Dear SS community,
this is my first post and I want to thank everyone here, who is contributing, helping, etc. and creating a safe place, where people can discuss problems, suicide, suicide methods and such because I don't know anyone I could talk about that.
I was reading the forum for a while before I thought I'm ready to join, I was a little anxious about it, tough I don't really know why, but it has probably to do something with my socialization.
Sorry, for any writing errors -- English is not my native language, I try my best.
My story:
I suffer from a rare, neurological disease that causes progressive, embarrassing and hurting disabilities, which makes my life not livable anymore (I'm basically housebound right now). The most torturing symptoms I experience are chronic pain (every second of my life) and constant shortness of breath, I never thought that could be so tormenting.
I still am able to use my arms to some extend, I'm not able to walk without crutches and only for very short lengths.
Doctors don't really care helping me with my pain, telling me that I couldn't be in so much pain, or that everything is in my head (I have valid tests that proof my disease which causes chronic pain) -- they would know ...
Sorry, I don't want to vent too much about doctors, but they -- in not helping me properly -- contribute partially to my suicide ideation. They treated me like a lifeless abstract disease something, like a (pain-)drug-seeking addict (though I have undeniable proof of my disease that causes pain) misdiagnosed and mistreated me, put me on wrong medications and wrong dosages, emotionally harassed me and they did not even said sorry for causing this to me, not a single doctor. After a long battle I'm now on a opioid dosage along with other medications for my disease, that helps a little with the chronic pain, I hope they are not going to take the pain medication away from me.
Departure:
I plan on leaving in the coming months or years, I don't know if it will be this or next or in five years, it depends mainly on the progression of my disease, my emotional wellbeing and how long I can bear this suffering, which actually is not really bearable right now. I don't live in a country, where obtaining N is legal and therfore peacefully dying with N is not possible. So the storing process is really important, if I will be unable to obtain SN in Europe in the future.
I don't want to end up demented and unable to communicate in a nursing home. I heard and know of horror stories about nursing homes, but I would not want to be there anyway, even if they, all the time, behaved respectfully etc.
Important:
I have only one try, if I fail, I will probably be monitored around the clock by my pro-life "caregivers" and will be stuck in a body that would surely torture me for decades.
Time is an important factor, I probably have around 15 - 20 hours without being looked after.
SN Method:
SN Method: Two days anti-emetic regime of metoclopramid: 15mg Metoclopramide every 8 hours and fasting 8 hours before leaving. Taking one hour before SN: 1000mg paracetamol and 100-200mg Tramadol, Half an our before SN: Longer acting Benzodiazepines (probably 20-30mg diazepam), 30 mg Metoclopramide, 800mg Cimetidine, maybe 120mg Propranolol, 20 minutes before SN: Short acting Benzodiazepine (Alprazolam or Lorazepam equivalent to 20 mg diazepam) and preparing three extra 25 g SN with 50ml water in case of vomiting.
I bought two bottles from the Polish seller, that now has disappeared, I must have been one of their last customers -- I don't know what happened to their store, because I don't know of anywhere else where I could get SN here in Europe, when the SN goes bad.
I opened one bottle of SN (it is a plastic bottle with a ring around the cap, and "teeth" in between), I don't know, if they were opened by customs, they didn't looked too tightly sealed. To test one of the bottles I followed jake3d's aquarium method:
(The quality was good.)
I immediately closed the bottle after putting the needed amount out of the bottle. After a week or so I realized, that I probably have to be more careful in storing the two bottles. So I put
desiccant, silica gel and oxygen absorber into a bag with one SN bottle and vacuumed sealed it and did so with the other.
Questions:
(1) Should I put desiccant and oxygen absorber bags into the opened SN bottle, that is, open it again and pressing this bags into the bottle? Should I open the other bottle (now closed, I don't know if customs opened it) and do the same? Would oxygen absorbing bags (or silica gel bags) have any negative impact on the salt?
(2) Would it help anything if afterwards I vacuum sealed the bottles and putting besides, outside the bottles additional absorbent bags?
I think, the SN was at least one time exposed to air, when the seller or the chemist produced it, and I doubt it is vacuum sealed in the bottle.
(3) I thought about putting the SN into a bag and vacuum seal it, but the vacuum sealer would probably suck in all the salt, right? I guess, there is way of vacuum seal just the salt?
(4) If the jake3d's aquarium test is positive, say in five years (probably a long time), does that mean it would still be effective for a dignified death? No matter if the bottle was opened or not. I guess, the aquarium method is more reliant than the finger prick blood method, right? How long will SN be good, if I do all the precautions I mentioned.
(5) Noise: Will I make any kind of noise, while I'm unconscious? I could try to dampen the sound of vomiting with a cushion.
I can also use a white noise generator to dampen the noise. Should I lock the door and put something in front of it? I thought I will put some kind of thick plastic adhesive seal around the doors edges and the lock-opening to prevent noise from getting out. Because if I'm too loud I could get attention, so I would wait until everyone is asleep.
(6) I read that it is ok, if it looks a little yellowish and clumps, right?
(7) Are there any other sources to obtain SN in Europe, if it goes bad?
(8) Are four hours really the maximum time to die from 25 grams SN in 50ml water? (I think, this was the longest time I read on here) I'm taking oral extended release 10mg oxycodone twice a day, would that increase the time to die?
(9) Is it reasonable to increase the SN dosage from 25 g to 50 g or would I just be risking more vomiting (I weigh under 70 kg)?
I have a little problem with my stomach (like acid reflux and stomach pain from time to time, probably due to the pain medications), so I probably should be prepared for vomiting, I thought a reclining position like in Stan's Guide would be optimal to not cause further stomach upset.
(10) To prevent vomiting further, should the last Metoclopramide dosage (30mg an hour before SN) combined with Ondansetron or Domperidone or is there anything else that would help. --- I have these Marinol/Dronabinol drops but I doubt they would help as a static dosage? If I would use these Cannabinoid drops for a week (is that enough) to decrease the chance of vomiting, because my stomach is weird.
(11) Someone mentioned a burning mouth, throat and stomach after ingesting SN, which could trigger vomiting reflex, would it be helpful to use lidocaine spray to shortly numb the mouth and maybe gurgle and swallowing a little too numb the throat, I think the stomach won't be affected by this? To prevent any kind of vomit reflex, because of my stomach (!)
(12) And I remember reading someone said, that they had some kind of burning something in their stomach. Would taking Tramadol help in decreasing the pain?
Amitriptyline cocktail:
I have everything (except for Midazolam, but that could be substituted for Lorazepam, they wrote) for the "advanced" version of the Amitritpyline cocktail, that was posted on the Suicide Wikibooks (7-8 grams Amitriptyline, 2 grams Cimetidine, 300 mg Lorazepam, 300 mg Diazepam with two days anti-emetic regime of metoclopramide)
(13) Should I increase the Benzodiazepine dosages to 500 mg, because I cannot obtain Midazolam (I don't weigh over 70kg).
(14) I have only, as mentioned around 20 hours time, so this method would be too risky compared to the SN method?
(15) Will I make any kind of noise with this kind of method?
(16) Is it reasonable to combine the SN method with the Amitriptyline cocktail to have a nearly fail-safe method? Or would it mess everything up?
(17) Is there some kind of fail-safe method with SN at all? I read that the PPH suggest 2 g Propranolol, but I'm not sure, if this is a good idea?
Sorry, for writing so much and overthinking everything (I probably forgot a lot I actually wanted you to ask) but I must not make a mistake, if I do, I will probably find myself in an upgraded version of life in hell.
Everything is really exhausting me, writing so much was also very demanding, I'm mostly laying in bed, because of extreme fatigue.
Another question that I just thought of, if it is ok to ask, I think, it has been asked a lot here, maybe something changed so I thought I should include it:
Is getting N from A difficult, if one lives in Central Europe? -- Especially because of customs and such ... Could they do a lot to me, if they would find it.
Thanks and sorry for reading so much text.
Sorry, if it could take me a little bit more time for answering, but I will make sure, that I answer in a usual time frame.
I'm sorry, if I missed information from the megathread, it is exhausting for me to research stuff or to do anything at all.
Kind and warmly wishes
this is my first post and I want to thank everyone here, who is contributing, helping, etc. and creating a safe place, where people can discuss problems, suicide, suicide methods and such because I don't know anyone I could talk about that.
I was reading the forum for a while before I thought I'm ready to join, I was a little anxious about it, tough I don't really know why, but it has probably to do something with my socialization.
Sorry, for any writing errors -- English is not my native language, I try my best.
My story:
I suffer from a rare, neurological disease that causes progressive, embarrassing and hurting disabilities, which makes my life not livable anymore (I'm basically housebound right now). The most torturing symptoms I experience are chronic pain (every second of my life) and constant shortness of breath, I never thought that could be so tormenting.
I still am able to use my arms to some extend, I'm not able to walk without crutches and only for very short lengths.
Doctors don't really care helping me with my pain, telling me that I couldn't be in so much pain, or that everything is in my head (I have valid tests that proof my disease which causes chronic pain) -- they would know ...
Sorry, I don't want to vent too much about doctors, but they -- in not helping me properly -- contribute partially to my suicide ideation. They treated me like a lifeless abstract disease something, like a (pain-)drug-seeking addict (though I have undeniable proof of my disease that causes pain) misdiagnosed and mistreated me, put me on wrong medications and wrong dosages, emotionally harassed me and they did not even said sorry for causing this to me, not a single doctor. After a long battle I'm now on a opioid dosage along with other medications for my disease, that helps a little with the chronic pain, I hope they are not going to take the pain medication away from me.
Departure:
I plan on leaving in the coming months or years, I don't know if it will be this or next or in five years, it depends mainly on the progression of my disease, my emotional wellbeing and how long I can bear this suffering, which actually is not really bearable right now. I don't live in a country, where obtaining N is legal and therfore peacefully dying with N is not possible. So the storing process is really important, if I will be unable to obtain SN in Europe in the future.
I don't want to end up demented and unable to communicate in a nursing home. I heard and know of horror stories about nursing homes, but I would not want to be there anyway, even if they, all the time, behaved respectfully etc.
Important:
I have only one try, if I fail, I will probably be monitored around the clock by my pro-life "caregivers" and will be stuck in a body that would surely torture me for decades.
Time is an important factor, I probably have around 15 - 20 hours without being looked after.
SN Method:
SN Method: Two days anti-emetic regime of metoclopramid: 15mg Metoclopramide every 8 hours and fasting 8 hours before leaving. Taking one hour before SN: 1000mg paracetamol and 100-200mg Tramadol, Half an our before SN: Longer acting Benzodiazepines (probably 20-30mg diazepam), 30 mg Metoclopramide, 800mg Cimetidine, maybe 120mg Propranolol, 20 minutes before SN: Short acting Benzodiazepine (Alprazolam or Lorazepam equivalent to 20 mg diazepam) and preparing three extra 25 g SN with 50ml water in case of vomiting.
I bought two bottles from the Polish seller, that now has disappeared, I must have been one of their last customers -- I don't know what happened to their store, because I don't know of anywhere else where I could get SN here in Europe, when the SN goes bad.
I opened one bottle of SN (it is a plastic bottle with a ring around the cap, and "teeth" in between), I don't know, if they were opened by customs, they didn't looked too tightly sealed. To test one of the bottles I followed jake3d's aquarium method:
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-an-aquarium-testing-kit-rough-version.18188/
(The quality was good.)
I immediately closed the bottle after putting the needed amount out of the bottle. After a week or so I realized, that I probably have to be more careful in storing the two bottles. So I put
desiccant, silica gel and oxygen absorber into a bag with one SN bottle and vacuumed sealed it and did so with the other.
Questions:
(1) Should I put desiccant and oxygen absorber bags into the opened SN bottle, that is, open it again and pressing this bags into the bottle? Should I open the other bottle (now closed, I don't know if customs opened it) and do the same? Would oxygen absorbing bags (or silica gel bags) have any negative impact on the salt?
(2) Would it help anything if afterwards I vacuum sealed the bottles and putting besides, outside the bottles additional absorbent bags?
I think, the SN was at least one time exposed to air, when the seller or the chemist produced it, and I doubt it is vacuum sealed in the bottle.
(3) I thought about putting the SN into a bag and vacuum seal it, but the vacuum sealer would probably suck in all the salt, right? I guess, there is way of vacuum seal just the salt?
(4) If the jake3d's aquarium test is positive, say in five years (probably a long time), does that mean it would still be effective for a dignified death? No matter if the bottle was opened or not. I guess, the aquarium method is more reliant than the finger prick blood method, right? How long will SN be good, if I do all the precautions I mentioned.
(5) Noise: Will I make any kind of noise, while I'm unconscious? I could try to dampen the sound of vomiting with a cushion.
I can also use a white noise generator to dampen the noise. Should I lock the door and put something in front of it? I thought I will put some kind of thick plastic adhesive seal around the doors edges and the lock-opening to prevent noise from getting out. Because if I'm too loud I could get attention, so I would wait until everyone is asleep.
(6) I read that it is ok, if it looks a little yellowish and clumps, right?
(7) Are there any other sources to obtain SN in Europe, if it goes bad?
(8) Are four hours really the maximum time to die from 25 grams SN in 50ml water? (I think, this was the longest time I read on here) I'm taking oral extended release 10mg oxycodone twice a day, would that increase the time to die?
(9) Is it reasonable to increase the SN dosage from 25 g to 50 g or would I just be risking more vomiting (I weigh under 70 kg)?
I have a little problem with my stomach (like acid reflux and stomach pain from time to time, probably due to the pain medications), so I probably should be prepared for vomiting, I thought a reclining position like in Stan's Guide would be optimal to not cause further stomach upset.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/
(10) To prevent vomiting further, should the last Metoclopramide dosage (30mg an hour before SN) combined with Ondansetron or Domperidone or is there anything else that would help. --- I have these Marinol/Dronabinol drops but I doubt they would help as a static dosage? If I would use these Cannabinoid drops for a week (is that enough) to decrease the chance of vomiting, because my stomach is weird.
(11) Someone mentioned a burning mouth, throat and stomach after ingesting SN, which could trigger vomiting reflex, would it be helpful to use lidocaine spray to shortly numb the mouth and maybe gurgle and swallowing a little too numb the throat, I think the stomach won't be affected by this? To prevent any kind of vomit reflex, because of my stomach (!)
(12) And I remember reading someone said, that they had some kind of burning something in their stomach. Would taking Tramadol help in decreasing the pain?
Amitriptyline cocktail:
I have everything (except for Midazolam, but that could be substituted for Lorazepam, they wrote) for the "advanced" version of the Amitritpyline cocktail, that was posted on the Suicide Wikibooks (7-8 grams Amitriptyline, 2 grams Cimetidine, 300 mg Lorazepam, 300 mg Diazepam with two days anti-emetic regime of metoclopramide)
(13) Should I increase the Benzodiazepine dosages to 500 mg, because I cannot obtain Midazolam (I don't weigh over 70kg).
(14) I have only, as mentioned around 20 hours time, so this method would be too risky compared to the SN method?
(15) Will I make any kind of noise with this kind of method?
(16) Is it reasonable to combine the SN method with the Amitriptyline cocktail to have a nearly fail-safe method? Or would it mess everything up?
(17) Is there some kind of fail-safe method with SN at all? I read that the PPH suggest 2 g Propranolol, but I'm not sure, if this is a good idea?
Sorry, for writing so much and overthinking everything (I probably forgot a lot I actually wanted you to ask) but I must not make a mistake, if I do, I will probably find myself in an upgraded version of life in hell.
Everything is really exhausting me, writing so much was also very demanding, I'm mostly laying in bed, because of extreme fatigue.
Another question that I just thought of, if it is ok to ask, I think, it has been asked a lot here, maybe something changed so I thought I should include it:
Is getting N from A difficult, if one lives in Central Europe? -- Especially because of customs and such ... Could they do a lot to me, if they would find it.
Thanks and sorry for reading so much text.
Sorry, if it could take me a little bit more time for answering, but I will make sure, that I answer in a usual time frame.
I'm sorry, if I missed information from the megathread, it is exhausting for me to research stuff or to do anything at all.
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-megathread.1156/
Kind and warmly wishes
