Venting NARCISSIST FATHER. I HATE HIM. (PART 3)

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

III. NOW

In recent years we begun to keep our distance from Ndad, preferring to mind our own business. As of now, we've more or less given him the cold shoulder. As age is catching up with him, he starts to feel desperate and wants to close the gap, making sure that we'll take care of him when he's old. He becomes frustrated when the same tactics don't work. As empaths are narcissist magnets, he starts to look for a target – the person who's always had a soft spot for him: me. Piece of cake, right? No. As you can already tell, Dad, I'm BS-proof. I'm not your bitch. I've become hard as nails so no, you can't fool me with your crocodile tears. You complain about your health problems, but what about me? There's not a single day I'm without pain. Jokes aside, he's the reason my amour-propre has gone to hell. I'm fucked in the head and he is to blame. Although he has never laid a finger on me, part of me secretly wishes he did, because then I'd have a reason to retaliate in kind.

The media protrays the pandemic as an opportunity for family bonding as we spend more time together. However, one doesn't have to look at the divorce and domestic violence statistics to know that spending 24/7 together destroys relationships. For one thing, our already lukewarm relationship with Ndad has been deteriorating faster than ever. Even though he shuts himself in most of the time, I've been increasingly agitated and anxious in his presence that if this were fiction, he'd be surrounded by an oppressive aura.

As I've been helping out at home all this while, recently he came up and told me instead of being like those who strive for material gain and to make a name for themselves, I should 'follow my heart and do what's best for myself'. I would've thanked him if he were the run-of-the-mill dad, but there's always an ulterior motive behind whatever he says and does. All of us have agreed that it's to keep me homebound. Maybe sometime later I'll be his nurs– I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THAT AGAIN? There's no way I can be intimate with him as I find him most obnoxious to be with.

I've lost count of how many times I've dreamt we fought ever since the pandemic started, and they get more violent each time. I'm starting to get homicidal fantasies. If this goes on, there are two scenarios: either he gets hurt or I'll get admitted to psychiatric hospital.

PART I
PART II

 

[okkkk]

Its surreal seeing your description of your narcissistic father in such a clear and professional format. Mostly because he sounds exactly like my dad. Even down to this third segment with whats happening in the present. The bullshit situation I was born into finally collapsed under its own weight. Even though im still in the blast radius of this disaster I can honestly say i feel extreme relief just because its finally fucking over. And the abuse I was constantly being told didnt exists is directly in front of all of our faces. It would be bittersweet if there was some kind of upside but there isnt. I feel damaged by the entire experience. And I can relate to suppressing those violent urges. Im confident that me making an account here is a direct result of being stuck in that shitty home environment. I hope youre dealing with it well and not letting an inauspicious circumstance define your life. thats really what he would have wanted.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Your dad sounds a lot like my dad too minus the religiousness. My dad was an atheist but all your other descriptions of yours from the narcissism to the passive-aggressiveness to the manipulation all of that describes my dad. I'm sort of glad he beat me up one day over ten years ago and since then I haven't had to live with him anymore so I'm lucky there. I'm really sorry that something like that's the best you can hope for if you want to escape him.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I'm sort of glad he beat me up one day over ten years ago and since then I haven't had to live with him anymore so I'm lucky there. I'm really sorry that something like that's the best you can hope for if you want to escape him.

Lucky you! They say desperate times call for desperate measures. Here, Ndad hasn't laid a finger on anyone because he's afraid 'what comes around goes around'. (Yes, he's had the audacity to preach.) If I am to preserve my sanity, going No Contact is a must. However, the reason why we haven't burned bridges is because we can't swim yet

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Lucky you! They say desperate times call for desperate measures. Here, Ndad hasn't laid a finger on anyone is because he's afraid 'what comes around goes around'. (Yes, he's had the audacity to preach.) If I am to preserve my sanity, going No Contact is a must. However, the reason why we haven't burned bridges is because we can't swim yet.

You're right that limiting contact is basically the the best you can do at this point. Hope you can find a way to escape soon...

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Its surreal seeing your description of your narcissistic father in such a clear and professional format. Mostly because he sounds exactly like my dad. Even down to this third segment with whats happening in the present. The bullshit situation I was born into finally collapsed under its own weight. Even though im still in the blast radius of this disaster I can honestly say i feel extreme relief just because its finally fucking over. And the abuse I was constantly being told didnt exists is directly in front of all of our faces. It would be bittersweet if there was some kind of upside but there isnt. I feel damaged by the entire experience. And I can relate to suppressing those violent urges. Im confident that me making an account here is a direct result of being stuck in that shitty home environment. I hope youre dealing with it well and not letting an inauspicious circumstance define your life. thats really what he would have wanted.

I'm glad it's over for you, and I know what it's like to be invalidated. I feel bad for my mom – she'll never leave his side. Even though it's been a one-sided relationship of all give and no take for her. I'm trying not to let what happened affect me, but until he's gone I have a feeling it's going to be a never-ending drama. With that said, I could go No Contact, or we could put him in a nursing home. Either way is considered unfilial and you'll get weird stares and gossip behind your back. (*sigh* Asian culture)

You're right. If not for my circumstances I'd probably still be wondering why people can be driven to take their own lives. SS has only been the only forum I've been able to rant to my hearts content so I'm happy to have found this community. (I could post this on r/raisedbynarcissists but Reddit has a high turnover rate, and is filled with pro-life rhetoric.)

 

[lobster salad]

We are in similar situations. I hope that your mom is someone you can talk to, because I'd imagine it would make things much easier.

On my side, cos of how they are, I can't talk to anyone in the family unfortunately so my plan is to save enough to move out and live alone. You could do the same too. Another option would be to find a bf and move out to live with him. Whatever the case I wish you luck in escaping that hell

 

[Pluto]

Hard to respond to this without writing a novel.

My father grew up in a rough boarding school, effectively abandoned by his parents and struggling to survive. At some point he permanently lost the ability to feel empathy. I liken this process to a star becoming a black hole.

He was rarely violent, but instead got his way through a profoundly dexterous ability to control the emotions of others and manipulate narratives to his will.

His abuse seemed very subtle if outsiders noticed it at all. For example, either not speaking to me at all because he's 'too good' (replicating his own abandonment in the process), or speaking to me with deliberately intellectually-bankrupt language as if I were still a toddler when I was now a teen or twenty-something despite being an actual English teacher. As someone now qualified to work with children, I later realised that he had reverse-engineered the teaching about 'age-appropriate language' to come up with a very innovative way to abuse me in ways that nobody would actually notice, and could easily be denied.

He also managed to 'disappear' during times when I was in crisis, then later claim that he knew nothing about it. His subtle bullying set me up for a school era dominated by being the bitch of every insecure little shit. I had 2 older sisters who were freely allowed to take out their rage at his negligence by tormenting me. I coped by taking endless sick days off school only to fall behind in grades, and eventually dropped out of school before completing, setting up a lifetime of working crappy jobs, as well as social awkwardness, mental health woes and a lack of relationships.

As a late teen, I stopped speaking. I was pale in the face and spent all day escaping from reality on my computer. It was at this point that my father showed his true colours. With the help of a psychologist, he manufactured a cover story that all of my PTSD symptoms were a product of having autism, and thus should have gotten special treatment at school as well as lacking normal social skills.

If I tried to speak out about him being a fucking brutaliser, I only played further into his narrative that I was a nasty, hostile young man unworthy of the charming, sweet little old man that he was. Through character assassination, the entire extended family stopped speaking to me as I was either viewed as retarded, or toxic, or both. Every story from the past was re-written to make my father the innocent victim.

Now, 20 years later, I have fought hard to work shitty jobs and buy a humble home just to have a place to be safe from ever having to see him again. But the lack of support, inability to trust people, lack of friendships/relationships and generally disturbed personality has taken its toll and I see that I was fighting a losing battle if I wanted to out-live him. My whole life has just been an exercising in struggling and suffering for his entertainment, so he can then play the game of making it look like he is innocent and I am a scumbag who deserves further punishment. There used to be a forum member here called 'Good person effed', and I think this sums up my life as well.

 

[netrezven]

My father used to be another person only few years ago. Don't understand how few years can change you into that. Anyway, i recently got cold on the inside, and when something like that happens, it won't change. Still gonna play friendly but keep my distance, if he needs help i can give him that help or most likely to just pay for it, but hell no emotional attachements ever to any of them.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Thank you for sharing your story, @Pluto. I'm sorry for what you've been through. It's sickening to hear how you've suffered at the hands of such a cunning, calculating and conniving person. I agree wholeheartedly that if you were to go into every single detail of a life lived in the narcissistic parent's shadow, you could write an entire novel series. Narcissists suck the life out of you. Their charades and shenanigans leave you drained and depleted. The damage to your psyche cannot be undone—you are left with scars that will not heal.

One can see the similarity a narcissistic parent is to a cult leader or politician, in demonising dissenters through character assassination. God forbid you blaspheme the perfect family man/woman. Resistance is futile. Narcissistic abuse is a battle you, and only you, fight. No one is on your side, and no one will see your struggles.

My father grew up in a rough boarding school, effectively abandoned by his parents and struggling to survive. At some point he permanently lost the ability to feel empathy. I liken this process to a star becoming a black hole.

You raised a good point. A narcissist's upbringing may likely have made them the way they are. My father was raised in a militant household where everyone follows the unwritten rule of 'silence is golden'. Based on hearsay, my paternal grandmother was a disciplinarian who had no respect for personal boundaries. I think it's fair to speculate that my father's maladaptive habits could've stemmed from doing whatever he could to survive and prove himself.

My father used to be another person only few years ago. Don't understand how few years can change you into that. Anyway, i recently got cold on the inside, and when something like that happens, it won't change. Still gonna play friendly but keep my distance, if he needs help i can give him that help or most likely to just pay for it, but hell no emotional attachements ever to any of them.

Likewise. We Chinese have a saying "冰冻三尺非一日之寒"—it takes more than one cold day for the river to freeze three feet deep. Its meaning is similar to the proverb 'Rome was not built in a day'. Whatever my father says or does will not get us to warm up to him, be it love-bombing or feigning health crises to tug your heartstrings. We're willing to help if he so needs, but no more, no less.