chaewon
New Member
- Jan 8, 2026
- 4
Hello everyone, I am almost 20, male , muslim by name (not religious at all) -- I want to talk about the reason I am suicidal as of now as I have lost everyone in my life and need to let it off my chest.
When I was 12, I got SA'd and almost kidnapped, only to get blamed by my own parents after for years to come and be not allowed to go outside for a year due to "Replying to someone on the street". My head was also shaved off as a punishment. That was the first time suicide has ever crossed my mind.
I started smoking when I was 13 (and have been till now) and started being more outgoing and making more friends and speaking to girls, everything in my life was becoming slightly better but the unhealed trauma was still there.
Around 14/15, I was part of a bunch of online communities (Discord and so on) where I found this girl who a year younger than me (ie if i was 15 she was 14). My life completely changed from there. she was basically one of those egirls who just would sexually satisfy random men online for no return but only validation and attention (Due to daddy issues?) We end up talking and talking and "E-dating" (Cringe, i know). This has went on and off from I think mid/late 2021. There was a year in the middle where we didnt talk though. The problem with me wasnt that I wasnt able to talk to women in real life, it was that i have just developed weird attachment, dont know if i would call it love at that time due to only knowing her online (calls and texts) at that time. I am tall and slightly above average looking (which still makes me insecure because I feel not enough) and skinny frame. I have a very decent Amount of money for anyone my age and my own good car and so on. Kind of an ideal guy I would say? so even throughout talking to her online, i have dated girls in person and even talked to other girls online, but she is the only one that I have kept throughout those years. we both have cheated on each other basically (except she was antisocial and never did anything irl but go to school all her "cheating" was just online)
I ended up developing a cuckold fetish for her specifically due to her cheating on me in the past several times, and It took me almost half a year to tell her. she was weirded out at the start but got into it. Anyways, All the years we have spoken i never bought her anything and have treated her horribly, so when I started feeling like I seriously love her (Around april of 2025) I have spoiled her very much, she is 18 and im 19, but I have bought her a $25,000 watch, several designer bags (Chanel and so on) , designer clothing, and so on. All worth above Six figures. We end up meeting in June, we were very lovely, good sex, good relationship, good everything. She was planning to move to my country (which is 2nd world shithole compared to America) and she did in august (she went back in july to get her stuff). due to my religious and extreme parents I wasnt able to live with her so I have rented a Place for her a minute away from mine and would go over daily.
My parents end up finding about her, but not the full story. i told them i met her here and made up a bunch of lies bla bla. And from August until Right now, my relationship with my parents has went downhill mainly because of her.
Anyways. I have felt like she didnt like me physically or wasnt that attracted to me which made me insecure, So I started an anabolic Steroid cycle around late August to try to grow a beard and make my body more muscular. it didnt go very well as I ended up becoming lazy towards the end and one of the compounds (Tren) just made me suicidal impulsively even throughout happiness for no reason. i couldnt bear the mental effects of the cycle and unfortunately ruined my hormones and body and possibly fertility for no reason just because of my insecurity.
All the cuck fetish shit was a fantasy Up until October when in one of the raves we have went to she has danced and kissed and got touched by multiple guys, it felt exciting but at the same time I felt like i have just lost all my dignity. But i buried that feeling away. The same thing happens in more parties, until in December , we have a threesome. Same feeling , Humiliated and as if i lost my dignity, however no resentment towards her or nothing. but i did feel that she has lost respect for me completely since october as she would insult me during arguements more often and seemed to mentally slowly dettach and Respect me less (Even though she moved here literally for me) and she has started getting physically abusive would beat me punch me and has even encouraged me to self harm and suicide during arguements.
During that time, I have attempted to commit suicide by laying right next to my cars exhaust tips and breathing in the carbon monoxide on the side of a deserted road, i know this method doesnt work due to Catalytic Converters limiting emissions, but my car is a modified sports car with those Catalytic Converter removed, so in terms of emission of CO and other toxic gases it should be the same as very old cars if not worse. however, I have failed. i was there for around 40 minutes, nothing but teary eyes and cough. i originally planned to use an oxygen mask and tape it inside the exhaust and breathe directly but I was scared of someone passong by (someone did pass by at the very start and I said I was fixing something). so it was a complete failure, I got up and went back home. My girlfriend knew, but she accused me of using it as a manipulation tactic and of faking it, she never has taken me talking about suicide seriously.
.also forgot to mention I was payint for her college aswell. -- anyways, new years period comes. We are parting straight for 4 days. day 1 which was NYE goes well, day 2 which was new years goes well, day 3 we fight while drunk over something very silly and she ends up punching me in my face and bending my glasses frame, which really upset me so We just went back home (we were on vacation, so we were staying together). day 4 same thing, except this time were both on Ecstasy and I end up for no reason admitting to her a bunch of times i cheated and so on (when we were online), she cries, sperges out, even hits me in the rave with people seeing, and walks away . Loop happens a few times where im following her grabbing her arm to have her in place to listen blabla, eventually security think im harassing her, and i get dragged out while she is still in there. Last thing I see is a guy trying to talk to her, and she also had the keys to our vacation villa.
It was 5 AM and I end up having someone uber me to our villa due to my phone being locked for 3 hrs (entered pass wrong too many times while high) and it was very cold to the point where I was shaking, thankfully I find the back door unlocked and walk in. I reset my phone and spam call her. For hours. She just replies every like 40 minutes to an hour and a half, and is very rude, i eventually remember i have her old phone so i log into her snapchat account share her location witn me to wait for her to open it on her other phone so i know where she is, and i find out she is at some other house. At that point i panic very much and I start setting up what I need for the Ligature Strangulation method, as it is the method I have been looking into before and is very minimal in terms of whats needed. I end up calling her and knowing she has had sex with that guy and that she still wont come back and is very angry with me, this was around 9 AM and we had a driver coming to pick us up at 12 PM to Airport and we havent packed and she is still outside.
i end up following exactly the steps of Ligature Strangulation but i never located my "sweet spot" and it seemed impossible, I have tried it impuslively during that moment like I would say 15 times in a row, all i got was the exploding head feeling which i knew means im doing it wrong. at some point I didnt even care and just said fuck it and let that feelint continue and started singing with myself my voice wasvery muffled and so was my hearing and vision, but I wouldnt pass out rven after minutes, so I gave up. Then during all of this I stop and out of anger rip all of her designer bags I got her with a knife. Now it has been a few days since this has happened and we have been broken up but I am trying to get back with her because she is all I have, just before yesterday I went to her house to try to convince her and she said she will consider bla bla, just to find out from her yesterday that she has fucked that same guy again at night that day and hasnt slept because he dropped her off at 6 AM despite her having a government appointment at 8 AM related to paperwork which I took her to :/, she has never sacrificed sleep that much for me. Right now she has been sleeping for hours due to being tired, but she is fixated on leaving and going back and now i have lost everything, The only person i loved and i think loved me too, my family, my money, my dignity, even my fertility and body, everything. I am planning to spend today trying to find my Caritoids or otherwise just renting a BNB and doing FSH and hoping I get it first try no complications or planning like those very lucky people I see in suicide cases. i just want to find peace, I wish guns were legal here, I live on a 4th floor apartment so I cant even jump because the risk of being vegetated instead or dead is high, The highest bridge where i live is always very busy and has traffic, so attempting there just wouldnt work out, I would have to jump out of my car off the bridge instantly which I feel isnt fair to me as I want to stand there for a bit and think about my life and find peace with myself. Thereis nothing that seems fair to me in life right now, I seem fucked from every direction, hell i even sacrificed uni for her now I have failed 4/6 subjects this semester.
When I was 12, I got SA'd and almost kidnapped, only to get blamed by my own parents after for years to come and be not allowed to go outside for a year due to "Replying to someone on the street". My head was also shaved off as a punishment. That was the first time suicide has ever crossed my mind.
I started smoking when I was 13 (and have been till now) and started being more outgoing and making more friends and speaking to girls, everything in my life was becoming slightly better but the unhealed trauma was still there.
Around 14/15, I was part of a bunch of online communities (Discord and so on) where I found this girl who a year younger than me (ie if i was 15 she was 14). My life completely changed from there. she was basically one of those egirls who just would sexually satisfy random men online for no return but only validation and attention (Due to daddy issues?) We end up talking and talking and "E-dating" (Cringe, i know). This has went on and off from I think mid/late 2021. There was a year in the middle where we didnt talk though. The problem with me wasnt that I wasnt able to talk to women in real life, it was that i have just developed weird attachment, dont know if i would call it love at that time due to only knowing her online (calls and texts) at that time. I am tall and slightly above average looking (which still makes me insecure because I feel not enough) and skinny frame. I have a very decent Amount of money for anyone my age and my own good car and so on. Kind of an ideal guy I would say? so even throughout talking to her online, i have dated girls in person and even talked to other girls online, but she is the only one that I have kept throughout those years. we both have cheated on each other basically (except she was antisocial and never did anything irl but go to school all her "cheating" was just online)
I ended up developing a cuckold fetish for her specifically due to her cheating on me in the past several times, and It took me almost half a year to tell her. she was weirded out at the start but got into it. Anyways, All the years we have spoken i never bought her anything and have treated her horribly, so when I started feeling like I seriously love her (Around april of 2025) I have spoiled her very much, she is 18 and im 19, but I have bought her a $25,000 watch, several designer bags (Chanel and so on) , designer clothing, and so on. All worth above Six figures. We end up meeting in June, we were very lovely, good sex, good relationship, good everything. She was planning to move to my country (which is 2nd world shithole compared to America) and she did in august (she went back in july to get her stuff). due to my religious and extreme parents I wasnt able to live with her so I have rented a Place for her a minute away from mine and would go over daily.
My parents end up finding about her, but not the full story. i told them i met her here and made up a bunch of lies bla bla. And from August until Right now, my relationship with my parents has went downhill mainly because of her.
Anyways. I have felt like she didnt like me physically or wasnt that attracted to me which made me insecure, So I started an anabolic Steroid cycle around late August to try to grow a beard and make my body more muscular. it didnt go very well as I ended up becoming lazy towards the end and one of the compounds (Tren) just made me suicidal impulsively even throughout happiness for no reason. i couldnt bear the mental effects of the cycle and unfortunately ruined my hormones and body and possibly fertility for no reason just because of my insecurity.
All the cuck fetish shit was a fantasy Up until October when in one of the raves we have went to she has danced and kissed and got touched by multiple guys, it felt exciting but at the same time I felt like i have just lost all my dignity. But i buried that feeling away. The same thing happens in more parties, until in December , we have a threesome. Same feeling , Humiliated and as if i lost my dignity, however no resentment towards her or nothing. but i did feel that she has lost respect for me completely since october as she would insult me during arguements more often and seemed to mentally slowly dettach and Respect me less (Even though she moved here literally for me) and she has started getting physically abusive would beat me punch me and has even encouraged me to self harm and suicide during arguements.
During that time, I have attempted to commit suicide by laying right next to my cars exhaust tips and breathing in the carbon monoxide on the side of a deserted road, i know this method doesnt work due to Catalytic Converters limiting emissions, but my car is a modified sports car with those Catalytic Converter removed, so in terms of emission of CO and other toxic gases it should be the same as very old cars if not worse. however, I have failed. i was there for around 40 minutes, nothing but teary eyes and cough. i originally planned to use an oxygen mask and tape it inside the exhaust and breathe directly but I was scared of someone passong by (someone did pass by at the very start and I said I was fixing something). so it was a complete failure, I got up and went back home. My girlfriend knew, but she accused me of using it as a manipulation tactic and of faking it, she never has taken me talking about suicide seriously.
.also forgot to mention I was payint for her college aswell. -- anyways, new years period comes. We are parting straight for 4 days. day 1 which was NYE goes well, day 2 which was new years goes well, day 3 we fight while drunk over something very silly and she ends up punching me in my face and bending my glasses frame, which really upset me so We just went back home (we were on vacation, so we were staying together). day 4 same thing, except this time were both on Ecstasy and I end up for no reason admitting to her a bunch of times i cheated and so on (when we were online), she cries, sperges out, even hits me in the rave with people seeing, and walks away . Loop happens a few times where im following her grabbing her arm to have her in place to listen blabla, eventually security think im harassing her, and i get dragged out while she is still in there. Last thing I see is a guy trying to talk to her, and she also had the keys to our vacation villa.
It was 5 AM and I end up having someone uber me to our villa due to my phone being locked for 3 hrs (entered pass wrong too many times while high) and it was very cold to the point where I was shaking, thankfully I find the back door unlocked and walk in. I reset my phone and spam call her. For hours. She just replies every like 40 minutes to an hour and a half, and is very rude, i eventually remember i have her old phone so i log into her snapchat account share her location witn me to wait for her to open it on her other phone so i know where she is, and i find out she is at some other house. At that point i panic very much and I start setting up what I need for the Ligature Strangulation method, as it is the method I have been looking into before and is very minimal in terms of whats needed. I end up calling her and knowing she has had sex with that guy and that she still wont come back and is very angry with me, this was around 9 AM and we had a driver coming to pick us up at 12 PM to Airport and we havent packed and she is still outside.
i end up following exactly the steps of Ligature Strangulation but i never located my "sweet spot" and it seemed impossible, I have tried it impuslively during that moment like I would say 15 times in a row, all i got was the exploding head feeling which i knew means im doing it wrong. at some point I didnt even care and just said fuck it and let that feelint continue and started singing with myself my voice wasvery muffled and so was my hearing and vision, but I wouldnt pass out rven after minutes, so I gave up. Then during all of this I stop and out of anger rip all of her designer bags I got her with a knife. Now it has been a few days since this has happened and we have been broken up but I am trying to get back with her because she is all I have, just before yesterday I went to her house to try to convince her and she said she will consider bla bla, just to find out from her yesterday that she has fucked that same guy again at night that day and hasnt slept because he dropped her off at 6 AM despite her having a government appointment at 8 AM related to paperwork which I took her to :/, she has never sacrificed sleep that much for me. Right now she has been sleeping for hours due to being tired, but she is fixated on leaving and going back and now i have lost everything, The only person i loved and i think loved me too, my family, my money, my dignity, even my fertility and body, everything. I am planning to spend today trying to find my Caritoids or otherwise just renting a BNB and doing FSH and hoping I get it first try no complications or planning like those very lucky people I see in suicide cases. i just want to find peace, I wish guns were legal here, I live on a 4th floor apartment so I cant even jump because the risk of being vegetated instead or dead is high, The highest bridge where i live is always very busy and has traffic, so attempting there just wouldnt work out, I would have to jump out of my car off the bridge instantly which I feel isnt fair to me as I want to stand there for a bit and think about my life and find peace with myself. Thereis nothing that seems fair to me in life right now, I seem fucked from every direction, hell i even sacrificed uni for her now I have failed 4/6 subjects this semester.
