My urge to leave is even stronger after having a good day

[tarococo]

Everytime I have a decent day, for example I actually did something fun or have nice conversations with my relatives or friends, there's this one thought crossing my mind: wouldn't this be a nice note to end it on?
The thought of leaving is so deeply ingrained in my mind, its always present, even when I feel seen and loved.

I've been hurt and disappointed so many times throughout my life, I've been backstabbed by the people I love the most. So everytime I feel like things are going alright I fear that it's just temporarily, like I'd miss a chance to leave while I'm on good terms with everyone if I keep staying.
It just hurts so much, I think about leaving when I'm miserable, and I still think about leaving when I'm okay for once.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Everytime I have a decent day, for example I actually did something fun or have nice conversations with my relatives or friends, there's this one thought crossing my mind: wouldn't this be a nice note to end it on?
The thought of leaving is so deeply ingrained in my mind, its always present, even when I feel seen and loved.

I've been hurt and disappointed so many times throughout my life, I've been backstabbed by the people I love the most. So everytime I feel like things are going alright I fear that it's just temporarily, like I'd miss a chance to leave while I'm on good terms with everyone if I keep staying.
It just hurts so much, I think about leaving when I'm miserable, and I still think about leaving when I'm okay for once.

Good call. i'd want to quit while I was ahead too.

 

[Abyssal]

I relate. The knowledge that it'll get worse again is my driving force to ctb, because no matter how much good occurs I know it's only temporary. I think most people view it the opposite, that all bad things are temporary, and that's not wrong either. All a matter of perspective I guess.

 

[tarococo]

I relate. The knowledge that it'll get worse again is my driving force to ctb, because no matter how much good occurs I know it's only temporary. I think most people view it the opposite, that all bad things are temporary, and that's not wrong either. All a matter of perspective I guess.

Well said, it definitely depends on your perspective on life in general.. I guess I'm just constantly scared of getting hurt again, so I totally relate

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Yeah I understand. I had a wonderful day two days ago. I want to go with that feeling.

 

[Celerity]

I understand. This past year has kind of been a roller coaster for me. There were some really terrible moments and some good ones. I keep returning to that infantile hope that I will just die suddenly in a freak accident or something and not have to deal with what may or may not happen next.

 

[Neverfeltdeader]

I can relate to this so much. I can't stop thinking about kms no matter how good my day was. There's nothing that will change my mind and I worry so much that one day all I have right now is going to be taken away, and I can't stand thinking about things falling apart. I don't want to wait around and find out how bad life is going to get. I also don't want to get older and watch more people die before me. I want to end things while they're still good. End things on a good note rather than when I have no choice.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

I understand that.

 

[tarococo]

I can relate to this so much. I can't stop thinking about kms no matter how good my day was. There's nothing that will change my mind and I worry so much that one day all I have right now is going to be taken away, and I can't stand thinking about things falling apart. I don't want to wait around and find out how bad life is going to get. I also don't want to get older and watch more people die before me. I want to end things while they're still good. End things on a good note rather than when I have no choice.

Wow, this hit me because of how much I see myself in this. Especially the "wait around and find out how bad life is going to get", I'm in constant fear of losing the last few things I care about, and the thought of leaving on a good note brings me comfort.

And I totally agree! c: It feels so different being able to actually think about doing it rationally and without feeling forced to ctb because things are so miserable. (They still are, but I'm sure you know what I mean)

I understand. This past year has kind of been a roller coaster for me. There were some really terrible moments and some good ones. I keep returning to that infantile hope that I will just die suddenly in a freak accident or something and not have to deal with what may or may not happen next.

Oh, I always find myself wishing for these things, for something to just end it for me, always hoped for something as sudden as dying in an accident, so I can relate Not knowing what comes is scary, the thought of regretting that I didn't leave earlier in case things don't improve for me keeps me up at night