Anxieyote
Sobriety over everything else • 30 • Midwest
- Mar 24, 2021
- 445
I deleted my Facebook account a long time ago, because it felt very inauthentic and fake to me. I couldn't fully express myself on there, because I was followed by friends and family who knew me in real life. My true thoughts were always kept in check because I knew they were watching.
So I created a Snapchat account where I used a fake name and never posted my face. This was freeing in a way that I can't fully describe, but over the years, I have used this account to vent and express my truest, darkest feelings (a suicidal person has a lot of those).
I started gaining a huge following, and as of now, I have around 100-150 people adding me as a friend on a daily basis. The account is public, which means that anyone can view or add me if they know the account name, or if they are in my phone contacts.
It wasn't hard for my sister to connect the dots. The account undoubtedly popped up as a recommendation under my name, and she discovered it that way.
I know she saw my posts, because she popped up in the "other Snapchatters" section where you can see who's been looking at your posts.
You might be thinking to yourself—how bad are these posts that you wouldn't want your friends or family to see them under any circumstances? Well…
I am not proud to admit this, but I have fabricated or exaggerated details about events that have happened in my life in order to make the posts hit harder on an emotional level, or to shock people into sharing them with their friends. I never use real names, so no one's reputation is being dragged through the mud. But I have made nasty comments about my mother (who cheated on my father), and said things like "God will not look favorably on what she has done to our family" and "she will be greeted warmly at the gates of hell"; dramatic statements like that.
Most of it is for shock value, but my true feelings are also expressed in very candid and blunt ways that come across as very insensitive. There really is no filter on any of it, which is why I never show my face on the account.
Well, she found it. I think she is the only member of my family who has seen the posts I have made, but she is probably the person who is most important to me.
In my most recent posts, there was one about how I resent both of my parents for trying to mold me into an image of themselves while I was growing up, and that I don't feel obligated to please either of them anymore after they "destroyed the family unit" with the divorce. She probably never knew I felt that way, and seeing me say mean things about them was probably a shock to say the least. I have been very polite and understanding about the divorce in real-life conversations, and I haven't acted bothered about it.
This is almost the equivalent of someone stumbling onto your personal diary entries. That's how I have been using it anyway, for the last several years.
I'm really not sure how to approach her about this. She blocked my account, because I can't message her on Snapchat. She's also not replying to my texts or phone calls.
And when I do get ahold of her, I'm not sure the "it was just a joke" excuse will fly, because it just looks like airing dirty laundry—there was no punchline.
I really wish she hadn't seen it, but I wouldn't get the amount of followers that I do if I kept the account private, and the only way I can block a specific user from seeing the snaps is if their username shows up under the people who view them—and I have no way of knowing when a friend or family member is going to stumble across what I say, so there's no way to know when to censor myself, and when not to.
Snapchat has been a valuable outlet for me, and having thousands of people view what you say is a great feeling, especially for someone as lonely as I am. I can say my true thoughts and be heard, even if it's in a parasocial way.
So I created a Snapchat account where I used a fake name and never posted my face. This was freeing in a way that I can't fully describe, but over the years, I have used this account to vent and express my truest, darkest feelings (a suicidal person has a lot of those).
I started gaining a huge following, and as of now, I have around 100-150 people adding me as a friend on a daily basis. The account is public, which means that anyone can view or add me if they know the account name, or if they are in my phone contacts.
It wasn't hard for my sister to connect the dots. The account undoubtedly popped up as a recommendation under my name, and she discovered it that way.
I know she saw my posts, because she popped up in the "other Snapchatters" section where you can see who's been looking at your posts.
You might be thinking to yourself—how bad are these posts that you wouldn't want your friends or family to see them under any circumstances? Well…
I am not proud to admit this, but I have fabricated or exaggerated details about events that have happened in my life in order to make the posts hit harder on an emotional level, or to shock people into sharing them with their friends. I never use real names, so no one's reputation is being dragged through the mud. But I have made nasty comments about my mother (who cheated on my father), and said things like "God will not look favorably on what she has done to our family" and "she will be greeted warmly at the gates of hell"; dramatic statements like that.
Most of it is for shock value, but my true feelings are also expressed in very candid and blunt ways that come across as very insensitive. There really is no filter on any of it, which is why I never show my face on the account.
Well, she found it. I think she is the only member of my family who has seen the posts I have made, but she is probably the person who is most important to me.
In my most recent posts, there was one about how I resent both of my parents for trying to mold me into an image of themselves while I was growing up, and that I don't feel obligated to please either of them anymore after they "destroyed the family unit" with the divorce. She probably never knew I felt that way, and seeing me say mean things about them was probably a shock to say the least. I have been very polite and understanding about the divorce in real-life conversations, and I haven't acted bothered about it.
This is almost the equivalent of someone stumbling onto your personal diary entries. That's how I have been using it anyway, for the last several years.
I'm really not sure how to approach her about this. She blocked my account, because I can't message her on Snapchat. She's also not replying to my texts or phone calls.
And when I do get ahold of her, I'm not sure the "it was just a joke" excuse will fly, because it just looks like airing dirty laundry—there was no punchline.
I really wish she hadn't seen it, but I wouldn't get the amount of followers that I do if I kept the account private, and the only way I can block a specific user from seeing the snaps is if their username shows up under the people who view them—and I have no way of knowing when a friend or family member is going to stumble across what I say, so there's no way to know when to censor myself, and when not to.
Snapchat has been a valuable outlet for me, and having thousands of people view what you say is a great feeling, especially for someone as lonely as I am. I can say my true thoughts and be heard, even if it's in a parasocial way.
