zentiiicharcoal
Member
- Mar 9, 2025
- 37
My whole life crashed in a week period on February 3rd and 5th.
I was with the perfect girl, but she had bpd, and situations happened that I regret. I did things that traumatized her in not knowing how to deal with her barrage of derogatory statements and the way she would twist things and view them in ways they truly weren't made it hard for me to know how to handle. We got back from a trip to Miami and on that trip she had called her mom in the middle of a fight where she was actually the one trying to fight with me. Smearing me and making me look like I was being crazy., when honestly I was just trying to avoid her fighting with me. Though I realized later, after losing her that all I had to do was comfort her and be sweet to her and she would've been fine. So she ended up leaving me via text message due to her mom's influence. Afterwards I didn't hear from her again.
On the 5th I got arrested because my job had went through my photos on the work iPad and discovered material I didn't even know was there. So 2 years ago I had been a part of a scam, smear campaign where someone on WhatsApp that I met on a dating site, had sent me a group of a lot of photos, because I had asked them to send me pictures. In those photos were pics of kids. I had deleted the photos (without knowing that it had been backed up to my iCloud) and told the person I was not interested in that and that there were other ways to help the kids.
So when I logged onto that work iPad those photos were put on that iPad, although I thought they were gone.
Now I'm facing 8 felonies from that one incident and I'm out on bond.
When my ex found out she had called me, i told her everything and we spoke for 11 hrs. Making me feel like she cared and we had a great conversation.
The next day she contacted my mom saying how a detective reached out to her and wanted to interview her. That she couldn't talk to us until it was all sorted. So I spoke to my lawyer about it and he tried contacting her to advise her on ways to go about it and help her not be involved.
So I had already been considering suicide and planning via the charcoal method. Though I do not have the money to buy anything anymore. I lost both my jobs.
I tried the past 2 weeks to be hopeful, that the truth would show and I could beat this.
Then yesterday I recieved a protection order from my ex. Stating how she was scared I would be after her and all this. I have zero animosity towards her. I blame myself for not handling her issues better. But she wrote every possible negative thing she could to make me look horrible. Now I have court on that in 9 days.
Ive tried everything I could to fix this situation, spell work, hacking, having people try to talk to my ex. Everything. The situation has driven me crazy. Not in a way to want to cause harm to another, but to try to get answers or have my ex understand what's going on and give her clarity and awareness that nothing was about wanting to get her back, but for her to see me for who i am and how I had grown from everything that had happened.
So I have no hope. I have no way to get through this. And she just destroyed my only ability to beat this.
I can't buy anything anymore, I have no money left.
But I have a bag of charcoal, some pans, a chimney starter, and random supplies.
I have been stealing from Walmart to have food or items that I may need. My internet also gets shut off in 5 days.
So I neee to make sure this works. I've got to end things because I don't have a choice. My life is only going to get worse. And I've dealt with so much pain now that I can't handle it.
I'll attach photos of the supplies I have. I also saw something about a night night method with having suppression on the sides of my neck and cranking that so that I can just pass out I thought about maybe combining that with putting the charcoal and the pans on bricks in the backseat of my car after taping up all vents and air ducts I've read so much on this site and put a lot into studying. I can't afford or obtain one of those meter to reach 10,000 ppm
But I need to make sure that this works. I cannot fail. I do not have a gun. I've read into partial hanging as well. I'm just gotta do whatever it takes. The only thing that could save this situation as if she was to contact me so that her and I could work out a plan to fix what she has created but I don't know how likely that is and I don't know how to get through to her or anybody that's willing to help me. I don't see a way out and I would rather end things now. My time is limited. The only materials that I could obtain that I might not already have I would have to steal from Walmart or something.
I'm ashamed that this is what things have come to, but I might as well be honest.
I live alone and can confidently kill myself in the car without anyone noticing I've been alone for about two months now.
I understand the process of having the holes in the chimney starter until they are white and not smoking put them in a pan in the car and then start the second batch, putting that in the pan in the car letting that sit and then trying to get in and pass out.
I need this to work. I have to have this be successful.
I was with the perfect girl, but she had bpd, and situations happened that I regret. I did things that traumatized her in not knowing how to deal with her barrage of derogatory statements and the way she would twist things and view them in ways they truly weren't made it hard for me to know how to handle. We got back from a trip to Miami and on that trip she had called her mom in the middle of a fight where she was actually the one trying to fight with me. Smearing me and making me look like I was being crazy., when honestly I was just trying to avoid her fighting with me. Though I realized later, after losing her that all I had to do was comfort her and be sweet to her and she would've been fine. So she ended up leaving me via text message due to her mom's influence. Afterwards I didn't hear from her again.
On the 5th I got arrested because my job had went through my photos on the work iPad and discovered material I didn't even know was there. So 2 years ago I had been a part of a scam, smear campaign where someone on WhatsApp that I met on a dating site, had sent me a group of a lot of photos, because I had asked them to send me pictures. In those photos were pics of kids. I had deleted the photos (without knowing that it had been backed up to my iCloud) and told the person I was not interested in that and that there were other ways to help the kids.
So when I logged onto that work iPad those photos were put on that iPad, although I thought they were gone.
Now I'm facing 8 felonies from that one incident and I'm out on bond.
When my ex found out she had called me, i told her everything and we spoke for 11 hrs. Making me feel like she cared and we had a great conversation.
The next day she contacted my mom saying how a detective reached out to her and wanted to interview her. That she couldn't talk to us until it was all sorted. So I spoke to my lawyer about it and he tried contacting her to advise her on ways to go about it and help her not be involved.
So I had already been considering suicide and planning via the charcoal method. Though I do not have the money to buy anything anymore. I lost both my jobs.
I tried the past 2 weeks to be hopeful, that the truth would show and I could beat this.
Then yesterday I recieved a protection order from my ex. Stating how she was scared I would be after her and all this. I have zero animosity towards her. I blame myself for not handling her issues better. But she wrote every possible negative thing she could to make me look horrible. Now I have court on that in 9 days.
Ive tried everything I could to fix this situation, spell work, hacking, having people try to talk to my ex. Everything. The situation has driven me crazy. Not in a way to want to cause harm to another, but to try to get answers or have my ex understand what's going on and give her clarity and awareness that nothing was about wanting to get her back, but for her to see me for who i am and how I had grown from everything that had happened.
So I have no hope. I have no way to get through this. And she just destroyed my only ability to beat this.
I can't buy anything anymore, I have no money left.
But I have a bag of charcoal, some pans, a chimney starter, and random supplies.
I have been stealing from Walmart to have food or items that I may need. My internet also gets shut off in 5 days.
So I neee to make sure this works. I've got to end things because I don't have a choice. My life is only going to get worse. And I've dealt with so much pain now that I can't handle it.
I'll attach photos of the supplies I have. I also saw something about a night night method with having suppression on the sides of my neck and cranking that so that I can just pass out I thought about maybe combining that with putting the charcoal and the pans on bricks in the backseat of my car after taping up all vents and air ducts I've read so much on this site and put a lot into studying. I can't afford or obtain one of those meter to reach 10,000 ppm
But I need to make sure that this works. I cannot fail. I do not have a gun. I've read into partial hanging as well. I'm just gotta do whatever it takes. The only thing that could save this situation as if she was to contact me so that her and I could work out a plan to fix what she has created but I don't know how likely that is and I don't know how to get through to her or anybody that's willing to help me. I don't see a way out and I would rather end things now. My time is limited. The only materials that I could obtain that I might not already have I would have to steal from Walmart or something.
I'm ashamed that this is what things have come to, but I might as well be honest.
I live alone and can confidently kill myself in the car without anyone noticing I've been alone for about two months now.
I understand the process of having the holes in the chimney starter until they are white and not smoking put them in a pan in the car and then start the second batch, putting that in the pan in the car letting that sit and then trying to get in and pass out.
I need this to work. I have to have this be successful.
