My Time is Upon Me

[glittergore]

I've been thinking a lot these past few days and believe it's my time to die. My life isn't hopeless, but it's not enough. Even if I am able to go through the arduous process of finding ways to support myself, I will be left with little reward. It's like a beast fighting through a string of more powerful, more fearsome beasts to try to procure food only to find a meaningless morsel at the end. It's no life. In that way, it feels like I'm not killing myself, but biologically ending what's already dead. This will probably be the greatest act of self-care in my life, which is intensely ironic, but much of my life has been that way, so it fits. There's been many times in my life that I've wanted to die, and even some times where I thought I had to die, but this is the first time that death feels right to me. This does not bring the sense of peace I was expecting, more so a sense of something between relief and resignation.

Anyway, I'm not doing this tonight. I was going to, but I do think it would be to my family and friend's benefit if I stuck around for another day to write custom suicide notes and tie up some loose ends. I'll take my plethora of books to the library for donation; we're in the middle of a move right now, so all my other stuff is conveniently packed up for my family to do what they want with. I'll close down my bank account and transfer the paltry amount in there to one of my friends. I thought I would want to go on some grand excursion the day of my death, but now I just want to drive around, say goodbye to some things, have my favorite drink at Starbucks, journal, and watch the moon and stars for a few hours before driving somewhere near but far to do the deed.

I want to thank this community for their endless support and insight. I've been able to show a dark, tender underbelly here that I seldom get to show anywhere and I'm immensely grateful for it. I hope you're all able to find some peace. I'll update this post right before I'm about to CTB and if I disappear for several days after, you all will know what occurred. Hopefully some cruel twist of entropy won't lead me to being found and put in a psych ward. We'll have to see, I guess.

 

[RedDEE]

It feels like I'm not killing myself, but biologically ending what's already dead

Bingo! We are dead. This is not life we are living. We are the walking dead. We are fucking zombies. We're all monsters, and we'll all evil. But we're all beautiful.

 

[glittergore]

Waking up on the final day feels surreal. It's like I'm in a hyperrealistic dream.

 

[ExitStageLeft]

Godspeed, and good luck.

 

[Ulisses]

I wish you luck on your journey.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Good luck with everything and I'm sorry that it's come to this. I hope whatever your method, its peaceful as can be and swift. Sending love and light

 

[AlreadyGone]

Good luck

 

[TAW122]

I feel similarly too. I feel like in the last decade, I've mostly just been coping and existing, with seldom periods of joy only to be fleeting. In the end, I too, would still die by my own hand (assuming I don't die of other causes beforehand). I hope you have a comfortable interim and also when peace when your time comes.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i hope everything goes well, and that you find peace. i'm sorry life has pushed you this far.

 

[Sinai Silence]

Best of luck, I hope you have a peaceful journey when you go

 

[NoneMoreNegative]

Wish you a peaceful and painless exit.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

You are a very good writer. I'm sorry your life is so bad that you want to CTB. I wish you peace.

 

[Meditation guide]

Unusually great writing. It makes it all the more sad for me. It's so rare to run across on a forum. I hope you let us know more about what you are doing and when you are going.

 

[glittergore]

Well, I got a completely unexpected bomb dropped on me today that made me profoundly reconsider my choice to commit suicide, something that could potentially change my life in a way I never thought possible. If I believed in a higher power, I'd say it was cosmic intervention, as arrogant and self-centered as that sounds. I'll give life one more chance. I apologize for the false alarm.

 

[Lone_Gray_Wolf]

Well, I got a completely unexpected bomb dropped on me today that made me profoundly reconsider my choice to commit suicide, something that could potentially change my life in a way I never thought possible. If I believed in a higher power, I'd say it was cosmic intervention, as arrogant and self-centered as that sounds. I'll give life one more chance. I apologize for the false alarm.

Glad to read that friend. Then seems like life gave u another opportunity and you have her another chance. There's still hope for you.


Embrace that opportunity and save yourself.

 

[rt1989526]

Well, I got a completely unexpected bomb dropped on me today that made me profoundly reconsider my choice to commit suicide, something that could potentially change my life in a way I never thought possible. If I believed in a higher power, I'd say it was cosmic intervention, as arrogant and self-centered as that sounds. I'll give life one more chance. I apologize for the false alarm.

That's awesome. Seize the opportunity !