Nearing CTB

[devoutweiss]

Things are difficult.
I have a heart condition. It's relatively severe but I don't want surgery and since I can function well enough — only needing to cut down on physical activity due to weakness — the doctors don't push for it. I'm not really expected to live another 10 years before it worsens, though. Like I said, things are difficult. But whats helped me through it all is my boyfriend.

He's agreed to look after me and spend as much of my life with me as possible, right now we are separated by country due to serving a religious mission. He's on board to be there when I die, and this has always steered me away from CTB, as I've never been afraid of death but if I'm guaranteed it in as soon as 10 years which I can spend happily then why not.

He randomly broke the news to me last night that he wants to «stop being romantic for a week». That we're still dating, but he wants to act like friends for a week because «he's in a bad mood lately». I've always told him I'm OK with taking a break if he needs it and I am but acting like his friend is too much to ask for. Dropping all romance even for just a week so suddenly is impossible. So, I agreed to cut contact for a week. I feel ready for it and have tried seeing it as a positive, so the relationship will improve.

However, my worry lies with next Sunday (the 12th). What if, when I message him, he tells me he wants longer? Or worse, he wants forever — he wants to break off? I'm not going to be one of those people who say «i'll CTB if you leave me», and I wouldn't inform him of my choice to due to this. Instead, if he does say he wants to end things, I'll CTB. Because of what I said earlier. I know, CTB because of a partner isn't smart. But this is different. He was the one who was designated to look after me and who I rely on for my health. Without him, my physical state will wither away slowly and painfully. If I don't have him no one is here to look after me while I slowly die.

I'll update on the 12th. I stay in the UK, however I do own a 12 gauge perazzi shotgun. I would prefer to go out clean, though, so I'll research methods concerning that in the coming week.

Bless.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Did he say what prompted him to request this change?

This must have been a devastating blow and I'm sorry you have to deal with this worry. I guess for now since he hasn't indicated anything that suggested that he wants out of the relationship, you might as well trust that that won't be the case when you touch base.

If whether you CTB or not is truly contingent on his choice (which is understandable according to how you explained it), then I guess there's not much you can do. Maybe there is a sort of comfort to be found in that?

 

[sleepyturtle]

if he were to end things and you do stick around im sure you will find someone who will love you and enjoy what time they are able to have with you if thats what youre looking for. ultimately it is up to you whether thats worth trying for and i hope all goes well for you <3

 

[stoopid]

Whatever is, you can share your thoughts here. I hope things turn out better for you. We're here for you. Stay strong

 

[devoutweiss]

Did he say what prompted him to request this change?

This must have been a devastating blow and I'm sorry you have to deal with this worry. I guess for now since he hasn't indicated anything suggested that he wants out of the relationship, you might as well trust that that won't be the case when you touch base.

If whether you CTB or not is truly contingent on his choice (which is understandable according to how you explained it), then I guess there's not much you can do. Maybe there is a sort of comfort to be found in that?

When I asked, he said that he «was in a bad mood lately». I think I overthink that simple phrase because he is best friends with his ex girlfriend, and although I trust him fully to not cheat it still bothers me sometimes, especially since she hates me (which doesn't bother me in itself but in the situation it makes me a bit uneasy).

I'm hoping that this isn't the end of our relationship. We have always worked so well as a team despite being very different people, it always worked in our favour. But if it is then I suppose there's an underlying feeling of peace, not having to wait to CTB.
Thank you for your response

if he were to end things and you do stick around im sure you will find someone who will love you and enjoy what time they are able to have with you if thats what youre looking for. ultimately it is up to you whether thats worth trying for and i hope all goes well for you <3

Whatever is, you can share your thoughts here. I hope things turn out better for you. We're here for you. Stay strong

Thank you both. Staying strong now, and trying to keep a positive attitude. I don't have any depressed feelings towards it... whatever happens is entirely up to some other force and I'd rather it was that way.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

When I asked, he said that he «was in a bad mood lately». I think I overthink that simple phrase because he is best friends with his ex girlfriend, and although I trust him fully to not cheat it still bothers me sometimes, especially since she hates me (which doesn't bother me in itself but in the situation it makes me a bit uneasy).

I'm hoping that this isn't the end of our relationship. We have always worked so well as a team despite being very different people, it always worked in our favour. But if it is then I suppose there's an underlying feeling of peace, not having to wait to CTB.
Thank you for your response


Thank you both. Staying strong now, and trying to keep a positive attitude. I don't have any depressed feelings towards it... whatever happens is entirely up to some other force and I'd rather it was that way.

I hope not. He convinced you of his commitment to you while you nursed declining health for the rest of your natural life. To yank that away sounds terrible. Hopefully his citing his "bad moods" just means he can't reciprocate romantic gestures...I suppose anyone can just not be up for affection but the feelings are still there...he's for course the only one who knows what's driving him for sure and I hope you are able to stay calm till you talk with him again.

 

[AngryDog]

That sounds like a really delicate situation. You'll have to talk to him about it and sort it out. In the meantime, try not to overthink about it at least. I hope that, even in the worst case scenario, you can find the strengh to carry on. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[devoutweiss]

I hope not. He convinced you of his commitment to you while you nursed declining health for the rest of your natural life. To yank that away sounds terrible. Hopefully his citing his "bad moods" just means he can't reciprocate romantic gestures...I suppose anyone can just not be up for affection but the feelings are still there...he's for course the only one who knows what's driving him for sure and I hope you are able to stay calm till you talk with him again.

That's exactly what I was hoping he meant by bad moods. I've always been the more affectionate and open one, and I'm entirely OK with how he shows affection but I can tell he feels guilty sometimes or worries I'm not satisfied. So perhaps these bad moods mean he needs the week to feel better as he feels guilty whenever I show affection... which is a lot. I'm calm for the time being, I get a little ache in my heart when I see his picture on my home screen or his profiles online, but I know that whatever happens on Sunday is what was meant to happen.

That sounds like a really delicate situation. You'll have to talk to him about it and sort it out. In the meantime, try not to overthink about it at least. I hope that, even in the worst case scenario, you can find the strengh to carry on. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you... exactly what I'm attempting to do. I've always been a bad overthinker, but since both possible outcomes bring peace to me, I'm calm. I guess now I'm just hoping he misses me like I'm missing him this week. The big issue I'm facing is finding SN in the UK

 

[anx_out]

hey i get how you feel. my only relationship ended 4 months ago (after 4 years on-and-off dating) and it's one of my main reasons for being here (i have many other issues but my relationship was the one thing keeping me sane). i am/was extremely codependent with him. it's soul crushing, i know. in the worst case, i hope you'll manage to heal, but i've tried for years now. i hope you'll find peace either way. hugs <3

 

[devoutweiss]

hey i get how you feel. my only relationship ended 4 months ago (after 4 years on-and-off dating) and it's one of my main reasons for being here (i have many other issues but my relationship was the one thing keeping me sane). i am/was extremely codependent with him. it's soul crushing, i know. in the worst case, i hope you'll manage to heal, but i've tried for years now. i hope you'll find peace either way. hugs <3

Thank you so much. Right now, he's with his ex again. I trust he doesn't like her but it hurts knowing it could be me if I
weren't so in love with him — I just can't «treat him like a friend for a week». It's impossible for me, as I mentioned. Just hoping and praying that Sunday ends out well. I really appreciate this. I'm stressing over receiving SN in the UK. I really don't want to use my perazzi and make a mess, you know? Makes it so much worse for other people.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a painful situation to be in, life really is so incredibly unfair and cruel. I guess that you just cannot rely on people after all, but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[devoutweiss]

That sounds like a painful situation to be in, life really is so incredibly unfair and cruel. I guess that you just cannot rely on people after all, but anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

Agreed. Even when you 'need' to, medically, the human nature makes it so terrifying to as nothing is ever certain. Especially not someone staying with you and staying happily for that matter. I need peace either with him or beyond this life.

 

[downndone2]

I have heart condition and other chronic conditions. Wish I'd just die in sleep but haven't been lucky enough yet. I'm all alone, lost marriage a while ago, followed by most everything else. Messed up so many relationships with loved ones and comtinue to do so today.



Anyhow, I have some opiates I may try but I think my best bet is gun I have. Sucks terribly. Gotta figure out how I'll get someone over to care for dogs, as they're my concerns looking at me on the daily...