Help My Suicide Video - should I watch it?

[Amz_Falls]

Just after some advice..
Those who remember I posted about having jumped off a bridge onto the motorway. It was 5 months ago and I'm still in hospital.
My question is, I had one of the police officers (he visits regularly) come and see me today and he told me the whole thing from me jumping until I get loaded into the air ambulance has been recorded on lots of officers body cams. Should I watch it or not?

 

[wendydong1]

That's a tough decision...
But how are you physically?

 

[Sever]

Can you post it here?

 

[Amz_Falls]

That's a tough decision...
But how are you physically?

I know I just don't know what to do.
Physically not good at all..spent 15 days on life support and have
Broken Legs
Broken Ankles
Broken left Femur shaft
Broken left Femoral joint
Burst L2 unstable fracture of my Spine
L5 transverse unstable fracture
Complex unstable Pelvis fractures
Complex Sacral fractures leaving me with life changing nerve damage
Pneumothorax
Lacerated Spleen
Lacerated Stomach
Traumatic Pancreatitis

I'm ruined

Can you post it here?

I can't and if I couldn't I wouldn't I'm afraid. It's extremely personal and is also in the hands of the police.

 

[Dutch]

Can you give us atleast a link to the news page about it? (about your suicide attempt)

 

[wendydong1]

Omg, that's a long list of problems.

Do you plan on try again with a different method?

 

[arelia]

Unless you want to improve your technique I'd say no. Simply because you can't unsee it and my feeling is it will add to your trauma without any positive gain. I'd speak to professionals (doctor, psych, nurse) and ask them if they've ever come across someone who's had the offer before and who's watched one and what kind of reactions they had.
the hoarder in me says yes to having a copy but not to watch it (if that makes sense).

 

[Blackjack]

Can you post it here?

What is wrong with you? Such an insensitive thing to say.

 

[Juicebox]

I probably would, just to see what happened and how I could prevent it from happening in the future

I wouldn't recommend it if you have PTSD-type ailments though

 

[Amz_Falls]

Can you give us atleast a link to the news page about it? (about your suicide attempt)

I'm not going to I'm afraid. I did an original post on here going into a lot more detail about it but then freaked out that someone would find out it was me and know I'm on this website. There was about 5 or 6 articles and I live somewhere where nothing like that had happened before.

 

[Donewith_]

I am really sorry to hear that.. i hope you can get better soon..
I agree with @arelia.. you can't unsee it, and it can be traumatic depending on how you take it.. and yeah..its really a good idea to take opinions from doctors about this.
Or may be.. you can avoid it for now..and think about it when you get a bit better.

 

[Amz_Falls]

I probably would, just to see what happened and how I could prevent it from happening in the future

I wouldn't recommend it if you have PTSD-type ailments though

Thanks, yes that's where I'm torn, suffering massive PTSD and flashbacks. I am screaming in pain in my sleep apparently from when I landed. I don't know if would help by giving me clarity on what happened or make it worse seeing myself like that

I am really sorry to hear that.. i hope you can get better soon..
I agree with @arelia.. you can't unsee it, and it can be traumatic depending on how you take it.. and yeah..its really a good idea to take opinions from doctors about this.
Or may be.. you can avoid it for now..and think about it when you get a bit better.

Thank you. I do agree but then I've got like this morbid curiosity if that makes sense?

 

[arelia]

Thanks, yes that's where I'm torn, suffering massive PTSD and flashbacks. I am screaming in pain in my sleep apparently from when I landed. I don't know if would help by giving me clarity on what happened or make it worse seeing myself like that

Thank you. I do agree but then I've got like this morbid curiosity if that makes sense?

You know yourself and how you'll react better than anyone else but if it were me in your position, I suspect all watching it would do to me would be to add the visual of the jump before the nightmare of the landing. It might help you to detach from it as you'll be watching it as a third party but I'm not convinced your mind won't defy you and turn it into an extended horror movie. Minds are like that, they don't always do what you want them to.

 

[Juicebox]

Thanks, yes that's where I'm torn, suffering massive PTSD and flashbacks. I am screaming in pain in my sleep apparently from when I landed. I don't know if would help by giving me clarity on what happened or make it worse seeing myself like that

Thank you. I do agree but then I've got like this morbid curiosity if that makes sense?

I had similar experiences when I was hospitalized for a motorcycle accident last year. I couldn't sleep, and on the rare occasion that I did, I only dreamt of motorcycle accidents

If this sounds like your situation I would recommend not watching it

 

[calendulo]

Yes, I remember your post, I did read it.
To be honestly I did not answer you because I did knew what to say you, too much war injuries puts together.
First post was harder, but this one new is harder. It is a good question and very difficult to answer it, at least I think so.

I know that is a sad advice and worse contribution to the thread, but it is up to you, depends of yourself and the choice is lead to brave guys and I am not sure to be that.

Just I would wished you the best luck.

 

[Amz_Falls]

I had similar experiences when I was hospitalized for a motorcycle accident last year. I couldn't sleep, and on the rare occasion that I did, I only dreamt of motorcycle accidents

If this sounds like your situation I would recommend not watching it

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's awful I understand. Even if someone says my name I have a flashback to them shouting as I jumped :-(

 

[oopswronglife]

I vote no. Nothing good can come from it. I imagine they want you to be "shocked" somehow and think it will remove the possibility of a future attempt. But all it's going to do is bring up emotions that won't help anything. It's gore porn at this point and that's never good for anyone. Focus on you and healing...not the past.

 

[Amz_Falls]

I vote no. Nothing good can come from it. I imagine they want you to be "shocked" somehow and think it will remove the possibility of a future attempt. But all it's going to do is bring up emotions that won't help anything. It's gore porn at this point and that's never good for anyone. Focus on you and healing...not the past.

Thank you. I can see where you're coming from but don't think it's his intention. He has been a massive support to me and think was just putting the offer out there. Thank you though you are right. Seeing bones and shit sticking out my legs probably isn't a good idea but at the same time I want to know.

I'm so suicidal now but I've broken my boyfriends and family's heart. I don't know if I can do that to them again but I don't want to live in this world anymore. I just can't take this. They've put me on bed watch because I tried to choke myself out with a cable so I have security sat by my bed 24/7.

I want to die so fucking bad. As a little girl I never thought this would be my life right now.

 

[oopswronglife]

I want to die so fucking bad. As a little girl I never thought this would be my life right now.

No you don't...and that's the real crap of it all. You want that pain to stop and that's the only way you believe it can happen. Sometimes people really do reach their limit...if you are flailing around for a way like cables you are clearly at yours. But the thing is that limit isn't a hard line. It's much closer and more fragile when things are already terrible...and since you are still in that state and broken up your limit is much nearer to you. You don't have to of course...its your life...but if you CAN and WILL try to get through this crisis..the limit will back off a bit. Right now your hospitalization and healing is your job. Focus on that. Even if you are intent on dying...you will have a better chance when healed and more independent. Right now its futile and makes things worse. You aren't gonna be any more dead in a week or a month of a year than you would be if you did it today. If that's how the pain has to end it will end...and it won't matter anymore then anyway. So do what you have to do right now...to get past this moment. Then see how the rest is later.

 

[Amz_Falls]

No you don't...and that's the real crap of it all. You want that pain to stop and that's the only way you believe it can happen. Sometimes people really do reach their limit...if you are flailing around for a way like cables you are clearly at yours. But the thing is that limit isn't a hard line. It's much closer and more fragile when things are already terrible...and since you are still in that state and broken up your limit is much nearer to you. You don't have to of course...its your life...but if you CAN and WILL try to get through this crisis..the limit will back off a bit. Right now your hospitalization and healing is your job. Focus on that. Even if you are intent on dying...you will have a better chance when healed and more independent. Right now its futile and makes things worse. You aren't gonna be any more dead in a week or a month of a year than you would be if you did it today. If that's how the pain has to end it will end...and it won't matter anymore then anyway. So do what you have to do right now...to get past this moment. Then see how the rest is later.

I can't take this pain anymore though. Every minute of everyday both physically and mentally. You hear of people who've jumped and survived and are so happy to be alive. Why the fuck can't I be one of those people.
I'm not boasting but I had everything I wanted in life, owned my own house, nice car, loved my job, amazing boyfriend. And I did it even though I had all that. I will probably loose all that now too as I'm not earning while I'm lying in hospital.
How can I stop this pain right now.

 

[oopswronglife]

I can't take this pain anymore though

Right now pain meds and distraction to reduce it is the best option. You also CAN take more than you think. The point you cannot anymore, you won't be thinking or talking here. You will lose it. I'm not saying its easy or you HAVE to suffer it for some greater purpose...just that we are always stronger than we think. I've said I cannot take it another day SOOOOO many days. So if taking it another day...or week...or month....is what you have to do just to get yourself into a position to end things properly then you CAN do that. The hope is somewhere in those days you find a way forward, but either way its beneficial to bide time.

 

[Amz_Falls]

Right now pain meds and distraction to reduce it is the best option. You also CAN take more than you think. The point you cannot anymore, you won't be thinking or talking here. You will lose it. I'm not saying its easy or you HAVE to suffer it for some greater purpose...just that we are always stronger than we think. I've said I cannot take it another day SOOOOO many days. So if taking it another day...or week...or month....is what you have to do just to get yourself into a position to end things properly then you CAN do that. The hope is somewhere in those days you find a way forward, but either way its beneficial to bide time.

My heart and chest just want to explode with pain. I can't CTB with security watching me, I'm trapped in this world. I want to scream so fucking loud but all I can do is lie here filled with tears.

 

[oopswronglife]

I want to scream so fucking loud but all I can do is lie here filled with tears.

Face in pillow, scream. Cry your heart out until you sleep from sheer exhaustion. Ask for sleeping meds even. Do what you have to do. CTB isn't even an option in your condition and location so put it aside for the future if it has to still happen. You are in a crisis...and those take sometime to pass. They are also the worst time to make any plan hopeful or ending.

 

[Jean Améry]

What do you hope to achieve by it? Might be traumatic so I wouldn't advise it but it's your call.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

OMG I'm so sorry you are in such pain, both physically and mentally. I cannot imagine the hurt you are going through. I hope you can feel better in time and find some support.
Jumping is a very risky method and you have to make sure it's very high and you don't go feet first. I was planning on jumping but would have been from around 500ft and gone off backwards, so hopefully landing more head/back first as your upper body is heavier. The action of the sudden stop alone from that height would leave your internal organs very badly damaged and other severe head/body trauma guaranteed to finish the job.
I've actually decided on SN as my first choice now but jumping would be second.

I can't take this pain anymore though. Every minute of everyday both physically and mentally. You hear of people who've jumped and survived and are so happy to be alive. Why the fuck can't I be one of those people.
I'm not boasting but I had everything I wanted in life, owned my own house, nice car, loved my job, amazing boyfriend. And I did it even though I had all that. I will probably loose all that now too as I'm not earning while I'm lying in hospital.
How can I stop this pain right now.

Can I ask what your reason was to want to CTB? You did sound like you had a good life from the outside. But obviously looks can be deceptive.

 

[Amz_Falls]

OMG I'm so sorry you are in such pain, both physically and mentally. I cannot imagine the hurt you are going through. I hope you can feel better in time and find some support.
Jumping is a very risky method and you have to make sure it's very high and you don't go feet first. I was planning on jumping but would have been from around 500ft and gone off backwards, so hopefully landing more head/back first as your upper body is heavier. The action of the sudden stop alone from that height would leave your internal organs very badly damaged and other severe head/body trauma guaranteed to finish the job.
I've actually decided on SN as my first choice now but jumping would be second.

Can I ask what your reason was to want to CTB? You did sound like you had a good life from the outside. But obviously looks can be deceptive.

Thank you. Yes the sudden stop was what caused all my internal organs to rip and bleed. Are you thinking Beachy Head?
I don't know really why I want to CTB but I've been like this since I was 15 and I'm 23 now. I'm so lucky to have what I have in life and be day before I did it one of my work colleagues said she was so jealous of my life. Little did she know what I was going to do that next day.
I had a toxic upbringing with a severely mentally unwell mum so basically brought myself up.
I just hate myself so fucking much. It's hard to describe but I literally just don't want to be alive. I'm so lost and alone right now.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

Thank you. Yes the sudden stop was what caused all my internal organs to rip and bleed. Are you thinking Beachy Head?
I don't know really why I want to CTB but I've been like this since I was 15 and I'm 23 now. I'm so lucky to have what I have in life and be day before I did it one of my work colleagues said she was so jealous of my life. Little did she know what I was going to do that next day.
I had a toxic upbringing with a severely mentally unwell mum so basically brought myself up.
I just hate myself so fucking much. It's hard to describe but I literally just don't want to be alive. I'm so lost and alone right now.

I really feel for you. It must be so difficult to feel that way especially so young. I'm twice your age and have suffered with depression most of my life. I've been married had kids. Divorced and left with crippling debt that will take me until I'm 100 to pay off. Not much left for me here and want out. Just a matter of when and not if.
Yes I have been to BH a couple of years ago. Was planning on jumping but didn't go through with it. It is a certain way to CTB.
Well I'm here if you ever need to talk. PM me or anything. Just proves that we all have our outward facing "good" life but can't lie to ourselves.

 

[wanttodie]

Just after some advice..
Those who remember I posted about having jumped off a bridge onto the motorway. It was 5 months ago and I'm still in hospital.
My question is, I had one of the police officers (he visits regularly) come and see me today and he told me the whole thing from me jumping until I get loaded into the air ambulance has been recorded on lots of officers body cams. Should I watch it or not?

wow sorry

 

[Amz_Falls]

I really feel for you. It must be so difficult to feel that way especially so young. I'm twice your age and have suffered with depression most of my life. I've been married had kids. Divorced and left with crippling debt that will take me until I'm 100 to pay off. Not much left for me here and want out. Just a matter of when and not if.
Yes I have been to BH a couple of years ago. Was planning on jumping but didn't go through with it. It is a certain way to CTB.
Well I'm here if you ever need to talk. PM me or anything. Just proves that we all have our outward facing "good" life but can't lie to ourselves.

Thank you that means a lot. I'm so sorry you are left in these circumstances. I've felt this way for so long too that I don't want to spend another day like it. I can't even explain how much I hurt inside.

 

[a.h]

I feel so sorry for you. Do you get enough pain killers to take the pain away. After my head trauma I got terrible nightmares all night if I didn't take enough pain killers before going to sleep. I didn't have any PTSD. Also if sleeping for long I would get them when the painkiller stopped working.

so sorry

Thanks, yes that's where I'm torn, suffering massive PTSD and flashbacks. I am screaming in pain in my sleep apparently from when I landed. I don't know if would help by giving me clarity on what happened or make it worse seeing myself like that

Thank you. I do agree but then I've got like this morbid curiosity if that makes sense?