iamanavalanche
fast words, deliverance
- May 20, 2024
- 204
TW: SA
i often feel like i want to do nothing but scream at all the skin tearing violence ive been forced into. when all the abuse and assaults are not visible, i feel invalid for being in so much pain. manifesting it into cuts and burns so that i can make it known to myself that i was really raped. i often still blame myself and tell myself what i went through wasnt real.
i first was SA when i was around 7 yrs old. the first time I had experienced this at this age was being grabbed in the ass by a classmate and being called "sexy" while in the lunch queue. though with the big picture of my life, this did not emotionally impact me as much. later on at this age, i remember eating with friends and one of them telling me and 2 others about how she was being molested. under the table, she demonstrated how it was done in front of all of us. onto me btw. i felt sick and like i wanted to throw up. i remember pacing around the playground being so unsure of why it felt so horrible and wrong. i no longer let my dad touch me let alone tickle me which felt the closest to how i thought rape would be. i continued my childhood with a strong, debilitating fear of being filthy and being raped.
when i was 13, i had my first boyfriend. he was one of those popular guys so i was so excited and so "in love". long story short, he only was interested in me due to the fact he had a fetish for east asians. when we broke up, i went through isolation and loneliness which made me resort to discord- we know where this goes lol. i was then coerced into sexual behaviours by a 16 yr old. the next year i dated a 18 yr old. then later on that year, i dated a 26 yr old who planned to marry me the day i became 18. triggers became more apparent when i couldnt hear a shortened version of my name without having panic attacks. he would send me explicit videos calling me that nickname that i could never forget.
turning 15, i chose to give a best friend a chance to romantically talk to me. we were best friends since the age of 12 and i trusted him with my whole heart. he told me his feelings innocently and i wanted to know what it felt like to be really loved. the closer we got, the scarier he became. he went on to molest me every single day; whispering things in my ear. he would tell me explicitly what he would put inside of me, how he would sell me, how he would kidnap me, who he would sell me off to. he imagined me in nsfw scenarios where i would be newborn to 12 years old. he had masturbated to pictures of me at 3 years old. despite trying to run away, despite trying to call it off, he would always come back to tell me his sick fantasies. even with everything that has happened to me, this would be the most horrific. i could not put into words the things he has said to me even though i remember every single syllable. when i told my friends about this, they all said they knew. they would watch me being molested and laugh.
after this, my symptoms of PTSD were intense. i felt dirty and filthy no matter what. i would lie in bed sobbing. feeling everything that had happened to me over and over. having nightmares about him every single night for a year straight. at 16, a previous classmate texted me out of the blue and i fell in love with him very quickly. he was my first love and i confided him in what i went through. he showed me mostly support even though blaming me for what happened to me sometimes. even so, he told me he would never do that to me. he told me how he would avenge me. he told me he would never touch me.
he raped me around 150 times. every saturday he would rape me 2-12 times with the average of 7. i only know this because he would brag. even when i was sick, with no sleep, coughing, spluttering, sneezing. i would still be coerced and forced into sex. even when i wasnt being raped, he would force me to strip fully naked just so we could be naked together. the last time i was raped was the week before my birthday. i begged him to not rape me on my birthday. my birthday was the only thing i had that reminded me of the good in my childhood. he tried to rape me anyways and i successfully ran away. he then cried in my arms about what he did. to my love for him, i stayed with him for another year. he abused me to the end of the relationship. from ages 18-19 was the usual groping and assaults and catcalls and harassments that isnt worth writing a whole thing about lol.
okay and now to this year- at age 20, i went out with a friend in february to a bar. i admitally drank a lot but i thought it all out. i was safe with a person i trusted and knew well. i knew where i was and i knew how to get home. i became so drunk i could barely speak and was groped and kissed without my consent by two mid 30 year old men. i got out of the bar. feeling so confused and disgusting like i always have been. finding my friend was on the floor and begging me to come sleep with him. realising everyone was the same i told him no and then found that my phone was dead and i had no way home. i ended up sobbing in a man's arms and him and his mom comforted me. i told them how much i wanted to die and what happened to me. they both gave me hugs and gentle words that i had never gotten before. later that night, the man tried to rape me. despite all of that fucking shit. he tried to rape me. like everyone else. he then had a panic attack telling me about how his best friend was raped and i comforted him. i didn't know what to do but fawn. we cuddled until the morning and it was the last feeling of comfort ive felt. even if he violated me. i missed the warmth i got from a man who tried to rape me.
i cant shower without feeling like a disgusting whore. i cant brush my teeth without feeling like ive been forced into my mouth. i cant look at children without having horrible intrusive thoughts. i will never be safe until i die. i have lived a life i feel that i could never recover from. even when i am dead, my body will still be as raped as it was.
(im sorry if i wrote this so scuffed. i am a dumb, illiterate pos).
i often feel like i want to do nothing but scream at all the skin tearing violence ive been forced into. when all the abuse and assaults are not visible, i feel invalid for being in so much pain. manifesting it into cuts and burns so that i can make it known to myself that i was really raped. i often still blame myself and tell myself what i went through wasnt real.
i first was SA when i was around 7 yrs old. the first time I had experienced this at this age was being grabbed in the ass by a classmate and being called "sexy" while in the lunch queue. though with the big picture of my life, this did not emotionally impact me as much. later on at this age, i remember eating with friends and one of them telling me and 2 others about how she was being molested. under the table, she demonstrated how it was done in front of all of us. onto me btw. i felt sick and like i wanted to throw up. i remember pacing around the playground being so unsure of why it felt so horrible and wrong. i no longer let my dad touch me let alone tickle me which felt the closest to how i thought rape would be. i continued my childhood with a strong, debilitating fear of being filthy and being raped.
when i was 13, i had my first boyfriend. he was one of those popular guys so i was so excited and so "in love". long story short, he only was interested in me due to the fact he had a fetish for east asians. when we broke up, i went through isolation and loneliness which made me resort to discord- we know where this goes lol. i was then coerced into sexual behaviours by a 16 yr old. the next year i dated a 18 yr old. then later on that year, i dated a 26 yr old who planned to marry me the day i became 18. triggers became more apparent when i couldnt hear a shortened version of my name without having panic attacks. he would send me explicit videos calling me that nickname that i could never forget.
turning 15, i chose to give a best friend a chance to romantically talk to me. we were best friends since the age of 12 and i trusted him with my whole heart. he told me his feelings innocently and i wanted to know what it felt like to be really loved. the closer we got, the scarier he became. he went on to molest me every single day; whispering things in my ear. he would tell me explicitly what he would put inside of me, how he would sell me, how he would kidnap me, who he would sell me off to. he imagined me in nsfw scenarios where i would be newborn to 12 years old. he had masturbated to pictures of me at 3 years old. despite trying to run away, despite trying to call it off, he would always come back to tell me his sick fantasies. even with everything that has happened to me, this would be the most horrific. i could not put into words the things he has said to me even though i remember every single syllable. when i told my friends about this, they all said they knew. they would watch me being molested and laugh.
after this, my symptoms of PTSD were intense. i felt dirty and filthy no matter what. i would lie in bed sobbing. feeling everything that had happened to me over and over. having nightmares about him every single night for a year straight. at 16, a previous classmate texted me out of the blue and i fell in love with him very quickly. he was my first love and i confided him in what i went through. he showed me mostly support even though blaming me for what happened to me sometimes. even so, he told me he would never do that to me. he told me how he would avenge me. he told me he would never touch me.
he raped me around 150 times. every saturday he would rape me 2-12 times with the average of 7. i only know this because he would brag. even when i was sick, with no sleep, coughing, spluttering, sneezing. i would still be coerced and forced into sex. even when i wasnt being raped, he would force me to strip fully naked just so we could be naked together. the last time i was raped was the week before my birthday. i begged him to not rape me on my birthday. my birthday was the only thing i had that reminded me of the good in my childhood. he tried to rape me anyways and i successfully ran away. he then cried in my arms about what he did. to my love for him, i stayed with him for another year. he abused me to the end of the relationship. from ages 18-19 was the usual groping and assaults and catcalls and harassments that isnt worth writing a whole thing about lol.
okay and now to this year- at age 20, i went out with a friend in february to a bar. i admitally drank a lot but i thought it all out. i was safe with a person i trusted and knew well. i knew where i was and i knew how to get home. i became so drunk i could barely speak and was groped and kissed without my consent by two mid 30 year old men. i got out of the bar. feeling so confused and disgusting like i always have been. finding my friend was on the floor and begging me to come sleep with him. realising everyone was the same i told him no and then found that my phone was dead and i had no way home. i ended up sobbing in a man's arms and him and his mom comforted me. i told them how much i wanted to die and what happened to me. they both gave me hugs and gentle words that i had never gotten before. later that night, the man tried to rape me. despite all of that fucking shit. he tried to rape me. like everyone else. he then had a panic attack telling me about how his best friend was raped and i comforted him. i didn't know what to do but fawn. we cuddled until the morning and it was the last feeling of comfort ive felt. even if he violated me. i missed the warmth i got from a man who tried to rape me.
i cant shower without feeling like a disgusting whore. i cant brush my teeth without feeling like ive been forced into my mouth. i cant look at children without having horrible intrusive thoughts. i will never be safe until i die. i have lived a life i feel that i could never recover from. even when i am dead, my body will still be as raped as it was.
(im sorry if i wrote this so scuffed. i am a dumb, illiterate pos).
