Need help with buying supplies for ending it

[punitssaraf]

Is there anybody from India out here on the group that is contemplating ending their lives?
I have thought about two ways to end it, one by SN and the second by an inert has (Helium, Nitrogen, Argon). This is my life in a nutshell :

1. I was part of an ethnic minority that had human genocide as part of their history. So even before I was born my family had to migrate with nothing in their pockets to a totally different part of the country to raise the family
2. My mom suffers from clinical depression cause my grandma was shot dead by the terrorists when my mom was barely 28 years old and newly wed
3. I grew up being bullied a lot in school (Kicked, slapped, beaten, mocked and made fun off) cause I looked different from the local kids
4. Father was strict and a disciplinarian and beat the shit out of me between the ages of 5 and 9
5. I was silent, depressed, had very few friends growing up and led a really low key life that included not much but studying, going to school, sleeping and eating at home
6. I went to engineering school after completing high school cause my parents forced me into it and I never had the courage to talk back to them or for them to understand my side of things, anyways I got bullied a lot in engineering school too not verbally but mentally this time
7. I went to the US after finishing undergrad to pursue grad school cause I wanted an escape from India and the people that tortured me all my life
8. Things were the same in the states, Indians there bullied me too and I was always thought off as being different although my experience was a whole lot better there
9. After spending 7 years in the states my visa got expired and I had to come back to India last month and have been spiraling down cause I hate it here and there is no escape from this anymore
10. I want to end my life and I am searching ways to do it with the lease amount of pain possible

Help me please, I am so miserable it needs to end.

PS - Been thinking about jumping from the balcony of my high rise apartment, it's the 8th floor of my building and it seems like it would be an abrupt ending but I am not able to gather the courage yet.

 

[Sadkitty]

I'm sorry for the pain you have been through. My heart goes out to you. But I'm not sure what you are asking in this thread.

 

[punitssaraf]

@Sadkitty - I don't know where to start and how to buy the supplies needed to end the misery here in India.

 

[Sadkitty]

I am by no means encouraging you. But there is a resource thread with the more popular methods. Most questions can be answered there. I hope you can find peace. Hopefully in life.

 

[punitssaraf]

Ok, thanks for the nice words made me feel better for a few seconds.

 

[I screwed up]

I am from India bro, will certainly like to to help you. But according to forum rules we cannot suggest u methods to ctb , u need to decide on that thru the resources section. We can help u tweak ur plan and make suggestions to improve it . importantly we are here to support u emotionally . u can discuss anything here. U can pm me if u want. Take care buddy.

 

[punitssaraf]

I am from India bro, will certainly like to to help you. But according to forum rules we cannot suggest u methods to ctb , u need to decide on that thru the resources section. We can help u tweak ur plan and make suggestions to improve it . importantly we are here to support u emotionally . u can discuss anything here. U can pm me if u want. Take care buddy.

Thank you, i am looking it up.

 

[Intheo]

I feel you bro. I have a similar story although I'm not indian and I'm not part of a group that was victim of genocide a generation prior.
Authoritarian, neurotic parents from an authoritarian, neurotic culture. Got bullied by both other kids and adults. I couldn't do I really wanted and found escape in the US, where I also got bullied, but I also had more positive experiences. Had to come back to my country because men have to serve in the military. I've been stuck here since. I despise "my" culture. People here are so materialistic and superficial to an extent far greater than what Westerners complain about. There's little access to psychological treatment and you're judged for not fitting in. Nobody seems to really care that this country has one of the highest suicide rates in the world.

The irony of my experience is that people talk about how you need to be with "your kind" and that I wouldn't be accepted by others. I've received the harshest treatment from "my kind." It was a good life lesson that people are shit wherever you go.

 

[punitssaraf]

I feel you bro. I have a similar story although I'm not indian and I'm not part of a group that was victim of genocide a generation prior.
Authoritarian, neurotic parents from an authoritarian, neurotic culture. Got bullied by both other kids and adults. I couldn't do I really wanted and found escape in the US, where I also got bullied, but I also had more positive experiences. Had to come back to my country because men have to serve in the military. I've been stuck here since. I despise "my" culture. People here are so materialistic and superficial to an extent far greater than what Westerners complain about. There's little access to psychological treatment and you're judged for not fitting in. Nobody seems to really care that this country has one of the highest suicide rates in the world.

The irony of my experience is that people talk about how you need to be with "your kind" and that I wouldn't be accepted by others. I've received the harshest treatment from "my kind." It was a good life lesson that people are shit wherever you go.

Its the same here, my parents and relatives turn a blind eye and laugh off when I mention I have mental issues. There is no help, its looked down upon as if its my fucking fault for feeling like this. I miss the US a lot, nobody judged me there and I could be by myself and live my own existence. I made so much money working in corporate america for five years that I do not need to work if i choose not to but my parents are forcing me to work. If i don't take my life I want to work with an animal rescue non profit and dedicate my life to something meaningful where i have little to no human interaction but they laugh it off. I hate them all but i know deep down that they come from a different generation and would not be able to grasp concepts like mental health so I forgive them.
I am so suicidal today, been listening to The Cure, Depeche Mode, Lana Del Ray all day. I wish I had the courage to jump right from the balcony thats staring across my bedroom.

 

[Intheo]

Its the same here, my parents and relatives turn a blind eye and laugh off when I mention I have mental issues. There is no help, its looked down upon as if its my fucking fault for feeling like this. I miss the US a lot, nobody judged me there and I could be by myself and live my own existence. I made so much money working in corporate america for five years that I do not need to work if i choose not to but my parents are forcing me to work. If i don't take my life I want to work with an animal rescue non profit and dedicate my life to something meaningful where i have little to no human interaction but they laugh it off. I hate them all but i know deep down that they come from a different generation and would not be able to grasp concepts like mental health so I forgive them.
I am so suicidal today, been listening to The Cure, Depeche Mode, Lana Del Ray all day. I wish I had the courage to jump right from the balcony thats staring across my bedroom.

What happens if you just up and leave to another country? Well I guess you can't do that now because of the pandemic, but for now maybe you can find work at an animal rescue center. What happens if your parents disapprove? If you have the money, can't you just ignore them?

One of my biggest hurdles is money. I hate being in my country but I can legally work here and I need the money. If the government doesn't get me, I will eventually escape.

 

[punitssaraf]

What happens if you just up and leave to another country? Well I guess you can't do that now because of the pandemic, but for now maybe you can find work at an animal rescue center. What happens if your parents disapprove? If you have the money, can't you just ignore them?

One of my biggest hurdles is money. I hate being in my country but I can legally work here and I need the money. If the government doesn't get me, I will eventually escape.

I am planning exactly that to just leave and build a life doing animal rescue. I know they will pressure me into not doing it, mock and joke at me and all the relatives after hearing it will also have the same reaction. But thats the only way I feel i might want to live a little longer. Expecting their reply in a week, have to hold myself until then and hopefully I can get the fuck out of this place.

Yes I know without money its even tougher I know how you feel....although money isn't important cause I would end my life today if I could get some courage but it does help in a way. I have such conflicting emotions just now its insane.....

 

[I screwed up]

@punitssaraf Hey buddy which part of India u from. Me from Mumbai.

 

[punitssaraf]

@punitssaraf Hey buddy which part of India u from. Me from Mumbai.

The Central/Western part of the country, I don't want to share the exact details hope you understand. Why are you on here, have you had feelings to end it? Whats your story?

 

[Intheo]

I am planning exactly that to just leave and build a life doing animal rescue. I know they will pressure me into not doing it, mock and joke at me and all the relatives after hearing it will also have the same reaction. But thats the only way I feel i might want to live a little longer. Expecting their reply in a week, have to hold myself until then and hopefully I can get the fuck out of this place.

Yes I know without money its even tougher I know how you feel....although money isn't important cause I would end my life today if I could get some courage but it does help in a way. I have such conflicting emotions just now its insane.....

At least you have a good heart. You want to help those who can't help themselves. Animal suffering is a direct consequence of human error so we need to help them.

 

[I screwed up]

Me suffering from depression and chronic anxiety ... Cannot function like normal due to depression..

 

[punitssaraf]

At least you have a good heart. You want to help those who can't help themselves. Animal suffering is a direct consequence of human error so we need to help them.

Thank You, you are kind but i can connect with animals better than humans for whatever reason. I had a cat, three dogs and also did therapeutic riding on horses when i was in the US. It helped me so much with my mental issues.

Me suffering from depression and chronic anxiety ... Cannot function like normal due to depression..

Oh i am sorry to hear that :(
Are you on medications?

 

[I screwed up]

Medicines don't work now ... I don't believe in therapy.

 

[punitssaraf]

Medicines don't work now ... I don't believe in therapy.

How old r u? Do you work or are you in school?
Is your family supportive of how you are feeling or are they typical douche-bag indians?

 

[Intheo]

Thank You, you are kind but i can connect with animals better than humans for whatever reason. I had a cat, three dogs and also did therapeutic riding on horses when i was in the US. It helped me so much with my mental issues.

Oh i am sorry to hear that :(
Are you on medications?

Animals are so much better. I also want to work in animal welfare or conservation, which are not respected jobs at all in this society. Not that I care about society. My biggest obstacle is once again money.