Freaknik
Member
- Nov 12, 2023
- 14
I've recently discovered this forum and, after lurking for a bit, decided to make an account. I would like to start by just posting my initial feelings and get my suicidal ideation off my chest, as my thoughts have practically been eating me alive lately. I thank anyone who reads this through and has the time to respond.
To begin, I was diagnosed with depression at 11 years old — but suffered from signs earlier — and have been on medication ever since. (The anti-depressants worked at first, but have slowly began wear off and, now, have no effect on me at all, even after increasing my dosage.) My depressive thoughts and anxiety continued to surge during elementary and middle school, leaving me feeling isolated and alone. A feeling of hopelessness always festered within me, typically stemming from neglect, some bullying, abandonment issues, and just overall disappointment in my life.
High School is when I began a journey down a very dark path. Both my freshmen and sophomore years were uneventful, but I was surprisingly content during this time. Though, just as my 10th grade year began to finish up, anxiety seeped back into my life and managed to get the best of me, leading me to relapse back into a major depressive state. My Junior and Senior year is when it really hit me; I saw everyone around me leading fulfilling lives — partaking in relationships, building a path for a bright future — and realized I I had none of this. I've had relationships in the past, but they have never been too serious. At this time in my life, I became very lonely once again, but fortunately began talking to a girl who seemed to have an interest in me. She was flirting with me a bit, and more signs that she wanted something became clear to me. So, with this in mind, I took a shot and expressed my feelings to her. Though, to my surprise, she severely rejected me. After this bruise to my ego, I hoped to at least remain friends, as she was genuinely a fun person to hang around, but she began to ignore me all together and avoided me at all costs, despite me wanting to leave things on a good note. This cemented the first aspect of my downfall - the constant rejection by women in my life, with this experience specifically being the most brutal by far.
As Senior year progressed, I became more isolated and kept to myself. I barely expressed my feelings to anyone and honestly began to contemplate taking my own life, as I did not see a future for myself and became numb to activities I once enjoyed. I also began to suffer from Body Dysmorphia at this time, which only furthered my mental heath problems. Being male, it is extremely tough to bring up my insecurities to people without them criticizing me, as body image is, more often than not, labeled as a female-specific problem, despite it being able to plague anyone. In all honesty, I am disgusted by my appearance and place it as one of the major aspects holding me back in life. I've definitely considered plastic surgery but, even then, I would still be followed by self-doubting thoughts for the rest of my life.
The last piece of the puzzle is my emotional problems, which I struggle with on a daily basis. As stated before, I have abandonment issues and have dealt with neglect throughout my life, which has ironically led me to be, decidedly, more isolated than ever. I desperately want to connect with people, but I find it hard to relate when the minds of others are so clear, and they seemingly have everything handed to them on a silver platter. The few people I have connected with, I am very grateful for. These individuals add some layer of meaning to my life. Though, there is still something inside me that leaves me dissatisfied and disappointed.
With these factors in mind, each day has become a struggle for me. I have left out a majority of my previous problems, but I have described the ones that, I feel, currently drag me down and cause the most anguish. I'm at a crossroads in life and have no idea wether to continue on my journey or leave everyone behind. Everything has been an uphill battle and I have a severe lack of motivation to, not only continue, but practically do anything in life. Just when I believe everything might work out, the universe rips it out of my palms and leaves me on my own. I have missed out on so many opportunities in my life due to my mental problems, and feel that I'm too far behind in life to ever catch up. I'm already behind in the race, so why not go out on my own terms? All I am looking for is an escape from this world - which could be an afterlife, or pure nothingness. Either way, I would finally be at peace.
*Again, thanks for reading my ramblings. This is one long entry, and is probably a borderline "incoherent rant" but I needed a place to finally express my feelings. I hope some of you can relate and avoid feeling alone in this battle. A special thanks to all those who make this site a comforting place.
To begin, I was diagnosed with depression at 11 years old — but suffered from signs earlier — and have been on medication ever since. (The anti-depressants worked at first, but have slowly began wear off and, now, have no effect on me at all, even after increasing my dosage.) My depressive thoughts and anxiety continued to surge during elementary and middle school, leaving me feeling isolated and alone. A feeling of hopelessness always festered within me, typically stemming from neglect, some bullying, abandonment issues, and just overall disappointment in my life.
High School is when I began a journey down a very dark path. Both my freshmen and sophomore years were uneventful, but I was surprisingly content during this time. Though, just as my 10th grade year began to finish up, anxiety seeped back into my life and managed to get the best of me, leading me to relapse back into a major depressive state. My Junior and Senior year is when it really hit me; I saw everyone around me leading fulfilling lives — partaking in relationships, building a path for a bright future — and realized I I had none of this. I've had relationships in the past, but they have never been too serious. At this time in my life, I became very lonely once again, but fortunately began talking to a girl who seemed to have an interest in me. She was flirting with me a bit, and more signs that she wanted something became clear to me. So, with this in mind, I took a shot and expressed my feelings to her. Though, to my surprise, she severely rejected me. After this bruise to my ego, I hoped to at least remain friends, as she was genuinely a fun person to hang around, but she began to ignore me all together and avoided me at all costs, despite me wanting to leave things on a good note. This cemented the first aspect of my downfall - the constant rejection by women in my life, with this experience specifically being the most brutal by far.
As Senior year progressed, I became more isolated and kept to myself. I barely expressed my feelings to anyone and honestly began to contemplate taking my own life, as I did not see a future for myself and became numb to activities I once enjoyed. I also began to suffer from Body Dysmorphia at this time, which only furthered my mental heath problems. Being male, it is extremely tough to bring up my insecurities to people without them criticizing me, as body image is, more often than not, labeled as a female-specific problem, despite it being able to plague anyone. In all honesty, I am disgusted by my appearance and place it as one of the major aspects holding me back in life. I've definitely considered plastic surgery but, even then, I would still be followed by self-doubting thoughts for the rest of my life.
The last piece of the puzzle is my emotional problems, which I struggle with on a daily basis. As stated before, I have abandonment issues and have dealt with neglect throughout my life, which has ironically led me to be, decidedly, more isolated than ever. I desperately want to connect with people, but I find it hard to relate when the minds of others are so clear, and they seemingly have everything handed to them on a silver platter. The few people I have connected with, I am very grateful for. These individuals add some layer of meaning to my life. Though, there is still something inside me that leaves me dissatisfied and disappointed.
With these factors in mind, each day has become a struggle for me. I have left out a majority of my previous problems, but I have described the ones that, I feel, currently drag me down and cause the most anguish. I'm at a crossroads in life and have no idea wether to continue on my journey or leave everyone behind. Everything has been an uphill battle and I have a severe lack of motivation to, not only continue, but practically do anything in life. Just when I believe everything might work out, the universe rips it out of my palms and leaves me on my own. I have missed out on so many opportunities in my life due to my mental problems, and feel that I'm too far behind in life to ever catch up. I'm already behind in the race, so why not go out on my own terms? All I am looking for is an escape from this world - which could be an afterlife, or pure nothingness. Either way, I would finally be at peace.
*Again, thanks for reading my ramblings. This is one long entry, and is probably a borderline "incoherent rant" but I needed a place to finally express my feelings. I hope some of you can relate and avoid feeling alone in this battle. A special thanks to all those who make this site a comforting place.
