So I'm basically here to talk about my story and discuss why I've come to consider (and even prefer) ctb, as well discuss what's currently going on with my life that makes it difficult.
So ever since I was around 15, I've struggled severely with anxiety, OCD, and depression. The anxiety and OCD combination made it basically impossible to comfortably enjoy anything or concentrate on anything. So, while I had enjoyable times, I was practically always miserable starting at least 15 for some specific reason, because my OCD always latches on to some specific reason that I should feel miserable. This made it functionally impossible to enjoy anything during my school years. Even then, there seemed to be something immediately wrong with my behavior and the way that I tackled responsibilities. I started hitting other kids starting in preschool, had disobedience problems, teased others, was possessive of my friends, etc. This is not something that my friends had in common with me. In addition to this, I did a number of things to my friends even up to college that I highly regret, and believe are behaviors that most people grow out of by that time. I do not know why I had such a level of immaturity.
I started getting premature facial ageing starting at around 20 or 21 years of age. By that time I had been severely hyper-concentrating on various negative things happening in my life, of which I experience the intensity of more than the average person. In previous years I had exercised intensely due to other insecurities with myself, which left me with a very low body fat. Between the ages of 20-22 I was drinking multiple energy drinks per day and barely eating any actual food, while simultaneously being stressed about various things. There doesn't appear to be any way to salvage my facial appearance because it almost looks as if I was addicted to meth for some amount of time (I also have horrible teeth, I started getting insane cavities started at 17 or 18 years of age when I began drinking more soda and becoming lax about brushing). Dentists say this may have been due to taking antidepressants or even something that my mom took while she was pregnant with me.
I didn't take my education seriously whatsoever with my anxiety constantly taking precedence over everything else. I got my degree but was never able to get a job that paid well and instead had to rely on low-paying 'gig' type jobs. I was forever embarrassed to look at myself or take selfies because of my appearance even though I should have still looked young and enjoyed my young adulthood.
I grew up in a household that was strict, but loving, but I squandered everything I was given. The values I was taught weren't particularly good though, as my Dad especially made fun of people who he thought lesser than him (including fat people) which is part of why I became anorexic in the first place, and never regained the fat that I previously had on my face or body. He had a lot of values that I highly disagree with now but that I absorbed during my childhood and teen years. I wish I had been nicer to my friends. I don't even have cheekbones. Seriously, nothing actually redeeming about my face or anything to save it from looking haggard af. To an extent, I think I deserve it though - why was I so cruel to people, ever since I was a child? Why didn't I grow up with it or develop at a normal rate? Even my baby teeth were late to come in and even when I was a child and brushed my teeth for five minutes every night I got cavities. My friends all look the same as in high school and I look like a drug addict thrown out on the streets.
Along with the shitty genetics, bad luck, bad behavior, severe mental systems, and failure in the system, I'm thinking now that I don't belong here as I am. I find myself wishing more and more that I was a "normie" and that I just felt normally most of the time in my life and reacted normally and also had a normal face and life. I absolutely hate everything in my life except my most distant of fond childhood memories which I play in my head often but which cause me great pain.
But of course, like any other person, I am afraid to ctb. I think that OCD presents a strong SI and due to these conditions I also have an extremely emotional side where I feel emotions very strongly, be they good or bad. The truth is, I don't really want to 'get better' because I have messed up my life so royally and can genuinely no longer enjoy it. I have a partner with whom I confided my severe depression who assures me that it's worth it to continue, but I absolutely hate everything. This partner says that I just want to feel better, not disappear, which is true to an extent but this is the case for all people considering SU - the idea is that there is no way to feel better in the way that is needed to continue. This partner knows that I want to "disappear" and made me promise to get a therapist, but I just have no interest in doing any of those things. I have been in and out of therapy since 15, I want a completely different life and brain and face and body. I don't even know that I would redo this life if given the chance to make different choices, I just hate everything about myself. There is no redeeming quality. I feel like if "genetic inferiority" is real, then I am a huge example of it. I wish I could be almost anyone else besides me.
Also, here's the other thing. I bought SN and an anti-emetic and was planning on buying benzos. However, I'm scared of poison and vomiting. For some reason, I specifically dislike the thought of that, and am extremely afraid of my SI kicking it. I like the idea of SN because I believe that SN is the only method by which, if you recover, you have no real chance of being permanently damaged. But for some reason it makes me uneasy. My urge is to do carbon dioxide poisoning even though this can cause permanent damage, but knowing my luck I would survive and half permanent damage. I had a vision of carbon dioxide poisioning during a mushroom trip. I know I hate myself, I know that I also resent the way I grew up, I want to be gone. I have nowhere to even do the CO2 if I did it because I have to move back in with my partner's family due to not being able to support us anymore due to a mental breakdown.
I have definitely failed and I just do not care for the idea of picking myself back up because the things that I messed up on are so utterly irreperable and in a way I almost believe it was fated to happen. I'm also afraid of SI and losing my ego but I can't stand anything. It's like a personal hell where my blood pressure is always reasied and circling and circling over and over.
Sometimes I get excited about SI and other times sad. I feel like it's a waste of my life that I should have been able happen. If I could relive my life and make different choices, maybe I would? But I'm not even 100% sure of that. I honestly do like the concept of living but I don't like the execution at all and simply haven't been able to enjoy myself.
So ever since I was around 15, I've struggled severely with anxiety, OCD, and depression. The anxiety and OCD combination made it basically impossible to comfortably enjoy anything or concentrate on anything. So, while I had enjoyable times, I was practically always miserable starting at least 15 for some specific reason, because my OCD always latches on to some specific reason that I should feel miserable. This made it functionally impossible to enjoy anything during my school years. Even then, there seemed to be something immediately wrong with my behavior and the way that I tackled responsibilities. I started hitting other kids starting in preschool, had disobedience problems, teased others, was possessive of my friends, etc. This is not something that my friends had in common with me. In addition to this, I did a number of things to my friends even up to college that I highly regret, and believe are behaviors that most people grow out of by that time. I do not know why I had such a level of immaturity.
I started getting premature facial ageing starting at around 20 or 21 years of age. By that time I had been severely hyper-concentrating on various negative things happening in my life, of which I experience the intensity of more than the average person. In previous years I had exercised intensely due to other insecurities with myself, which left me with a very low body fat. Between the ages of 20-22 I was drinking multiple energy drinks per day and barely eating any actual food, while simultaneously being stressed about various things. There doesn't appear to be any way to salvage my facial appearance because it almost looks as if I was addicted to meth for some amount of time (I also have horrible teeth, I started getting insane cavities started at 17 or 18 years of age when I began drinking more soda and becoming lax about brushing). Dentists say this may have been due to taking antidepressants or even something that my mom took while she was pregnant with me.
I didn't take my education seriously whatsoever with my anxiety constantly taking precedence over everything else. I got my degree but was never able to get a job that paid well and instead had to rely on low-paying 'gig' type jobs. I was forever embarrassed to look at myself or take selfies because of my appearance even though I should have still looked young and enjoyed my young adulthood.
I grew up in a household that was strict, but loving, but I squandered everything I was given. The values I was taught weren't particularly good though, as my Dad especially made fun of people who he thought lesser than him (including fat people) which is part of why I became anorexic in the first place, and never regained the fat that I previously had on my face or body. He had a lot of values that I highly disagree with now but that I absorbed during my childhood and teen years. I wish I had been nicer to my friends. I don't even have cheekbones. Seriously, nothing actually redeeming about my face or anything to save it from looking haggard af. To an extent, I think I deserve it though - why was I so cruel to people, ever since I was a child? Why didn't I grow up with it or develop at a normal rate? Even my baby teeth were late to come in and even when I was a child and brushed my teeth for five minutes every night I got cavities. My friends all look the same as in high school and I look like a drug addict thrown out on the streets.
Along with the shitty genetics, bad luck, bad behavior, severe mental systems, and failure in the system, I'm thinking now that I don't belong here as I am. I find myself wishing more and more that I was a "normie" and that I just felt normally most of the time in my life and reacted normally and also had a normal face and life. I absolutely hate everything in my life except my most distant of fond childhood memories which I play in my head often but which cause me great pain.
But of course, like any other person, I am afraid to ctb. I think that OCD presents a strong SI and due to these conditions I also have an extremely emotional side where I feel emotions very strongly, be they good or bad. The truth is, I don't really want to 'get better' because I have messed up my life so royally and can genuinely no longer enjoy it. I have a partner with whom I confided my severe depression who assures me that it's worth it to continue, but I absolutely hate everything. This partner says that I just want to feel better, not disappear, which is true to an extent but this is the case for all people considering SU - the idea is that there is no way to feel better in the way that is needed to continue. This partner knows that I want to "disappear" and made me promise to get a therapist, but I just have no interest in doing any of those things. I have been in and out of therapy since 15, I want a completely different life and brain and face and body. I don't even know that I would redo this life if given the chance to make different choices, I just hate everything about myself. There is no redeeming quality. I feel like if "genetic inferiority" is real, then I am a huge example of it. I wish I could be almost anyone else besides me.
Also, here's the other thing. I bought SN and an anti-emetic and was planning on buying benzos. However, I'm scared of poison and vomiting. For some reason, I specifically dislike the thought of that, and am extremely afraid of my SI kicking it. I like the idea of SN because I believe that SN is the only method by which, if you recover, you have no real chance of being permanently damaged. But for some reason it makes me uneasy. My urge is to do carbon dioxide poisoning even though this can cause permanent damage, but knowing my luck I would survive and half permanent damage. I had a vision of carbon dioxide poisioning during a mushroom trip. I know I hate myself, I know that I also resent the way I grew up, I want to be gone. I have nowhere to even do the CO2 if I did it because I have to move back in with my partner's family due to not being able to support us anymore due to a mental breakdown.
I have definitely failed and I just do not care for the idea of picking myself back up because the things that I messed up on are so utterly irreperable and in a way I almost believe it was fated to happen. I'm also afraid of SI and losing my ego but I can't stand anything. It's like a personal hell where my blood pressure is always reasied and circling and circling over and over.
Sometimes I get excited about SI and other times sad. I feel like it's a waste of my life that I should have been able happen. If I could relive my life and make different choices, maybe I would? But I'm not even 100% sure of that. I honestly do like the concept of living but I don't like the execution at all and simply haven't been able to enjoy myself.
