Venting My suicidal drive much lower now?

[spanishguy22]

I was supposed to ctb soon, but after stopping my sertraline I've been feeling so damn numb. I thought leaving it would improve my suicidal drive but it's the opposite and I'm now frustrated and scared of not being able to overcome SI due to this
I was really confident of being able to push but now im doubting myself and my intellect tells me it's the wrong choice to try and force myself to attempt when the motivation is low.

I really don't want to live and am hopeless but now I feel trapped because I don't feel this crippling sadness that fueled my suicidal drive
Did the ssri remove my emotion?

I'm worried guys

 

[martha]

it surely did...

 

[spanishguy22]

I just realized how much more irritable I've been after coming off Zoloft. I've been posting angrier posts. It seems like it's taken off my sadness too. I hope this goes away soon.

I remember when I joined this forum I was literally craving ctb but now it's not pleasant to think about. This is so frustrating :(

I'm not sure the point of this post. Was venting more than asking I think. Sorry

 

[martha]

I just realized how much more irritable I've been after coming off Zoloft. I've been posting angrier posts. It seems like it's taken off my sadness too. I hope this goes away soon.

I remember when I joined this forum I was literally craving ctb but now it's not pleasant to think about. This is so frustrating :(

I'm not sure the point of this post. Was venting more than asking I think. Sorry

I remember your angry posts very well
u attacked me many times verbally

did u change your avator bc of your change of mood?

 

[21Neberg]

You've got nothing to worry about. If you're anything like me, that sadness will swing back unexpectedly in full force.

 

[PatKat]

I was supposed to ctb soon, but after stopping my sertraline I've been feeling so damn numb. I thought leaving it would improve my suicidal drive but it's the opposite and I'm now frustrated and scared of not being able to overcome SI due to this
I was really confident of being able to push but now im doubting myself and my intellect tells me it's the wrong choice to try and force myself to attempt when the motivation is low.

I really don't want to live and am hopeless but now I feel trapped because I don't feel this crippling sadness that fueled my suicidal drive
Did the ssri remove my emotion?

I'm worried guys

I was forced off all my medications Gedon, Lexapro, Prazosin, Propranolol, Depakote ER, and Trazodone not by choice but it was forced due to doctors wont see me without insurance so I cannot get prescriptions refilled. Coming off all those medications cold turkey 3 months later is still having an effect on me. It is brutal and I cannot go to an ER in fear of the thousands of dollars of bills and they will send me to a state run psychiatric hospital. I would estimate around $8,000 to $10,000 in bill's trying to get $36 in medications doesnt really make sense to get sued again eventually for $10,000 trying to get $36 in medications. The healthcare system is a scam and I can say they honestly do not care about anything except lining their wallets with the disabled persons last but of money. There is no real help with the selfish healthcare system. It's horrible and there is nothing I can do about it. In a way they will be the ones forcing my hand into suicide when it happens again.

 

[Superfluous]

I was forced off all my medications Gedon, Lexapro, Prazosin, Propranolol, Depakote ER, and Trazodone not by choice but it was forced due to doctors wont see me without insurance so I cannot get prescriptions refilled. Coming off all those medications cold turkey 3 months later is still having an effect on me. It is brutal and I cannot go to an ER in fear of the thousands of dollars of bills and they will send me to a state run psychiatric hospital. I would estimate around $8,000 to $10,000 in bill's trying to get $36 in medications doesnt really make sense to get sued again eventually for $10,000 trying to get $36 in medications. The healthcare system is a scam and I can say they honestly do not care about anything except lining their wallets with the disabled persons last but of money. There is no real help with the selfish healthcare system. It's horrible and there is nothing I can do about it. In a way they will be the ones forcing my hand into suicide when it happens again.

That's just inhumane. US?

I remember coming off just one antidepressant in my mid 20s (through choice), and the withdrawal symptoms were very unpleasant. Went back to the doctor and he explained how important it was to ease off them slowly, so put me back on them and reduced the dose gradually. UK NHS.

I cant imagine what you must be going through coming off all of those

 

[PatKat]

That's just inhumane. US?

I remember coming off just one antidepressant in my mid 20s (through choice), and the withdrawal symptoms were very unpleasant. Went back to the doctor and he explained how important it was to ease off them slowly, so put me back on them and reduced the dose gradually. UK NHS.

I cant imagine what you must be going through coming off all of those

Yes the USA noone will help me the only help I receive is here having like minded people to talk to and to vent has kept me pushing on knowing I'm not alone. I live in a garbage country and I have a garbage life. There is no getting better here for me unless laws change. They say they care just to put in the media, but the media is and always has been lies. I dont understand if someone has an animal that is suffering they have the option to euthanize humans do not have that privilege here and if you talk about it they make you sign "safety contracts" and throw you in a hole<psych hospital> and strip your rights. My rights do not exist anymore I cant even purchase a firearm. I do not want to live this way how hard is it to write a script on a pad of paper and give it to me. Not unless you pay first its money here it makes me sick. I volunteer my time at least 10 hours a week on Crisis Text Line because they want help and I understand them. I truly am prochoice and I respect everyone's decision since we are all adults here. I am not a child and I do not like being demonized and treated like one so I feel for everyone suffering this deeply they have the basic human right to make their own decisions period.

P.S. the only way I feel safe is behind a VPN and using Tor also so I know I cant be hunted down and forced against my will to a facility. My VPN payments come before everything. ExpressVPN is great and they have a great special right now 99.50 for 12 months and you get a free 3 months added to it so 15 months. 3 devices are included can be iOS, android, windows, mac, xbox, ps4 it's great and their servers are amazing! Great policy also check them out! They accept BTC and BCH for payment as well to further your anonymity. I know this isnt needed but security to me is number 1. The admins/mods here have our back and would never give us up.

 

[TAW122]

I have times where my suicidal drive has diminished and it is usually after some period of recovery and then sometimes, just being mentally and physically exhausted that I am unable to concentrate on my thoughts. I can't really say that I like being demotivated or losing my drive/fuel towards suicide because it leaves me in limbo.

 

[Tortured_empath]

It dosen't sound nice friend. The way I see it, waiting is not something to worry about. I mean, if you are going to be gone for all of eternity, what does waiting a little extra do? You got off your medication... see what will happen now...

It's frustrating to second guess yourself when you've made up your mind, but this is possibly the most important descision you're going to make in your life, so make it one that you have thought through, back and fourth, a thousand times if you need to.

For me, these feelings ebb and flow, it's a struggle and it's the reason I'm still here... we only have one life after all... it's just sad that we sre forced to spend it in suffering.

 

[spanishguy22]

It dosen't sound nice friend. The way I see it, waiting is not something to worry about. I mean, if you are going to be gone for all of eternity, what does waiting a little extra do? You got off your medication... see what will happen now...

It's frustrating to second guess yourself when you've made up your mind, but this is probably the most inportant descision you're going to make in your life, so make it one that you have thought through, back and fourth, a thousand times if you need to.

For me, these feelings ebb and flow, it's a struggle and it's the reason I'm still here... we only have one life after all... it's just sad that we sre forced to spend it in suffering.

Yeah so true. Everything. The suffering feels so bad though that it's hard to wait. I've given up. I've seen the reality of the state of my brain devastated by chronic depression. I can never be happy like I once was and that's the huge motivator that will always be there for me til I go. So it's not like I don't have some motivation. Just numbed sadness.

I might be slowly gaining it back though. I have had to put it a few days later but I think I have a good chance. I just wish I had mre resolve. I have way too many posts in this forum and I don't intend in reaching more than 1k. that would be a failure in itself.

 

[Tortured_empath]

Yeah so true. Everything. The suffering feels so bad though that it's hard to wait. I've given up. I've seen the reality of the state of my brain devastated by chronic depression. I can never be happy like I once was and that's the huge motivator that will always be there for me til I go. So it's not like I don't have some motivation. Just numbed sadness.

I might be slowly gaining it back though. I have had to put it a few days later but I think I have a good chance. I just wish I had mre resolve. I have way too many posts in this forum and I don't intend in reaching more than 1k. that would be a failure in itself.

I feel you. The hopelessness, the suffering, the numbness...

I can't tell you what's right or wrong for you friend. In the end it's your choice. But I hope you don't feel like this is something you need to rush, or something that is expected of you from anybody, not even yourself... death is final, and it is something we have to face with all our heart, no matter how much back and fourth it takes.

I remember we joined this forum around the same time. I want you to know that I have enjoyed your presence here... I wouldn't mind 300 more posts from you.

 

[spanishguy22]

I feel you. The hopelessness, the suffering, the numbness...

I can't tell you what's right or wrong for you friend. In the end it's your choice. But I hope you don't feel like this is something you need to rush, or something that is expected of you from anybody, not even yourself... death is final, and it is something we have to face with all our heart, no matter how much back and fourth it takes.

I remember we joined this forum around the same time. I want you to know that I have enjoyed your presence here... I wouldn't mind 300 more posts from you.

Thank you, you're a good person. In these circumstances im afraid the quality of my forum content is greatly worse than what normal me would have wanted; its filled with anger and sorrow, and half-assed due to depression.
I always enjoy content from kind hearted people like you as well. I know we will die regarless, but the journey can take a very strong toll depending on its duration. Just hoping it doesnt extend itself much more than this. its been a tough ride.