Venting My story

[dreamcatcher90]

Hi lovely people,
hoping that your day is better than mine.

I just wanted to share my story so people get to know me and trust me more. Would be nice to unlock the personal messaging feature.

I am 34 years old female and consider myself lucky, my life was interesting and full of adventures.

I work in IT and used to travel a lot, lived in different countries. Once had a long relationship, some short term romantic flings.

Unfortunately, I have a history with recreational drugs and probably that is why I have been diagnosed with chronic mental illness - schizoaffective disorder. Some days are better, some days are worse. Sometimes I get very intense psychotic episodes and have to be closed off in a psych ward.

My life is in ruins since then. No partner, no friends. My career is ending and probably soon I will have to start working in a factory or similar. I live alone, most of the days I try to game or similar to distract my brain.

Due to medication, I gained 10kg, and my hair is falling out. I became ugly.

Each morning I wake up with panic and anxiety attacks. I wish I never experimented with recreational drugs. Maybe my life would be normal and happy now.

My father is an aggressive alcoholic, my mom has her own problems and disabilities too.

It is very difficult to admit that my life has no future left. I used to be positive and was trying my best to succeed. But now it's just over.

I am researching suicide methods daily. That's the only thing that gives me hope and reduces my anxiety. It feels nice to know that there are options to end the suffering, even though these methods aren't simple or easily accessible.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum. I can relate somehow. Losing life quality, job and certain standards we expect can make us very suicidal. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[whywere]

It is so nice having a new family member here, and as @Praestat_Mori so thoughtfully said, WELCOME!

I hope you find and have as great of an experience here as this is a global family. Since I do not have any family nor friends, this place is so darn nice, kind and caring and I wish the same for you also.

Have a great Sunday and upcoming week filled with all the love and caring of SaSu.

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine that must be dreadful what you go through, it's cruel to me how people have to suffer so much in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[emma99]

hoping that your day is better than mine.

I just wanted to share my story so people get to know me and trust me more. Would be nice to unlock the personal messaging feature.

I am 34 years old female and consider myself lucky, my life was interesting and full of adventures.

I work in IT and used to travel a lot, lived in different countries. Once had a long relationship, some short term romantic flings.

Unfortunately, I have a history with recreational drugs and probably that is why I have been diagnosed with chronic mental illness - schizoaffective disorder. Some days are better, some days are worse. Sometimes I get very intense psychotic episodes and have to be closed off in a psych ward.

My life is in ruins since then. No partner, no friends. My career is ending and probably soon I will have to start working in a factory or similar. I live alone, most of the days I try to game or similar to distract my brain.

Due to medication, I gained 10kg, and my hair is falling out. I became ugly.

Each morning I wake up with panic and anxiety attacks. I wish I never experimented with recreational drugs. Maybe my life would be normal and happy now.

My father is an aggressive alcoholic, my mom has her own problems and disabilities too.

It is very difficult to admit that my life has no future left. I used to be positive and was trying my best to succeed. But now it's just over.

I am researching suicide methods daily. That's the only thing that gives me hope and reduces my anxiety. It feels nice to know that there are options to end the suffering, even though these methods aren't simple or easily accessible.

Sorry for the long post.

Its quite possible that everything your experiencing is from the medications.

When I was a full blown Drug Addict, I ended up in a psyc ward,
and it wasn't the first time, but this time was when i was in Poland.
and in Poland then still use bed straps.
and i was strapped down a few times, and then the last time i was strapped down,
I was assaulted by another patient, and physically could not defend myself.
A|d that was the wake up call, that oh shit, what am i doing taking drugs.

I was now clean, but i was deemed to be a schizophrenic.
I was having Night Terrors. sleep apnea , where i was frozen in my bed
and being attacked by demons.

in the day my eyes would joust randomly stop working and roll up,
my eye would roll up, and get stuck.

I could no longer get a partner.
everything had gone to hell.

I stopped taking the medications,
did some research which told me
what vitamins and supplements
to take to help in the withdrawals.

I suffered severe insomnia, brutal hallucination.
I was carrying a knife around in my pocket.

and after a year, things slowed down, and after a second year all that shit more or less stopped
and whatever schizophrenia i had left, i found i could manage, by keeping my stress levels low.