Venting My time is now here

[EveryBreathIsWar]

I'm hoping to ctb tomorrow night by full suspension hanging in quite a big woodland area that's very quiet at night and no one goes to. The reason I've mentioned tomorrow night and full suspension over partial is because tomorrow marks the 1st year without my best friend I lost on the 19th of January 2019 and I'm planning on visiting his grave tomorrow daytime and going to talk to him and spend some time with him and leave some roses on his grave and we use to always have sausage and chips when we were out from the food shack so on my way back I'm going to get some sausage and chips and feed the seagulls like he always use to do and I use to tell him off because they would be crapping over the people around us within 20 minutes aha. I've tried relentlessly with partial hanging however my SI always overcomes me and last minute before I'm about to pass out which happens very peacefully in seconds I can't help but just stop and then question why and reattempt I've been doing this on and off for countless times over the years that I think I may have done something to my head as every now and then if I really fight it I can control it but I have periods of losing muscle control like cataplexy and unresponsive micro sleeps for a few seconds to maybe a minute and my left eye will close up and jaw open and will go so pale that I look dead which I can only put down to alot of partial hanging attempts in the past so that's why now I need to do something that I can't change my mind with and once it's done then it's done otherwise I will most likely soon be severely mentally incapacitated that I'm unable to physically ctb by myself. I know exactly how to go about doing it and tomorrow night has been pre meditated for some time now as I can't think of a better time to do it rather than tomorrow or my birthday in March. I hope all goes well tomorrow night but my parents are going on a cruise that's non refundable on February the 6th with my older brother who's getting married and I'm quite concerned me going could jeopardise everything for them so I'm feeling really ridden with guilt. I really want to thank this whole community for everything they have done for me and maybe not now but will see you all soon somewhere else but in a better place I hope. If I don't i will post something tomorrow night to prevent losing my account and to keep everyone updated. All the best, EBIW. <3

 

[MysticPerception]

Good luck, full suspension takes a lot of courage so I commend you on that. I hope you find peace and can see your friend again if there is an afterlife.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Good luck, go peacefully and quickly. We are here for you to support you, whatever you decide to do

 

[scorpiooo2]

I wish you luck, I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[Squiddy]

Good luck. I wish you peace

 

[Jean4]

We are here for you should you need us. Know that you aren't alone. Sending you lots of love and light.

 

[Quarky00]

we use to always have sausage and chips when we were out from the food shack so on my way back I'm going to get some sausage and chips and feed the seagulls like he always use to do and I use to tell him off because they would be crapping over the people around us within 20 minutes aha.

That was a really lovely memory and tribute. It was touching.

You are very caring, and nice of you to think about your family. I hope your day will be peaceful, and same for any thing you do

 

[Skyview]

Roses are a beautiful gesture , wishing you tranquility in moving forward though we are here for you as always .

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Wishing you peace!

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I hope all goes well tomorrow night but my parents are going on a cruise that's non refundable on February the 6th with my older brother who's getting married and I'm quite concerned me going could jeopardise everything for them so I'm feeling really ridden with guilt.

By the time you CTB, these thoughts and anxieties will fade into nothing. Hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[TAW122]

I hope you find the peace you are looking for @EveryBreathIsWar.

 

[TheEndof]

Godspeed, my friend.

 

[Broken Chimera]

That's a beautiful gesture to give your friend roses before you start. I hope you find peace.

 

[passenger27]

Wishing you luck and a peaceful transition.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I wish you tranquility in whatever you decide to do.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I am wishing you peace

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry for all your pain. I hope you find peace.

 

[MsMaudlin]

Sending you lots of strength for a gentle journey to the next world.
Holding you in my thoughts.
Peace and love ❤

 

[NonsenseTrash]

Good luck! I am wishing you peace in yout journey!

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I wish you peace and we are here if you need us, no matter what. Sending you peace, love, hugs, and light.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm sorry for your pain. Why are you doing this, is it because of losing your friend?

 

[charlottewilts]

that is truly a beautiful gesture you'll be giving your friend. i am sorry you've lost him. if you change your mind, we'll be here for you. i hope you'll be able to choose what you want to do calmly and rationally, without being clouded by emotions. best of luck to you, comrade.

 

[EveryBreathIsWar]

Appreciated, I've been battling with quite bad depression and anxiety for over 9 years now until a couple of years ago I started to lose hope and the hope is now diminished as first hand experience with Citalopram and Sertraline has been slightly benificial however after about a year being on the medication your then recommended to start tapering off gradually and I have with both of these and within about 2 weeks or so you realise your starting to be like your were before you started the medication again and the reality of it is that anti depressants are like any other drug out there, they are only beneficial for as long as they are in your system so in the long term they are pointless and give users a false sense of hope during the period they are on them. I've read many articles of there not being a cure ect. I've wasted 9 years being a victim to my own mind with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphic issues, self mutilation, trichotilomania which is linked to ocd and just overall emotional instability but just always being confined to the four walls as my only comfort zone nothing has changed over the years and if not just got worse and since losing my best friend it's still feels like a massive gap from me is missing and it kills but I'd just be staying for further torture of my own mind to continue and I see that as setting my self up by staying so going is the only option.. Growing up, I've never settled down, always been between schools ect and of course the crap that comes with being the new kid, had periods of prolonged mental and physical abuse. Been with a girl I loved sincerely to the moon and back to go and cheat on me with 2-3 guys over one weekend.. and for 6 years since I officially broke up with her I've never wanted or been interested in another girlfriend ect or relationships or kids I haven't even thought about. I know every girl is not like she was but its the paranoia of repeating history again and safeguarding myself so I just keep myself to myself really. This is just a little bit of some story but I've really got to go out now and ctb. If all goes to plan than it was comforting to know my last digital message went out to people who are like minded or in simular positions or illnesses and I apprehend all of you individually for fighting and coming together as one within this compassionate community. All the best everyone and thanks again for just simply being there ect. Bye, EBIW.

 

[EveryBreathIsWar]

Update, still here unfortunately :( Went into the woods and attached the rope via slipknot to a tree which was by a steep embankment and put the noose round my neck again by slipknot which was oiled and slowly stepped down the embankment until I was under my full body weight and in that moment for a couple of seconds it was agonising and I just starting jerking backwards and forwards and just stuck my foot out to reach the top of the embankment which wasn't me but my SI. It was beyond my control which I now why I am drawing a line under this method for me to ctb as my SI is ridiculously stupid with this particular method. Eyes have been all bloodshot for a couple of hours now and just feel completely spaced out and the way this is going I'm going to fully incapacitate myself if I haven't done further damage already after tonight on top of pre existing damage. Last time my symptoms started showing a week after the occurrence so only time will tell I guess.. I'm so disappointed in myself, I stopped as I was driving down the mud road leading upto it as I was leaving and just broke down in tears and i keep telling myself that I must do this ect and got that emotionally worked up that it felt like a pit in my stomach where you feel like your going to throw up. I'm really hating myself, I'm such a failure, pathetic, waste of space. I honestly feel like Im not worthy to even breathe the same air as everyone else. I'm drawing a line with this method and now considering c02 to ctb with as regardless of SI this would be achievable wouldn't it without SI stopping you? Feel like an absolute failure :(

 

[Jean4]

Update, still here unfortunately :( Went into the woods and attached the rope via slipknot to a tree which was by a steep embankment and put the noose round my neck again by slipknot which was oiled and slowly stepped down the embankment until I was under my full body weight and in that moment for a couple of seconds it was agonising and I just starting jerking backwards and forwards and just stuck my foot out to reach the top of the embankment which wasn't me but my SI. It was beyond my control which I now why I am drawing a line under this method for me to ctb as my SI is ridiculously stupid with this particular method. Eyes have been all bloodshot for a couple of hours now and just feel completely spaced out and the way this is going I'm going to fully incapacitate myself if I haven't done further damage already after tonight on top of pre existing damage. Last time my symptoms started showing a week after the occurrence so only time will tell I guess.. I'm so disappointed in myself, I stopped as I was driving down the mud road leading upto it as I was leaving and just broke down in tears and i keep telling myself that I must do this ect and got that emotionally worked up that it felt like a pit in my stomach where you feel like your going to throw up. I'm really hating myself, I'm such a failure, pathetic, waste of space. I honestly feel like Im not worthy to even breathe the same air as everyone else. I'm drawing a line with this method and now considering c02 to ctb with as regardless of SI this would be achievable wouldn't it without SI stopping you? Feel like an absolute failure :(

First, I want you to know, I came to your post to see if there was an update. Why? Because I was thinking about you. I remember you from yesterday. I came here today to check on you, because you matter to me.

You made such an impression on me, that the first time I read your post, I cared about you. So yes. You are worth breathing the same air.

You are not a failure. Something you tried didn't work out. That isn't a failure.

Right now, take some time to calm down and you just went through a traumatic event.

The worse thing you can do is try something without preparation. Please take time to research and prepare. I don't want you to cause more damage to yourself.

Remember. We are here for you. You matter, and we care.

 

[Time]

Try to not beat yourself up, EveryBreathIsWar. I don't think that you're worthless or a failure. I guess it's just not your time. Try to take it easy, we're here for you.

 

[Skyview]

As @Jean4 stated , you tried something and it didn't work out . Don't beat yourself up about it instead let out a gazillion expletives and get it off your chest . Shit happens , and you're certainly not alone .

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you. As far as CO2 is concerned, I think you mean CO (Carbon Monoxide) as CO2 (Carbon Dioxide) would cause your SI to react fiercely as it triggers the hypercapnic response. Anyways, I hope you are able to find the right information and achieve peace in the future.

 

[purplemoon]

Update, still here unfortunately :( Went into the woods and attached the rope via slipknot to a tree which was by a steep embankment and put the noose round my neck again by slipknot which was oiled and slowly stepped down the embankment until I was under my full body weight and in that moment for a couple of seconds it was agonising and I just starting jerking backwards and forwards and just stuck my foot out to reach the top of the embankment which wasn't me but my SI. It was beyond my control which I now why I am drawing a line under this method for me to ctb as my SI is ridiculously stupid with this particular method. Eyes have been all bloodshot for a couple of hours now and just feel completely spaced out and the way this is going I'm going to fully incapacitate myself if I haven't done further damage already after tonight on top of pre existing damage. Last time my symptoms started showing a week after the occurrence so only time will tell I guess.. I'm so disappointed in myself, I stopped as I was driving down the mud road leading upto it as I was leaving and just broke down in tears and i keep telling myself that I must do this ect and got that emotionally worked up that it felt like a pit in my stomach where you feel like your going to throw up. I'm really hating myself, I'm such a failure, pathetic, waste of space. I honestly feel like Im not worthy to even breathe the same air as everyone else. I'm drawing a line with this method and now considering c02 to ctb with as regardless of SI this would be achievable wouldn't it without SI stopping you? Feel like an absolute failure :(

You are so NOT a failure, that entire experience must have been extremely stressful. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

The forest is not the easiest place to ctb for anyone. There are also wild animals that could injure you.

So regardless, it's not about failure, it's about finding whatever works best for you individually, whether you ctb or try to recover. Please don't add to your already overwhelmed body & mind extra stress. You just went through something extremely serious, I think you should do something that gives you comfort, just don't try to figure it out for a few days or so, just help yourself feel more relaxed?

Maybe tell yourself you don't have to decide right now, and that for now, all you know is you're going to get a big bowl of chocolate ice cream or something.

**Hug**

 

[MsMaudlin]

Gosh, that must have been really terrifying for you.
Don't feel guilty, take time to regroup and think logically.
We are always here.

Love and peace ❤