My SO's friends upset me

[Life_and_Death]

to start off with this isnt a case of "i dont want you hanging out with your friends because im selfish". no, its me so of course its because "i have problems". i have zero idea what to do about it and having bpd i dont think "try to ignore it" is really the option here.

i dont like his friends simply because i dont fit in. im not saying i need to be with him 24/7 and do everything he does kind of thing. just as someone thats left out, being left out again, especially in an emotional situation, doesnt feel good at all. bpd, abandonment issues, extreme emotions.

the last time (that i knew about), i totally freaked out, i got upset and my bpd was causing problems for a us again. i dont want to cause problems but i dont know how to not...

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine how that adds up to make you feel. Tho I feel left out when my gf talks to her friends too. It's always on video calls that I can't join in on because she wears a headset to talk. And she talks for hours every day. It makes me feel neglected and unwanted.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm so sorry :( I can't imagine how that adds up to make you feel. Tho I feel left out when my gf talks to her friends too. It's always on video calls that I can't join in on because she wears a headset to talk. And she talks for hours every day. It makes me feel neglected and unwanted.

while i can admit mines a personal problem (he gives me "more than enough" attention, bpd aside), but that does sound like neglect. you guys should be having couples time, not ignored with a headset for hours. an hour or 2, ok but if youre with someone they should be your #1 have you talked to your gf about it?

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I actually just talked to my therapist about bpd today and did I guess a short screening for it because Ive had suspicions for awhile now, he said hes going to get a second opinion but seems to agree that I have a *lot* of the symptoms
And I can relate pretty heavily to this, abandonment issues especially

I had problems like that a lot with my ex
Jealous because she seemed to be more excited talking to her friends than me, upset because really I couldnt relate to a lot of them- and I really wanted to just so I wasnt left out of the circle every time they did something without me
It didnt help she didnt want most of them to know we were even dating for awhile... made me feel like I wasnt important or that she was ashamed of me

The amount of times I fully convinced myself she was going to leave me and just hadnt had that conversation with me yet, mini panic attacks on evey new text...
I still remember blowing up at her after completely misunderstanding a situation, way down the line we talked about it and she told me she never could trust me again after that moment
Thats what made her lose feelings for me and its frustrating knowing I cant fix it and probably wont ever learn to control it

I literally spent a whole year after just trying to learn to be a better person
I never wanted to hurt someone the way I hurt her again
I made a lot of new friends through that effort but lost every single one before the year was up
Its one of the reasons Ive given up entirely on trying to make new friends or date, I just dont feel like I can be a good friend or partner for anyone and nothing Ive tried has helped me change
So I just isolate and refuse to let anyone get close, go out of my way to avoid people I think Im starting to like too much, at least this way Im the only one that gets hurt



I hope your SO understands where youre coming from
Maybe itd be worth it to try and facilitate a better connection between you and their friends? After my ex stopped being so secretive about the relationship, being able to actually hang out with her *and* them did help sometimes for me, to the point where some of them I was starting to consider my friends too before she cut me off from them
Although, it also gave me more opportunities to feel like I didnt really belong there... and that doesnt really help much
Im sorry I dont have much helpful advice or I would have probably taken it back then when it mattered
But still, hopefully things work out for the better for you
You deserve to feel welcome and included, and I hope your SO is putting in some effort to help you get there

 

[Grav]

Is your he spending more time with them than you? Have you discussed with him your feelings and concerns? That sounds obvious but lots of times it's not always done. I do most of my activities with my friends and never was my wife included but we've talked about it and we both understand when it's an issue (a lot less now than years ago). She has no interest in the activities I do with friends but we have actually started to include her in my RPG game.

 

[makethepainstop]

Well, what is of the most importance to you? Having your hunk, or feeling uneasy with his friends? If he is the most important, then you have to learn to tolerate his friends.
If he is not the most important, and your feelings are most important............

 

[Life_and_Death]

I hope your SO understands where youre coming from
Maybe itd be worth it to try and facilitate a better connection between you and their friends? After my ex stopped being so secretive about the relationship, being able to actually hang out with her *and* them did help sometimes for me, to the point where some of them I was starting to consider my friends too before she cut me off from them
Although, it also gave me more opportunities to feel like I didnt really belong there... and that doesnt really help much
Im sorry I dont have much helpful advice or I would have probably taken it back then when it mattered
But still, hopefully things work out for the better for you
You deserve to feel welcome and included, and I hope your SO is putting in some effort to help you get there

hes trying and wants me to be apart of things, but his interests is the one interest im not interested in XD im an outside girl and hes a gamer person. im barely just learning how to click the power button XD (thats only a semi joke, i literally needed to get my friend out of class in middle school to help me put my work on a USB. in high school i purposefully botched my writing test (wpm thing) just so they wouldnt know i was actually not much better than that, pathetic). i couldnt be any farther away from fitting in. he does try and wants to include me, but when i have no idea about the conversation and my bpd makes it easier to "accept rejection", its so easy to crash.
the idea would be to learn his thing so i can fit into the conversation i guess, but i struggle to understand his thing. im a hands on person. i can build the computer tower flawlessly, but i have no idea whats going on on the screen, its not exactly like i can touch it. ill figure out all the different bits to my dremel, before i figure out all the different brushes in krita.

Is your he spending more time with them than you?

it is in my second comment, so you might have missed it

he gives me "more than enough" attention, bpd aside

Well, what is of the most importance to you? Having your hunk, or feeling uneasy with his friends? If he is the most important, then you have to learn to tolerate his friends.
If he is not the most important, and your feelings are most important............

im gonna guess you have zero understanding about bpd because your entire comment is the exact opposite. i did even say "ignoring it isnt an option" and "learning to tolerate" is basically the same thing.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

hes trying and wants me to be apart of things, but his interests is the one interest im not interested in XD im an outside girl and hes a gamer person. im barely just learning how to click the power button XD (thats only a semi joke, i literally needed to get my friend out of class in middle school to help me put my work on a USB. in high school i purposefully botched my writing test (wpm thing) just so they wouldnt know i was actually not much better than that, pathetic). i couldnt be any farther away from fitting in. he does try and wants to include me, but when i have no idea about the conversation and my bpd makes it easier to "accept rejection", its so easy to crash.
the idea would be to learn his thing so i can fit into the conversation i guess, but i struggle to understand his thing. im a hands on person. i can build the computer tower flawlessly, but i have no idea whats going on on the screen, its not exactly like i can touch it. ill figure out all the different bits to my dremel, before i figure out all the different brushes in krita.

Ahhh yeah that makes things a little complicated
I guess I had a similar experience there too, I mean, we were all gamers, its just the game they played wasnt my favorite
I definitely tried my hardest to get into it, even playing on my own to get more experience, but that only made the feeling I didnt belong even worse sometimes so trying to force the interest definitely isnt a recommendation

I guess the next best would be to try and find something new you all enjoy?
Not that I think thats any easier, but at least the feeling of disinterest would be pretty mutual until you did find that thing
Maybe even trying to get them into your interests more if thats possible
I feel like theres gotta be *some* common ground there somewhere but I guess Im just as stumped
None of it sounds easy, to be honest

 

[Life_and_Death]

Ahhh yeah that makes things a little complicated
I guess I had a similar experience there too, I mean, we were all gamers, its just the game they played wasnt my favorite
I definitely tried my hardest to get into it, even playing on my own to get more experience, but that only made the feeling I didnt belong even worse sometimes so trying to force the interest definitely isnt a recommendation

I guess the next best would be to try and find something new you all enjoy?
Not that I think thats any easier, but at least the feeling of disinterest would be pretty mutual until you did find that thing
Maybe even trying to get them into your interests more if thats possible
I feel like theres gotta be *some* common ground there somewhere but I guess Im just as stumped
None of it sounds easy, to be honest

in the future that doesnt sound like a bad idea, we even have some mutual friends that we're gonna do activities with (if my bpd can chill out about them. the last time i saw them it wasnt on good terms and just because we message each other now, doesnt mean my bpd wants to see you. but they understand its gonna take me a little bit) and theyre more his type, so they would probably help me "transition over". but rn we're in a ldr and the friends i have a problem with, know of my existence but thinks im just another random internet person like them (theyre online friends because he streams and whatnot). because of the ldr and me still being married, our mutual friends know, but we're not really public about it because it would be difficult to explain and not worth it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

while he typically tries to be helpful "you fit in because everyone is weird" i was reading a "how to be normal" page and tried to explain to him the difference between what he probably thinks and what im looking for.
in the article i read it equated normal to not sticking out but thats not my problem. i embrace my different-ness in that sense.
we both like puzzles so i used that as an example "i dont care if im a rainbow piece in amongst all the grey pieces, but rn i feel like a side piece, im not even part of the puzzle.."
i just want to be normal but thats impossible when i dissociate (worse) when i interact with people...