My young dog died and I want to ctb.

[theebabybelle]

First time poster, long time lurker.

I was sexually abused by my brother and emotionally abused by my parents so for as long as I can remember, I've been suicidal. I've had many attempts to CTB throughout my life, but all of these attempts were always impulsive, never planned out. A year ago, I was diagnosed with BPD, which isn't surprising at all - I am basically the "poster child"/adult for this disorder.

In June of 2020, along with my diagnosis, I decided that I was really going to fight my depression and so, along with the appropriate therapy for BPD, I got a dog. This had been my life long dream, and couple weeks later he was here.

When my dog came into my life, he made everything better. He gave me purpose: daily activities and walks outside, another life to look after, to cherish… and a future to look forward to with him. I still had suicidal thoughts, but my desire to be by my dog's side always took over. I struggle a lot with abandonment issues (bpd symptom) and I've just always felt so disposable to the people in my life – I would have never in a million years passed that feeling on to my dog. He was my everything.

Before my dog, I felt so empty inside and desperately longed for an intensely close bond with someone else (another bpd symptom). I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved unconditionally and without a doubt. My dog gave me that. He loved me unconditionally and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he did. It was a love that felt so peaceful for once. I loved him back just the same. He went everywhere with me. Taking care of him never felt like a chore, it just made me happy. He even helped me be a better friend to the people in my life because I wasn't so focused on my pain anymore. The big black hole that I had lived with my entire life, that had consumed me from the inside, was gone. Really.

A week ago, I was at my mom's house with my dog. She bought this house a year ago, around the same time that I got my dog. Little did we know that the previous owners had left a very deadly and effective rat poison (alpha chloralose) under the different appliances. This time my dog managed to sneak under the oven and started chewing on the rat poison. Because I'm always paying attention to him, in a matter of minutes I had gotten him back and took him straight to the vet just across the street from my mom's house. After being in intensive care for almost 48h, he died…

I can't cope with his loss. I don't want to accept that he is gone. I haven't left my room since his passing because I don't want to accept that the world keeps turning without him. In my room, time is at a standstill. I've left all his things just the way they are. His little bed at the feet of my bed, his bowl filled with water in the kitchen, his leash hanging on the coat rack by the door. I don't want to go back to the shell of a person that I was before him. Thinking about getting another dog feels like such a huge betrayal to my dog. I feel like this is a sign from the universe that I need to die and I can never be happy, because whatever makes me happy will be taken away from me… He was my baby. He was only 15 months old.

I've ordered my SN and waiting for it to arrive. I want to CTB and hopefully be reunited with my dog.

TLDR: My one-year-old dog who saved me from my depression died suddenly from eating rat poison. I can't cope and I've been planning to CTB with SN.

 

[luten]

My condolences. I am sorry that all of this happened.

I see that you have family problems, i do too. I can also relate to losing a dog. I love animals more than I could ever love a person. Our pawed friends are very dear to our hearts. I think about my dog every day, and I lost her in 2005. I am a grown man, and I still think about her everyday. I understand your pain.

I sometimes think that getting another dog would help, but I am not living in a house anymore, so I can't get a dog. I will have to treasure the memories of my dog instead.


I want to tell you that accidents do happen everyday, people lose their lives because of accidents. Unfortunately this terrible accident happened, and you have to deal with your losses. We have to accept that at some point in our lives that we are going to lose our loved-ones, it is just how the cycle of life works. Accidents is part of life, it is not your fault.



I hope that you can forgive this accident, and that you find an appropriate way of handling your circumstances. Please also know that your family problems, and the death of your dog are two separate things, even while it may feel like everything goes against you, they are still separate things.



If you feel that you cant handle this situation at all, then you will have to reach out to someone who can give you guidance. CTB is not the answer to this particular problem. Trying to fix death with death is not going to help you, or your late dog.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand how pets can make our lives so much better (I have a cat) and can be the one thing keeping us here, so I feel your pain. This life really can be cruel and loss is one of the hardest things to deal with. I wish you well.

 

[offshoreserver]

Before my dog, I felt so empty inside and desperately longed for an intensely close bond with someone else (another bpd symptom). I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved unconditionally and without a doubt. My dog gave me that. He loved me unconditionally and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he did. It was a love that felt so peaceful for once. I loved him back just the same.

what you've gone through here is so incredibly sad. i am so sorry for both you and for your baby. the bpd/incest survivor cocktail is incredibly hard to deal with even without this grief on top of it. i really feel for you.

one thing i'm very familiar with is the way bpd has an impact on the way you love. you have so much love to give, and you want that love in return, usually because something was really wrong with your formative relationships (abusive family). i know you said getting another dog feels like a betrayal, but try to remember that this pain you're feeling comes from profound love. there are so many animals that could benefit from all your love. it's the silver lining of borderline life, really.

i'm not trying to make you feel bad with this, it's obviously your choice. but emotions surge with bpd. it really amplifies them. i know you know this, but i'm reminding you of it anyway. if you could process this grief and find love again, would you still want to die?

 

[at-sea]

First time poster, long time lurker.

I was sexually abused by my brother and emotionally abused by my parents so for as long as I can remember, I've been suicidal. I've had many attempts to CTB throughout my life, but all of these attempts were always impulsive, never planned out. A year ago, I was diagnosed with BPD, which isn't surprising at all - I am basically the "poster child"/adult for this disorder.

In June of 2020, along with my diagnosis, I decided that I was really going to fight my depression and so, along with the appropriate therapy for BPD, I got a dog. This had been my life long dream, and couple weeks later he was here.

When my dog came into my life, he made everything better. He gave me purpose: daily activities and walks outside, another life to look after, to cherish… and a future to look forward to with him. I still had suicidal thoughts, but my desire to be by my dog's side always took over. I struggle a lot with abandonment issues (bpd symptom) and I've just always felt so disposable to the people in my life – I would have never in a million years passed that feeling on to my dog. He was my everything.

Before my dog, I felt so empty inside and desperately longed for an intensely close bond with someone else (another bpd symptom). I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved unconditionally and without a doubt. My dog gave me that. He loved me unconditionally and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that he did. It was a love that felt so peaceful for once. I loved him back just the same. He went everywhere with me. Taking care of him never felt like a chore, it just made me happy. He even helped me be a better friend to the people in my life because I wasn't so focused on my pain anymore. The big black hole that I had lived with my entire life, that had consumed me from the inside, was gone. Really.

A week ago, I was at my mom's house with my dog. She bought this house a year ago, around the same time that I got my dog. Little did we know that the previous owners had left a very deadly and effective rat poison (alpha chloralose) under the different appliances. This time my dog managed to sneak under the oven and started chewing on the rat poison. Because I'm always paying attention to him, in a matter of minutes I had gotten him back and took him straight to the vet just across the street from my mom's house. After being in intensive care for almost 48h, he died…

I can't cope with his loss. I don't want to accept that he is gone. I haven't left my room since his passing because I don't want to accept that the world keeps turning without him. In my room, time is at a standstill. I've left all his things just the way they are. His little bed at the feet of my bed, his bowl filled with water in the kitchen, his leash hanging on the coat rack by the door. I don't want to go back to the shell of a person that I was before him. Thinking about getting another dog feels like such a huge betrayal to my dog. I feel like this is a sign from the universe that I need to die and I can never be happy, because whatever makes me happy will be taken away from me… He was my baby. He was only 15 months old.

I've ordered my SN and waiting for it to arrive. I want to CTB and hopefully be reunited with my dog.

TLDR: My one-year-old dog who saved me from my depression died suddenly from eating rat poison. I can't cope and I've been planning to CTB with SN.

I really am so so sorry for your lost, my heart aches for you. Just reading about it has me crying and imagining the amount of grief you must be feeling. And even doing so, I bet it can't even compare to what you're feeling.

I won't tell you what I think you should do or how to cope, as I'm not in your place. All I can offer is to lend you an ear and a big warm hug.

I hope things get better or you have an idea on how to cope with this

 

[alwaysSuffering]

I'm so soooo sooo sorry. Your post has me crying. I am here on SS for the same reason. My dog passed suddenly and unexpectedly right in front of me 5 weeks ago. I tried to save him. I can't live without him. I have a history of abuse and have PTSD and depression and he was all I had. I have lived alone with him for 7 years and 4 months and now I am in an empty house. All his stuff is around, untouched still. His toys are exactly where he left them, except his newest/favorite one that I had just bought him in Jan for his last birthday which I now have in bed with me as I sleep with it and his collar.

I don't understand how we're supposed to just go on with our lives when our closest loved one dies. It just seems absurd to me that I'm supposed to just go on now when my life is totally meaningless and empty. I really, really want N. If I had N, I would not be here right now.

Anyway, again, I'm sooooooo sorry that you're going through this hell too. I wish you all the best and completely understand what you're going through and the need to end it.

 

[Donk]

as a dog owner i cant imagine losing my dog at such a young age. im sorry for your loss. my pal is 12 yo now and has loss most of his vision due to cateracts. have you given any thoughts of adopting another pup?

 

[hahabye]

I am so sorry for your loss, even imagining what you're going through makes me tear up.

My kitten was diagnosed with FIP, an incurable and fatal illness, last fall. He was just 3 months old, a tiny baby. After the diagnosis I cried for so hard and so long I thought I was going to throw up. I only got to experience the slight hint of what losing him would feel like and the pain was excruciating.

I can absolutely understand your desire to reunite with your dog, I'd definitely feel the same. The connections we form with pets are incredibly special and unique and there seems to be nothing that would ever be able to stop the pain of losing them.

But if you do decide to get a new dog, at least in my experience, it does help a lot. I know at first it just feels wrong, like a betrayal, indeed. But after some time passed, the grief for the lost dog got smaller for me and the unconditional love for the new dog grew bigger and bigger. And all the new memories I got to make with the new dog made the pain of loss get smaller with time. Eventually she did not feel like a "replacement" dog at all. And while the memory of the lost dog stayed with me forever, I formed as strong of a connection with the new dog.

 

[Bullit]

Goddamn that asshole leaving rat poison in his house!! You say you don't want a new dog? OK. You have to endure this loss while you figure out your long term plan. Give yourself time.
Dogs are a noble animal,aren't they.

 

[Pookie]

I'm so sorry about your lil fur baby. May he sleep tight.

 

[theebabybelle]

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to react and/or to reply to my post. I wrote on here without really knowing how it would affect me, but the support has brought me some comfort in some weird way.

@luten : I know these are two unrelated events, I just mentioned my family problems to explain the background of my lifelong suicide ideation. Yes, it is just an accident but it's hard not to let it completely submerge me when my life already feels like one big giant accident and I was never even suppose to be here. My life's purpose only made sense through loving my dog. I understand what you are saying though, and thank you for caring.

@offshoreserver : I feel so much understanding coming from your message. Yes, BPD absolutely makes me (and other pwBPD as you probably know) one big ball of emotions. It had always felt like a curse really, until I got my dog – then it started feeling like a blessing. I felt so proud of myself that I could love another living thing so deeply and care for him so well. I don't mean to brag, but I was a really good dog parent. It was the first time I was actually good at something. It made me believe in myself, and like I said, I even began believing that I could be good to other humans. To answer your question, I think that if I loved another dog again, I could never abandon it just because I am unable to put another living thing through the feelings I go through – so yes I would want to live. But I am so angry at life for taking away my beautiful innocent baby that I don't even want to try. It's like I want to hurt/take revenge on life by taking my own. You are right when you say my feelings are amplified, this is all very fresh. After posting on here, I have decided to take so time to think about what I want to do. This is all still very much in realm of "impulsive decision making", so I am taking some time…

@alwaysSuffering : I am just so angry, I refuse to continue living. I am at home with all my curtains pulled shut and refuse to be part of the living. I want everyone else to forget I even existed so I can just fade away. SN is scary to me, N sounds like a dream…spontaneously never waking up, the best possible outcome.

@Bullit : There is no one on earth I want to hurt more right now than these awful heartless people. We tried asking them exactly where they had left more of this rat poison because my brother (not my abuser, I have 3 brothers) is having a baby soon and we don't want any children getting poisoned when they come. They just replied "we don't remember" and barely offered an apology for my dog. I wish I could sue them, I wish I could hurt them.

To everyone asking - I do think about getting another dog, but every time I do I feel like the worst person in the world and that the other dog could never be as good as my dog. I feel like it's not fair to the new dog to adopt him in those conditions. I've looked at animal shelter websites, but I don't feel like I am allowed to be happy when my dog is dead. Thinking about getting another dog sometimes pushes me towards the edge of CTB.

 

[deepinlimbo]

Maybe you should give yourself some time to greave the loss of your dog and maybe then you can get another dog, but I wouldn't consider doing that yet considering how it makes you feel right now. Unfortunately it was an accident and a very tragic one indeed. I'm afraid I'm here because of accidents I made, so I know how things like this can feel as though the universe is against you.

But I do feel in agreement here with a lot of these posts that I don't think you should ctb, there's probably another dog out there looking for someone like you who will love them unconditionally and with such passion. I hear all the time of dogs in shelters having lived without love and care just waiting to be adopted.
Your dog gave you reason to enjoy life and I think the same can happen again with another dog, loosing a pet is like loosing a human life for people. Our animals are part of our Family and it's natural to feel like you do especially with your life history as well to feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself up over this. I know it may sound ridiculous but I'm sure if your dog could speak and was around now I think he would want you to try to make the best of things (sorry if that sounds patronising) by the sounds of it you made what life he had incredible and what every dog deserves. If only everyone who had a dog loved them like you do. Why I think in time and again give yourself some time, you should maybe consider adopting a dog that wasn't so fortunate to begin with in life.

but for now I think some grieving and acceptance of your loss will help in the long term. All of SS will be here to help you in that grieving period.

look after yourself and I hope you can feel better soon.

 

[alwaysSuffering]

I do think about getting another dog, but every time I do I feel like the worst person in the world and that the other dog could never be as good as my dog. I feel like it's not fair to the new dog to adopt him in those conditions. I've looked at animal shelter websites, but I don't feel like I am allowed to be happy when my dog is dead.

I feel this exact same way! I know no other dog could be more perfect than my baby. He was the most perfect dog to me in every way I needed a dog. Big, strong, protective, fearless, extremely smart. Everything I needed. I've never met another dog like him in my life. I feel like I didn't deserve him and I don't deserve another dog either. Plus, now I know that someone can just spontaneously die without any fucking warning and I can't handle that again. I already worried enough before, always trying to make sure he was safe and healthy, giving him the best food, etc. All my efforts were in vain. And there was nothing I could do.

 

[Pookie]

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to react and/or to reply to my post. I wrote on here without really knowing how it would affect me, but the support has brought me some comfort in some weird way.

@luten : I know these are two unrelated events, I just mentioned my family problems to explain the background of my lifelong suicide ideation. Yes, it is just an accident but it's hard not to let it completely submerge me when my life already feels like one big giant accident and I was never even suppose to be here. My life's purpose only made sense through loving my dog. I understand what you are saying though, and thank you for caring.

@offshoreserver : I feel so much understanding coming from your message. Yes, BPD absolutely makes me (and other pwBPD as you probably know) one big ball of emotions. It had always felt like a curse really, until I got my dog – then it started feeling like a blessing. I felt so proud of myself that I could love another living thing so deeply and care for him so well. I don't mean to brag, but I was a really good dog parent. It was the first time I was actually good at something. It made me believe in myself, and like I said, I even began believing that I could be good to other humans. To answer your question, I think that if I loved another dog again, I could never abandon it just because I am unable to put another living thing through the feelings I go through – so yes I would want to live. But I am so angry at life for taking away my beautiful innocent baby that I don't even want to try. It's like I want to hurt/take revenge on life by taking my own. You are right when you say my feelings are amplified, this is all very fresh. After posting on here, I have decided to take so time to think about what I want to do. This is all still very much in realm of "impulsive decision making", so I am taking some time…

@alwaysSuffering : I am just so angry, I refuse to continue living. I am at home with all my curtains pulled shut and refuse to be part of the living. I want everyone else to forget I even existed so I can just fade away. SN is scary to me, N sounds like a dream…spontaneously never waking up, the best possible outcome.

@Bullit : There is no one on earth I want to hurt more right now than these awful heartless people. We tried asking them exactly where they had left more of this rat poison because my brother (not my abuser, I have 3 brothers) is having a baby soon and we don't want any children getting poisoned when they come. They just replied "we don't remember" and barely offered an apology for my dog. I wish I could sue them, I wish I could hurt them.

To everyone asking - I do think about getting another dog, but every time I do I feel like the worst person in the world and that the other dog could never be as good as my dog. I feel like it's not fair to the new dog to adopt him in those conditions. I've looked at animal shelter websites, but I don't feel like I am allowed to be happy when my dog is dead. Thinking about getting another dog sometimes pushes me towards the edge of CTB.

Perhaps wait until your grieving period over your current dog has subsided. Then you won't feel so guilty to adopt a new dog and will be able to give your new pup the love and attention it deserves.

Besides, every dog is different and has its own special personality and quirks. NO OTHER dog can replace the one you just lost but I'm sure you still have a lot of love to give to a new pet when you feel ready.

 

[Lost Magic]

I am lonely as fuck, but personally I would not get a pet whilst I feel suicidal. Thought about getting a little dog a while ago. However, I would hate for that animal to have to be relocated because I have offed myself. So sorry about your loss. I have been there. It hurts.