Story My story and why I'm here.

[Folie]

Hello everyone! I'm a 37 year old female from the US. I've suffered with painful medical conditions since I was 22. It's been a rough road and Interstitial Cystitis has taken everything away from me. I deal with constant chronic moderate-severe pain every single day. I never go into any sort of remission like a handful of others do with the condition. There's no known cause and there's no cure. I have an Interstim (like a pacemaker for the bladder in my case) that keeps me from urinating up to 60 times a day. I still go more than most people, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was before I got the implant.

I live at home with my mom. I'm moving in with my boyfriend in a few months. His parents basically bought us a house on the lake right next to theirs. (It's gorgeous there...) I have so much to look forward to, but I feel I am a CONSTANT BURDEN to those I love the most. My mom helps me with so much. She does all my shopping, gets my meds, helps me with food... she does everything when I'm hurting. I'm extremely lucky to have people who care. However, I don't want to put this on my boyfriend of six years. He knows all about my condition. He's understanding of it, but not quite as understanding as my mom. I mean, we've never lived together before... Does he know what he's in for? I continue to enlighten him about IC (interstitial cystitis) and PBS (painful bladder syndrome.) He just doesn't seem like he wants to "take care of me" the way mom does. He wants me to be more independent, but he doesn't understand that there are simply days or times where I can't, and I can't help it. It's so frustrating!

I have thought about ctb for a loooooong time. I'm barely holding on as my condition seems to worsen and the pain is getting worse. There's no real way to treat this condition. It's awful. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. My life is comparable to someone with end stage renal failure.

A year before all of this started I was diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar II, insomnia, OCD, Adult ADD, and borderline personality disorder. This certainly didn't help. At all. It made everything so much worse because I didn't know how to deal with any of it. I would self harm... It was sad.

I've grown up a lot over the years though. I still have all of those things, BUT I'm way better at recognizing and stopping myself now. The last time I cut was when my best friend passed away two years ago. It killed me. It still does. I still cry about it, but it changed me for the better. About a month later I converted from Christian to Wiccan. Best. Decision. Ever!

I could write a book about my story, but I'll spare you. lol I hope this wasn't tl;dr, but I wanted to explain my story. I don't know when it will be my time to go, but I'm okay with the fact that I might be the one to end my own life soon, and people should be happy that I won't have to suffer anymore. It's all about how much longer can I take the pain... I've dealt with it for so long... I just don't know how much more I have left in me...

Thanks for reading. <333
I hope to make many friends!

~Folie

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I have nothing to offer you, but I just wanted to say.. that seriously sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? I know you said he knows what about your illnesses, but have you told him the same thing you told us? Have you really explained what you're going through and how you feel he doesn't quite get it, even if he's aware of your struggles, and that this is bothering you?

 

[Folie]

@ohhgeeitsme

I have nothing to offer you, but I just wanted to say.. that seriously sucks. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? I know you said he knows what about your illnesses, but have you told him the same thing you told us? Have you really explained what you're going through and how you feel he doesn't quite get it, even if he's aware of your struggles, and that this is bothering you?

(I don't know how to quote. I tried. xD)

I've spoken to him about how I will need help, and he seems to understand. Does he know how serious I am about not being able to continue on in life? No. I wouldn't know where to begin with that. He does know how I feel like a burden though, and when I told him that he said, "Well, then don't be a burden." I lost it. Like completely broke down. I couldn't believe it. He went on to say he didn't mean it "like that" and stuff, but whatever. Words can hurt. That was a while ago. It's what kicked in the idea of ctb sooner than later. I just don't think he gets it. In the end, I don't think ANYONE understands what I'm going though...

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

You're right. No one can truly understand what you're going through, but validation and support from loved ones can go a long way. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't get exactly what we need from others, even if they mean well. If I were in your shoes, his response would also make me feel awful. I really do hope it works out though. It's possible he'll come around after actually living together and being able to experience this side of you more. It's easy for me to say, just be completely honest and tell him exactly what you told us (and you should), but I know that's easier said than done and I can't even take my own advice either because I'm the same way. I don't know why it's so damn difficult to open up completely in a time of need, but it really is. Much love to you.

 

[Folie]

I just feel so lucky to have him. Having sex is hard for me. I never know if I'm going to be dying in pain after or not. He's so patient. If he were a bad guy I wouldn't be with him. He seems to accept me for me, but the things he says sometimes are a little worrying. I'm also hoping that once he lives with me he will see and be more understanding than he already is. I hope he can cope... I just hate it for him. I feel like I am the one putting him through the rough road with me... I'm not even sure it's fair to him, but he loves me and wants to be with me because he's definitely the kinda guy that would be like BYE if things weren't ok. lol I just don't want to get moved in and then him be like, "I can't do this." It's my biggest fear for sure!