Venting My soul is tired

[EmptyTank]

Hi all,

As per the thread title, I'm at a loss. I don't see how I can keep going through life, yet somehow I always do, either through determination or stupidity.

I'm 28, and have been wanting to ctb since I was about 14. Nothing really has changed since then, except me now being in therapy for I think 2 or 3 years and being on meds.

I changed in a lot of ways, mainly my shyness and social anxiety. But my root issues? The trauma and flashbacks that go through my head? Those never really changed, my depression either for the most part.

I tried everything, getting off my butt and getting a job, getting out of my comfort zone, you name it, but nothing has worked.

I wonder if I'm even supposed to stay on this Earth. Like, I wonder if God is trying to push me to suicide and influence others lives in that way.

Because continuing to live feels like a fool's errand. A lost cause I didn't get the memo on.

I wonder if I'll ever get the courage to go through with it, instead of trying to live for my family.

I've been trying so hard for so long, I don't know how much longer I can make it.

 

[MrDarkness]

I know the feeling, my soul wants to sleep I've been fighting my whole life, I'm tired of fighting I'm so tired

 

[saderaser]

We are on the same boat. Life is too long and hard to bear. We've tried everything we could but still want to die, like wth is going on? I would't call it stupidity though, I think you're amazing because you think for others and tried very hard to stay alive, that is impressive. I wish I could give you a hug. I have decided to ctb soon after years of struggle but I must admit it's sad because I've tried so much, I've changed so much yet the result stays the same. I hope you find peace whether you are because you deserve it. You've done well.

 

[kurtis]

Hi all,

As per the thread title, I'm at a loss. I don't see how I can keep going through life, yet somehow I always do, either through determination or stupidity.

I'm 28, and have been wanting to ctb since I was about 14. Nothing really has changed since then, except me now being in therapy for I think 2 or 3 years and being on meds.

I changed in a lot of ways, mainly my shyness and social anxiety. But my root issues? The trauma and flashbacks that go through my head? Those never really changed, my depression either for the most part.

I tried everything, getting off my butt and getting a job, getting out of my comfort zone, you name it, but nothing has worked.

I wonder if I'm even supposed to stay on this Earth. Like, I wonder if God is trying to push me to suicide and influence others lives in that way.

Because continuing to live feels like a fool's errand. A lost cause I didn't get the memo on.

I wonder if I'll ever get the courage to go through with it, instead of trying to live for my family.

I've been trying so hard for so long, I don't know how much longer I can make it.

Hi all,

As per the thread title, I'm at a loss. I don't see how I can keep going through life, yet somehow I always do, either through determination or stupidity.

I'm 28, and have been wanting to ctb since I was about 14. Nothing really has changed since then, except me now being in therapy for I think 2 or 3 years and being on meds.

I changed in a lot of ways, mainly my shyness and social anxiety. But my root issues? The trauma and flashbacks that go through my head? Those never really changed, my depression either for the most part.

I tried everything, getting off my butt and getting a job, getting out of my comfort zone, you name it, but nothing has worked.

I wonder if I'm even supposed to stay on this Earth. Like, I wonder if God is trying to push me to suicide and influence others lives in that way.

Because continuing to live feels like a fool's errand. A lost cause I didn't get the memo on.

I wonder if I'll ever get the courage to go through with it, instead of trying to live for my family.

I've been trying so hard for so long, I don't know how much longer I can make it.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I suffer with depression as well and I feel like there's no hope almost every day. But don't give up. From what it seems you're doing very well, and that's good. There are people who suffer the same, and I can tell you that it will be okay if you make it okay. It hurts, but he'll you're still alive and that's great.

 

[Strawberry_Clouds]

I feel this, I'm so tired of living, I hope we can both find peace, whether alive or dead

 

[Zegers]

May we find wellness

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound so tiring what you've had to endure, it's such a dreadful existence where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own, to me there could never be any real relief from suffering in this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to endure. I can relate to it in some ways as there is no solution for "mental illness" to be cured when the actual source and reason cannot be cured and eliminated. I can really understand you are tired of all this after you tried so hard to get better after all. I hope you can find peace and I wish you all the best!

 

[EmptyTank]

Still not feeling any better :/

In fact it's getting worse, and I'm worrying less about hurting my family. I just want the pain to stop...

The way forward if I want to keep living is to pick up some jobs like Uber Eats, Instacart, and work in the summer heat, and come home to fill out more applications and do more interviews until I stop getting turned down.

It sounds exhausting, and simply hanging or shooting myself sounds nicer, especially with the promise of rest, and peace for eternity.

Or I could just check out mentally and wallow in my misery, but where's the fun in that? I'll get called lazy and good for nothing, and told to force myself to get through this and that it'll be worth it.

I just don't see how it can be worth it at the moment. I think I'm just too far gone.

I appreciate the kind words though, and I have a question...

Are there any ways to possibly make the whole ordeal less traumatic for my loved ones? Like, I thought about leaving a note, and doing it away from potential discovery by them.

But what else could I do? Because I don't think I can keep living anymore...

Maybe I can even make it accidental idk

 

[nyee]

Leaving a note going in detail explaining what caused you to go down this route could help the people close to you gain closure and empathise with the decisions you may make.

 

[girlsboysthems]

same here, except it started around 13 and im 21ish? now and i see shit is getting worser and worser every month, i dont know how much longer i can take and i hate my therapist for suggesting "its going to get better after brain stops developing". i see by you and all other older people here that it does work like that... also i feel you man. sucks to be us ):

 

[rosenrot]

I know what you mean. You try your hardest but nothing works and in the end it feels like everything was worth nothing