my story

[laura fines]

I need to vent.
And for the first time I have found a forum where to do it.
I will try to be brief.
I am 43 years old, I have been with depression since I was 18 at least.
I have no friends, no partner, I spend the day alone.
I have parents and a sister but I don't live with them (no same city).
They support me, but they don't understand how much depression suffers.
I feel empty, sad, desperate, from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I have no hobbies, or the desire to do anything ... worse and worse, I can hardly listen to music. Nothing satisfies me. And I don't expect anything from life anymore. Just rest from myself.
I have been thinking and fantasizing about my death for years. I have had 2 unsuccessful suicide attempts (with diazepam pills, which don't work for that). I have N since a year ago.
I think about doing it (ctb) every day, but I think about the pain I'm going to cause to my parents and sister...
And in that debate I find myself, and I spend hours thinking about this.

 

[Hellonearth]

If you've managed to live for 20 years in your condition, you must be pretty brave

 

[laura fines]

I suffer a lot. every day.
and it's getting worse.
I cry a lot
I really do not understand how I have endured so much,
I think I'm a coward I've been here all these years out of inertia. Knowing that the next day would be the same shit as always.

 

[flatearth]

I suffer a lot. every day.
and it's getting worse.
I cry a lot
I really do not understand how I have endured so much,
I think I'm a coward I've been here all these years out of inertia. Knowing that the next day would be the same shit as always.

coward? wouldn't the years you've survived just prove how strong you are?

 

[greebo6]

I need to vent.
And for the first time I have found a forum where to do it.
I will try to be brief.
I am 43 years old, I have been with depression since I was 18 at least.
I have no friends, no partner, I spend the day alone.
I have parents and a sister but I don't live with them (no same city).
They support me, but they don't understand how much depression suffers.
I feel empty, sad, desperate, from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I have no hobbies, or the desire to do anything ... worse and worse, I can hardly listen to music. Nothing satisfies me. And I don't expect anything from life anymore. Just rest from myself.
I have been thinking and fantasizing about my death for years. I have had 2 unsuccessful suicide attempts (with diazepam pills, which don't work for that). I have N since a year ago.
I think about doing it (ctb) every day, but I think about the pain I'm going to cause to my parents and sister...
And in that debate I find myself, and I spend hours thinking about this.

You sound like me in a lot of ways. We are even similar age. I am glad I found this forum too.

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

I am slightly younger than you but could pretty much copy and paste what you've written (other than having N). Hopefully some virtual love from us will make today a tiny bit brighter than yesterday.

 

[Mm80]

Can certainly relate to the depression ive had it since 18 and im 40 this year.
Did you used to have any hobbies or interests in the past before things got this dark ?

 

[laura fines]

Can certainly relate to the depression ive had it since 18 and im 40 this year.
Did you used to have any hobbies or interests in the past before things got this dark ?

certainly yes, years ago i did more things than nowadays.
In the past, i had some friends but my zero skills have caused i am alone
(in fact, normally i think its better be alone, but is also depressing)
I was depressed nearly every day, but sometimes i did stuff
but most of the time alone (study languages, listen to music, job)

 

[watsonsmith]

I am very impressed you lasted so many years with this debilitating yet frustrating condition (since nobody suffering from it can quite grasp what it's like).

It takes such tremendous willpower to go through this for such a prolonged time when each day is agony. I only wish all the people here didn't have these issues and could utilise this strength of heart to change this world. I am one of them though, perhaps in another lifetime.

I am sorry you are struggling, you will find understanding and compassion here.

 

[LonelyNick]

You are more than welcome to vent here. You're among like minded people. You are very strong. You managed to beat daily this horrible affliction for 43 years.

I totally understand wanting to end everything. I'm 32 but I'm so exhausted. The depression is just making me tired. Tired of the routine, tired of of the fake people, tired of the pain, tired of the tears, the boredom.

Your are not a coward you are strong. I can't see myself at 40. It's too many more years of pain.

 

[XYZ]

Welcome to the forum, @laura fines and I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. I've been living with severe depression since I was 12. "Rest from myself" would be a blessing for me as well...