My Story: Compilation Thread

[Water-Lily]

I am thinking of putting all my stories within one thread as opposed to making each chapter its own separate post. I wanted to do this initially but figured it would cause confusion. I have 2 questions:

1) Would posting all the chapters into one thread be easier to navigate? My plan is to put all the chapters, starting with my introduction, into the comment section within this thread.

2) Should this series be within this part of the forum or the off topic section?

I also want to note that this story series I am doing is a way for me to express my thoughts and also understand my mind when I am in a suicidal place. It is also therapeutic and it's fun seeing other people enjoy it. If anyone has suggestions on what I could do better do let me know. I just hope what I am dong isn't causing trouble in any way.

 

[Water-Lily]

Introduction:

My name is…Mary. I would put my real name but you can never be too vulnerable. This might be found in the hands of the wrong people and I would rather be safe. So, you might be wondering…why am I writing this? Well, it's to detail a story. A story of suicide. Story where I make ending my life its own goal. And in doing so, I discover something more. This is the story of how I learned to live.

Chapter 1: Dreary Night

"Fuck you dad, I mother fucking hate you!"
"Just shut up and stay in your room!"

This is my reality. At 23 years old my life should be filled with promise. Promise of independence. Promise of one day having my own job, spending time with friends and even having a boyfriend. But most of all, to grow. To grow and to live. Sadly, that isn't the case. Because right now I am trapped. Trapped in a family situation that ceases to get better. In a situation where I am forced into adulthood at a rate I shouldn't. It adds to my depression and BPD, both of which leave me in a highly vulnerable state of mine. A state that leaves me in a position to want to take my own life out of desperation. Sadly with no job, degree, or any way out I am to stay here till I can get out. Whenever that is. By this rate it might be a few more years. But…I can tough it out I think-

"Fuck you dad I hope you go die in a hole!"

Never mind. Thankfully I have plan B. Jesus, I am about to cry now. I don't want to die but I don't know what else to do. In a fucked up way, I know I have to do this. Because if not, I will suffer. So tonight is the night that I commit suicide

Chapter 2: The Fall of Impulsivity

Immediately, with a horrible headache and tears streaming down my face, I decide to start packing. Since I am going to die, I really don't need much. A metro card, clothes, my phone, and that's really it. As I change quickly and grab my phone and card I stop in my tracks. I always told myself that, if I were to commit suicide, I would leave behind a suicide note. Meant to act as revenge against those who pushed me to this level. However, I know if I do that now it would only make things worse. All I can do is hope that my suicide reaches those who hurt me and maybe, just maybe, they might give a shit. Or not.

I open my bedroom door slowly. I listen closely. The arguing seems to have stopped. As I solely tip toe my way out, I see my father's body on the ground. Asleep on his futon. Sighing some relief, I carefully walk towards the door. However, my footing makes a creaking noise on the ground. As my heart drops a tired voice utters "Mary…is that you?". My father is awake. How the hell do I deal with this situation? "Mary, what are you doing? Where are you going?" Shit shit shit! What the fuck do I do now?! If I stay, I am forced to answer but if I go it'll make everything worse. My flight response kicks in and I rush for the door. In my heightened state I fumble to open the door. But after a few seconds I unlock the door and make my way out. I start running down the hallway and eventually down the stairs. It is only when I get outside that I take time to breathe. At this moment there really is no turning back. Suicide is my only option

Chapter 3: Running Away

After double checking that I have my card and phone, I make a race down the block. I have 5 blocks total to cover in this freezing weather. I'm not even halfway down and I already start feeling the cold on my body. With no coat, scarf, hat, or mittens, I feel like an ice block. I could turn back now and go into my comfy bed. Yet, what does that matter if my home environment is unhealthy? The comfiness will be met with trauma and abuse, so it's not even worth it. I decide to push on.

With enough effort I manage to get towards the end of the street. I am met with a red light, so I am forced to wait. As I sigh heavily, I notice the ground beneath me. It is covered in white fluffy snow. I look up and see the snow falling. It is both painful, yet beautiful. Painful because I could literally die of hypothermia, but beautiful in that snow casts an amazing color on the ground. As I continue to marvel at the snow while shivering, a feel a tap on my shoulder from behind. Frightened, I turn around. It's…my neighbor. I can't be dealing with this. I was hoping I wouldn't have to bump into anyone I knew, anyone at all. And now her?! "Ah…" I am at a loss for words. What the hell do I do?! Confused she responds "Mary, what are you doing out here in this freezing weather? And especially with no coat or hat on? Is everything alright? Did you get into a fight with your dad and brother again?". I am overwhelmed with emotion. I clenched my numb fists tightly "Leave…" No, I can't curse her out. But wait…of course I can. I am going to die so nothing matters. I'll just curse at her in such a way she won't even want to follow me. "Look…just leave me…the fuck alone!" I say without staring at her face. She seemed at a loss for words. Turning back around I see that the light has changed. And with that I take off once again.

 

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Chapter 4: Realizing the Situation

"Shit, Shit, SHIT!" I think to myself. As I continue to run down the street my heart continues to race. I cannot believe I did that. Never have I ever cursed out someone like that. Especially someone I know. At this point there is no turning back. No way I could. After how I treated her back there, she would never forgive me. But then, why do I care? Why do I care if I am going to kill myself? With that thought, I stop in my tracks. She was probably watching me from afar. I turn back around, only to see that she has gone. Knowing her, she is going to let my father know.

As I stare into the sky I start crying. Warm tears immediately turn cold with the snowy weather. I fucked up. I fucked up my whole fucking life. Dammit, why can't I do anything right?! Mary, why did you have to be so stupid?! You know you could turn back around and go home but that will only cause more problems. Argh, you are such a fucking bitch?!

Deep breaths, Mary, deep breaths. My heartbeat slows. A booming headache appears at my temples. My fists turn numb and my body shakes with the cold. I have fucked up beyond redemption. I dug my own grave. I have to pay the price. I am nothing but a worthless bitch who deserves to die. Everyone will be happy when I am gone.

With that I stare ahead of myself. The light has turned to the walking sign. Not caring anymore and in a daze, I stumble across the street.

 

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Chapter 5: Giving up

What does it even matter anymore? Why am I even trying? I am worthless. I will probably just chicken out once I get to the bridge. Maybe I need to rest a little. With my pounding headache and near frozen body, I slowly make my onto the other side. Breathing heavily, I stare ahead of me. But of course, I can barely see a fucking thing because my glasses are fogged up. "Great, just FUCKING great!" I mumble to myself. Actually, you know what? Fuck the glasses. With anger and impatience, I place my numb hands around the rim of my glasses and peel them off. I violently shake my glasses until they give way and snap. Raising my leg into the air I smash it onto the broken glasses. I drop the disconnected rim and kick it to the side.

I'm tired of always being nice, you know? Is this what it feels like to be a "bad girl"? Just to not give a shit and say "fuck society"? I have always been bullied. Always been teased and picked on. Always been abused and messed with. At home, at school, and even at fucking college. People snickered at me and laughed all because I "raised my hand too much" or "because I looked pretty". I was sometimes too dumb, silly, or just plain weird. Nobody ever gave a shit about me, nobody ever cared. Maybe I should die right here. Maybe there is no point in getting to the bridge and jumping. I should just drop onto the snow and let my body freeze to death. Nobody would care anyways. I lay my worthless and disgusting body onto the snow. With my arms and legs spread out I close my eyes and just let the world take me. Maybe I'll freeze. Maybe I'll starve. I don't care. I just want to die because that's what I deserve.

Minuets pass by and I can already feel my body freezing. As I was about to accept my fate, I felt something licking my cheek. It felt a little rough but also familiar. Turning my head to the side I see something furry. I can't make it out too well, but it appears to be orange with yellow eyes. Before I could say anything, it makes a small "meow".

Is this hope?

 

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Chapter 6: A Furry Friend

Licking my face over and over, my cheeks blush. My numb lips turn upwards into a wide smile. Feeling a bit courageous, I sit up. Turning to my side I notice the cat. Staring back at, me it sits down into an upward position. I am so happy right now. I still want to die, but I feel so happy. Before anything could get as worse as it's gotten now, I met this furry creature. It doesn't seem aggressive in any way. And since it licked me, I assume its friendly. Hesitant, I slowly reach my hand out towards the kitten. Its ears perk up as it began to purr. This almost feels unreal. After the whole ordeal I had I now had something to bring me some comfort. Standing up on my two feet, I bend down to pick up the cat. Normally picking up an animal of any kind ca be dangerous, but I was so desperate for love I didn't care. The cat didn't seem to mind. It pressed itself against my body and started kneading my chest.

I still want to die. Going back home in this state will push me over the edge anyways. Since nobody cares, besides this cat, I am still going to commit suicide Holding the cat tight and feeling a bit warmer in my soul, I take off down the street.

 

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Chapter 7: Why Stop Me?

Holding my furry friend close to my chest I am met at yet another stop light. But this time I don't care to look. I don't bother to see if anyone is driving down the street. Why should I care? I hate myself after all. And since nobody would care I should die right? It would beat having to go to the bridge if I could do it here. And as my luck would have it, a car was seen in the distance. It was driving pretty fast. Though maybe it wouldn't kill me it would at least hurt me. I figured "fuck it" and prepared myself for the potential end. I took a large breath and held it in. When the car got close enough I exhaled and felt my heart beat out my chest. This is so scary. With one foot out I was making my way in front of the car. And just before I could get in front of it, my friend clawed at my chest. Feeling the pain, I jolt back, and the car drives past. Confused, I stare down at my friend who is clutching hard at my chest. "Why…" I thought. Why was it trying to hold me back? Though I was mad I couldn't harm it. I couldn't abuse the poor thing. Sighing, I hold the cat out towards me and stare at it with a confused and angry expression. It closes its eyes and yawns loudly. "Why did you save me?" I said out loud. The cat began to purr in response. "Guess I'm not gonna get a straight answer out of you huh?" I said. The cat tilted its head to the side. Look at me. A failed suicide attempt and now I'm talking to a cat. Whatever, the bridge is not far from here. Placing the cat close to my chest, I make my way across the street. From here its till the end of the block. The train station.

 

[Water-Lily]

I am thinking of making little illustrations here and there about situations that take place in my story. I figure I would start with how I envision the cat:

 

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Chapter 8: BPD Spiral

"Hey, do you ever have regrets?" I say out loud. I figure if I am gonna start talking to a cat like a crazy person, I might as well keep it up. I'm already a crazy person for wanting to kill myself. I stop walking halfway to the station. My legs begin to tremble. They give way and my knees sink into the snow covered sidewalk. The pain is muffled by the sound my crying mixed with a fountain of tears. With all my strength I squeeze my cat friend hard and start bawling. "WHY? WHY AM I SUCH A BAD FUCKING PERSON?! WHY THE HELL CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?! I AM JUST A FUCKING BITCH!". So many people could probably hear me by now. But I didn't care. With nobody walking about I felt safe. I had a cat by my side, and I needed to cry. With my pounding headache back, I just cry over and over.



Throughout my life I have done bad things. Said things that hurt people. Lashed out at them and was overall a bitch. One could give me a pat on the back and say, "you were in pain" or "you just react due to the abuse done to you". But I should know better. I should have known better. For the people I brought pain to, I'm sorry. I hope maybe with my death I can be forgiven. After some time has passed my kitten begins to yelp. I've been squeezing so hard I forgot I was hurting the poor thing. I relaxed my grip and the cat turned to my ear. It began to nibble and lightly lick my ear. Feeling a little assured I kissed my kitten on its cheek and whisper, "Let's go". Staggering to stand I continue on my way.

This journey…it will absolve me of the pain and trauma of living in an abusive household while also, in some twisted manipulative and sympathetic way, get people to care for me. Especially those I've hurt.

I'm sorry. I hope this will absolve every one of my sins.

 

[Water-Lily]

Chapter 9: Felix

"Say, what the hell should I name you?" I say out loud. Or rather to the cat. I figure since I am fucking stupid and idiotic, I might as well make myself even more stupid by talking out loud to a cat. It's not like it can even understand a word I'm saying but, oh well. I'm down this path so far, might as well continue my destructive path to suicide. Sighing heavily, I put it out towards my face



"Felix. I don't know if you're a boy or a girl but Felix is your name" I say. "Meow!" Felix responded. Chuckling, I hold Felix close to my chest. Only a few more steps until the dreaded descent into the train station.

 

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Chapter 10: Kill me Now

Well, I am here. The train station. Staring below is a bright yellow light. The light reveals a grey and worn-down staircase leading towards the platform. Its covered in dirt, spit, and germs swept up in the day to day lives of people. People that I will probably never encounter. Of course, it's not like I cared for people much anyways. It's just, this will be my last train ride. Is this really want I want? Do I really want to throw away my life? All because of some trauma and abuse? Do I want to throw away my years of hard work? I had reached out to some friends about helping me get a cat, sent out an email to create a new club in my school, and started working towards changing my diet.

Do I really want to throw it all away?

No. No I don't. I want to be happy. I want to be free. But I also feel jealous. Jealous of everyone who had it better than me. Jealous of everyone who has good homes. Jealous of everyone who had good childhoods. Jealous of everyone who has boyfriends. Jealous, of everything everyone has that I never got. I never got a mom that loved me. Nor a father, nor a sibling, not even a god damned family. And on top of that, being bullied in school. Not even teachers liked me. Not even strangers. Everyone seemed to be against me. And yet I lived. I lived because I really believed things would "get better". Heh, fuck who ever said that. Because it's not true. And now here I am. A 23-year-old brat with a cat. Now as an adult I have to find my "own" family. I have to be "responsible". I can't be "coddled" anymore. But what people don't realize about growing up when you don't have a good foundation is that you have to raise yourself. You have to raise yourself without having a god damned idea of what that's like. You have to parent yourself. And in doing that you are gonna fuck up. I fucked up, hurt people, hurt myself, etc. I am a monster and an abuser. And because of that, I have to do this.

For validation

For love

For revenge

For everything.

Heh. Alright then. I am ready to take the plunge. And with that, holding Felix close, I rush down the stairs. Some dirty water drips onto my already damaged hair. I feel the water drip down my back adding to the already freezing temperatures of outside. Unfortunately, my legs start to give out. Being in the freezing temperatures made my body weak and numb. Unable to feel the steps below, I trip and fall down. I fall onto the ground, in a dirty puddle, deep in pain, and in misery. Drips of dirty water hit my face. In my fall, Felix had managed to come out of my embrace. Seeing me in pain, Felix began to lick my face.





Maybe I should just sit here. Let someone walk past me and abuse me. I don't care, I just want to die. Dear God, please kill me now. I am worth nothing.

 

[FriendofDeath]

Sounds like a very smart cat. My own have given me some hope on numerous occasions, and they also count on me for food, shelter, and affection. I'm part of a group that cares for feral cats, and there was a plea to help find a home for a game cat whose human who is in hospice care for cancer. She said that cat never made a sound until her human was asking for help. No one could hear him, so the cat took it upon itself to get their attention by meowing for the first time. I don't think talking to a cat is odd or crazy - just shows you're in tune with your furry critter. Love your Felix, and drawings to illustrate.

 

[Water-Lily]

Chapter 11: Devious Man

"Mhngggggg….." I moan. My face feels wet against the dirty and cold water. As I breathe slowly through my nostrils, dirty water move into my nose. It triggers my reflex and I immediately sit up straight. While doing so I cough and blow through my nose. My neck also makes a slight "pop" due to having fell in such an awkward position. In front of me lies Felix. He walks over to me and places his paw on my knee. Even as I hate myself for not managing to snap my neck on the way down, Felix's kindness wins me over. I manage to crack a dumb smile



Felix meowed happily and left into my arms. I held him tight against my chest. He didn't seem to mind rubbing his face into my dirty and wet hair. He was just happy that I was still alive. I wish I could say the same. Hopefully I can get to the bridge and say my goodbyes for real. Maybe even break my neck on the way down. While pondering these possibilities, I hear footsteps near the top of the stairs. I turn my head quickly and see an ominous man. His face is covered by his spikey hair and green hat. However, he cracks a devious smile showing off his teeth. I gasp in fear as Felix glares in anger.

 

[Apathy79]

Love the angry cat pic!