Venting My story

[ghost-key]

Hi all. I'm new here and saw that this forum would be good for venting, getting things off your chest and so forth, so here's my story. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, maybe you can give some advice..either way, I'd like to share.

I'm lonely, depressed, haven't had a serious relationship in over 6 years. I consider myself ugly, honestly. Both on the outside and inside. I look at my reflection in the mirror and can't stand to see the person looking back at me. I've taken so much advice over the years to improve myself like going to the gym, praying to God, eating healthier, reading more than I already did, cutting back on things like pornography & junk food but even through all of that, I still hate myself, tremendously. I haven't made the best decisions over the years and that's probably a lot to do with things. I've ruined friendships, relationships, lashed out in anger towards my family when they didn't deserve it. I've acted selfish, immature, childish, lazy and the list goes on and on. Currently I'm laid off from work collecting unemployment and this whole stay-at-home policy for my state has me feeling more lonely than ever. At least before this I was going to work to interact with my co-workers everyday. Now, there's no one. Sure, my mom checks in sometimes but it doesn't fill the emptiness of my apartment. It doesn't kill the loneliness that I feel everyday.

I don't consider myself suicidal. I've had the thoughts, you know? Where I know if things get too bad then there's always the backup plan of taking my life and never having to feel this way again. I don't want to sit here and say that a relationship would solve all my problems because I know it wouldn't, I'm sure you guys do too, but having someone to go through life with would make things easier. Someone to come home to, hang out with, plan a future with. I'd like to get married one day, I'd like my mom to see me get married so she knows I'm not a complete and total loner who is actually desired enough by a woman for her to want to marry me, but as it goes right now...I just don't see it happening. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, it's more I'm afraid of dying alone. I've gotten better at accepting it but it still haunts me and I can't help but worry if this is it...It feels like no matter how much I try to improve myself so I'm a better man for my (hopefully) future wife..I'm getting no where. And so this is it. I go to work, go to the gym, come home and play video games, read, listen to music...do whatever I can to keep my thoughts from going to those dark places.

I'm just so exhausted guys. I'm so tired of existing and watching life pass me by.
Thanks for listening

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

First, I think if you're better for yourself, it will do more good than being better for someone else. I think the people who seem to draw the most attraction are people who genuinely like themselves and have their own interests, rather than existing for another and basing their self-worth on someone else liking or approving of them.

Second, I was surprised that you said you're new here when you've been a member since not long after the forum started,even though you only started posting today. Care to share how that happened?

Finally, do you have body dysmorphia, so that you think you're ugly even when others say you're not?

Sorry to hear you're so exhausted. Out of curiosity, have you ever had your vitamin D levels or thyroid checked?

 

[Negrathecat]

Hi all. I'm new here and saw that this forum would be good for venting, getting things off your chest and so forth, so here's my story. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, maybe you can give some advice..either way, I'd like to share.

I'm lonely, depressed, haven't had a serious relationship in over 6 years. I consider myself ugly, honestly. Both on the outside and inside. I look at my reflection in the mirror and can't stand to see the person looking back at me. I've taken so much advice over the years to improve myself like going to the gym, praying to God, eating healthier, reading more than I already did, cutting back on things like pornography & junk food but even through all of that, I still hate myself, tremendously. I haven't made the best decisions over the years and that's probably a lot to do with things. I've ruined friendships, relationships, lashed out in anger towards my family when they didn't deserve it. I've acted selfish, immature, childish, lazy and the list goes on and on. Currently I'm laid off from work collecting unemployment and this whole stay-at-home policy for my state has me feeling more lonely than ever. At least before this I was going to work to interact with my co-workers everyday. Now, there's no one. Sure, my mom checks in sometimes but it doesn't fill the emptiness of my apartment. It doesn't kill the loneliness that I feel everyday.

I don't consider myself suicidal. I've had the thoughts, you know? Where I know if things get too bad then there's always the backup plan of taking my life and never having to feel this way again. I don't want to sit here and say that a relationship would solve all my problems because I know it wouldn't, I'm sure you guys do too, but having someone to go through life with would make things easier. Someone to come home to, hang out with, plan a future with. I'd like to get married one day, I'd like my mom to see me get married so she knows I'm not a complete and total loner who is actually desired enough by a woman for her to want to marry me, but as it goes right now...I just don't see it happening. It's not that I'm afraid of dying, it's more I'm afraid of dying alone. I've gotten better at accepting it but it still haunts me and I can't help but worry if this is it...It feels like no matter how much I try to improve myself so I'm a better man for my (hopefully) future wife..I'm getting no where. And so this is it. I go to work, go to the gym, come home and play video games, read, listen to music...do whatever I can to keep my thoughts from going to those dark places.

I'm just so exhausted guys. I'm so tired of existing and watching life pass me by.
Thanks for listening

I relate so much to this... TRUST ME
Please reach out to me via pm I would love to hear more of your story and maybe help you not feel alone.

 

[ghost-key]

I relate so much to this... TRUST ME
Please reach out to me via pm I would love to hear more of your story and maybe help you not feel alone.

I'd like that, not sure how to PM though, lol. You can definitely PM me if you'd like however.

 

[KleinerWolf]

I'd like that, not sure how to PM though, lol. You can definitely PM me if you'd like however.

You can directly message a member by clicking on the person's profile and you get a window that comes up with the option to chat or start a conversation.


Some people say to PM, it requires you have a certain amount of posts?
Im not sure if thats the case but you can try to see if it works first?