Story My story with SS and SN

[alivefornow]

I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for most of my teenage and adult life. I will turn 28 in December.

I became permanently suicidal towards the end of last year. I found Sanctioned Suicide while searching for suicide forums. I stood on a ledge, tried partial hanging twice, then decided to acquire SN after learning about it from this website.

I contacted some local chemical suppliers and with some effort managed to purchase a bottle of 500g of 99.1% pure SN.

I was going to take it the same day I got my hands on it. I made the mistake of confessing my plan to the cleaning lady, who then told my family, triggering a response which got me located (I went to work with SN in my bag) and put into a psych ward for 4 months.

Now I have to take pills and go to therapy sessions. Switching pill prescriptions got me having panic attacks which sometimes means I can't work.

My life has not amounted to much. I don't feel like I have anything to live for, but I never REALLY tried to kill myself. I just think about it all the time. I live the fantasy of my death in my mind. I fantasize the scene in which I jump, hang or shoot my head a thousand times a day. I wish for an accident to take my life. I see no future in which I am happy or motivated to keep living. I wish I could be given a lethal injection because I am in great pain, but some hurts only show on the inside. As far as most people are concerned, I am fine.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Sorry for everything that's happened till now. Staying in a psych ward for that long must've been very difficult and it's a reminder for me why I will never ever tell anyone about my plans with SN as well as I've acquired everything needed for it so I'm just living on borrowed time, to tell anyone now would absolutely jeopardize everything I've worked for, the courage to get everything I need and hours spent on this forum and outside of it researching this method so I can understand as much as I could about what I was getting into.

Being in a constant loop of imagining yourself ctb in various ways sounds like torture, something I'm all too familiar with and I'm sure others here are too but don't worry, glad you've found time to share such sensitive and personal thoughts with us all. I personally also don't see any reason the future is a place I want to even be part of.

 

[Old Friend]

A 4 month stretch, Jesus.

I'm definitely not telling anyone if I get sn. I wasn't going to anyway but this reaffirms my conviction.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

A 4 month stretch, Jesus.

I'm definitely not telling anyone if I get sn. I wasn't going to anyway but this reaffirms my conviction.

Yeah, you absolutely cannot risk it because you just don't know how things could get worse after that and they absolutely will.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it beyond cruel how we exist in this society where suicidal people are punished simply for wanting to die. It's horrible how people cannot easily die in peace and are just expected to suffer instead, it must had been so awful and tiring what you've been through.

 

[Duality]

I'm sorry you spent 4 months in a psych ward. I think the most time I spent in one was ~2 weeks when I was younger, and I also made the mistake of telling someone about my plans.

The most I can offer is that I understand and can sympathize with everything that you're saying. Thankfully you at least have a space here to safely vent and to freely discuss your story & plans.