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Glaski
Member
- Jan 3, 2020
- 33
There is no other place I can tell this story, I'm not expecting anyone to read it. Just the act of typing it out is cathartic.
I had a unsuccessful attempt about 7 years ago, it's not that I didn't have plans; I just lost control one night and tried to rush it. I woke up in the hospital alone, after 5 days of being out. The only company I had was a nurse with tears in her eyes as she handed me divorce papers from my ex wife. She was upset because I found out she cheated on me with a principal of a local school, and a judge (that would eventually oversee the case). It was destined to be a slam dunk for her and my attempt gave her the last little bit of ammo she needed. The state ran me through the ringer and took everything I've ever owned including my class ring from high school, my business, house, cars, even my damn blanket. I spent the next 4 years living with what I could carry, eating what I could find. I avoided cities and developed areas, mindlessly floating through life numb to everything.
Eventually I found comfort in Marijuana, was able to get a good career with excellent pay and bought another house. If I don't smoke at night suicide consumes my mind, making plans and perfecting them for every conceivable circumstance. Out camping? I got a plan. At home? I got a plan. Running a staff meeting? I've got a plan. I can't even imagine a scenario where I die from something other than suicide. I'm just simply incompatible with this world.
I've been rich and poor, in love and hateful, housed and sleeping in the middle of the woods. It's never changed my mindset, I just don't get it.
This obsession in my mind has shaped my whole life, I find myself working so hard for the smallest amount of satisfaction and it never comes. All I want out of life from this point on is to make a positive impact, when I feel that has been done I will finally get some relief and find this elusive bus. I just hope it doesn't take to much longer.
Is it really possible that some people just aren't made to be alive? It feels like a big galactic joke, and I'm the punchline.
I had a unsuccessful attempt about 7 years ago, it's not that I didn't have plans; I just lost control one night and tried to rush it. I woke up in the hospital alone, after 5 days of being out. The only company I had was a nurse with tears in her eyes as she handed me divorce papers from my ex wife. She was upset because I found out she cheated on me with a principal of a local school, and a judge (that would eventually oversee the case). It was destined to be a slam dunk for her and my attempt gave her the last little bit of ammo she needed. The state ran me through the ringer and took everything I've ever owned including my class ring from high school, my business, house, cars, even my damn blanket. I spent the next 4 years living with what I could carry, eating what I could find. I avoided cities and developed areas, mindlessly floating through life numb to everything.
Eventually I found comfort in Marijuana, was able to get a good career with excellent pay and bought another house. If I don't smoke at night suicide consumes my mind, making plans and perfecting them for every conceivable circumstance. Out camping? I got a plan. At home? I got a plan. Running a staff meeting? I've got a plan. I can't even imagine a scenario where I die from something other than suicide. I'm just simply incompatible with this world.
I've been rich and poor, in love and hateful, housed and sleeping in the middle of the woods. It's never changed my mindset, I just don't get it.
This obsession in my mind has shaped my whole life, I find myself working so hard for the smallest amount of satisfaction and it never comes. All I want out of life from this point on is to make a positive impact, when I feel that has been done I will finally get some relief and find this elusive bus. I just hope it doesn't take to much longer.
Is it really possible that some people just aren't made to be alive? It feels like a big galactic joke, and I'm the punchline.