I am even sick to talk about it. Lol.
So college is a living nightmare I study part-time and I am at halftime of my bachelor. It is useless. I tried to work and I never will be able to work. I know that. College destroyed my mental health even more. It was torture on a daily basis. I live in Germany and I get extra money from a nursing care insurance. Together with unemployment benefits it could be enough to live for me. It is a big gamble but probably has better prospects than continuing this torture with no prospects of anything. I was so paranoid when I went to college. I had psychosis in the past.
I finished everything on my bucket list except being in a relationship. I am 27 and never was in one. While studying I barely could communicate with women without becoming paranoid because the college stress was too much.
Theoretically I am still in college. And I lie to most peers that I would continue college soon. I dated two women this year and pretended that I would still aim to finish college. Sometimes I am or was ambivalent about continuing. But it is more of a thought if I found a medication that works as good as benzos then I would be able to continue college. It is more a naive wish for a miracle. It makes my guilty conscience for lying less.
The woman I was dating a few months ago wanted children. I don't want children and I doubt that unemployment and my insurance money is enough for a family. Tbf she will have a master degree and earn a lot of money.
I am talking to my new therapist. And she wants to nudge me into the direction that I need an employment. I think the thinks unemployment will be a huge issue to find a partner. I can see where she is coming from. However, not being able to communicate with women because of love delusions/love paranoia seems to be an even bigger obstacle than unemployment. Not all women want a family (immediately). It is a game abouit percentages. And I think continuing college is simply not worth it. I cannot find anyone if I cannot communicate with them in real life.
I don't have many chores. My parents provide me way enough money to live. They will keep working the next 3 years. Then money will be an issue. Today I talked with my mom about college. And she told me she thinks it is better not to continue college. And this leaves me really with a guilty conscience. I highly value that statement of her. She prioritizes my health over college something she never did before. I was surprised. She is not even aware how close I was to kill myself in April 2024. In April college re-starts for me a very critical time period. My dad instead pressures me despite the fact he knows how suicidal I was.
I have good friends. My mental health is horrendous. But the only thing I lack is a relationship. But if I kill myself the likelihood does not get better to find someone. Lol. It is too early to kill yourself with 27 for never been in a relationship with no prospect to find someone?
I am not popular on dating apps. But two women in my self-help group seemed to be interested in me. And I got some honest compliments by some female members of that group.
One of my biggest suicide fuels. What do I tell these people in my self-help group? I don't enroll in any courses 3 consecutive semesters in a row. I cannot say that. But I really enjoy the group. I think my only answer is lying to them. And in case I come close to someone I tell them the truth. But I really don't know. I am texting with someone of this group. This house of cards could easily fall apart. But is committing suicide really the better option? I am really sick of life. But while having close to zero responsibility living from one day to the next life seems temporarily managable.
So college is a living nightmare I study part-time and I am at halftime of my bachelor. It is useless. I tried to work and I never will be able to work. I know that. College destroyed my mental health even more. It was torture on a daily basis. I live in Germany and I get extra money from a nursing care insurance. Together with unemployment benefits it could be enough to live for me. It is a big gamble but probably has better prospects than continuing this torture with no prospects of anything. I was so paranoid when I went to college. I had psychosis in the past.
I finished everything on my bucket list except being in a relationship. I am 27 and never was in one. While studying I barely could communicate with women without becoming paranoid because the college stress was too much.
Theoretically I am still in college. And I lie to most peers that I would continue college soon. I dated two women this year and pretended that I would still aim to finish college. Sometimes I am or was ambivalent about continuing. But it is more of a thought if I found a medication that works as good as benzos then I would be able to continue college. It is more a naive wish for a miracle. It makes my guilty conscience for lying less.
The woman I was dating a few months ago wanted children. I don't want children and I doubt that unemployment and my insurance money is enough for a family. Tbf she will have a master degree and earn a lot of money.
I am talking to my new therapist. And she wants to nudge me into the direction that I need an employment. I think the thinks unemployment will be a huge issue to find a partner. I can see where she is coming from. However, not being able to communicate with women because of love delusions/love paranoia seems to be an even bigger obstacle than unemployment. Not all women want a family (immediately). It is a game abouit percentages. And I think continuing college is simply not worth it. I cannot find anyone if I cannot communicate with them in real life.
I don't have many chores. My parents provide me way enough money to live. They will keep working the next 3 years. Then money will be an issue. Today I talked with my mom about college. And she told me she thinks it is better not to continue college. And this leaves me really with a guilty conscience. I highly value that statement of her. She prioritizes my health over college something she never did before. I was surprised. She is not even aware how close I was to kill myself in April 2024. In April college re-starts for me a very critical time period. My dad instead pressures me despite the fact he knows how suicidal I was.
I have good friends. My mental health is horrendous. But the only thing I lack is a relationship. But if I kill myself the likelihood does not get better to find someone. Lol. It is too early to kill yourself with 27 for never been in a relationship with no prospect to find someone?
I am not popular on dating apps. But two women in my self-help group seemed to be interested in me. And I got some honest compliments by some female members of that group.
One of my biggest suicide fuels. What do I tell these people in my self-help group? I don't enroll in any courses 3 consecutive semesters in a row. I cannot say that. But I really enjoy the group. I think my only answer is lying to them. And in case I come close to someone I tell them the truth. But I really don't know. I am texting with someone of this group. This house of cards could easily fall apart. But is committing suicide really the better option? I am really sick of life. But while having close to zero responsibility living from one day to the next life seems temporarily managable.
