Discussion Nearly cbt'd last night, i was utterly blissful!

[ForgiveMeFriends]

It was beautiful. All so beautiful. I can vividly recall how I felt, walking slowly towards what was supposed to be my last stop. The wind was howling, the trees were swaying and dancing, it was all so dark and quiet and undisturbed. I couldn't help but be in this sort of... trance. A blissful, completely unbothered trance. This was likely the closest to happiness I've felt since developing depression. It felt like mother nature reserved a path just for me, and wanted to kiss my forehead on those train tracks as my body mangled and splattered, she promised me no more routine, no more harm, just utter bliss.


But I rejected it. I rejected it all because I wanted to call two of my closest friends right before doing it and couldn't because my phone had died. One of them doesn't even fucking care anymore, and the other one..... they're too sweet to hurt.

But seriously, has anyone experienced such a 'high' or trance before? It's completely different from the normal joy people get, it's just so.... particular.




Edit: I'm not going to try it again until I've gotten a bit of therapy, I've got a little hope in it.

 

[JesiBel]

Wow, beautiful words, I hope one day to find that calm and peace, and have the courage of ctb...

Lately, just thinking about it makes me anxious and makes me want to cry. I think I'm feeling a lot of guilt, I don't know. Or maybe it's a form of mourning, of accepting my fate, who knows.

 

[ForgiveMeFriends]

Wow, beautiful words, I hope one day to find that calm and peace, and have the courage of ctb...

Lately, just thinking about it makes me anxious and makes me want to cry. I think I'm feeling a lot of guilt, I don't know. Or maybe it's a form of mourning, of accepting my fate, who knows.

I've never been much of a poet, but thank you :)

That anxiousness you mentioned could be just about from anything. Maybe you're possibly worried about how CBT'ing will affect the people around you? But it could be you very well accepting your fate or mourning. You've piqued my interest.

 

[cait_sith]

Can I ask what method were you planning to do?

 

[platypus77]

I can say that's the way I'm feeling for a few days now, I feel in control of my destiny. That brought me peace.
Sometimes you have to kill your self to be able to live again.

 

[ForgiveMeFriends]

Can I ask what method were you planning to do?

Get run over by a train near my home, it was more of a...heat of the moment thing, yknow?

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I think I know that sensation. Sometimes when I'm outside and the atmosphere/weather aligns I just "sense/feel" death in the air. But not a bad death, just like a vanishing death. Me vanishing and merging with nature itself.

 

[The_Hunter]

It was beautiful. All so beautiful. I can vividly recall how I felt, walking slowly towards what was supposed to be my last stop. The wind was howling, the trees were swaying and dancing, it was all so dark and quiet and undisturbed. I couldn't help but be in this sort of... trance. A blissful, completely unbothered trance. This was likely the closest to happiness I've felt since developing depression. It felt like mother nature reserved a path just for me, and wanted to kiss my forehead on those train tracks as my body mangled and splattered, she promised me no more routine, no more harm, just utter bliss.

But I rejected it. I rejected it all because I wanted to call two of my closest friends right before doing it and couldn't because my phone had died. One of them doesn't even fucking care anymore, and the other one..... they're too sweet to hurt.

But seriously, has anyone experienced such a 'high' or trance before? It's completely different from the normal joy people get, it's just so.... particular.

Edit: I'm not going to try it again until I've gotten a bit of therapy, I've got a little hope in it.

You are very very powerful for stepping back from that high.

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is one hell of a high; it is one hell of a mania. It is seriously strong stuff. It is a hardeningly divine fanaticism that truly grips you by the collar in brutal dance.

Despite it may to feel good; it also can make us be willing to throw off our core values and forget things that we maybe should remember.

I truly wish you the best of luck with therapy. Thank you so much for your precise words and for sharing your experience. This is a seriously key part of the suicidal experience that I have not worded as explicitly and forthright as you have; my honest thanks for that. Wishing you the best, friend!! I hope you're able to find your peace and happiness in life as well; hope can be a strong thing. Best of luck ^^