bellinda
Member
- May 29, 2023
- 27
Last December 7 I tried to end my life with an overdose. December is coming very soon, and it's been occupying my mind. Feels like an anniversary, feels like I owe it to myself to try to kill myself again. This time I don't have drugs to overdose on, so maybe I'll try to induce some toxicity. Chances are I'll probably be sent to the hospital again and I won't succeed at this, but like why can't it be annual?
It's funny because everyone thinks I've recovered great so far, I been 5 months sober (relapsed today- didn't take my antipsychotics for two days then took a stim to give me a dopamine crash), but I'm finally starting my driving license, I'm finally about to leave the country and start a new beautiful life. Why am I fucking it up like that?
I'm literally juggling between recovery and wanting to improve, and actually finally improving, with a life full of substance and suicide attempts. Why? What's wrong with me?
I just told my partner and it broke his heart and he felt distant from me because he's been struggling too and doing his best to make us workout. But what was I doing? Wondering if I really want to fucking live?
Do I even deserve to be alive? I'm destroying and taking away the most beautiful thing in my life and sabotaging months worth of improvement and development because I can't fucking decide? He been calling for my help and I been too preoccupied to notice. And till now, I'm still cold, I can't feel any emotion, I don't understand why.
December 7 is coming soon, everyone's proud of me. But I'm spiraling. They don't know though. Maybe I should talk about this with my psychologist, I doubt anything will improve though. I'm just selfishly miserable. I ruined my boyfriend's life, I feel horrible about it. I really wish I can show him I love him but I feel so fucking bad for destroying his life. I feel like I don't deserve it. He's doing his best but I keep fucking up.
Don't mind me, I'm just rambling. I'll update later on what I plan to do. I just need to fucking think.
I guess because my death anniversary is coming up, I started obsessing over it. I don't know what's going on.
It's funny because everyone thinks I've recovered great so far, I been 5 months sober (relapsed today- didn't take my antipsychotics for two days then took a stim to give me a dopamine crash), but I'm finally starting my driving license, I'm finally about to leave the country and start a new beautiful life. Why am I fucking it up like that?
I'm literally juggling between recovery and wanting to improve, and actually finally improving, with a life full of substance and suicide attempts. Why? What's wrong with me?
I just told my partner and it broke his heart and he felt distant from me because he's been struggling too and doing his best to make us workout. But what was I doing? Wondering if I really want to fucking live?
Do I even deserve to be alive? I'm destroying and taking away the most beautiful thing in my life and sabotaging months worth of improvement and development because I can't fucking decide? He been calling for my help and I been too preoccupied to notice. And till now, I'm still cold, I can't feel any emotion, I don't understand why.
December 7 is coming soon, everyone's proud of me. But I'm spiraling. They don't know though. Maybe I should talk about this with my psychologist, I doubt anything will improve though. I'm just selfishly miserable. I ruined my boyfriend's life, I feel horrible about it. I really wish I can show him I love him but I feel so fucking bad for destroying his life. I feel like I don't deserve it. He's doing his best but I keep fucking up.
Don't mind me, I'm just rambling. I'll update later on what I plan to do. I just need to fucking think.
I guess because my death anniversary is coming up, I started obsessing over it. I don't know what's going on.
