Venting My stressful pet life

[Cashewmilk]

I started keeping/rescuing small animals a few years ago. I was feeling good that time, a lot better. I had come out of a long strung out 5 years of hell and countless suicide attempts...I guess I was "manic" and took on one hobby after another. I don't want to call my animals hobbies because they are special to me, they are like my kids. But ugh, it's just been horrible, a very traumatic experience. I had a cat before, and after he passed away from old age, I felt empty. I rescued and adopted two pets a year later, small ones, a hedgehog and a hamster. I joined care groups on FB, I was doing the best I could with them, honestly it was better than most people, so many other owners envied my setup and my level of detail with my care, I used to give my hamster a little breakfast platter, I made his food fresh everyday with veggies/fruit and insects/meat. I honestly didn't know what I was getting myself into, I'm an idiot, I never should have gotten them, I have no money, I'm on welfare and I live with my mom. I was doing escorting too but most of it went to my drug habit. I always kept my drug use far away from my animals, always washed my hands before handling them and their food, etc.

I remember the first time my hedgehog threw up infront of me, it was just a few weeks after his adoption. It was truly scary, I was so worried. Of course we went to the vet about it, I also had to cut his nails (I didn't know anything, it was an impulsive decision to get him, he really needed a home), I went to the vet many times just for nail trims, those were sooo stressful, I don't drive either, so I always had to take a cab or get someone else to drive me. I don't know why, but then I decided to get 2 hamsters! One of them died in a horrific way within 2 weeks, her intestines came out of her body, it was so horrifying, she had to be euthanized. The other one was fine, they were separate I'd never keep hamsters together. My other one was wonderful, he was so shy and adorable, and loved everything I did for him. Then his cage got infested with ants.

I probably had to deep clean, freeze all his stuff, and move him from his enclosure about 5 times within 1 year, because of the ant infestation. I finally went insane one day and blocked all the gaps in the room, purchased ant barriers, put sticky fly tape around the table legs, etc. Finally no more ants. Then he started having health issues, one after another, I've been going to the vet at least every 3 months since I got the hedgehog, for both of them. Oh the hedgehog, he has MENTAL ISSUES! He self harms. He cuts himself with his nails on his chest, it's called self-mutilation. And he will run around in circles for 6 hours in complete panic. It is so so stressful, it's happened over 5 times now. I was actually really happy and I loved them so much, but from all the health issues, and other issues, the projects to increase the enclosure size or create more enrichment, I regretted getting caged animals and I made their enclosures the biggest I could, I gave half the master bedroom to the hedgehog, and a 10 foot tank to the hamster, I now no longer support the keeping of these types of animals or the buying of them, rescuing is another story but buying them and breeding them I am now completely against it.

It was just one thing after another, for a while I thought things were going well, then all of a sudden, there's some scary health problem (completely out of my control, people say it "just happens"), I get a major shock after seeing it, it always happens at night because they're more active at night and I check up on them a lot, I go through a major panic attack after dealing with it, then I go tell my family (because one of them will have to drive me and lend me their credit card - and they're getting fed up too), then I call the vet in the morning, and go through the hell of taking them there, it's a bit far too so the drive is always horrible. It's ALWAYS super expensive, I spend hundreds every time, it's 75 bucks just for the visit. I've spent thousands in the past 3 years. After the worst one, when my hamster had a surgery back around Sept, I got extremely depressed again, I just couldn't take it anymore. I came down hard, and I finally opened my eyes and realized my life, I've been depressed ever since, just taking a day at a time.

My hamster passed away in Feb, he died in his sleep, it was peaceful. It was a huge relief, but also extremely sad, I am still sad about it and I miss the little guy a lot. I wish he could have had a few more months, they only live 2 years, he was almost at the 2 year mark. My hedgehog has been okay lately, his last vet visit was back in Nov, he had an anxiety attack/self harming episode, the vet gave us gabapentin, she has never seen a hedgehog like this before with these issues, seriously I haven't found anyone else who's had a hedgie like this. I often wonder if it's because I'm a drug addict, and I'm messing something up and I can't see it? I have been taking methadone and have been somewhat functional throughout all of this, and I'm very careful and clean, there are no drugs anywhere near them.

Ugh, but last night, my hedgehog had blood in his urine. Here we go again. I went through the routine again last night, I saw the bloody urine on the pee pad, I looked at it in horror, I just sat there, couldn't believe this was happening, in shock. He's acting normal, eating and drinking fine, he pee'd again while I watched and it came out clear/yellow...I looked it up and people say it could be a UTI, I seriously thought it was cancer, it still could be, or something else. He's 3 years old now, so he's approaching his senior years, I was thinking, oh god, this is it, I'm gonna lose him. I thought for sure he's dead, I went to check on him and pulled him out of his hide, he was still alive and well, grumpy as usual. He looked completely fine and was acting normal, except he was licking his lips a lot so that's a little worrying. But he ate, and anointed (it's a natural habit hedgehogs do), and he's still OK now the next day. I've been trying to reach the vet but they're busy right now dealing with an emergency. I'm so tired. I was seriously considering re-homing him a few months ago because of my home situation, my family is very abusive towards me, but I decided against it, I don't think anyone could give him the life that I can, in my area, he has everything a pet hedgehog could want, a huge temperature controlled space, tasty fresh food daily, fresh water, 2 expensive special hedgehog wheels, so many toys and hides and things to do, NO handling or human annoyance, he hates being handled and hates "playing", nail trims every 2 months (I do it myself now I finally learned), a quiet dark space.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long, it's just been so stressful. I still don't want to give him up, he's like my child. I also have cats, they're a handful already, I have to take one for a walk outside everyday for up to 3 hours at night, luckily I get paid for it because he's not really my cat he's my sisters, and I'm terrified of losing him, but if we don't take him he cries and scratches at the door non-stop, and cries loud for hours, we're looking into getting a GPS collar, but first we have to test out if he'll tolerate wearing a collar at all, he absolutely hates a harness/leash. I seriously thought my hedgehog was going to die last year, I didn't think he would last this long with all his issues, but he's clearly a little fighter. Ugh, I am not looking forward to another vet visit, another ding to the credit card, I just hope it's something curable like a UTI, and not cancer. He is my biggest reason I haven't gone ahead with any CTB plans, but I'm for sure always suicidal, have been for 15 years, it's something I truly want to accomplish one day finally. No matter what I do in my life, everything always goes horribly wrong, no matter how hard I try. I'm just destined to fail, I've tried to do so many things to better my life, but I always always fail, things are left to collect dust, abandoned, shut out, ignored, quit, etc. I'm so tired :(

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You care for your pets very deeply I can see. We get so attached and it's horrible to see them suffer and to feel the grief when they die.

Do you think you may be addicted to having pets? To fulfill a psychological need?

They can be hard work and need much looking after and certain pets don't live long. Maybe you are taking on too much both practically and emotionally?

I kept lizards, snakes and turtles when I was young, and ofc they died eventually. I researched what they needed and enrichment but with hindsight I didn't always get it right and they may have suffered because of that.
I bought animals and also caught them wild.
As i grew older I came to be against this. They are wild animals and shouldn't be kept in captivity except for breeding endangered species or for rescue animals.
These small pets are not domesticated animals like cats and dogs but belong in the wild.
As such, any attempt to keep them involves extensive research into their behaviour, diet and environment, not to mention the cost. And they are often kept inside and alone which buggers up their natural breeding cycle.
All this can often result in stereotypical behaviour akin to self harm.
And If you lose pets, which you will, not only can that hurt, but also contribute to feeling failure.
Id suggest sticking to rescue animals (then you know you are saving them) and making sure you give them a good environment and diet, as you appear to have done with the hedgehog.
Do the research, it makes it even more fun to keep them then.
But you have to accept that they will sicken and die eventually, as they are wild animals and not meant for captivity (who is?) even if that gives them a better life once rescued.
And I'd go for quality over quantity for fear of out reaching your ability to care for them. I remember I was actually relieved when I let my old slow worms go.

 

[terry_a_davis]

I love animals too op if i was rich i'd buy a big house with huge gardens and have loads of animals probably rescue one's. I can see that you love your little companions, well done and best of luck with them and to you.

 

[Cashewmilk]

You care for your pets very deeply I can see. We get so attached and it's horrible to see them suffer and to feel the grief when they die.

Do you think you may be addicted to having pets? To fulfill a psychological need?

They can be hard work and need much looking after and certain pets don't live long. Maybe you are taking on too much both practically and emotionally?

I kept lizards, snakes and turtles when I was young, and ofc they died eventually. I researched what they needed and enrichment but with hindsight I didn't always get it right and they may have suffered because of that.
I bought animals and also caught them wild.
As i grew older I came to be against this. They are wild animals and shouldn't be kept in captivity except for breeding endangered species or for rescue animals.
These small pets are not domesticated animals like cats and dogs but belong in the wild.
As such, any attempt to keep them involves extensive research into their behaviour, diet and environment, not to mention the cost. And they are often kept inside and alone which buggers up their natural breeding cycle.
All this can often result in stereotypical behaviour akin to self harm.
And If you lose pets, which you will, not only can that hurt, but also contribute to feeling failure.
Id suggest sticking to rescue animals (then you know you are saving them) and making sure you give them a good environment and diet, as you appear to have done with the hedgehog.
Do the research, it makes it even more fun to keep them then.
But you have to accept that they will sicken and die eventually, as they are wild animals and not meant for captivity (who is?) even if that gives them a better life once rescued.
And I'd go for quality over quantity for fear of out reaching your ability to care for them. I remember I was actually relieved when I let my old slow worms go.

Thanks! Yup I totally agree, they are absolutely not meant to be kept as pets. After my experience, I no longer support it. I am in a lot of big online care groups, I've done extensive research on both of them, I became a mentor for new owners too, my hedgehog was an impulse but as soon as I had him, I dove into research, I still learn things today...my hamster, I researched for months before adopting him. My motto is always, always do your research! Never buy a pet from a pet shop or a breeder, never give them as gifts, always do your research months beforehand before adopting or rescuing. I totally agree with you on that. And yeah, I was a bit relieved when my hamster died. I always prepare myself for their deaths, I know they're going to die, I understand their lifespans are short...but it was a lot of stress with my situation, it's a rare situation I was in. Both my animals had one issue after another, it was just so many problems, I could never just let them be and enjoy them, there was always a problem while they were young, alive, and appeared to be healthy, in an enriching environment. It sucks because it just proves that my life is full of bad luck, here I am, researching the crap out of everything, being extra careful and tip toeing around things, avoiding the wrong things etc (pet shops always sell bad and dangerous things), and yet I have all these problems, but there are thousands of people out there who cram their animals in tiny cages, with the wrong food, wrong bedding, hardly change their water, harass them and let their kids torture them, yet they never have a single health problem and live their entire lifespan and more, most people have never taken their small pet to the vet! People laugh at the thought (the terrible owners of course). I know what you mean about your childhood pets, I'm sure all of us who had pets as kids did it wrong lol! I know I did, we just didn't have the level of information access that we have now, and husbandry is always improving, standards are always changing, new things are always being discovered about their care. Just a few years ago the min cage size for a hamster was 360 sq inches, now it's 450 (still way too small imo, I had 1800 sq inches for 1 hamster).

My hamster had the ant infestations and it was extremely stressful dealing with that, the cleaning, moving, waiting, baiting ants, then finally caulking the bedroom and obsessively finding every gap I could to caulk, and buying expensive ant barriers and installing it (it was really hard, I'm not that flexible lol). Then he had a scent gland infection, then 2 months later he had an abscess lump which had to be surgically removed and aftercare for weeks, then a few months later his scent gland acted up again and I'm pretty sure that's what killed him. My hedgehog has had a very long list of issues, when I first got him he was under a year old, he started throwing up, then a few months later he was CRYING for an hour, I rushed him to an emergency vet in the middle of the night in another town, paid almost 300$ (including gas) for nothing, they couldn't find anything wrong with him and he stopped crying. Then for the past 2 years, he's had over 5 separate episodes of 6 hour long tantrums, along with self mutilation, he runs around in circles and all over the room for hours, I had to put padding on hard surfaces so he doesn't hurt himself. He still throws up sometimes, nobody knows why. He is overweight and doesn't loose a single gram when put on a diet. And now this, bloody urine. Another $150 vet bill, and more medication. I have so many old bottles of medicine, and so many syringes, I've given medication to these guys SO many times. I just don't know how I ended up with such horrible problems. It's hard to accept that I cared so much, but that I had so many health problems, and other issues throughout their entire lives, it's not just that they got sick one day, and then died (that would have made much more sense and would have been more typical and normal). They have had health issues since day 1, one thing after another. I'm pretty sure they were bred poorly and inbred, and I got a really "bad batch". I would call them "special needs". It sucks because they were my firsts of their species, so I totally didn't realize I was taking on special needs animals.

I did have a small addiction I will admit, I realized after I had 2 small animals, and 2 cats, and a bunch of wild animals visiting outside for food (raccoons etc), that I had taken on too much for myself. You see those youtubers with 100+ pets, I hate it, it's hoarding plain and simple, no one can give proper care to 100 animals on their own like that, it disgusts me and I hate seeing it. In my pet care groups, a lot of the members had like 15, 20 animals too, but they always give them the most minimum and basic care, to save space and cost. Many of them buy them from pet shops, or get them off craigslist, it is an addiction and a hobby for a lot of people, for me it's about a maternal instinct, I'm an antinatalist and I'm totally against having kids, I'm not even fit to have children, but I still have this need to care for my own kids, and I consider my pets my children...clearly I'm not fit to have ANY kids, even other species, lol!!! Right after my cat died, I went manic - I'm bipolar, first it was insects and snails. I was keeping so many snails and insects, then I had the opportunity to rescue a hedgehog and I immediately stepped up. I created a garden for my snails and insects and released them (they don't actually like being captive, they have a lot of personality). Then after that, I saw hamsters at the pet shop and I had to have them, so I went home and waited for almost a year doing a lot of research first, and finally got them. Then shortly after that, I started helping the animals in my neighborhood, I rescued a homeless cat and kept him, and I started feeding the wild animals, raccoons and skunks (even rats and mice). I also rescue other homeless cats from time to time, but I take them to the shelter because I can't keep them! hah, plus my own cats would kill me if I tried to. I think 2 small animals was my limit, so I never wanted to get any more. Plus, with all the health issues my animals were going through while they were still young, I didn't have the time or energy to get any more. And now, I'm never getting another small animal again. Not even rescue. It's clearly not for me, I'm full of bad luck!

Anyways, I went to the vet today... they wanted to do more testing, I said no, because they wanted to sedate him, and I didn't want to, because he's old and it's risky. I opted to do a round of antibiotics to treat a possible UTI, and they also gave some pain meds, and we'll go back for a check in next week. The tests alone come up 500$, I have paid over that before for my hedgie for blood work and xray, a sedation and simple exam runs $200, there is no pet insurance for exotic animals in my area, luckily this vet visit wasn't too bad, it came up to 160. But we'll have to go again next week, ugh. He took his medication happily today, thank god, I hate forcing them to take their meds. And his pee is yellow so far, fingers crossed it stays that way.

I love animals too op if i was rich i'd buy a big house with huge gardens and have loads of animals probably rescue one's. I can see that you love your little companions, well done and best of luck with them and to you.

That is totally my dream too! I always say if I won the lottery I'd make a sanctuary for little animals, and make them have lots of open outdoor space in gardens :) it would be so awesome to do that! Thanks!

 

[Sabriel]

I can relate. The emotional investment some of us put into our pets is no joke...I feel like I've gone over every minute detail of my dog's health since I adopted her to the point of absolute obsession. 4 months and over a $1000 in vet bills later and she's just now getting to a good place with her health. At one point when the vet misdiagnosed her as having a fatal heart condition I thought I'd just go ahead and CTB overnight, sloppy methods be damned :(

You are an excellent pet owner, and I think that in itself is something to feel proud of. ~good luck with your pets