pwned4453
New Member
- Dec 22, 2021
- 1
Hey.
First of all, I wanted to say hi since I'm new here. Brace yourselves, this is gonna be long.
Let's start with me.
I've never held hands with any girl romantically. I've got a really narrow circle of friends (I know this is not a bad thing itself, but I'll get to what I wanna say about that later). I have social anxiety and I am over 90% introverted (atleast that's what the online tests told me).
In high school, I was doing pretty great study-wise, although in the last two years of it I got pretty lazy and basically wasn't doing anything, and that obviously affected my results on final exams. They were not bad, but they could've been much greater than what I got. I'm not saying I am super smart or something, it's just that I underperformed.
Now, let's get down to why I think giving up with everything and ctb would be a good idea in my case.
At the end of 2020, IIRC, my, let's say, "imagination of a happy, fulfilled life" started to change. Or, perhaps, I was slowly realising there's one more thing needed for a happy life that I probably will never get.
Before that, I thought a well-paying job that is going to let me save money for my interests, hobbies and games and living in moderately good conditions would be enough. I'd go out with my friends from time to time, but not too often, since I'd probably be mentally drained from too much social interaction. I've had thoughts about having a girlfriend, but they were more like "well, if I manage to get one, that's great, but if not, that's still good, I'm gonna be happy anyway".
But yeah, as I mentioned before, in HS I got pretty lazy, so I wasn't doing anything that would bring me closer to my goal of a happy life. I kinda started to make plans about my future career, got my feet into programming and actually enjoyed that, but quite quickly stopped - here I really can't see why I did so, perhaps some depressive episode kicked in (i started having those at about 13, with various frequencies), perhaps it was just procrastination (yeah, I know it sounds crazy - procrastinating even though you like doing something, but I guess it's just my stupidness). Those last 2 years of HS were kind-of vegetative - putting minimal amount of effort, not caring about the future (besides some very short moments of hope that quickly diminished). In the last year of HS, depression started to kick in pretty heavily (at that time, it was the strongest since I started having depressive episodes at 13), and it was connected with the before-mentioned vegetative way of living and getting worried about my future more and more often. Of course, I hadn't done anything about it. I was waiting for the HS to end.
About my hobbies at that time - I didn't have any, to be honest. I would just spend my days lurking social media, looking at memes, watching netflix or playing video games (I actually started playing games less for some reason, even though I have enjoyed doing it before).
My social life, atleast in the 1st of my last 2 years of HS, was very good. I got invited to a few parties - from two of my friend groups - not too many parties, but I still was invited, and most of them I enjoyed at least moderately. There was maybe one or two occasions on where I felt "mentally exhausted" when I was at some party.
In the last year of HS, my social life wasn't the same as in the first year, but still very good. I didn't get any invites from one of my friend groups, but I still connected with friends from my second group. Mind you - in the first group I had like one very close friend, maybe two not too close friends. The rest were people I knew from school and maybe their SOs, but I didn't talk too much to them. They were a much bigger group and more party-oriented compared to the latter. In the second group I have two close friends, like two or three not-so-close, and the rest of the group was their friends or SOs. So we weren't always meeting at parties, actually going out for a beer or smoking weed was more common. But I still enjoyed that and wouldn't really say it was worse (often even better).
I probably sound like a normie - well, I'm 100% certain I am a normie - at least in the looks and height department.
Now, how has my imagination of a happy life changed? Well - having a girlfriend slowly became a priority, or should I say - someone I'll never have and that's why right now I am demotivated and completely cannot focus on other aspects of my life.
I feel like the need of being in a relationship has always been inside me, but I've always thought that I am not enough, I am boring, I'd make a bad first impression due to my social anxiety and boring personality, and her and me will soon become uninterested. I'm pretty certain that this loss of interest happened at least once (yeah, I think I had a chance with a girl, she even took the initiative), but even if it didn't, I'd still think that I am not ready for a relationship due to the reasons I mentioned earlier. It didn't matter if I felt something for the girl, I'd still push the idea of being with her to the back of my mind and tell myself I don't need a girlfriend to be happy.
Since the end of 2020, I started daydreaming about having a relationship more and more often. I really cannot explain why - maybe I was holding it in for way too long, I can't really say. As I mentioned earlier, my last 2 years of HS were spent in a vegetative state. From the end of 2020 until the end of HS (May 2021) I would alternate between procrastinating and dreaming about a relationship. Mind you, this was still a time when I could focus on something, at least something different than school and do it, if it wasn't for my procrastination. I kinda wanted to get into creating music back then and actually would do something in that direction, only to quit soon. This has happened a few more times during that period. But there were days when I could say that I didn't waste them and actually improved myself, and, while actually doing my hobby, I didn't feel sad, depressed and empty.
Ok. After HS ended, I got depressed even more, due to me being worried about my future and not having any plans for my future career. I actually started to think if there's anything that I would at least moderately enjoy and push it to be my job. Then I remembered I tried a bit of programming earlier in HS. Well, I tried to get into it again - and this time I liked it even more than before. My hopes went up a lot - even though I was predicting my scores from final exams not to be great, I still should manage to get in a decent university, study IT and do more programming at home, myself. I've also thought about doing at least a little bit of some physical activity everyday - as I would be sitting in front of the computer all day. The goal was to lower the probability of headaches (which would typically ruin the rest of my day if I got one) and overall feel a little bit better. So I started doing some basic exercises at home that would be more exhausting, like pushups, squats, lunges, abs exercises, just to get the blood flowing. Besides school and programming, I decided I am still going to pursue my hobby of creating music. I've bought myself a decent pair of studio headphones and a MIDI controller to learn piano. I have also started going to a driving school to obtain a driver's license, but I wasn't enthusiastic about that. It felt more like a necessity, compared to other things. All those plans were made in like the middle of June. The semester would start on October.
How did the realisation of those plans go until October? Not too well, but not too bad either. I was programming on and off - sometimes I would spend a good chunk of a day on it, sometimes just a little, sometimes I wouldn't program at all. The scores of final exams came in, and I scored enough points to qualify for the university I applied to. Regarding my music hobby - it was much worse, I stopped doing that and mainly focused on programming, although I didn't really feel guilty about it and promised to myself that I would continue doing it in the future. My driving practice wasn't going good, too - worse than average, in my opinion. I've never driven a car before, so it was a steep learning curve. My confidence in it was really low. Even though I tried to fight it, I was very tense during the practice drives. On the other hands, my exercises actually turned into full home workouts - I've incorporated more exercises for specific body parts and was actually training my whole body. I trained every day, I don't really remember skipping even one workout, to be honest. I've started to see muscle growth.
Although, during the June-October period, the reason for me not sticking to everything I have planned, changed a lot. In June it was like 80% procrastination and 20% daydreaming about a relationship, by the start of October, it was more like 80% daydreaming about having a gf, and 20% procrastination. Basically, I could focus less and less on the goals I've set myself. Even if I was doing something, like programming or improving my musical skills, the fantasy of having a SO could kick in at any moment and I'd spend the rest of the day, fantasizing. Mind you, the feelings about my fantasies during that period were positive, in the sense that I imagined doing cool things together, talking and laughing, cuddling, supporting and cheering each other, and it all felt so awesome and achievable relatively soon, even though in reality I basically have no chance for that. Why? We will get to that in a while, but you probably can guess that already.
Alright, it's October. The semester starts. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting - I didn't study almost at all - just for one exam in November that I somehow passed. And all the final exams that are going to decide whether or not I qualify for the next semester are going to take place in January 2022. By now I have fallen behind by A LOT. I gradually started to get lost in the material - I basically wouldn't know what's happening while at a lesson.
Regarding programming at home, at first I was doing pretty fine - my work was rather consistent, I was enjoying what I was doing, well, until the relationship fantasies became even bigger.
About my music hobby - I restarted it, but abandoned it pretty quickly too. Also due to the gf fantasies.
I stopped my driving lessons the moment I started the semester - it wasn't as much as due to the fantasies, but rather my low confidence in my driving skills.
The only thing I managed to stick to from October until like the middle of December was working out. I'd say I maybe missed like 4 days at most. Those four days were closer to the end of that period tho.
During the Oct-Dec period, my fantasies got even bigger, and one major thing started to change in them - I was slowly realising I don't have a chance for a gf, so the fantasising itself would be getting more and more depressive with time. So like the fantasies that would randomly kick in would lead to me stopping what I was doing. I'd feel something similar to a void that cannot be filled, I'd get "paralysed" and basically do nothing (ofc besides the fantasizing) because of my mood. I was feeling nostalgic for something I've never experienced. Besides stopping pursuing all of the goals I've mentioned, I've started to have problems with my workouts. See, I cannot train when I'm in a bad mood. I tried a few times, but while doing some exercises I'd instantly get a feeling of hopelessness and stop the workout. It wasn't too much of a problem at the start, because my mood during the day could change, so I'd just do the workout during the good mood period. But over time, the bad mood has taken completely over me and in the middle of December I completely stopped working out. As of today, I am pretty close to failing the semester - I'm so far behind it would be really hard to catch up with everything, especially with my depression and constant, depressive fantasies. Every morning I wake up with a bad mood, hopeless, during the day and at night I fantasize or just lay down and feel like shit, and that's how my days pass right now. I'm unable to enjoy myself, I completely stopped playing video games and watching movies/tv series, sometimes I'll just laugh at a meme, and that's basically it.
Finally, let's get to why I have no chance for a gf, even though I'd love to have her.
I just have no opportunities to meet girls. And that won't change. Why?
Let's see. I'm not invited to parties from one of my friends groups anymore, and there usually was a high percentage of girls (even though quite a lot of them were in relationships), but single ones were there too. My second friend group is heavily male-dominated, the only girls would basically be their SOs, there were very few occasions when there was a single girl present.
About my social life at the university - well, I only talk to one person. And it's not frequent, since we're only able to talk on English classes - he's from a different student group and we just happen to be in the same English class. And we're not even at a stage when one of us would be comfortale to e.g. propose going for a beer after the classes. So in my student group, I don't talk to nobody. And all the friend groups have already formed, so I really can't do anything. My social anxiety and introversion wouldn't let me anyway. I was scared of talking to anybody at the start of the semester and it stayed that way. Since it's IT, it's heavily male-dominated.
Tinder and other dating apps - I've read enough about it to know it's not a good idea (things like average matches for a man vs. a woman, top 10% guys getting 60% of the matches, the design of the app itself making you look for a "perfect" partner forever, not commiting enough to the dates due to having other options at the blink of an eye, the importance of looks being even bigger than in real life, stories of people being ghosted at the last moment, a significant drop in self-confidence after using tinder, a much higher chance of meeting a person that won't be looking for a relationship, and so on and so on). Plus I'd have to take photos of myself which I hate, and, I don't know, the idea of a dating app is just so repulsive to me, like it all becomes so mechanical and automatic. After some tips I've read about dating apps, I feel like I wouldn't be able to feel butterflies and my every move would need to be calculated.
Clubs - not a good idea due to my social anxiety and introversion, plus a low chance of finding someone looking for something serious.
Besides, we both would need to be physically attractive to each other, I would somehow need to fight off my social anxiety in order not to ruin any chances, we would need to get along together well, have similar views on life (or atleast not completely opposite) and on gender norms (equality, everyone pays for himself e.g. in a restaurant, and such), and I don't want a promiscous girl (and I'm not talking about wanting a virgin, I just want someone that treats sex as a deeper form of connection, something special and intimate that they would only do with someone they truly trust and love). So there's a lot of filtering to do. But how can I filter when I have no options?
So yeah. There's one thing I am 99,9% certain I cannot achieve, which stops me from pursuing my other goals, since I want to achieve them all at once at some point. I am really struggling with that thought, it all seems pointless to me. I've thought about it many times and tried to come up with any positive scenarios, but I just couldn't make up something realistic. I've also tried to suppress my need of a relationship and not think about it at all but I failed. It is a need I cannot fulfill.
Why am I writing this? Well, I wanted to vent, but perhaps I'm not seeing something. I'd appreciate some fresh eyes on my case, if you somehow managed to read all of this. If there seems to be no way out, that's okay, I think so too and I accepted it.
Thanks.
First of all, I wanted to say hi since I'm new here. Brace yourselves, this is gonna be long.
Let's start with me.
I've never held hands with any girl romantically. I've got a really narrow circle of friends (I know this is not a bad thing itself, but I'll get to what I wanna say about that later). I have social anxiety and I am over 90% introverted (atleast that's what the online tests told me).
In high school, I was doing pretty great study-wise, although in the last two years of it I got pretty lazy and basically wasn't doing anything, and that obviously affected my results on final exams. They were not bad, but they could've been much greater than what I got. I'm not saying I am super smart or something, it's just that I underperformed.
Now, let's get down to why I think giving up with everything and ctb would be a good idea in my case.
At the end of 2020, IIRC, my, let's say, "imagination of a happy, fulfilled life" started to change. Or, perhaps, I was slowly realising there's one more thing needed for a happy life that I probably will never get.
Before that, I thought a well-paying job that is going to let me save money for my interests, hobbies and games and living in moderately good conditions would be enough. I'd go out with my friends from time to time, but not too often, since I'd probably be mentally drained from too much social interaction. I've had thoughts about having a girlfriend, but they were more like "well, if I manage to get one, that's great, but if not, that's still good, I'm gonna be happy anyway".
But yeah, as I mentioned before, in HS I got pretty lazy, so I wasn't doing anything that would bring me closer to my goal of a happy life. I kinda started to make plans about my future career, got my feet into programming and actually enjoyed that, but quite quickly stopped - here I really can't see why I did so, perhaps some depressive episode kicked in (i started having those at about 13, with various frequencies), perhaps it was just procrastination (yeah, I know it sounds crazy - procrastinating even though you like doing something, but I guess it's just my stupidness). Those last 2 years of HS were kind-of vegetative - putting minimal amount of effort, not caring about the future (besides some very short moments of hope that quickly diminished). In the last year of HS, depression started to kick in pretty heavily (at that time, it was the strongest since I started having depressive episodes at 13), and it was connected with the before-mentioned vegetative way of living and getting worried about my future more and more often. Of course, I hadn't done anything about it. I was waiting for the HS to end.
About my hobbies at that time - I didn't have any, to be honest. I would just spend my days lurking social media, looking at memes, watching netflix or playing video games (I actually started playing games less for some reason, even though I have enjoyed doing it before).
My social life, atleast in the 1st of my last 2 years of HS, was very good. I got invited to a few parties - from two of my friend groups - not too many parties, but I still was invited, and most of them I enjoyed at least moderately. There was maybe one or two occasions on where I felt "mentally exhausted" when I was at some party.
In the last year of HS, my social life wasn't the same as in the first year, but still very good. I didn't get any invites from one of my friend groups, but I still connected with friends from my second group. Mind you - in the first group I had like one very close friend, maybe two not too close friends. The rest were people I knew from school and maybe their SOs, but I didn't talk too much to them. They were a much bigger group and more party-oriented compared to the latter. In the second group I have two close friends, like two or three not-so-close, and the rest of the group was their friends or SOs. So we weren't always meeting at parties, actually going out for a beer or smoking weed was more common. But I still enjoyed that and wouldn't really say it was worse (often even better).
I probably sound like a normie - well, I'm 100% certain I am a normie - at least in the looks and height department.
Now, how has my imagination of a happy life changed? Well - having a girlfriend slowly became a priority, or should I say - someone I'll never have and that's why right now I am demotivated and completely cannot focus on other aspects of my life.
I feel like the need of being in a relationship has always been inside me, but I've always thought that I am not enough, I am boring, I'd make a bad first impression due to my social anxiety and boring personality, and her and me will soon become uninterested. I'm pretty certain that this loss of interest happened at least once (yeah, I think I had a chance with a girl, she even took the initiative), but even if it didn't, I'd still think that I am not ready for a relationship due to the reasons I mentioned earlier. It didn't matter if I felt something for the girl, I'd still push the idea of being with her to the back of my mind and tell myself I don't need a girlfriend to be happy.
Since the end of 2020, I started daydreaming about having a relationship more and more often. I really cannot explain why - maybe I was holding it in for way too long, I can't really say. As I mentioned earlier, my last 2 years of HS were spent in a vegetative state. From the end of 2020 until the end of HS (May 2021) I would alternate between procrastinating and dreaming about a relationship. Mind you, this was still a time when I could focus on something, at least something different than school and do it, if it wasn't for my procrastination. I kinda wanted to get into creating music back then and actually would do something in that direction, only to quit soon. This has happened a few more times during that period. But there were days when I could say that I didn't waste them and actually improved myself, and, while actually doing my hobby, I didn't feel sad, depressed and empty.
Ok. After HS ended, I got depressed even more, due to me being worried about my future and not having any plans for my future career. I actually started to think if there's anything that I would at least moderately enjoy and push it to be my job. Then I remembered I tried a bit of programming earlier in HS. Well, I tried to get into it again - and this time I liked it even more than before. My hopes went up a lot - even though I was predicting my scores from final exams not to be great, I still should manage to get in a decent university, study IT and do more programming at home, myself. I've also thought about doing at least a little bit of some physical activity everyday - as I would be sitting in front of the computer all day. The goal was to lower the probability of headaches (which would typically ruin the rest of my day if I got one) and overall feel a little bit better. So I started doing some basic exercises at home that would be more exhausting, like pushups, squats, lunges, abs exercises, just to get the blood flowing. Besides school and programming, I decided I am still going to pursue my hobby of creating music. I've bought myself a decent pair of studio headphones and a MIDI controller to learn piano. I have also started going to a driving school to obtain a driver's license, but I wasn't enthusiastic about that. It felt more like a necessity, compared to other things. All those plans were made in like the middle of June. The semester would start on October.
How did the realisation of those plans go until October? Not too well, but not too bad either. I was programming on and off - sometimes I would spend a good chunk of a day on it, sometimes just a little, sometimes I wouldn't program at all. The scores of final exams came in, and I scored enough points to qualify for the university I applied to. Regarding my music hobby - it was much worse, I stopped doing that and mainly focused on programming, although I didn't really feel guilty about it and promised to myself that I would continue doing it in the future. My driving practice wasn't going good, too - worse than average, in my opinion. I've never driven a car before, so it was a steep learning curve. My confidence in it was really low. Even though I tried to fight it, I was very tense during the practice drives. On the other hands, my exercises actually turned into full home workouts - I've incorporated more exercises for specific body parts and was actually training my whole body. I trained every day, I don't really remember skipping even one workout, to be honest. I've started to see muscle growth.
Although, during the June-October period, the reason for me not sticking to everything I have planned, changed a lot. In June it was like 80% procrastination and 20% daydreaming about a relationship, by the start of October, it was more like 80% daydreaming about having a gf, and 20% procrastination. Basically, I could focus less and less on the goals I've set myself. Even if I was doing something, like programming or improving my musical skills, the fantasy of having a SO could kick in at any moment and I'd spend the rest of the day, fantasizing. Mind you, the feelings about my fantasies during that period were positive, in the sense that I imagined doing cool things together, talking and laughing, cuddling, supporting and cheering each other, and it all felt so awesome and achievable relatively soon, even though in reality I basically have no chance for that. Why? We will get to that in a while, but you probably can guess that already.
Alright, it's October. The semester starts. To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting - I didn't study almost at all - just for one exam in November that I somehow passed. And all the final exams that are going to decide whether or not I qualify for the next semester are going to take place in January 2022. By now I have fallen behind by A LOT. I gradually started to get lost in the material - I basically wouldn't know what's happening while at a lesson.
Regarding programming at home, at first I was doing pretty fine - my work was rather consistent, I was enjoying what I was doing, well, until the relationship fantasies became even bigger.
About my music hobby - I restarted it, but abandoned it pretty quickly too. Also due to the gf fantasies.
I stopped my driving lessons the moment I started the semester - it wasn't as much as due to the fantasies, but rather my low confidence in my driving skills.
The only thing I managed to stick to from October until like the middle of December was working out. I'd say I maybe missed like 4 days at most. Those four days were closer to the end of that period tho.
During the Oct-Dec period, my fantasies got even bigger, and one major thing started to change in them - I was slowly realising I don't have a chance for a gf, so the fantasising itself would be getting more and more depressive with time. So like the fantasies that would randomly kick in would lead to me stopping what I was doing. I'd feel something similar to a void that cannot be filled, I'd get "paralysed" and basically do nothing (ofc besides the fantasizing) because of my mood. I was feeling nostalgic for something I've never experienced. Besides stopping pursuing all of the goals I've mentioned, I've started to have problems with my workouts. See, I cannot train when I'm in a bad mood. I tried a few times, but while doing some exercises I'd instantly get a feeling of hopelessness and stop the workout. It wasn't too much of a problem at the start, because my mood during the day could change, so I'd just do the workout during the good mood period. But over time, the bad mood has taken completely over me and in the middle of December I completely stopped working out. As of today, I am pretty close to failing the semester - I'm so far behind it would be really hard to catch up with everything, especially with my depression and constant, depressive fantasies. Every morning I wake up with a bad mood, hopeless, during the day and at night I fantasize or just lay down and feel like shit, and that's how my days pass right now. I'm unable to enjoy myself, I completely stopped playing video games and watching movies/tv series, sometimes I'll just laugh at a meme, and that's basically it.
Finally, let's get to why I have no chance for a gf, even though I'd love to have her.
I just have no opportunities to meet girls. And that won't change. Why?
Let's see. I'm not invited to parties from one of my friends groups anymore, and there usually was a high percentage of girls (even though quite a lot of them were in relationships), but single ones were there too. My second friend group is heavily male-dominated, the only girls would basically be their SOs, there were very few occasions when there was a single girl present.
About my social life at the university - well, I only talk to one person. And it's not frequent, since we're only able to talk on English classes - he's from a different student group and we just happen to be in the same English class. And we're not even at a stage when one of us would be comfortale to e.g. propose going for a beer after the classes. So in my student group, I don't talk to nobody. And all the friend groups have already formed, so I really can't do anything. My social anxiety and introversion wouldn't let me anyway. I was scared of talking to anybody at the start of the semester and it stayed that way. Since it's IT, it's heavily male-dominated.
Tinder and other dating apps - I've read enough about it to know it's not a good idea (things like average matches for a man vs. a woman, top 10% guys getting 60% of the matches, the design of the app itself making you look for a "perfect" partner forever, not commiting enough to the dates due to having other options at the blink of an eye, the importance of looks being even bigger than in real life, stories of people being ghosted at the last moment, a significant drop in self-confidence after using tinder, a much higher chance of meeting a person that won't be looking for a relationship, and so on and so on). Plus I'd have to take photos of myself which I hate, and, I don't know, the idea of a dating app is just so repulsive to me, like it all becomes so mechanical and automatic. After some tips I've read about dating apps, I feel like I wouldn't be able to feel butterflies and my every move would need to be calculated.
Clubs - not a good idea due to my social anxiety and introversion, plus a low chance of finding someone looking for something serious.
Besides, we both would need to be physically attractive to each other, I would somehow need to fight off my social anxiety in order not to ruin any chances, we would need to get along together well, have similar views on life (or atleast not completely opposite) and on gender norms (equality, everyone pays for himself e.g. in a restaurant, and such), and I don't want a promiscous girl (and I'm not talking about wanting a virgin, I just want someone that treats sex as a deeper form of connection, something special and intimate that they would only do with someone they truly trust and love). So there's a lot of filtering to do. But how can I filter when I have no options?
So yeah. There's one thing I am 99,9% certain I cannot achieve, which stops me from pursuing my other goals, since I want to achieve them all at once at some point. I am really struggling with that thought, it all seems pointless to me. I've thought about it many times and tried to come up with any positive scenarios, but I just couldn't make up something realistic. I've also tried to suppress my need of a relationship and not think about it at all but I failed. It is a need I cannot fulfill.
Why am I writing this? Well, I wanted to vent, but perhaps I'm not seeing something. I'd appreciate some fresh eyes on my case, if you somehow managed to read all of this. If there seems to be no way out, that's okay, I think so too and I accepted it.
Thanks.
