Story My Story

[JackieT]

Hi, my name is Jackie and I am so happy I found this site. My story is a very long and complicated one I won't bore you with all the details. I guess it all started when my mom and dad divorced I was 6 and we moved to a different area of the city I live in. My mom hooked up with this guy who turned out to be a monster. At any given time for whatever reason, he deemed necessary he beat me or grounded me or both. there were times I would be grounded from my bedroom, talking to my sister or after school I would come home and be sent straight to bed without food.

One day I decided I had had enough I gathered up a bunch of pills I was 13 at the time and decided I was going to take them but I told my best friend at the time she called my mom and once again was severely beaten instead of them trying to talk to me and figure out what was wrong (wonderful parents). She kicked me out when I was 15 so I moved on made somewhat a life for myself it was not easy.

I moved away for 2 years to a different province to work 2nd attempt. I was so scared and alone and got deeper and deeper into a depression. I forgot to mention I was also raped by my cousin for years while mom was with her new bf. so I decided I was going to slit my wrists I had ripped a razor apart and started slicing I got scared with all the blood I called the suicide hotline they sent the RCMP and an ambulance I spent a week in the hospital.

Ok enough, I decided to come back here nothing there was working out for me when I got back I met the the love of my life my husband we have been married 30 years now and he is the most amazing man any woman could want so helpful and supportive but I just wasn't happy so here comes the 3d attempt I was going to hang myself at work I don't know why at work I just wanted it over I couldn't stand my life and didn't want to be here anymore I went to the boss he took me to a counselor and we talked through some issues I told them I was ok when I was actually in a downward spiral. 4th attempt I was home alone and I was triggered by memories and flashbacks. I still had to go to an appointment I had scheduled so I left while I was there they asked me how I was I told them the truth they demanded I go to the hospital I refused she said ok and let me go by the time I got home there were 3 police cars here and they took me away I saw on the screen i was listed as a suicide in progress they wouldn't even let me go into my house it was a very cold winter day it took them 45 minutes to talk me into going with them I spent 16 days in the psych ward.

I hate that place I put on a smile and pretend everything is ok I have become very good at that when the truth is I WANT TO DIE I am scared I love my husband so much and I think he is the only reason I am still here. I had a plan for my birthday that was last year I don't know how much longer I can hold on the only thing keeping me here right now is the fact I can not put my husband through that he doesn't deserve it I feel so stuck and unsure of my future

Thanks for reading this time to put on my happy face and go to work

PS I just wanted to mention my husband is my best friend and we can talk about anything especially this without judgment I just don't want to be a burden to him. I feel I am just existing not living.

 

[JimFord99]

Babes, the classical case of abuse. Mentally and physically. Too many failed attempts. Stop it for now and try to recharge your life. Go away from the past that's haunting you.

 

[Sammybackflip]

"I feel I am just existing not living." I'd say most if not all who have found this site feel that way.

 

[JimFord99]

You are right. I hat is the way it is.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I'm not very good with words so bare with me. I'm so sorry that you've gone through what you have. I can understand the deep despair you feel and just wanting it to stop and to want to let go. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how difficult it is not wanting to hurt the love of your life but wanting to not be here anymore. What an utter tug of war. I know this is a good place for support and understanding. Be well.

 

[JackieT]

I'm not very good with words so bare with me. I'm so sorry that you've gone through what you have. I can understand the deep despair you feel and just wanting it to stop and to want to let go. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how difficult it is not wanting to hurt the love of your life but wanting to not be here anymore. What an utter tug of war. I know this is a good place for support and understanding. Be well.

Thank You

 

[JimFord99]

You are always so re assuring and comforting. Thanks.

 

[Rachel74]

I'm sorry you have gone through this but I'm thankful you have an amazing husband. You have also found a group that really understand you.
I wish there was a drug you could take to forget all the nastiness and evil you endure. Until that happens I'm sending you a hug and here for you xxxx

 

[Stan]

PS I just wanted to mention my husband is my best friend and we can talk about anything especially this without judgment I just don't want to be a burden to him. I feel I am just existing not living.

Such sentence that has so much in it. The absolute and unconditional love and support of your husband. I don't know either him or you, but if you have someone like that in your life its priceless. Maybe you need to stop thinking of yourself as a burden. He could quite easily have walked away from this situation but look at the fact that after 30 years he is still there doing it! I don't know how to counsel you sadly, but I would say maybe write a bit about the 30 years you have been married to this fantastic guy and how he has helped you. Might give some balance

 

[JackieT]

Such sentence that has so much in it. The absolute and unconditional love and support of your husband. I don't know either him or you, but if you have someone like that in your life its priceless. Maybe you need to stop thinking of yourself as a burden. He could quite easily have walked away from this situation but look at the fact that after 30 years he is still there doing it! I don't know how to counsel you sadly, but I would say maybe write a bit about the 30 years you have been married to this fantastic guy and how he has helped you. Might give some balance

Hello. Well the way we met was strange I was fooling around calling random people I decided to call see who has moms old phone # it was him after 3-4 calls we met and as it turns out hs babysitter lives in the area he grew up in was also my mom's matron of honor. Strange I know. It hasn't been so easy the first few years fought a lot had a lot of problems he had an addiction he overcame himself (so proud of him). I would say the last 10 years have been the best. We have become so much closer. I can tell him anything and everything even my deepest darkest secrets and no matter what he is here for me. Through my struggles with debilitating depression anxiety and I was also diagnosed BPD. He no longer wanted me to take the meds I was prescribed they were making things worse I stopped taking them and instead of the meds, I found him. Just the other day we were sitting outside drinking coffee and he says out of the blue if you hadn't stopped taking those meds you probably would have committed suicide I was stunned. So If I ever start to go down that deep dark hole I am supposed to call him and he will come get me no questions asked and he has. I honestly never thought I could find someone to love me I am so tragically broken. This is why I am finding it so difficult one may ask if you have such an amazing husband/life why would you want to die. They are the demons of my past and how I see myself. There is so much more to my past maybe I will touch on a bit later on. I feel hopeless, useless fat, disgusting, broken, worthless I sometimes have wondered if he is here because he feels he took me away from a very bad situation and now he feels I am his responsibility. I have everything I could want he spoils me sometimes I also wonder if he spoils me because he thinks it will make me happy and won't want to ..........end my life. I have never admitted these things to anyone ever. I know he loves me unconditionally I have no doubt there but the things I hear in my mind tell me otherwise and I try not to listen but sometimes its so loud.

 

[Stan]

That's a really lovely piece of writing and really shares your story in an un-glossed way so thank you. Only he knows the truth to why he is the way he is. You can take it at the face value that he does it because he loves you or that he feels responsible. I know whatever anyone says to you that you may hear the words, but not feel them. What kind of support system has he got around him if you do decide to go?

 

[Beautifulletdown]

Hello. Well the way we met was strange I was fooling around calling random people I decided to call see who has moms old phone # it was him after 3-4 calls we met and as it turns out hs babysitter lives in the area he grew up in was also my mom's matron of honor. Strange I know. It hasn't been so easy the first few years fought a lot had a lot of problems he had an addiction he overcame himself (so proud of him). I would say the last 10 years have been the best. We have become so much closer. I can tell him anything and everything even my deepest darkest secrets and no matter what he is here for me. Through my struggles with debilitating depression anxiety and I was also diagnosed BPD. He no longer wanted me to take the meds I was prescribed they were making things worse I stopped taking them and instead of the meds, I found him. Just the other day we were sitting outside drinking coffee and he says out of the blue if you hadn't stopped taking those meds you probably would have committed suicide I was stunned. So If I ever start to go down that deep dark hole I am supposed to call him and he will come get me no questions asked and he has. I honestly never thought I could find someone to love me I am so tragically broken. This is why I am finding it so difficult one may ask if you have such an amazing husband/life why would you want to die. They are the demons of my past and how I see myself. There is so much more to my past maybe I will touch on a bit later on. I feel hopeless, useless fat, disgusting, broken, worthless I sometimes have wondered if he is here because he feels he took me away from a very bad situation and now he feels I am his responsibility. I have everything I could want he spoils me sometimes I also wonder if he spoils me because he thinks it will make me happy and won't want to ..........end my life. I have never admitted these things to anyone ever. I know he loves me unconditionally I have no doubt there but the things I hear in my mind tell me otherwise and I try not to listen but sometimes its so loud.

Thank you for sharing how you met. It's a really cool story. He sounds like a great man. Jackie, i think everything he does for you is coming from an absolute place of love, support and understanding. It would have been easy to throw up his hands, especially during the darkest of days, and not been there. I know this from experience. I know you aren't taking meds, but have you tried alternative treatments like TMS? Just curious

 

[JackieT]

That's a really lovely piece of writing and really shares your story in an un-glossed way so thank you. Only he knows the truth to why he is the way he is. You can take it at the face value that he does it because he loves you or that he feels responsible. I know whatever anyone says to you that you may hear the words, but not feel them. What kind of support system has he got around him if you do decide to go?

Hi, No he doesn't his entire family are assholes I think maybe his eldest brother. I would hope so. I tell his dad I am lucky I got the best one out of them all.

Thank you for sharing how you met. It's a really cool story. He sounds like a great man. Jackie, i think everything he does for you is coming from an absolute place of love, support and understanding. It would have been easy to throw up his hands, especially during the darkest of days, and not been there. I know this from experience. I know you aren't taking meds, but have you tried alternative treatments like TMS? Just curious

Hi,
Yes I have tried 5-HTP it works to a degree. I still have a lot of problems and I have smoked marijuana and taken the oils all that does is get me high and when I come down my problems are still there and sometimes magnified because it makes me paranoid.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

So, I'm not sure how your healthcare is where you are and this is merely a recommendation. I've done a few things which are out there: TMS, Ketamine and TBS. I'm not trying to tell you what to do and these treatments have worked for others although not for me. I still think they are viable options to medication or with medication but that something you could discuss with a healthcare provider.

Just a thought and definitely not telling you what you should or shouldn't do. I promise.

 

[Stan]

Its a dilemma that a number of people have here and truly only you can decide what is the best option for you. If you become a martyr by staying around, then you have to square away that decision with yourself and make peace with it otherwise it becomes a new burden for you to bear. If you go, then you know there is going to be a huge impact.

I personally belief life is fragile anyway. You can go through a clinical way without knowing you have an underlying condition, I have seen this a few times only with heart attacks though . You could get in an automobile accident. Or you take your own life. The absence is the same. The fact that you are predicting your end will obviously lead you to thinking of the consequences. I truly wish I could help but only you really know what is best for you as is the same for everyone on this forum.

 

[JackieT]

I'm sorry you have gone through this but I'm thankful you have an amazing husband. You have also found a group that really understand you.
I wish there was a drug you could take to forget all the nastiness and evil you endure. Until that happens I'm sending you a hug and here for you xxxx

Thank you Rachel