Venting Nature vs Nurture

[Wayfaerer]

Does anyone else have a sibling that just attracts all of the luck and the opposite is true for you? I could go through a long laundry list of all of the things my sister had over me that I didn't but should have and how they have benefited her. She's always had problems with anxiety but she has always been functional (without medication!) yet here I fucking am. It just pisses me off the lack of fortune I've had in my life compared to her. It seems like my life is some sort of cosmic joke in bad taste and it was made to torment me as much as possible. I know that people have it better and worse than others but to have such a divide within your own immediate family?? It's disgusting!

I've had many hearts-to-hearts with her but she never gets me. She underplays my struggles and thinks that she can see eye-to-eye with me. When she says that she understands I can't help but take offense to it. What would she know? Just remembering some of the completely ignorant things she has said to me brings my blood to a boil. My parents also downplayed their own failures (I mean 100% their fault) while asking why I'm not like her. Well no shit! She didn't go through a quarter of what I've been through. If she were suddenly put into my position she wouldn't last a single week.

Sudden spur-of-the-moment thread because high come-down and I'm furious and just really pissed off right now arguing into thin air. It makes me so mad!

 

[Wayfaerer]

So just me then? I thought this would be a little more common around here.

 

[madbananas]

Unfortunately I don't have any siblings so am very isolated, but my mum has talked about a similar thing to your situation with her siblings. It's really had her distraught, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Sorry I can't be of any more help, but if you want to continue venting I'm here with you.
Hugs

 

[Wayfaerer]

Unfortunately I don't have any siblings so am very isolated, but my mum has talked about a similar thing to your situation with her siblings. It's really had her distraught, so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. Sorry I can't be of any more help, but if you want to continue venting I'm here with you.
Hugs

Thank you. I didn't have a place to vent like this when I was younger, perhaps I wouldn't be suicidal now if I had.

 

[madbananas]

Thank you. I didn't have a place to vent like this when I was younger, perhaps I wouldn't be suicidal now if I had.

Same here. This place has been my only comfort as of late. At the same time though, I feel sad that my life is at the point where I have to come here

 

[SipSop]

I dont know man, women have it easier in society.
I have a sister too. Wich is younger.
I told her my struggles too, but women just cannot understand men because they have pretty everything in place to make life worth living.
So this is my opinion based on my observations, experiences and thinking.

Let's talk in general.
Women are different than man.
What qualities they have on average?
Well, women get sex. In general they can get sex at any moment of the day and usually the amount they had it with how many partners is like a taboo in society. Like their age or how they look. Looks is pretty much what matters for women. Sex appeal. This is their game.
But, even if they have sex, and family and links with community because society makes us treat them better because we compete to fuck them and and have babies with them, they, on average, cannot achieve greatness.
Women cannot be great.
Thats why we have bullshit movement like meetoo in wich women do not want to be judget when they dress and act like whores. Sex and reproduction is their game. In rest, they can copy, imitate, follow, but not to fight with others or stand alone to be original.
For the record and haters I do not hate women and I did had sex. But those are the facts.
Men fight for resources and greatness, think, lead the way in everything. Science, politics, business, sports. Everything.
And women can get laid whenever they want. If you talk about it you are the hater and you will not get your share of pussy. Because they are also cunning and use covert methods to get power, like parasites.
This is their instinct. Like the bullshit saying:"Behind a great man there is a strong woman". BS. They make you fall in love and then they decide when you get some. That's the only trick they have.

Now. About you and your sister.
The same thing.
I do not know your age. But she gets attention and everybody tells her how should date Albert Einstein because she is a freaking genius, just to get a quickie from her. They know this bs but they keep men in order to have options and get benefits and attention.
How about you mate?
When is the last time somebody told you are so fucking smart and talented when you just walked down the street?
Her anxiety is fine. She knows she can have another sucker to tell her how she should run for president because she is a genius.
How about you? When a bunch a women told you you are so handsome and you should play chess with Magnus Carlsen?
Think about it.
If you have sex appeal, and you can make a shower and read some subtitles at movies 70% of your life problems are solved. We are monkeys first and the humans. There is a thing called the Halo Effect i guess, in wich we believe those who look good and powerful to be as such. I think that is how it goes. Anyway.

It was quite fun to write this.
What do you think about this mate?
Did you had a blast reading this?
More enlightened perhaps.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I dont know man, women have it easier in society.
I have a sister too. Wich is younger.
I told her my struggles too, but women just cannot understand men because they have pretty everything in place to make life worth living.
So this is my opinion based on my observations, experiences and thinking.

Let's talk in general.
Women are different than man.
What qualities they have on average?
Well, women get sex. In general they can get sex at any moment of the day and usually the amount they had it with how many partners is like a taboo in society. Like their age or how they look. Looks is pretty much what matters for women. Sex appeal. This is their game.
But, even if they have sex, and family and links with community because society makes us treat them better because we compete to fuck them and and have babies with them, they, on average, cannot achieve greatness.
Women cannot be great.
Thats why we have bullshit movement like meetoo in wich women do not want to be judget when they dress and act like whores. Sex and reproduction is their game. In rest, they can copy, imitate, follow, but not to fight with others or stand alone to be original.
For the record and haters I do not hate women and I did had sex. But those are the facts.
Men fight for resources and greatness, think, lead the way in everything. Science, politics, business, sports. Everything.
And women can get laid whenever they want. If you talk about it you are the hater and you will not get your share of pussy. Because they are also cunning and use covert methods to get power, like parasites.
This is their instinct. Like the bullshit saying:"Behind a great man there is a strong woman". BS. They make you fall in love and then they decide when you get some. That's the only trick they have.

Now. About you and your sister.
The same thing.
I do not know your age. But she gets attention and everybody tells her how should date Albert Einstein because she is a freaking genius, just to get a quickie from her. They know this bs but they keep men in order to have options and get benefits and attention.
How about you mate?
When is the last time somebody told you are so fucking smart and talented when you just walked down the street?
Her anxiety is fine. She knows she can have another sucker to tell her how she should run for president because she is a genius.
How about you? When a bunch a women told you you are so handsome and you should play chess with Magnus Carlsen?
Think about it.
If you have sex appeal, and you can make a shower and read some subtitles at movies 70% of your life problems are solved. We are monkeys first and the humans. There is a thing called the Halo Effect i guess, in wich we believe those who look good and powerful to be as such. I think that is how it goes. Anyway.

It was quite fun to write this.
What do you think about this mate?
Did you had a blast reading this?
More enlightened perhaps.

Well, I may not exactly be so extreme in my thinking BUT I will say the fact that she is female and born first has given her several advantages. I will admit though that she is humble despite it.

I also 100% agree with women not understanding men's lives as that is completely true and the bit about humans being monkeys first.

 

[SipSop]

Well, I may not exactly be so extreme in my thinking BUT I will say the fact that she is female and born first has given her several advantages.

It is not extreme my dude, is just, I do not censor the truth. Those are taboos, talking about this stuff will get you ostracised in the community. Anyway.
What advantages?

 

[Wayfaerer]

It is not extreme my dude, is just, I do not censor the truth. Those are taboos, talking about this stuff will get you ostracised in the community. Anyway.
What advantages?

I mean she isn't someone to take advantage of her sex appeal to get the things that she wants and she has legitimately worked very hard in her life. She just had an all-around more "normal" experience than I had. I can go into more detail but it's going to take some time to write it all up.

 

[Captive of Mind]

I've had the same exact issue. My life has spiraled out of control to the point where I am going to kill myself soon, meanwhile, my siblings are doing way better than I am. Everyone praises them and speaks highly of them and then looks down on and shuns me. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Of course they are in that position! They didn't have to go through the life events or circumstances I did and they also weren't dealt the physical and mental illnesses I have either." But no one wants to hear that. No excuses, right?

Oh well, it's obviously their game and they play it better than I do. I've been shuffled off the board of life because I don't want to play anymore. I hope they have fun chasing their tails in this insufferable world. Good luck dealing with the lies, judgement, backstabbing, disappointment, greed, and malevolence that people have to offer.

 

[SipSop]

I mean she isn't someone to take advantage of her sex appeal to get the things that she wants and she has legitimately worked very hard in her life. She just had an all-around more "normal" experience than I had. I can go into more detail but it's going to take some time to write it all up.

It is alright man.
To have the right answers you must ask the right questions.
Eventually you will reach my conlcusions.
I geniuenly hope you will feel better. Or that this place makes you feel better.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

It's frustrating when there's that kind of serendipity divide within a family, but possibly even more frustrating that people within one's immediate gene pool don't get you or understand you, and seem so alien that they may as well be from another species.
I understand completely where you're coming from.

 

[Ghost2211]

It seems nurture was more the issue in your case. You may not have been as aware or as bothered by your nature if you didn't feel like you were always in someone else's shadow.

 

[Wayfaerer]

When I signed up here, I never had the intention of giving away so much personal information but my CTB date isn't too far in the future so...

Where should I even begin without giving out my entire life story? It's so heavily context driven that it wouldn't be able to be written up as a simple checklist. I hope nobody I know in real life ever stumbles across this post at least while I'm still alive. Anyway, I guess I'll start by saying that my mother is not the brightest or wisest person which will be more telling as I progress. At the beginning, my sister was the first born so my parents put more effort into her in the beginning. This is minor but it's our lives in microcosm: In our baby portraits, she's dolled up in a nice victorian dress while I'm in embarrassing casual attire. She's female so obviously she wasn't sexually mutilated at birth like I was. She was breastfed for two full years while I wasn't at all and our mother was a smoker so that just compounds it even further. Our parents split when I was in first grade while she was almost in middle school. Single motherhood is detrimental to both sexes but even more so for boys. I was in cub scouts and taikwando, but when my father moved a year after the divorce all that had stopped. As a child I was always more social than her and had more friends but our mother would move us around every fucking year so I had to keep saying goodbye to them. I was 13 when my mother remarried and moved us to the shithole I've been in since.

Not long into school my mother pulls me out to "homeschool" me so I lose all my friends AGAIN (but it was a shit school so I was also glad). Before I had moved my best friend got me into an MMORPG and it was my way of communicating with him before I moved to aforementioned shithole. A year into it, he moved on and I didn't. This is where I become a NEET which would set an ugly trend for many years to come. A couple years into it I am miserable of course, when I say I want help to escape this mess to my mother what is the first thing she does? She sends me to a shrink and puts me on prozac + welbutrin. These drugs are mind-numbing and pacifying and I became content in my nothingness as the years dragged on. These years would have a profound impact on my life afterwards. I'm so frustrated that my sister was lucky enough to stay out of the mental health care system. Also mental health is more stigmatized for men than it is women which would ruin my life even more later on.

She married her high school sweet heart and I was a 27 year old virgin before I paid an escort for an overnight because I had completely given up on life at that point and was set for CTB. My sister also excelled all throughout school and even graduated HS at the top of her class. I attained a GED. I was very close to earning a STEM degree later on but my life really fell apart before that sadly.

I also happened to need glasses while my sister didn't but I refused to wear them. This caused me a lot of problems in school and was such a big reason why I struggled in it. Of course, wearing glasses as a woman isn't nearly the same as a man. Man's expectation is to be strong but they're "cute" on girls like so many things.

I realized that after writing all of this I had skipped a lot of details but that's the skinny before we became adults and my life would become even worse. There's just way too much to type out I would have to write a fucking book to do it justice. The only advantage that I had over her was having better teeth but even now I've lost that so that's further fuel on the bonfire. I just have nothing left going for me anymore and I'm going to check out before the year is over. I have this deep-seated rage towards my parents and I wish my father were alive to he could suffer after I kick it. I want my father to suffer because he had a great life and he denied me one. Meanwhile for years my mother kept telling me how grateful I should be for all the things she does for me with everyone else backing her up. I'm just fucking fed up with all of it!

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Thanks for sharing all that.
It takes something put that kind of info on a forum, even if you're not giving away any personal details.
I'm sad for you when I read some of those things.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Thanks for sharing all that.
It takes something put that kind of info on a forum, even if you're not giving away any personal details.
I'm sad for you when I read some of those things.

Yeah, I'm not too comfortable with it but on the other hand it was somewhat cathartic.
When I talk to my sister and listen to her "problems" I can't help but feel disgust and she tells me that she's just better at dealing with life. She'd say "I can't imagine that I'd be dealing with it the way you are" and "I can't sympathize with you because I was able to do [task] when I felt like crap" but she would be sour over minor shit that I could shake off.

It's sickening to me. Anyway, when I'm non-existent again none of this will matter thank fucking goodness. I didn't put nearly enough information in that post to really drive the point home. It became even worse and worse as time went on, ultimately culminating in my early demise. This is why I had been so petrified about that Nietzschean idea of eternal return and wouldn't shut up about it. It terrifies me in a way unlike anything else, it is beyond nightmarish to me.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

"I can't imagine that I'd be dealing with it the way you are" and "I can't sympathize with you because I was able to do [task] when I felt like crap"

Such invalidating and dismissive phrases to hear.
I know that no one can ever actually know what it's like to experience the world from someone else's perspective, but at least give it a try instead of just disparagingly waving your hands and looking away. jeez.

What do you think your sister will think when you ctb?
And if you don't mind me asking, how did your father die? Did he play much of a role in your life at all?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Such invalidating and dismissive phrases to hear.
I know that no one can ever actually know what it's like to experience the world from someone else's perspective, but at least give it a try instead of just disparagingly waving your hands and looking away. jeez.

What do you think your sister will think when you ctb?
And if you don't mind me asking, how did your father die? Did he play much of a role in your life at all?

My sister will be crushed for sure which makes me sad as we have always had a good relationship. I think she is dismissive and invalidating but I think it's from a lack of perspective and not arrogance or egotism. She's really not a mean or nasty person at all. I don't resent her and I love her more than anyone else in the world but I detest some of the things she has said to me to the point where I just don't ask her for help anymore. Besides, I'm past that point now. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, she was treated better by my step-father because she's a girl of course.

My parents are stereotypical baby boomers. My biofather was just your usual late-boomer buddydad who I saw every couple of weekends. That was it and he had no hand in my development basically.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Oh yeah, since I forgot to mention this earlier my father died in his sleep when I was 19. I had gotten over it very quickly.

I think the worst part of it all isn't what I've posted so far. No, the worst part is that I came very close to making it out of this hellhole. Despite all that I've said, I was right on track just a couple of years go and things haven't ever been better. Then the damage from the years prior to that point did me in and I'm not talking about emotional either. If I had to CTB at an earlier point such as when I was on SSRI's then it would've been easier but no I had to get just a little taste of the good stuff before it was lost forever.

I could go through a list of a dozen plus different things in my life that almost rescued me from this fate but failed to transpire. Things that almost happened and if it did it would've totally changed my life and likewise things that almost didn't happen but did and have harmed me for many years. My life is just a big clusterfuck.

It didn't have to be this way and knowing that intensifies my bitterness by 1000%.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I got really angry for you for how you were treated, reading your story. I'm really sorry.
The golden child first-born... I also have one. They can do no harm whatever they do.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I got really angry for you for how you were treated, reading your story. I'm really sorry.
The golden child first-born... I also have one. They can do no harm whatever they do.

Thank you, that actually means a lot to me.

 

[LastFlowers]

Yes both my siblings and all my cousins save for maybe one, attract every piece of luck and life spoils that I have been starved of. I'm sure they would try to convince you otherwise, but compared to me, they are golden! I would trade my problems for all of theirs combined!! I got fucked by nature and nurture. I'm the ugly sibling. I started out that way to some degree and got even worse when I tried to fix it and more things happened to me. It has colored every aspect of my life and stolen my future and what non-looks based potential I had. You can't really understand unless it happens to you or it's something you deal with personally. Try being a female mistaken for a man with hair down to your waist and having small children run from you and call you ugly before even half your ugliness even set in!!

It attracted a lot of bullying in school so even that avenue of success was something I had to run away from prematurely. Some of my issues also affect function too, quality of life of the physical as well as the mental. My parents created that problem and were cruel to me about it, to this very day they blame me, rather than themselves..for my whole situation leading up to now. It amazes me. My siblings are both attractive and have lives. It's insane how genetics work...I look nothing like them. In all the worst ways possible. One of them used to make fun of me and many others growing up and probably still does considering who they hang out with...when they are not putting on an act for them. And they still will if I piss them off. He treated everyone, especially me, like dirt. I treated everyone better than I treated myself. (Now I just seethe with hatred and despair) But he got held up on a pedestal even so, by the world, even by the family and friends that he turned his nose up to. Hell..even I am guilty of it. And me? Well I got fucked, obviously. That's why I am here. My other sibling did have one thing I can sympathize with but that thing has passed as far as I know and he has it way better than I do. Got talked down to recently by him and called a burden to my absolute nightmare of a father (the same father neither of them could stand to live with) among other things because he was forced to speak to me when a family emergency happened.

Both of them have no interest in me as a human being. (Any feigned energy thrust my way has only been a result of my mother orchestrating and lying to me.) They are busy with their covert narc/ego touting SO's (also tries to orchestrate behind the scenes) and adoptive family of a friend who looks like they walked off the cover of a magazine. I can't compete, even for familial affection..how sad. Concerning them-and most people in the real world, I am not a prize to be won, I am not intimidating, I am not someone whose opinion they care about. And if they didn't like my opinion, they would disown me without a second thought or an ounce of guilt. Disposable. I'm not good enough for them. I am an embarrassment that they refuse to have sympathy for and are unable to feel empathy for. They don't even ask about me. I have been dead to them for a long while despite my attempts at the only type of connecting I can manage from my isolation. The only thing I am good for is to make them feel better about themselves. One thought of my life's trajectory, or one look at me can make your average person smugger than a cross armed cat on a love seat throne.

You know though...if I didn't have my eyes forced open to this level of suffering, if my fate wasn't so far off from them and their ilk, then no doubt I would be the upholder of every origin family value..I would help them bury a body quite literally. Maybe my sorry ass would even now. With a pillow over my head. But I need to give up and gain some apathy..because I have nothing and gave every fuck, while they have everything and gave zero fucks. I can't imagine. This existence is so exhausting. The unfairness of some people against the world is bad enough, but when you are an anomaly among your own blood..that really fucks a person up. I have no one in this family who I can turn to. Every time I go into meltdown mode and pace around the house about to smash my head into a wall, I grab my phone and realize how alone I am, even on my dying day these people would have no comforting words for me. They wouldn't even respect my wishes for postmortem plans. Which is something I am worried about with my patience waning in regards to getting this over and done with.

They say everything-every problem- is relative, yea well..can't get much more relative than your damn relatives, and anyone else they decide to bring into the family to cause you torture. Their existence adds another nasty, insidious layer to the suffering.

 

[kitee80]

I can relate. My parents were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me and my brother but compared to me, he seems relatively well adjusted. It sucks because he does not share the same opinion of our upbringing and he has a close emotional bond to my parents. It makes me feel crazy sometimes and a total outcast. I wonder why I was the one who got the short end of the stick with the range of mental problems I struggle through.