Venting Need advice on how to deal a partner with bpd

[moya117]

What keeps me alive is this person, and I'm desperately clings into that little bit of hope, him, but still, it hurts, I know he did have BPD, but it still hurt when he said that I'm not trying enough, that he keeps thinking about being with another person, that basically I'm not entertaining enough for him, you see, my emotional state is completely depends on him, so if he's not in a good state, so am I, but that's the time when he needs me the most, when I confront him about it, he said that his condition isn't his fault, and I know that, I know, but still his actions are his responsibility right? Right?? Still, it's my fault that I'm not trying enough, he set his standard really low, so why can't I fulfill it?

I already accept that he did hate a lot of things about me, because that's just how it works, every little mistakes count and I'm not perfect, I know I can't really get the love that I truly wanted, but oh god do I really need it, even the littlelest amount.
I feel like my days are getting numbered, what should I do? I don't have anyone if I just let him go, and I love him too much to do that

 

[twinklywater]

Those actions don't seem very connected to his condition. He's interested in someone else and disrespects you and if he truly loved you. he wouldn't have a standard anyway. I understand that you love him but his actions are 100% his responsibility. Trust yourself and do what you think is best for you.

 

[moya117]

Those actions don't seem very connected to his condition. He's interested in someone else and disrespects you and if he truly loved you. he wouldn't have a standard anyway. I understand that you love him but his actions are 100% his responsibility. Trust yourself and do what you think is best for you.

Thank you for the answer, but it is related, he doesn't really have a control about it, he said that he promise not to cheat, if he did, he said that it's not really him, it's the other him, and it's not his fault, well how can I reply to that answer?

 

[twinklywater]

Thank you for the answer, but it is related, he doesn't really have a control about it, he said that he promise not to cheat, if he did, he said that it's not really him, it's the other him, and it's not his fault, well how can I reply to that answer?

Do you think he loves you as much as the other person he loves?
Also my experience may be different but I also have BPD. Does he apologise for things he says and does while he's the "other him"?

 

[moya117]

Do you think he loves you as much as the other person he loves?
Also my experience may be different but I also have BPD. Does he apologise for things he says and does while he's the "other him"?

No, he's not in love with anyone, he just likes the attention he got, and I'm sure if he did cheat, he quickly will got bored, he never cheated on me, but the chances are there, and with my PTSD and abandonment issues, it's just triggers a lot of things from the past, I feel anxious and scared when I can't seem to get him entertained.
And no, he doesn't apologize while "he's the other him" his way of thinking suddenly changes 180°, he will feel guilt if the splitting ends tho

 

[twinklywater]

No, he's not in love with anyone, he just likes the attention he got, and I'm sure if he did cheat, he quickly will got bored, he never cheated on me, but the chances are there, and with my PTSD and abandonment issues, it's just triggers a lot of things from the past, I feel anxious and scared when I can't seem to get him entertained.
And no, he doesn't apologize while "he's the other him" his way of thinking suddenly changes 180°, he will feel guilt if the splitting ends tho

There doesn't seem to be a good side to any of this. Anxious and scared with him and hopeless without him.

 

[moya117]

There doesn't seem to be a good side to any of this. Anxious and scared with him and hopeless without him.

I know, I'm stuck, neither is good

 

[twinklywater]

I know, I'm stuck, neither is good

I really hope you find peace, wherever it may be. You deserve it.

 

[moya117]

I really hope you find peace, wherever it may be. You deserve it.

Thank you, it means so much to me :)

 

[OceanBlue]

As long as he doesn't physically hurt you and you can take breaks from him, then you can keep him around short term if you're that dependent. Long term you'd need therapy to learn not to accept this kind of behavior. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Holu]

What keeps me alive is this person, and I'm desperately clings into that little bit of hope, him, but still, it hurts, I know he did have BPD, but it still hurt when he said that I'm not trying enough, that he keeps thinking about being with another person, that basically I'm not entertaining enough for him, you see, my emotional state is completely depends on him, so if he's not in a good state, so am I, but that's the time when he needs me the most, when I confront him about it, he said that his condition isn't his fault, and I know that, I know, but still his actions are his responsibility right? Right?? Still, it's my fault that I'm not trying enough, he set his standard really low, so why can't I fulfill it?

I already accept that he did hate a lot of things about me, because that's just how it works, every little mistakes count and I'm not perfect, I know I can't really get the love that I truly wanted, but oh god do I really need it, even the littlelest amount.
I feel like my days are getting numbered, what should I do? I don't have anyone if I just let him go, and I love him too much to do that

Can I ask which BPD?

From a psych perspective that means borderline which I'm assuming your referring to
However it's possible that it's Bipolar (sometimes referred to as BP1/BP2). Just wanna clarify before responding

 

[glitterypearls]

"I'm not entertaining enough for him"

sound like he set an impossible standards for you where your emotions and mental health isn't important, you are there just to entertain him and make him feel better, I did that with my FP which I assume you are his FP or something like that, you need to take a space and set boundaries where your own mental health should matter too.

 

[stermc]

Being someone with BPD, I advise you to only date someone with the same condition if they are extremely aware of it and getting help somehow. Otherwise, there is a great chance this person will hurt you somehow.
Usually someone with BPD has a low sense of self and everything gets pretty confusing for us really quickly.
Maybe you should talk to him and be honest about your feelings and thoughts.

 

[OceanBlue]

Maybe you should talk to him and be honest about your feelings and thoughts.

I think this only works if another person respects you and has your best interests at heart, I don't think this is the case in this situation.
I would advise against being too honest and vulnerable with this person, it could be hurtful.

 

[stermc]

I think this only works if another person respects you and has your best interests at heart, I don't think this is the case in this situation.
I would advise against being too honest and vulnerable with this person, it could be hurtful.

Yeah, I would normally agree with you, but the OP said they don't want to end the relationship, so… Idk

 

[nopride86]

I would suggest finding support groups for loved ones of people with BPD, that's what I do. Then you can make a well rounded decision of wether you are comfortable in this relationship or not. Or at the very least, you'd have new resources on how to communicate with them. Regardless of their diagnosis, you deserve to have a partner that treats you well.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

You probably already know this deep down but it's best to cut and run if you're not being respected and valued, otherwise you could be missing out on something better. He's already cheating - as soon as he starts looking elsewhere, that counts as emotional cheating, it's still sneaky regardless of how he's rationalising or downplaying it. Generally, it's best to avoid dating people who are pathologically desperate for attention/cluster b types altogether.

 

[hellispink]

I have bdp. I am gonna be very honest. Leave him. The relationship is overly toxic and manipulative. You depending emotionallybon him will just destroy you. It doesn't matter how much you try to be enough, it won't be . Love is not enough to stay with someone. Bdp we can be monsters and we make our lives and others fucking miserable. Not because we bad really but because its just what it is. Waiting around for something to change is a waste of time. If he thinks you aint enough let his ass leave with whoever he wants. You give yourself your own worth, not him. You can give him the moon and still won't be enough, leave you with that.

 

[moya117]

I have bdp. I am gonna be very honest. Leave him. The relationship is overly toxic and manipulative. You depending emotionallybon him will just destroy you. It doesn't matter how much you try to be enough, it won't be . Love is not enough to stay with someone. Bdp we can be monsters and we make our lives and others fucking miserable. Not because we bad really but because its just what it is. Waiting around for something to change is a waste of time. If he thinks you aint enough let his ass leave with whoever he wants. You give yourself your own worth, not him. You can give him the moon and still won't be enough, leave you with that.

I know it is bad for me, but he's the only reason that I'm still here today yk, but thank you for your reply, maybe I will leave him when I have the courage to do so, idk, i love him too much to do that.

From a psych perspective that means borderline which I'm assuming your referring to
However it's possible that it's Bipolar (sometimes referred to as BP1/BP2). Just wanna clarify before responding

He could have both tho, he did have a quick therapy session and they said that the chances of him having BPD and bipolar are high.
You see, he doesn't have the resources to just get help, even I am the one who pays for that therapy session, his parents are strict and abandoning his emotional and material needs, maybe that's why he is the way he is
Thank you all for your advice, it means Soo much to me that y'all care enough to respond : ). I will set my own boundaries to him, idk how it will goes but if he really did abandon me then it is what it is

 

[Holu]

He could have both tho, he did have a quick therapy session and they said that the chances of him having BPD and bipolar are high.
You see, he doesn't have the resources to just get help, even I am the one who pays for that therapy session, his parents are strict and abandoning his emotional and material needs, maybe that's why he is the way he is

Your too much of an angel paying for his therapy! Honestly, while it might not be to your level, I understand to some degree the attachment. Every day I have to stomp out the heartache and love I feel for my ex, who broke up with me 4 years ago. I knew her for most of my life and she helped me through so much. Constant connection(which she maintains despite my ghosting) along side seeing her post her bf on her insta absolutely kills me.

Still, I want to offer differing "advice", which you don't have to and should not feel inclined to take. This is simply my opinion and perspective.

The way I see it there are two main routes your could go.
The "correct" route would be to separate from a toxic and painful source.
The "other and possibly bad" route would be to continue to suffer through his abuse out of love for him

If I had to take a guess, I would guess that your heart would pick the bad.

Should this be the case, and should you be to stubborn to choose anything but this then my advice(which again is just a perspective!) would be to simply set boundaries. Whether it be mania, hypomania(brrrrrr), or just a BPD mood swing, he's going to lash out at you(something I assume you already accepted). That being said he will still have moments of lucidity. During which, you need to set some boundaries with him.

Unfortunately, from the limited info I have, I can't tell if he actually loves you or if he's simply using you. I know that the concept of someone your so attached to might not love you is hard but should he continue to perpetuate your torment maybe it's time to consider it.

Regardless of what decision you make, please feel free to communicate with us to your hearts content. We cannot strip your pain away, but if you need us to we will absolutely shower your in compliments to offset whatever negativity he throws your way. You're very strong for going through all this suffering, and very noble for doing it out of love for another person. However, it pains me, and likely everyone reading this to see you in pain.

We are here if needed. Always feel free to dm me. Please stay safe and take care. Your worth more than you could ever believe.

 

[Linda]

If a relationship is not working well, even after you have tried repeatedly to make it work, the odds are that it will never work well. That's often nobody's fault: two great people can simply be incompatible. Your best option may be to move on and find someone else. That is likely to be difficult for you in the short term, but much easier in the long term.

 

[Lo Priest]

What keeps me alive is this person, and I'm desperately clings into that little bit of hope, him, but still, it hurts, I know he did have BPD, but it still hurt when he said that I'm not trying enough, that he keeps thinking about being with another person, that basically I'm not entertaining enough for him, you see, my emotional state is completely depends on him, so if he's not in a good state, so am I, but that's the time when he needs me the most, when I confront him about it, he said that his condition isn't his fault, and I know that, I know, but still his actions are his responsibility right? Right?? Still, it's my fault that I'm not trying enough, he set his standard really low, so why can't I fulfill it?

I already accept that he did hate a lot of things about me, because that's just how it works, every little mistakes count and I'm not perfect, I know I can't really get the love that I truly wanted, but oh god do I really need it, even the littlelest amount.
I feel like my days are getting numbered, what should I do? I don't have anyone if I just let him go, and I love him too much to do that

It seems to me that it's not just 'this' person who keeps you alive, it might just be 'any' person you choose to attach yourself emotionally onto. maybe it's because they've at a point made you feel what it's like to be 'loved'. in a more general sense, this person seems like they have given you a felt sense of purpose or place. the problem is this person will clearly not provide you any long term solace, only strife and a deeper personal conflict. find another sense of meaning, be that in another person place or thing, or don't. you know this relationship isn't by any stretch of the imagination sustainable. your call.

 

[moya117]

Your too much of an angel paying for his therapy! Honestly, while it might not be to your level, I understand to some degree the attachment. Every day I have to stomp out the heartache and love I feel for my ex, who broke up with me 4 years ago. I knew her for most of my life and she helped me through so much. Constant connection(which she maintains despite my ghosting) along side seeing her post her bf on her insta absolutely kills me.

Still, I want to offer differing "advice", which you don't have to and should not feel inclined to take. This is simply my opinion and perspective.

The way I see it there are two main routes your could go.
The "correct" route would be to separate from a toxic and painful source.
The "other and possibly bad" route would be to continue to suffer through his abuse out of love for him

If I had to take a guess, I would guess that your heart would pick the bad.

Should this be the case, and should you be to stubborn to choose anything but this then my advice(which again is just a perspective!) would be to simply set boundaries. Whether it be mania, hypomania(brrrrrr), or just a BPD mood swing, he's going to lash out at you(something I assume you already accepted). That being said he will still have moments of lucidity. During which, you need to set some boundaries with him.

Unfortunately, from the limited info I have, I can't tell if he actually loves you or if he's simply using you. I know that the concept of someone your so attached to might not love you is hard but should he continue to perpetuate your torment maybe it's time to consider it.

Regardless of what decision you make, please feel free to communicate with us to your hearts content. We cannot strip your pain away, but if you need us to we will absolutely shower your in compliments to offset whatever negativity he throws your way. You're very strong for going through all this suffering, and very noble for doing it out of love for another person. However, it pains me, and likely everyone reading this to see you in pain.

We are here if needed. Always feel free to dm me. Please stay safe and take care. Your worth more than you could ever believe.

Nah, this reply is too sweet- I'll try do my best so that I can't get too attached again with this person, that way I can finally leave. Thank you for your kind words <3 it makes me feel a lot better about this situation

 

[Holu]

Nah, this reply is too sweet- I'll try do my best so that I can't get too attached again with this person, that way I can finally leave. Thank you for your kind words <3 it makes me feel a lot better about this situation

Hehe it melts my heart to see messages like this. I hope you feel bettor and I'm always here if needed

 

[moya117]

Hehe it melts my heart to see messages like this. I hope you feel bettor and I'm always here if needed

Thank you kind stranger : )

 

[justastranger]

I know you love him but just think about it. I get that he has bpd but he's also just being straight up disrespectful. Just think about it. Has he ever made you cry? Does he show love to you and if so how often? What do you want in a relationship? It's your choice, so I'm not going to tell you what to do, but please consider leaving.

 

[moya117]

I know you love him but just think about it. I get that he has bpd but he's also just being straight up disrespectful. Just think about it. Has he ever made you cry? Does he show love to you and if so how often? What do you want in a relationship? It's your choice, so I'm not going to tell you what to do, but please consider leaving.

I keep thinking that waybe, just maybe that I really am not trying hard enough, I mean, he's always the one that gives advice to our relationship, and here i am just being a dead weight, he did make me cry a lot, and I did make him cry too, I don't know how often but I did.
Say, would he cry for me if I die for him

 

[justastranger]

I keep thinking that waybe, just maybe that I really am not trying hard enough, I mean, he's always the one that gives advice to our relationship, and here i am just being a dead weight, he did make me cry a lot, and I did make him cry too, I don't know how often but I did.
Say, would he cry for me if I die for him

You are trying hard enough trust me it's really hard to be with someone with bpd but please consider your options. Ik you are blaming yourself but he's disrespectful tbh, you can't always blame his actions on bpd. I'm not going to force you to make a decision tho

 

[moya117]

Update, my boyfriend basically said
"Do I really love you or I'm just playing because I lied to myself"

I... Don't know what to do anymore

 

[DeathToSpiesSMERSH]

BPD or not, your partner is abusing you heavily. He knows your vulnerable, he knows your fragile, he knows how to fuck with you. I know it really might not seem like it, but you have your own intrinsic self worth