RABITIA
New Member
- Jul 21, 2024
- 1
First I want to apologize for my English since it's not my native language, I'm from a eastern european country.
I will make this thread because I like the thought of my story being out there on the internet while I'm gone from this world.
It all started when I was born in a poor village in eastern Europe, I started getting praised as a child because I had blue eyes and blond hair which is kinda rare in my country and considered desirable traits especially by older people here.
Everything makes a turn to the worse when I started getting older than 6 years since I was a very shy kid and hated being away from my mother, I would start crying immediately.
People in my country are very traditional and being a shy as a boy and crying a lot is seen as feminine and undesirable so my family and my cousins often made fun of me and called me weird. As if it was my fault that my brain was wired that way as a child, I didn't got to choose my brain chemistry.
We were very poor since my father had a progressive neurological disease so he couldn't work and my mother had to take care of him. We had to survive with 100€ monthly which all went mostly to my fathers medicaments, if our family didn't help us with money we wouldn't had even something to eat.
Seeing other kids having good clothes, good phones and so on made me sad and I felt judged, I also hated how people pitied me and my family.
My fathers disease got worse and worse every year till he got bedridden, couldn't walk even a little like he walked before. That's where the abuse of my mother started, every morning I heard her curse him while cleaning him and yelling at him, every day. She treated him like a complete subhuman while acting pure and like a good human to other people, she even bragged about how much she cares about him.
Seeing my father suffer so much and my mom abuse him traumatized me a lot.
It didn't help that my face got very unattractive during puberty and I got bullied for it even by people I considered friends, I even heard one of my family members call me 'very ugly' behind my back, this traumatized me even more.
Now to my brother. He always had aggression problems and used to get involved in physical fights with random people a lot. He beat me up a lot but it was never that bad since I didn't got permanent demage from it so I could deal with it somehow till one day when everything changed, he hit me so hard behind my head lots of times till my eardrums busted. Thankfully one eardrums healed from alone completely but the other didn't and I lost 50% of my hearing in one ear. This made socializing 100 times harder considering I had anxiety and depression even before this.
The reason why he hit me? Because I was playing a game on my phone and he thought I was to lazy ( I came from big hiking trip the day before so I was tired of course). Sad but unfortunately it's true.
My mother and most of my family took his side because well he's more attractive than me, jacked and is more social so they like him more while I'm just a loser in their eyes.
I was very depressed and suicidal after all that till my life started to improve a little since I got a job from a western company that I could do from home (costumer service). This boosted my mood a little and I started looking into working out, I did it for a few months successfully till I got food poisoning (to this day I don't know from what since I boiled and cooked everything).
I thought it will go away like most food poisonings do after a week or so but it didn't so I went to a doctor which prescribed me antibiotics and other medicaments, I was hopeful that they would work but they didn't. I tried to go to different doctors but they couldn't help me aswell.
Every day I have stomach noises, diarrhea, and very bad stomach pain for a year now. I tried everything, researched everything but nothing helped.
The only reason why I haven't ended it all yet is that I'm religious despite all the suffering I endured, maybe it sounds weird but for some reason I can feel that God is there and I'm scared to go to hell.
Every day I pray to God and I often ask him to forgive me when I decide to end it all since it's a very big sin in my religion.
I will end it all by hanging myself in the near future if nothing gets better most likely.
I didn't do this thread to get pity from people here because it won't help my anyway so it dosnt matter. I just like the feeling of knowing my story is out there on the internet for some weird reason.
Maybe a controversial opinion here but it's very very hard for me to understand how people can cbt when they aren't in physical pain, got severely abused or disabled since I know for a fact I would have never considered to cbt if I didn't experience those things.
Also I want to say that I never really hated myself for all this because I understand that it's not my fault at all, the factors that make my life so bad were all outside my control.
I will make this thread because I like the thought of my story being out there on the internet while I'm gone from this world.
It all started when I was born in a poor village in eastern Europe, I started getting praised as a child because I had blue eyes and blond hair which is kinda rare in my country and considered desirable traits especially by older people here.
Everything makes a turn to the worse when I started getting older than 6 years since I was a very shy kid and hated being away from my mother, I would start crying immediately.
People in my country are very traditional and being a shy as a boy and crying a lot is seen as feminine and undesirable so my family and my cousins often made fun of me and called me weird. As if it was my fault that my brain was wired that way as a child, I didn't got to choose my brain chemistry.
We were very poor since my father had a progressive neurological disease so he couldn't work and my mother had to take care of him. We had to survive with 100€ monthly which all went mostly to my fathers medicaments, if our family didn't help us with money we wouldn't had even something to eat.
Seeing other kids having good clothes, good phones and so on made me sad and I felt judged, I also hated how people pitied me and my family.
My fathers disease got worse and worse every year till he got bedridden, couldn't walk even a little like he walked before. That's where the abuse of my mother started, every morning I heard her curse him while cleaning him and yelling at him, every day. She treated him like a complete subhuman while acting pure and like a good human to other people, she even bragged about how much she cares about him.
Seeing my father suffer so much and my mom abuse him traumatized me a lot.
It didn't help that my face got very unattractive during puberty and I got bullied for it even by people I considered friends, I even heard one of my family members call me 'very ugly' behind my back, this traumatized me even more.
Now to my brother. He always had aggression problems and used to get involved in physical fights with random people a lot. He beat me up a lot but it was never that bad since I didn't got permanent demage from it so I could deal with it somehow till one day when everything changed, he hit me so hard behind my head lots of times till my eardrums busted. Thankfully one eardrums healed from alone completely but the other didn't and I lost 50% of my hearing in one ear. This made socializing 100 times harder considering I had anxiety and depression even before this.
The reason why he hit me? Because I was playing a game on my phone and he thought I was to lazy ( I came from big hiking trip the day before so I was tired of course). Sad but unfortunately it's true.
My mother and most of my family took his side because well he's more attractive than me, jacked and is more social so they like him more while I'm just a loser in their eyes.
I was very depressed and suicidal after all that till my life started to improve a little since I got a job from a western company that I could do from home (costumer service). This boosted my mood a little and I started looking into working out, I did it for a few months successfully till I got food poisoning (to this day I don't know from what since I boiled and cooked everything).
I thought it will go away like most food poisonings do after a week or so but it didn't so I went to a doctor which prescribed me antibiotics and other medicaments, I was hopeful that they would work but they didn't. I tried to go to different doctors but they couldn't help me aswell.
Every day I have stomach noises, diarrhea, and very bad stomach pain for a year now. I tried everything, researched everything but nothing helped.
The only reason why I haven't ended it all yet is that I'm religious despite all the suffering I endured, maybe it sounds weird but for some reason I can feel that God is there and I'm scared to go to hell.
Every day I pray to God and I often ask him to forgive me when I decide to end it all since it's a very big sin in my religion.
I will end it all by hanging myself in the near future if nothing gets better most likely.
I didn't do this thread to get pity from people here because it won't help my anyway so it dosnt matter. I just like the feeling of knowing my story is out there on the internet for some weird reason.
Maybe a controversial opinion here but it's very very hard for me to understand how people can cbt when they aren't in physical pain, got severely abused or disabled since I know for a fact I would have never considered to cbt if I didn't experience those things.
Also I want to say that I never really hated myself for all this because I understand that it's not my fault at all, the factors that make my life so bad were all outside my control.
