shattered dreams
Student
- Jun 5, 2018
- 136
I posted this below on my facebook page privately that only I can see, only to go public when the time is right. It explains everything. I have been feeling a little better since I wrote this, so I am not currently suicidal. Still, I am sure I will not be around much longer. I can feel my body is dying and I am ok with that.
This will be my final message to the world. Within minutes of this posting, I will be dead. They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but that was definitely not the case for me. My permanent problem that doomed me from the day I was born was severe brain damage from my mother drinking while she was pregnant. To anyone who doesn't know, I had alcohol related neurodevelopmental disorder which is level 3 on the fetal alcohol spectrum disorders that was caused by her. Because of this, all through my life I made terrible decision after terrible decision, and was now dealing with severe chronic pain in addition to my mental problems. The reason I finally took my life is the chronic pancreatitis I was diagnosed with. I just could not take the severe pain all day and night anymore. The pain was excruciating and constant even with the 8 Tramadol pain pills that I took daily. The time had now come to where my life was no longer worth living. My typical day was as follows. Wake up around 6PM. Get on the internet for a while until I went to work at 7PM. I got home 20 minutes later in which I would get back into bed and toss and turn in extreme pain from chronic pancreatitis, or lay on the floor for hours and look at the ceiling. I then would go back to work at 12AM. I would get home 20 minutes later and then go back to bed to lay down for the next 7 hours or so. I then would take 3 different sleeping pills to sleep for the next 11-12 hours. I would repeat this all throughout the week. On the weekend, it was much, much worse as I had to go to work every 6 hours 4 times a day. It was unbearable on the weekends. I worked 7 days a week, and had since 2014.
As you can see, I had no life at all, nothing good to look forward to. I was paying over half of my tiny little income of $960 a month on rent. Although I made $45 an hour, I only got 6 hours a week so I was poor, dirt poor. I was existing, not living. Every single day was hell for me. I absolutely hated to have to wake up, and I could not wait to go back to sleep. It usually took me 2-3 hours to get out of bed. The only time I was at peace was when I was sleeping. The brain damage from my mother's drinking was permanent, and I would never have gotten better. There also are no treatments available for chronic pancreatitis. I would continue to suffer as long as I was alive. There was zero chance of ever getting better and living a productive life. I felt exactly like this woman below in the link as she said, "I don't want to die, I want to live, but not like this." (That quote is not in the link, but she had said it before.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...tany-maynard-as-promised-ends-her-life-at-29/
I have committed suicide for exactly the same reason as her. My situation was terminal. I could barely support myself in the past, but now being very sick physically, I was getting to where I could no longer support myself at all, and I could not get disability either, I tried. I was eventually going to be homeless and die on the streets, or I could die now on my own terms, which is what I did. I could have kept working until I finally lost my job, then killed myself, but what was the point of living like this anymore? As God knows, I really wanted to live and have a normal life. I never wanted to be this way. I still hate myself and feel terrible about all the bad things I did in the past, and how I treated others. To my credit, I did completely change for the better in 2014 after I became totally broke, lost my apartment, and ended up sleeping in my friend's living room. I no longer harassed anyone, I treated everyone with respect, and I quit abusing alcohol. I have always taken full responsibility for my actions believing it was always all my fault, so I was astonished in November 2015 to find out it was all my mother's fault. I loved my mother so much and cannot understand why she did this terrible thing to me. I remember my mom breaking down crying one day many years ago, while saying "what did I ever do to have such a horrible son?" Well mom, it took me 40 years to find out, but I now have your answer, and yes, you caused it!!! I know it may sound like I now hate my mother, but that is not true at all. I realize she was troubled, and she also had mental problems. I really started to see it right after my dad died. I still love her, always will, and I fully forgave her in my heart. I know it was not intentional, and she loved and cared about me very much. However, that still does not change the fact that her careless actions caused my whole life to be destroyed.
I now hope everyone understands why I finally decided to end my life. Please remember that I was terminally ill from the chronic pancreatitis, and the brain damage I had made it so I had no chance of ever living a normal life. Most Americans feel suicide is acceptable when you have a debilitating illness that will never get better, especially when it causes extreme chronic pain. The day to day suffering was finally too much to take. I had no choice, as the only other option of keeping on living like this would have been unbearable . This was not some trivial my girlfriend left me and now I do not want to live kind of thing. I am finally at peace now. As soon as I finally realized that there was absolutely zero chance of my life ever getting better, and it could only get worse, I actually wanted to die as death was the only way out of this horrible life. I will finish by saying I wish everyone well, and am truly sorry for any of my past negative actions.
love,
Shattered Dreams
This will be my final message to the world. Within minutes of this posting, I will be dead. They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but that was definitely not the case for me. My permanent problem that doomed me from the day I was born was severe brain damage from my mother drinking while she was pregnant. To anyone who doesn't know, I had alcohol related neurodevelopmental disorder which is level 3 on the fetal alcohol spectrum disorders that was caused by her. Because of this, all through my life I made terrible decision after terrible decision, and was now dealing with severe chronic pain in addition to my mental problems. The reason I finally took my life is the chronic pancreatitis I was diagnosed with. I just could not take the severe pain all day and night anymore. The pain was excruciating and constant even with the 8 Tramadol pain pills that I took daily. The time had now come to where my life was no longer worth living. My typical day was as follows. Wake up around 6PM. Get on the internet for a while until I went to work at 7PM. I got home 20 minutes later in which I would get back into bed and toss and turn in extreme pain from chronic pancreatitis, or lay on the floor for hours and look at the ceiling. I then would go back to work at 12AM. I would get home 20 minutes later and then go back to bed to lay down for the next 7 hours or so. I then would take 3 different sleeping pills to sleep for the next 11-12 hours. I would repeat this all throughout the week. On the weekend, it was much, much worse as I had to go to work every 6 hours 4 times a day. It was unbearable on the weekends. I worked 7 days a week, and had since 2014.
As you can see, I had no life at all, nothing good to look forward to. I was paying over half of my tiny little income of $960 a month on rent. Although I made $45 an hour, I only got 6 hours a week so I was poor, dirt poor. I was existing, not living. Every single day was hell for me. I absolutely hated to have to wake up, and I could not wait to go back to sleep. It usually took me 2-3 hours to get out of bed. The only time I was at peace was when I was sleeping. The brain damage from my mother's drinking was permanent, and I would never have gotten better. There also are no treatments available for chronic pancreatitis. I would continue to suffer as long as I was alive. There was zero chance of ever getting better and living a productive life. I felt exactly like this woman below in the link as she said, "I don't want to die, I want to live, but not like this." (That quote is not in the link, but she had said it before.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...tany-maynard-as-promised-ends-her-life-at-29/
I have committed suicide for exactly the same reason as her. My situation was terminal. I could barely support myself in the past, but now being very sick physically, I was getting to where I could no longer support myself at all, and I could not get disability either, I tried. I was eventually going to be homeless and die on the streets, or I could die now on my own terms, which is what I did. I could have kept working until I finally lost my job, then killed myself, but what was the point of living like this anymore? As God knows, I really wanted to live and have a normal life. I never wanted to be this way. I still hate myself and feel terrible about all the bad things I did in the past, and how I treated others. To my credit, I did completely change for the better in 2014 after I became totally broke, lost my apartment, and ended up sleeping in my friend's living room. I no longer harassed anyone, I treated everyone with respect, and I quit abusing alcohol. I have always taken full responsibility for my actions believing it was always all my fault, so I was astonished in November 2015 to find out it was all my mother's fault. I loved my mother so much and cannot understand why she did this terrible thing to me. I remember my mom breaking down crying one day many years ago, while saying "what did I ever do to have such a horrible son?" Well mom, it took me 40 years to find out, but I now have your answer, and yes, you caused it!!! I know it may sound like I now hate my mother, but that is not true at all. I realize she was troubled, and she also had mental problems. I really started to see it right after my dad died. I still love her, always will, and I fully forgave her in my heart. I know it was not intentional, and she loved and cared about me very much. However, that still does not change the fact that her careless actions caused my whole life to be destroyed.
I now hope everyone understands why I finally decided to end my life. Please remember that I was terminally ill from the chronic pancreatitis, and the brain damage I had made it so I had no chance of ever living a normal life. Most Americans feel suicide is acceptable when you have a debilitating illness that will never get better, especially when it causes extreme chronic pain. The day to day suffering was finally too much to take. I had no choice, as the only other option of keeping on living like this would have been unbearable . This was not some trivial my girlfriend left me and now I do not want to live kind of thing. I am finally at peace now. As soon as I finally realized that there was absolutely zero chance of my life ever getting better, and it could only get worse, I actually wanted to die as death was the only way out of this horrible life. I will finish by saying I wish everyone well, and am truly sorry for any of my past negative actions.
love,
Shattered Dreams
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