Story my story

[ZYSLBdeliverance]

hey. making this post because my life may come to an end soon, so i wanted to share my.. perspective, here.

suicidal thoughts started coming a few years ago along my sudden depression, but first things first. i found this site from the Tantacrul video but that's not what i came to talk about.

i don't live a bad life. that's not the issue. my decision is just selfish, because i was given everything and i can't reciprocate. aside from some disagreements, that show in any relationship, i love my family and they love me. i have a cat that is the best little fella. i'll miss him. i've been in a LDR for about 6 months, i hate myself for leaving her this way before even having the chance to meet. a few years back i started being depressed. wasn't caused by something, it just happened and that's probably where it all started going downhill. i've made several attempts to get better, but even when it seems to start getting better, it's just momentarily and eventually i feel like shit again. i'm pretty sure it's come to a point where my life is too messed up and it's not getting any better.

the method i decided on was drowning. i'd start swimming aimlessly towards the deepest side of the lake, and eventually be too exhausted to continue. the very low temperature of the water should help by reaching some state of hypothermia that could cause confusion, tiredness, etc. i'm open to receive information regarding this method. i also made a note i'll leave by the shore with my phone and any clothings i take off. i won't share what i wrote on the note. if i end up gaining the courage to do it, it'll be within the next days.

i know. i'm selfish, a coward and an asshole. more too. but ending it will mean not bringing any more negative energy to those around me.

 

[neverwashere]

hey man, it sounds like you're really going through a lot. I don't know you personally so I feel like I can't say much but I can say one thing-- you aren't selfish for feeling this way, nor are you selfish for wanting to go through with something like taking your own life. I know how hard it gets sometimes, and I completely understand where youre coming from.

As for your method, I would reconsider. Not only is drowning one of the most painful methods I can think of, it's also super easy to get "saved" by someone. Also I can say first hand that your SI (survival instinct) will kick in and refuse to let you drown. Even though you might be convinced that you want this as you're swimming out, the second that you start to drown your brain will kick into overdrive and force you to swim up- or at least try to, which can not only make your death even more painful but draw more attention to you.

Like I said before, I don't know you personally so I might be completely wrong when I say this, but the fact that you'll miss your cat and that you love your family presents the possibility that you might not even want to really die in the first place. I say this because I was once told that (some) suicidal people don't really want to die; they just want something in their lives to change, but they don't see it happening. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, so I'm sorry if thats how I'm coming across, but usually people don't openly say that they're planning to CTB if they're super serious about it. I know from my own past attempts and from one of my friends who took his life a few years back. He made no indication that he was going to do something like that, even though in the past he would vent to me about how he's thinking about it and never ends up going through - even if he had a plan.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that this feels like a cry for help more than anything else. You feel like you still have things to live for, you still have emotional attatchments to people, but you don't want to suffer anymore. You don't want to feel the pain that comes with being alive. And that is okay. However, I will ask you this- when you joined this forum, were you maybe hoping that someone would tell you to not do it? or maybe you were hoping that someone will convince you to do it, like tantracul implied people do on this forum in his video?

 

[DesperateOne]

hey man, it sounds like you're really going through a lot. I don't know you personally so I feel like I can't say much but I can say one thing-- you aren't selfish for feeling this way, nor are you selfish for wanting to go through with something like taking your own life. I know how hard it gets sometimes, and I completely understand where youre coming from.

As for your method, I would reconsider. Not only is drowning one of the most painful methods I can think of, it's also super easy to get "saved" by someone. Also I can say first hand that your SI (survival instinct) will kick in and refuse to let you drown. Even though you might be convinced that you want this as you're swimming out, the second that you start to drown your brain will kick into overdrive and force you to swim up- or at least try to, which can not only make your death even more painful but draw more attention to you.

Like I said before, I don't know you personally so I might be completely wrong when I say this, but the fact that you'll miss your cat and that you love your family presents the possibility that you might not even want to really die in the first place. I say this because I was once told that (some) suicidal people don't really want to die; they just want something in their lives to change, but they don't see it happening. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, so I'm sorry if thats how I'm coming across, but usually people don't openly say that they're planning to CTB if they're super serious about it. I know from my own past attempts and from one of my friends who took his life a few years back. He made no indication that he was going to do something like that, even though in the past he would vent to me about how he's thinking about it and never ends up going through - even if he had a plan.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that this feels like a cry for help more than anything else. You feel like you still have things to live for, you still have emotional attatchments to people, but you don't want to suffer anymore. You don't want to feel the pain that comes with being alive. And that is okay. However, I will ask you this- when you joined this forum, were you maybe hoping that someone would tell you to not do it? or maybe you were hoping that someone will convince you to do it, like tantracul implied people do on this forum in his video?

This. I know every pro lifer says this, but there are people on this website (including myself) that have it 100x worse than you and would trade anything for it so please don't give up just yet and especially not so quickly. Experiment with SSRI's (there are a ton of different ones and different combinations). My dad is on them and it has saved him from some serious shit. If you have the energy try changing diet, exercise, spend more time with people, lift weights, go in nature etc... these are all of the things that are proven to help. If nothing changes even with experimentation with SSRI's then go with your plan. Also, like neverwashere said drowning is terrifying so try going for a different method.

 

[neverwashere]

This. I know every pro lifer says this, but there are people on this website (including myself) that have it 100x worse than you and would trade anything for it so please don't give up just yet and especially not so quickly. Experiment with SSRI's (there are a ton of different ones and different combinations). My dad is on them and it has saved him from some serious shit. If you have the energy try changing diet, exercise, spend more time with people, lift weights, go in nature etc... these are all of the things that are proven to help. If nothing changes even with experimentation with SSRI's then go with your plan. Also, like neverwashere said drowning is terrifying so try going for a different method.

I'm so glad someone agrees with me! I was worried I was being too "pro-life"y,so it's good to know that I'm not spewing nonsense lmao

Anyways, I agree with DesperateOne, you should for sure try out SSRI's and maybe even consider an inpatient program. (I don't know what country you're based in, but at least in the part of the US I'm from, the hospital programs aren't half bad and do actually help to a degree. The only downside with the one I went to is that they didn't let anyone go outside, but the arts and crafts made up for it!)

And, to be completely honest with you, medications and hospitalizations will only help so much. You're the only one who can help yourself, and you have to actually *want* help to get better. I'm on antidepressants and I've been hospitalized in the past, but I haven't been actively working on my mental health lately, which is causing me to spiral again. Its extremely difficult and exhausting to always have to be putting in work, but there are times where I can tell that its paying off.

I also wanna add on to something I said at the end of my initial reply-- if you came here to be convinced to do it/not do it, that means that you, subconsciously, don't want to die at all. There's nothing wrong with that.
Despite what media and your life experiences may have led you to believe, suicide isn't the only way out, albeit a valid one. The way I see it, taking your own life should only be your last and final measure, when you *truly* have nothing else you can do and no one else to turn to.
Contrary to what some people may say on this website, suicide is a tragedy. Any death is. There are some that are unfortunately necessary, and there are some- like yours- that aren't.

If you're still super set on doing it soon even after all that, hold off on your plans for a few weeks. If you have a due date set, delay it till next month. I can almost guarantee you that you'll have changed your mind about all of this by then

 

[Life Is My Coffin]

the method i decided on was drowning.

Don't do this, Dying this way is insanely painful

 

[ZYSLBdeliverance]

hey man, it sounds like you're really going through a lot. I don't know you personally so I feel like I can't say much but I can say one thing-- you aren't selfish for feeling this way, nor are you selfish for wanting to go through with something like taking your own life. I know how hard it gets sometimes, and I completely understand where youre coming from.

As for your method, I would reconsider. Not only is drowning one of the most painful methods I can think of, it's also super easy to get "saved" by someone. Also I can say first hand that your SI (survival instinct) will kick in and refuse to let you drown. Even though you might be convinced that you want this as you're swimming out, the second that you start to drown your brain will kick into overdrive and force you to swim up- or at least try to, which can not only make your death even more painful but draw more attention to you.

Like I said before, I don't know you personally so I might be completely wrong when I say this, but the fact that you'll miss your cat and that you love your family presents the possibility that you might not even want to really die in the first place. I say this because I was once told that (some) suicidal people don't really want to die; they just want something in their lives to change, but they don't see it happening. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, so I'm sorry if thats how I'm coming across, but usually people don't openly say that they're planning to CTB if they're super serious about it. I know from my own past attempts and from one of my friends who took his life a few years back. He made no indication that he was going to do something like that, even though in the past he would vent to me about how he's thinking about it and never ends up going through - even if he had a plan.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that this feels like a cry for help more than anything else. You feel like you still have things to live for, you still have emotional attatchments to people, but you don't want to suffer anymore. You don't want to feel the pain that comes with being alive. And that is okay. However, I will ask you this- when you joined this forum, were you maybe hoping that someone would tell you to not do it? or maybe you were hoping that someone will convince you to do it, like tantracul implied people do on this forum in his video?

sorry for late reply, but i had to spend some time thinking. i'll answer some stuff from what i thought about.

i didn't say i was selfish because i wanted to die. i'm selfish because i have everything i could ever wish for, even more than i deserve, and still consider this path, which leads to causing pain to those who care about me.

about the method, i'll add a few more details about it. when i dive into the water, i won't just try to drown near the shore, that'd be impossible (for me). i'll start swimming towards the other side of the lake, which is 7km+ away (way beyond my physical abilities). the point i'll probably reach will be at least 100m deep. my plan is to swim towards the other side and eventually be too tired to continue, meaning i won't be able to reach the other side neither come back to where i started, even if i tried. i won't even try to drown myself, at some point i just won't be able stay afloat. getting saved is probably not a possibility, since at this time of the year the water is still VERY cold so barely anyone goles to the beach, and life guards aren't really a thing here. about the pain part, that doesn't help. but it won't hurt for long and, if anything, i deserve it.

about still wanting to live.. i don't know, maybe. i only shared this here because it's anonymous, i've never told anyone my intentions irl, don't plan on doing so. there's still a shit ton of stuff i want to do, try out. but i'm in a terrible spot right now as previously mentioned, and this is the only alternative i can think will ease it all. maybe you're right, i don't even want to die, but i do not wish to carry on.

 

[vuberpoot1]

about still wanting to live.. i don't know, maybe. i only shared this here because it's anonymous, i've never told anyone my intentions irl, don't plan on doing so. there's still a shit ton of stuff i want to do, try out. but i'm in a terrible spot right now as previously mentioned, and this is the only alternative i can think will ease it all. maybe you're right, i don't even want to die, but i do not wish to carry on.

I can't speak for everyone else on the forum, but I have hope for you. Pretty much everyone here can agree that living sucks, and that's basically a fact. None of us wanted to feel this way, but we do, you know? Even some of the guys on here that have everything you'd think a person would want- money, success, loyalty, good relationships, family, hobbies- want to ctb, and that is okay. Everyone has their own reasons, their own feelings, their own things going on.

But, I don't think it's over for you yet. Maybe you're gonna read this and think I'm some dumbass on the internet that doesn't know anything, and maybe I am, but I think there's a glimmer in your life that hasn't completely faded away. I think you have a chance to make something good of that, cultivating something special in your future. If you keep going through the motions long enough, you might find the reason you were looking for to keep moving forward. That goes to say, you're also not obligated to. Your life is yours, and no one has the right to decide what you do with it, except yourself. It's all your choice, but I would implore you to think and feel it a bit more before coming to a decision.