Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
My mother clearly did a number on me. While her passing prevented me from dealing with more abuse, she did enough in 15 years to destroy me for life. From calling me horrible names, to hurting and nearly killing me out of anger, herself hatred was evident.
She really really hated herself. Her pain had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with her. She projected that onto everyone around her. There was me, my father, and my brother.
My dad was the enabler. Though that goes without saying. I think, in some ways, he was a victim too. He tells me stories of the abuse she put him through before and during their marriage. How he was stripped of his manhood and happiness and was in fear of her taking his life.
My brother also witnessed her abuse. Hitting, screaming, making threats, she hurt him as well. However, I think I posed the greatest threat to her insecurity. Its why she tore me down at every minute. I was in some way prettier, smarter, and more valuable than she was. Instead of being proud for me, she hated me
I could go more into the abuse; however, I can only handle so much at a time. What I will say is this: I believe, form my own experience, suicidal ideation can often time stem from abuse. In my case, I cannot say that the bullying at school added to my suicidality. It was depressing, but nowhere near the abuse she put me through. She hated me with every fiber of her body, and it got to a pint where she even told me to die. Looking back, I wish I did. Just to know how she would have felt. She would have very well gotten what she wanted. There would have been nothing to compete against, nothing to fight over.
But…the hatred would have passed onto my brother. He would have taken over my spot and gotten the brunt of the abuse. And by extension my father as well. Heck, if we all managed to escape from her, she would have probably ended up hurting herself out of a lack of control
There was no winning. If I had died, it would have been my brother. And if he had died it would have been my father. My mom was damaged from the start
So I guess this leaves me where I am. While I am on my journey to healing, I also want to hold onto suicide. I want to hold onto the idea that, at any time, I can tap out. Sometimes the journey and the lifelong trauma is too much to bear. You can only handle so much. I know I have my limits to what I can/can't handle. I fear I might die one day by suicide.
Overall, I believe we should all have the right to end our lives. Some people can rise above their trauma. Other's cannot. For those who are unable to, we should not shame them. We should have empathy and instead bring shame to the perpetrates. Be it bullies, parents, or whatever abuser drove them to such a state. But often than not, they do not get punished. They get to thrive while we die.
She really really hated herself. Her pain had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with her. She projected that onto everyone around her. There was me, my father, and my brother.
My dad was the enabler. Though that goes without saying. I think, in some ways, he was a victim too. He tells me stories of the abuse she put him through before and during their marriage. How he was stripped of his manhood and happiness and was in fear of her taking his life.
My brother also witnessed her abuse. Hitting, screaming, making threats, she hurt him as well. However, I think I posed the greatest threat to her insecurity. Its why she tore me down at every minute. I was in some way prettier, smarter, and more valuable than she was. Instead of being proud for me, she hated me
I could go more into the abuse; however, I can only handle so much at a time. What I will say is this: I believe, form my own experience, suicidal ideation can often time stem from abuse. In my case, I cannot say that the bullying at school added to my suicidality. It was depressing, but nowhere near the abuse she put me through. She hated me with every fiber of her body, and it got to a pint where she even told me to die. Looking back, I wish I did. Just to know how she would have felt. She would have very well gotten what she wanted. There would have been nothing to compete against, nothing to fight over.
But…the hatred would have passed onto my brother. He would have taken over my spot and gotten the brunt of the abuse. And by extension my father as well. Heck, if we all managed to escape from her, she would have probably ended up hurting herself out of a lack of control
There was no winning. If I had died, it would have been my brother. And if he had died it would have been my father. My mom was damaged from the start
So I guess this leaves me where I am. While I am on my journey to healing, I also want to hold onto suicide. I want to hold onto the idea that, at any time, I can tap out. Sometimes the journey and the lifelong trauma is too much to bear. You can only handle so much. I know I have my limits to what I can/can't handle. I fear I might die one day by suicide.
Overall, I believe we should all have the right to end our lives. Some people can rise above their trauma. Other's cannot. For those who are unable to, we should not shame them. We should have empathy and instead bring shame to the perpetrates. Be it bullies, parents, or whatever abuser drove them to such a state. But often than not, they do not get punished. They get to thrive while we die.
