I don't know how long this post is going to be, I've never been good with words and I'm not that expressive either. I would just like to leave you a reflection about what has been my life so far, so that no one will take the same steps as me. If someone has a son or daughter, I would like them not to make the same mistakes I made. How I would have liked to enjoy life more than I did. In advance I thank you if you get to read this, believe me I value very much your time that you are going to dedicate to me.
I was born into a well-to-do family; I never had any economic complications. I never lacked food or water. As a child I enjoyed life so much, everything seemed so fresh and colorful. Everything was a first experience; it was a new taste. My family nucleus did have some problems, my father constantly fought with my mother, there was some domestic violence, screaming every night and seeing my father drunk every night of my childhood, until today. I remember as a child wondering why my father acted that way, I didn't know what the effects of alcohol were. I only saw my father's mood change once the night fell. Generally everything that made me uncomfortable as a child was inside the home, some situations that no person should have to live through. Although I think that there are also many people who have gone through worse things and have been successful.
Anyway, at school in the beginning I was very conflictive, I did poorly in grades and every now and then I got into trouble. It wasn't until I was 10 years old that I started to take things seriously and got more involved in my studies. I started to study a lot; I remember there was a spelling bee competition, and I tried very hard to win it. I was so obsessed that even when I was eating, I would study the words. In the end I managed to reap the fruits of my long hours of study, and I won the gold medal 4 years in a row. In those years my life was well balanced, I could still enjoy new things, talk to my friends in a natural way, meet new people and spend quality time with my family. Although I was still bothered by my father's drunkenness.
I was having fun with my social circle of those years, although I was beginning to notice certain strange attitudes, which I later understood to be envy and jealous, because of how I was doing in life. How I would have liked to advise my past self not to be so naive with that kind of person.
Well, there was an important year in my life, it was when I was 12 years old when a general culture competition was coming up, it was about knowledge seen in class, but it is very valuable here where I live because it is done at a national level and the state winner gets to greet the president of the republic. So I spent months studying day and night, until the day arrived. I felt very nervous, but I knew I had been preparing for that moment for a long time. I took the exam, the days went by and I managed to come in first place. I don't know how I felt at that moment, just a lot of joy. A child achieving his goals, what more could one wish for? My parents were proud of me, although they never told me, I could tell they felt that way. I was able to go to the capital and greet the president of the republic, he gave me an award that I have kept in my house to this day.
Well, because of all those achievements, it was to be expected that some of my classmates would be jealous, especially those who were academically good. There is one who made my life impossible years later.
Middle school came and now I was no longer motivated, my parents no longer paid so much attention to me, and it was obvious because I was already older. I had to take responsibility for certain things in my life. The first years of middle school were bad, my grades dropped at times, but I managed to recover. I joined a robotics team. I worked long hours in the workshop, from the time I got out of school until the evening. I spent a lot of time with my team, there were three of us. Although the person who was starting to feel envious of me, unfortunately he was in my team, he made my life impossible. He would hit me, call me a lot of rude names and even did ridiculous things like telling the girl I liked at the time that I was gay, just so she wouldn't like me. But this person knows well how to treat people to please them, so everyone sided with him. I didn't pay that much attention to him at the time, which I regret now.
It was already the day of the robotics competition and we managed to win at the regional and national level. This led us to the world championship in Thailand, where we didn't place well, but it was a fun experience.
A girl, who would become an important person in my life, started to like me a lot. Her liking reached such a point of obsession, that she would not let me talk to other women I liked. She showed me a lot of affection and appreciation, but I honestly didn't like her. I had an immature reaction at the time, which was to distance myself. Well, this girl I remember proceeded to tell our group of friends about how I was distancing myself and being cold to her, and it made a lot of people angry with me. I began to receive bad treatment from them, bad comments about my physique, my person. They hurt me a lot mentally. I began to have insecurities about my physique, especially because I am a very skinny person.
Now in retrospect I shouldn't have been so cold to her, I should have told her from the beginning that I wasn't interested in her and that was it. Not distancing myself, those are stupid mistakes one makes at that age.
In pandemic everything started to get worse, I could no longer sleep from one night to the next. I spent many days without sleep, which generated an obsession with sleep and here my life began to plummet.
I no longer knew what to do with my life, what I wanted. In high school, I no longer had any goals or anything to focus on. I was just obsessed with sleep. I would spend all day looking for what disease I might have that was causing my insomnia, but I was looking to a completely obsessive degree. I disconnected from reality and it became confusing as to what was real, I no longer felt the days, I no longer felt life. It is difficult to describe, I do not know how to express myself.
Anyway, during that time of insomnia I met another woman with whom I liked. I found her to be an interesting person. Although I should have stayed away from her. She told me that she had been diagnosed with psychopathy and that she could kill me. I didn't know how to feel about that, but I believed that we all deserved love, so I didn't care. I still liked her, even though I didn't like being in a relationship. I know it sounds strange, but I have this very selfish idea ingrained in me (mainly my father) that I have to be the best, that relationships don't matter as long as I'm successful and have money. How much I wish I could change that mentality and just enjoy life. Dreams don't always come true, but relationships we have in the moment, we have to enjoy them as much as possible. Something I didn't understand at that age, silly of me. I thought I was going to be a big shot in the future, a pretty stupid idea. I ended the relationship because of this idea of mine and my most degrading stage of my mental health began.
My hypochondria increased, all day long I was anxious to know what illness I had, what was causing my insomnia, what was causing me to be dissociated, etc. I did not pay attention to my friends at the time and I paid more attention to this person who hit me in middle school, who now in high school did not do it, but continued talking bad behind my back and making my life impossible. I also had many false friendships in high school, which I regret having given them so much attention, because I sacrificed so much for them and I didn't do it for my real friends.
I started a new relationship, but I didn't feel that we had a genuine feeling of love. She broke up with me and started talking bad about me. Which I was used to, but I didn't think she was going to do it, especially since I feel I behaved well with her.
By the time it was time to go to college, my life didn't sound so exciting. I didn't know what to study and I hadn't prepared myself to go to a college I was interested in. I ended up in a good one in my country, but it was not what I wanted. Also, I was concentrating more on the money and income from the career, because I was not going to study what I liked, my father told me that now I should focus on what suits me, not on what I like.
Well, to make a long story short, I behaved like a shitty friend once I started college. I treated the people I loved badly in a sick way, I was lonely. I did some really bad things, of which I don't deserve forgiveness. This person who made my life miserable (the one in middle school) made fun of my situation. He came out triumphant in all of this. The mistake I made cost me my whole life.
Now here I am, my family thinking that I am a failure for not succeeding since high school, for being depressed all the time. I lost true friends and I feel like I have a double face with my new relationships. I can't stop thinking about the past and not ask myself: what would have happened if...?
I already have insufferable insomnia, sadness every day and I only think about killing myself. I cannot forgive myself. Please don't tell me that there is a point of improvement, because seriously there is not, I have thought about it for a long time and I think that people like me do not deserve to live in this world. I am a few weeks away from ctb with SN.
I just think at times what my mind does and it does not stop wandering in horrible things, seriously, now I am capable of anything bad, the worst in this world. I wouldn't even like to write it down, I'm ashamed.
I just hope to go to hell, together with the people who made my life a bad experience.
For those of you who read this and are in good health, please, if you are a victim of your story seek help. Believe me that your life can still get better, before you return all the toxicity they did to you and it's too late.
Enjoy the ones you love and the ones who love you. Leave selfishness aside and be happy with what you have, because believe me that in a moment everything will fall, everything you have accomplished will collapse and you will have nothing but your loved ones. What matters in this life.
I skipped over several important parts of my life, but hey, I hope you can get something out of this.
Thank you for reading this far, I hope you have a good life and health. Soon all this will be over for me, but I wish that this world will be better and at some point peace will come.
(sorry for my English, this was translated).
I was born into a well-to-do family; I never had any economic complications. I never lacked food or water. As a child I enjoyed life so much, everything seemed so fresh and colorful. Everything was a first experience; it was a new taste. My family nucleus did have some problems, my father constantly fought with my mother, there was some domestic violence, screaming every night and seeing my father drunk every night of my childhood, until today. I remember as a child wondering why my father acted that way, I didn't know what the effects of alcohol were. I only saw my father's mood change once the night fell. Generally everything that made me uncomfortable as a child was inside the home, some situations that no person should have to live through. Although I think that there are also many people who have gone through worse things and have been successful.
Anyway, at school in the beginning I was very conflictive, I did poorly in grades and every now and then I got into trouble. It wasn't until I was 10 years old that I started to take things seriously and got more involved in my studies. I started to study a lot; I remember there was a spelling bee competition, and I tried very hard to win it. I was so obsessed that even when I was eating, I would study the words. In the end I managed to reap the fruits of my long hours of study, and I won the gold medal 4 years in a row. In those years my life was well balanced, I could still enjoy new things, talk to my friends in a natural way, meet new people and spend quality time with my family. Although I was still bothered by my father's drunkenness.
I was having fun with my social circle of those years, although I was beginning to notice certain strange attitudes, which I later understood to be envy and jealous, because of how I was doing in life. How I would have liked to advise my past self not to be so naive with that kind of person.
Well, there was an important year in my life, it was when I was 12 years old when a general culture competition was coming up, it was about knowledge seen in class, but it is very valuable here where I live because it is done at a national level and the state winner gets to greet the president of the republic. So I spent months studying day and night, until the day arrived. I felt very nervous, but I knew I had been preparing for that moment for a long time. I took the exam, the days went by and I managed to come in first place. I don't know how I felt at that moment, just a lot of joy. A child achieving his goals, what more could one wish for? My parents were proud of me, although they never told me, I could tell they felt that way. I was able to go to the capital and greet the president of the republic, he gave me an award that I have kept in my house to this day.
Well, because of all those achievements, it was to be expected that some of my classmates would be jealous, especially those who were academically good. There is one who made my life impossible years later.
Middle school came and now I was no longer motivated, my parents no longer paid so much attention to me, and it was obvious because I was already older. I had to take responsibility for certain things in my life. The first years of middle school were bad, my grades dropped at times, but I managed to recover. I joined a robotics team. I worked long hours in the workshop, from the time I got out of school until the evening. I spent a lot of time with my team, there were three of us. Although the person who was starting to feel envious of me, unfortunately he was in my team, he made my life impossible. He would hit me, call me a lot of rude names and even did ridiculous things like telling the girl I liked at the time that I was gay, just so she wouldn't like me. But this person knows well how to treat people to please them, so everyone sided with him. I didn't pay that much attention to him at the time, which I regret now.
It was already the day of the robotics competition and we managed to win at the regional and national level. This led us to the world championship in Thailand, where we didn't place well, but it was a fun experience.
A girl, who would become an important person in my life, started to like me a lot. Her liking reached such a point of obsession, that she would not let me talk to other women I liked. She showed me a lot of affection and appreciation, but I honestly didn't like her. I had an immature reaction at the time, which was to distance myself. Well, this girl I remember proceeded to tell our group of friends about how I was distancing myself and being cold to her, and it made a lot of people angry with me. I began to receive bad treatment from them, bad comments about my physique, my person. They hurt me a lot mentally. I began to have insecurities about my physique, especially because I am a very skinny person.
Now in retrospect I shouldn't have been so cold to her, I should have told her from the beginning that I wasn't interested in her and that was it. Not distancing myself, those are stupid mistakes one makes at that age.
In pandemic everything started to get worse, I could no longer sleep from one night to the next. I spent many days without sleep, which generated an obsession with sleep and here my life began to plummet.
I no longer knew what to do with my life, what I wanted. In high school, I no longer had any goals or anything to focus on. I was just obsessed with sleep. I would spend all day looking for what disease I might have that was causing my insomnia, but I was looking to a completely obsessive degree. I disconnected from reality and it became confusing as to what was real, I no longer felt the days, I no longer felt life. It is difficult to describe, I do not know how to express myself.
Anyway, during that time of insomnia I met another woman with whom I liked. I found her to be an interesting person. Although I should have stayed away from her. She told me that she had been diagnosed with psychopathy and that she could kill me. I didn't know how to feel about that, but I believed that we all deserved love, so I didn't care. I still liked her, even though I didn't like being in a relationship. I know it sounds strange, but I have this very selfish idea ingrained in me (mainly my father) that I have to be the best, that relationships don't matter as long as I'm successful and have money. How much I wish I could change that mentality and just enjoy life. Dreams don't always come true, but relationships we have in the moment, we have to enjoy them as much as possible. Something I didn't understand at that age, silly of me. I thought I was going to be a big shot in the future, a pretty stupid idea. I ended the relationship because of this idea of mine and my most degrading stage of my mental health began.
My hypochondria increased, all day long I was anxious to know what illness I had, what was causing my insomnia, what was causing me to be dissociated, etc. I did not pay attention to my friends at the time and I paid more attention to this person who hit me in middle school, who now in high school did not do it, but continued talking bad behind my back and making my life impossible. I also had many false friendships in high school, which I regret having given them so much attention, because I sacrificed so much for them and I didn't do it for my real friends.
I started a new relationship, but I didn't feel that we had a genuine feeling of love. She broke up with me and started talking bad about me. Which I was used to, but I didn't think she was going to do it, especially since I feel I behaved well with her.
By the time it was time to go to college, my life didn't sound so exciting. I didn't know what to study and I hadn't prepared myself to go to a college I was interested in. I ended up in a good one in my country, but it was not what I wanted. Also, I was concentrating more on the money and income from the career, because I was not going to study what I liked, my father told me that now I should focus on what suits me, not on what I like.
Well, to make a long story short, I behaved like a shitty friend once I started college. I treated the people I loved badly in a sick way, I was lonely. I did some really bad things, of which I don't deserve forgiveness. This person who made my life miserable (the one in middle school) made fun of my situation. He came out triumphant in all of this. The mistake I made cost me my whole life.
Now here I am, my family thinking that I am a failure for not succeeding since high school, for being depressed all the time. I lost true friends and I feel like I have a double face with my new relationships. I can't stop thinking about the past and not ask myself: what would have happened if...?
I already have insufferable insomnia, sadness every day and I only think about killing myself. I cannot forgive myself. Please don't tell me that there is a point of improvement, because seriously there is not, I have thought about it for a long time and I think that people like me do not deserve to live in this world. I am a few weeks away from ctb with SN.
I just think at times what my mind does and it does not stop wandering in horrible things, seriously, now I am capable of anything bad, the worst in this world. I wouldn't even like to write it down, I'm ashamed.
I just hope to go to hell, together with the people who made my life a bad experience.
For those of you who read this and are in good health, please, if you are a victim of your story seek help. Believe me that your life can still get better, before you return all the toxicity they did to you and it's too late.
Enjoy the ones you love and the ones who love you. Leave selfishness aside and be happy with what you have, because believe me that in a moment everything will fall, everything you have accomplished will collapse and you will have nothing but your loved ones. What matters in this life.
I skipped over several important parts of my life, but hey, I hope you can get something out of this.
Thank you for reading this far, I hope you have a good life and health. Soon all this will be over for me, but I wish that this world will be better and at some point peace will come.
(sorry for my English, this was translated).
