Floria
Member
- Nov 5, 2020
- 34
hi guys, yesterday on telegram I wrote that I would write a thread about my situation, so here I am, I want to collect as many opinions as possible. Thank you if you'll comment.
When I was 8, I told my relatives I wanted to die. But real problems started at 12: my mother worked out of town, she was always absent, my father, on the other hand, was at home completely sedated by antidepressants and sleeping pills. So I was pretty much alone and started playing role games (I used a manga character to interact with other online roleplayers), I created a family online. One day an 18-year-old roleplayer wrote me, he began to rape my character, after a short time it was no longer about the characters but about us, he sent me photos of his penis and introduced me to the world of sex in a totally sick, excessive way, I was too young. Our story lasted 2 years, I never met him, we had phone and chat sex. this experience has fucked up my sex life, I see my body as an object and I always feel dirty inside.
When I was 14 and a half years old, I attempted suicide by swallowing 30 paracetamol tablets and then I tried to run away from home, from there I started therapy. Later I had a very toxic 4 year relationship that ended badly, without him explaining anything to me and after 1 week he rearranged and I still have no strong emotions for anyone after 2 years.
A big problem in my life is my mother, she has been anorexic since she was 16 years old and she never got help (she is a dancer). She is a control freak, rummages through my bag, checks MY money and invades my privacy (she enter my room or bathroom without knocking). The biggest problem is that she also controls my food, I had eating problems because of her sick standards, she would later hide my chocolate... She never trusted me and didn't esteem me, I dropped out of university because she doesn't believe that I can commit to something. I stopped showing up naked from her because I gained weight (now I'm weight shape), she made comments about my belly and my butt.
My suicidal thoughts never went out of my head. Lately I'm taking massive doses of antidepressants, but I'm really planning to ctb, my mind makes me feel bad even when I smoke weed (it was the only thing that made me smile and now I risk vomiting if I smoke), I started cutting my wrists.
In theory I have many friends, but lately I have posted some very worrying stories and no one has written me a message, while I have always been there for them and I have spent a lot of physical and mental energy on any of their bullshit. So I decided to remove any app so i wouldn't be disappointed if they don't write to me. I only have my best friend left which is the only reason I struggle to decide to ctb, I wouldn't want to hurt her in any way but the thought of ctb never leaves my mind, I cry everyday.
I apologize for the length, thank you very much if you have reached this point, write your opinion if you want, it would be very useful to me. I'm 20 years old.
When I was 8, I told my relatives I wanted to die. But real problems started at 12: my mother worked out of town, she was always absent, my father, on the other hand, was at home completely sedated by antidepressants and sleeping pills. So I was pretty much alone and started playing role games (I used a manga character to interact with other online roleplayers), I created a family online. One day an 18-year-old roleplayer wrote me, he began to rape my character, after a short time it was no longer about the characters but about us, he sent me photos of his penis and introduced me to the world of sex in a totally sick, excessive way, I was too young. Our story lasted 2 years, I never met him, we had phone and chat sex. this experience has fucked up my sex life, I see my body as an object and I always feel dirty inside.
When I was 14 and a half years old, I attempted suicide by swallowing 30 paracetamol tablets and then I tried to run away from home, from there I started therapy. Later I had a very toxic 4 year relationship that ended badly, without him explaining anything to me and after 1 week he rearranged and I still have no strong emotions for anyone after 2 years.
A big problem in my life is my mother, she has been anorexic since she was 16 years old and she never got help (she is a dancer). She is a control freak, rummages through my bag, checks MY money and invades my privacy (she enter my room or bathroom without knocking). The biggest problem is that she also controls my food, I had eating problems because of her sick standards, she would later hide my chocolate... She never trusted me and didn't esteem me, I dropped out of university because she doesn't believe that I can commit to something. I stopped showing up naked from her because I gained weight (now I'm weight shape), she made comments about my belly and my butt.
My suicidal thoughts never went out of my head. Lately I'm taking massive doses of antidepressants, but I'm really planning to ctb, my mind makes me feel bad even when I smoke weed (it was the only thing that made me smile and now I risk vomiting if I smoke), I started cutting my wrists.
In theory I have many friends, but lately I have posted some very worrying stories and no one has written me a message, while I have always been there for them and I have spent a lot of physical and mental energy on any of their bullshit. So I decided to remove any app so i wouldn't be disappointed if they don't write to me. I only have my best friend left which is the only reason I struggle to decide to ctb, I wouldn't want to hurt her in any way but the thought of ctb never leaves my mind, I cry everyday.
I apologize for the length, thank you very much if you have reached this point, write your opinion if you want, it would be very useful to me. I'm 20 years old.
