JTG1972
Set on my path, just need the strength
- Oct 2, 2019
- 51
It's been a while since I posted here but I have still been lurking as I gave things one last try and sat with my SN to see how I felt about it after some time. I had planned to use it about a month ago but ended up holding back because I know that my death being a blatant suicide would be traumatic (if not unexpected) for my wife.
Since then I have made changes to my plans and set in motion steps to prepare them. I had seen mention of a few methods to induce cardiac arrest, and realized that I would prefer to go out that way, as my weight and general lack of health would easily make dying of heart failure seem normal, and not suicidal. I think my wife would handle the grief of that kind of loss much easier than the grief of knowing I killed myself. SN would be vastly preferable to my new plan, if not for the damned cyanosis.
One method I saw mentioned was Cerberin aka the Suicide Tree or Pong seed. From what I read here it is not pleasant at all, but I have suffered both chronic pain and stomach pain for some years now, and thought I could handle it. I managed to order ten Pong seeds, though one or two were so dried out and dusty that they crumbled when I cracked the husks open. As a test I ground up and ate about a quarter of one. Let me tell you, they do not taste good at all. Almost metallic, like the smell of burning hair turned into a flavor.
Nothing happened for several hours but that night I began to have stomach trouble. No vomiting, no pain, just restless discomfort, gas, burned-hair-scented diarrhea, and a sense of tiredness with some mild flu-like weakness. The effects seemed to lessen after about a day, and the digestive trouble within two days, which is in line with what I've read about the time frame of the effects of Digoxin, which Cerberin is supposed to be like. Obviously I expect a full dosage to be more intense, but hopefully also will hit harder, faster, and lead to cardiac arrest before I have to spend too long in the bathroom.
I have decided to take the full amount (2-3 seeds) in pill form. I have ordered gel capsules to fill with the ground seeds, which should help escape the awful taste. I plan to add at least one dose of scopolamine and of Ibuprofen PM to the mix. Using Digoxin as a reference point for Cerberin to check drug interactions, the combination should cause increased drowsiness, reduce chances of vomiting/diarrhea, and most importantly increase the risk of slow and irregular heartbeat. Ideally I will fall asleep before the Cerberin hits (Ibuprofen PM usually has me out within an hour of taking it alone) and have a nice quiet cardiac arrest.
At this point the only thing I am waiting on is the delivery of the scopolamine. It should be here next week. I know there are easier and more painless methods, but if this works, it should look like natural causes. Sudden cardiac arrest kills over 200,000 Americans each year, and is different from a heart attack. Cardiac arrest usually kills within 6-8 minutes unless CPR/an electric shock is administered, and even then, the chances of death rise by about 10% for every minute before treatment is begun. I am out of shape, overweight, nearly 50, I have untreated sleep apnea, have had heart trouble before, and I smoke (weed). No one will look at my having a cardiac arrest and think a single thing of it except "that makes sense". And even if they look closer, Cerberin is apparently essentially unknown in the western world, and requires very specific tests to find. At most they will find the scopolamine and the ibuprofen—both of which are not unusual at all to find if someone has a history of headaches/migraines/indigestion.
I can handle a day or two more of misery and pain if I have to. It's worth it to make it look like nature and not me finally giving up. When the time comes I will try to track what I am feeling and how fast things happen, but honestly I expect to be unconscious for it if I can. Obviously it's not quite time yet, but I can't help but feel content, even almost excited about my plans and want to share with the only people who would understand my thinking.
Since then I have made changes to my plans and set in motion steps to prepare them. I had seen mention of a few methods to induce cardiac arrest, and realized that I would prefer to go out that way, as my weight and general lack of health would easily make dying of heart failure seem normal, and not suicidal. I think my wife would handle the grief of that kind of loss much easier than the grief of knowing I killed myself. SN would be vastly preferable to my new plan, if not for the damned cyanosis.
One method I saw mentioned was Cerberin aka the Suicide Tree or Pong seed. From what I read here it is not pleasant at all, but I have suffered both chronic pain and stomach pain for some years now, and thought I could handle it. I managed to order ten Pong seeds, though one or two were so dried out and dusty that they crumbled when I cracked the husks open. As a test I ground up and ate about a quarter of one. Let me tell you, they do not taste good at all. Almost metallic, like the smell of burning hair turned into a flavor.
Nothing happened for several hours but that night I began to have stomach trouble. No vomiting, no pain, just restless discomfort, gas, burned-hair-scented diarrhea, and a sense of tiredness with some mild flu-like weakness. The effects seemed to lessen after about a day, and the digestive trouble within two days, which is in line with what I've read about the time frame of the effects of Digoxin, which Cerberin is supposed to be like. Obviously I expect a full dosage to be more intense, but hopefully also will hit harder, faster, and lead to cardiac arrest before I have to spend too long in the bathroom.
I have decided to take the full amount (2-3 seeds) in pill form. I have ordered gel capsules to fill with the ground seeds, which should help escape the awful taste. I plan to add at least one dose of scopolamine and of Ibuprofen PM to the mix. Using Digoxin as a reference point for Cerberin to check drug interactions, the combination should cause increased drowsiness, reduce chances of vomiting/diarrhea, and most importantly increase the risk of slow and irregular heartbeat. Ideally I will fall asleep before the Cerberin hits (Ibuprofen PM usually has me out within an hour of taking it alone) and have a nice quiet cardiac arrest.
At this point the only thing I am waiting on is the delivery of the scopolamine. It should be here next week. I know there are easier and more painless methods, but if this works, it should look like natural causes. Sudden cardiac arrest kills over 200,000 Americans each year, and is different from a heart attack. Cardiac arrest usually kills within 6-8 minutes unless CPR/an electric shock is administered, and even then, the chances of death rise by about 10% for every minute before treatment is begun. I am out of shape, overweight, nearly 50, I have untreated sleep apnea, have had heart trouble before, and I smoke (weed). No one will look at my having a cardiac arrest and think a single thing of it except "that makes sense". And even if they look closer, Cerberin is apparently essentially unknown in the western world, and requires very specific tests to find. At most they will find the scopolamine and the ibuprofen—both of which are not unusual at all to find if someone has a history of headaches/migraines/indigestion.
I can handle a day or two more of misery and pain if I have to. It's worth it to make it look like nature and not me finally giving up. When the time comes I will try to track what I am feeling and how fast things happen, but honestly I expect to be unconscious for it if I can. Obviously it's not quite time yet, but I can't help but feel content, even almost excited about my plans and want to share with the only people who would understand my thinking.
