![namida](/data/avatars/l/45/45426.jpg?1681784089)
namida
going out with a whimper
- Jan 5, 2023
- 20
i'm so fucking stupid. i knew my SN was going to arrive soon but i stupidly was too lazy to get dressed and go get the mail while my grandma was out. she got the mail, and opened the package. she NEVER opens my packages, so this feels like a very cruel act of god or something. but anyway, the big red warning label on the SN packet was what tipped her off. i knew this was a possibility, but i thought she wouldn't know what it was and just bring the package to me like she does with everything else i order online. the outer packaging didn't have anything that screams "DEADLY SUBSTANCE INSIDE" on it, so i just have really shitty luck that she happened to open it. i had to rip the package away from her and that's the only reason i have it.
she clearly knew what i bought it for, there's no way i can convince her that i simply bought it for cooking. she knows i'm suicidal. she's threatened to call the police if i don't give it to her. i think the only reason she hasn't so far, is because she knows just how garbage the psychiatric ward in my area is and doesn't want me to get sent back there. i don't think i could convince the police that it's just a harmless cooking preservative, because the police have been called to my house many times over suicide attempts. even if it's legal to own, i'm sure there's some loophole they could use to take it away and send me to some shitty institution.
basically, everything was going according to plan until now. now everything's fucked and i don't know if i can keep getting away with hiding the SN until my end date. i absolutely cannot take the SN before the 15th of this month, as badly as i wish i could right now. i'm afraid to leave my room or even go to sleep because she could come in and take it.
i'm not going to disclose exactly where it is, on the small chance that somehow someone i know is reading this, but i'll say that it's not in any drawer or typical place to store things. i'm still very worried she could find it and it would all be over. this is my last hope of escaping the shitty reality i live in.
does anyone have any advice for how i can hold out until my end date?? 2 weeks is a lot of time that something could go horribly wrong in. i cannot go back to the psych ward, no amount of therapy or medication will help me and i just want to be gone. i don't know what i'm going to do if i can't ctb this way, no other methods have worked. im too much of a coward. i really think SN is the only solution for me.
she clearly knew what i bought it for, there's no way i can convince her that i simply bought it for cooking. she knows i'm suicidal. she's threatened to call the police if i don't give it to her. i think the only reason she hasn't so far, is because she knows just how garbage the psychiatric ward in my area is and doesn't want me to get sent back there. i don't think i could convince the police that it's just a harmless cooking preservative, because the police have been called to my house many times over suicide attempts. even if it's legal to own, i'm sure there's some loophole they could use to take it away and send me to some shitty institution.
basically, everything was going according to plan until now. now everything's fucked and i don't know if i can keep getting away with hiding the SN until my end date. i absolutely cannot take the SN before the 15th of this month, as badly as i wish i could right now. i'm afraid to leave my room or even go to sleep because she could come in and take it.
i'm not going to disclose exactly where it is, on the small chance that somehow someone i know is reading this, but i'll say that it's not in any drawer or typical place to store things. i'm still very worried she could find it and it would all be over. this is my last hope of escaping the shitty reality i live in.
does anyone have any advice for how i can hold out until my end date?? 2 weeks is a lot of time that something could go horribly wrong in. i cannot go back to the psych ward, no amount of therapy or medication will help me and i just want to be gone. i don't know what i'm going to do if i can't ctb this way, no other methods have worked. im too much of a coward. i really think SN is the only solution for me.