Story My story

[deadbody]

I want to share my story. Sorry if this post is too long, I feel the need to speak out otherwise it will continue to eat me up inside.

I live with an abusive mother. She and my father divorced because she cheated when I was a child. And I stayed to live with her. And it poisons my life. Unfortunately, I can't live separately yet, but I hope next year everything will change.

I have a memory that is mostly hazy and unclear, but the emotions I felt remain painfully clear. I was a child and didn't want to go to some event I was attending. And this made my mother incredibly angry. She started hitting me hard and insulting. I remember the fear that gripped me, the blood, the pain and my screams. I don't remember what saved me, but I survived.

Since then, I have continued to have strange behavior - I can suddenly jump up or start shaking when someone speaks to me in a loud voice. And I began to be afraid of unexpected touches, but this is gradually going away.

These days, my mother's favorite tactic instead of beating is to ignore me completely. I recently cut my hair short and she didn't like it. She said, "You used to have such long and good hair, you were a very beautiful girl, but now you have become an ugly person." Absolutely the same story with piercings.

She just doesn't understand that I'm a person with my own opinion and can do whatever I want with myself. This puts incredible pressure on me, and my suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes have become much more frequent. I think that if I kill myself, then my mother will lose the person over whom she feels power and this will upset her. What will upset her is not my death, but the fact that she no longer has anyone to mock.

Thanks for reading. I would be very glad to read your words of support, I think this is what I need now. Sorry if this looks pathetic and inappropriate.

 

[sad_rock]

recently cut my hair short and she didn't like it. She said, "You used to have such long and good hair, you were a very beautiful girl, but now you have become an ugly person."

I'm sorry that your mom didn't accept you for who you are unconditionally. For her to call you ugly when you were finding yourself is heartbreaking.

I think that if I kill myself, then my mother will lose the person over whom she feels power and this will upset her. What will upset me is not my death, but the fact that she no longer has anyone to mock.

For suicide to be your resort for a sense of agency, I'm sorry. Abusive parents make us feel powerless to the extent that suicide is seen as the final resort for victims to regain a sense of control amidst the chaos. I'm sorry that your mothers abuse has led you to seek suicide as an escape.
Also, no need to apologize. To endure abuse alone for a long time takes a toll on the individual. I hope things will get better for you and that you no longer have to stay with your abusive mother <3

 

[deadbody]

I'm sorry that your mom didn't accept you for who you are unconditionally. For her to call you ugly when you were finding yourself is heartbreaking.

For suicide to be your resort for a sense of agency, I'm sorry. Abusive parents make us feel powerless to the extent that suicide is seen as the final resort for victims to regain a sense of control amidst the chaos. I'm sorry that your mothers abuse has led you to seek suicide as an escape.
Also, no need to apologize. To endure abuse alone for a long time takes a toll on the individual. I hope things will get better for you and that you no longer have to stay with your abusive mother <3
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Thank you for your kind words!

I agree with what you said about abusive parents. I don't understand what makes them behave this way. If you decided to have a child to abuse it and not to love, then there is clearly something wrong with you. And when such a child commits suicide, these hypocritical people cry the loudest in public. But they're not really sorry. If they truly cared about their child, they would not have driven it to suicide.

 

[tiger b]

I am saddened to hear of your experiences, but happy you are here to tell the tale.

You say what you say with clarity, and I think you try and understand the whole picture, even if some of it defies logic. And there is often very little logic to reactionary people.

The Twits by Roald Dahl, of all things, expresses what an ugly person is. I'm not going to even say you're not one - you know that already.

You've clearly been through a bucketload of pain but yet I think you've quite a bit of determination there. I hope when you are inevitably away, you can rebuild yourself as best you can, if that is what you want/need.

The hardest thing to totally believe, in my opinion, is 'It's not your fault'. I'm still working on it.

Rooting for you, no matter the path you take.

 

[deadbody]

The hardest thing to totally believe, in my opinion, is 'It's not your fault'.

Yes, I can't get rid of this thought that it's all my fault. That I am not behaving the way my mother would like and that I am ruining her expectations.

Thank you for kind words too. It is amazing for me to meet your understanding and support. I used to think that I didn't deserve this.

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

So sorry youre stuck with such a narcissistic and transphobic parent. The stuff above sounds like a truama response and its definitely not pathetic. I hope stuff gets better and ur able to move out and get help once ur older. Sending love ur way man hope stuff gets better soon

 

[slanabhaile]

I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. I agree with the other people who have replied before me; this sounds like a response to very severe trauma from someone that should be there to protect you.

You sound like an incredibly kind person going through the toughest of times. As you said, hopefully next year you will be able to get away from her and have a fresh start.

 

[tiger b]

Yes, I can't get rid of this thought that it's all my fault. That I am not behaving the way my mother would like and that I am ruining her expectations.

Thank you for kind words too. It is amazing for me to meet your understanding and support. I used to think that I didn't deserve this.

I'm glad you said 'used to'! Oh the force is strong in this one and maybe that's why.

 

[deadbody]

hope stuff gets better soon

You sound like an incredibly kind person going through the toughest of times. As you said, hopefully next year you will be able to get away from her and have a fresh start.

Oh, much thanks! I hope on best too. I recently wrote to my friend who lives in another city. He said that I could move in with him.
I hope I can hold out before this time. My friend is literally my only hope right now.

 

[In-between]

I want to share my story. Sorry if this post is too long, I feel the need to speak out otherwise it will continue to eat me up inside.

I live with an abusive mother. She and my father divorced because she cheated when I was a child. And I stayed to live with her. And it poisons my life. Unfortunately, I can't live separately yet, but I hope next year everything will change.

I have a memory that is mostly hazy and unclear, but the emotions I felt remain painfully clear. I was a child and didn't want to go to some event I was attending. And this made my mother incredibly angry. She started hitting me hard and insulting. I remember the fear that gripped me, the blood, the pain and my screams. I don't remember what saved me, but I survived.

Since then, I have continued to have strange behavior - I can suddenly jump up or start shaking when someone speaks to me in a loud voice. And I began to be afraid of unexpected touches, but this is gradually going away.

These days, my mother's favorite tactic instead of beating is to ignore me completely. I recently cut my hair short and she didn't like it. She said, "You used to have such long and good hair, you were a very beautiful girl, but now you have become an ugly person." Absolutely the same story with piercings.

She just doesn't understand that I'm a person with my own opinion and can do whatever I want with myself. This puts incredible pressure on me, and my suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes have become much more frequent. I think that if I kill myself, then my mother will lose the person over whom she feels power and this will upset her. What will upset her is not my death, but the fact that she no longer has anyone to mock.

Thanks for reading. I would be very glad to read your words of support, I think this is what I need now. Sorry if this looks pathetic and inappropriate.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I can relate and empathise a lot. My mum died a while back but we had a tough relationship from my teens. We were at least close when I was little as we banded together against my dad's violence, but then she turned on me.

I notice the hang ups I have about my body are mostly the bits my mum picked on. It's easier for me because I stopped living with her a long time ago and she's not around anymore, but I see it as a good thing when I notice the root of those thoughts…'hey, my parents said I was fat, is that where this is coming from?'.

I've been harmed by a lot of people and I know it might sound superficial, but I hope to not give them further power by continuing their abuse on myself. I wasn't born hating myself and as a mum, I can say I've seen how trusting and self-confident babies are before negativity infiltrates their lives.

I bet your hair and piercings look awesome and loads of people will think that, including strangers who don't tell you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful being around someone like that, it's horrible how many humans are so cruel and just create more suffering. But anyway best wishes.