yep, I mean the whole day afterwards I was just laying in bed just like being fucking depressed. I mean, what the fuck I lost my SN. Whenever my mom or my sister came into my room like me saying they made dinner or like I should come up to the living room or whatever and they ask like what's the matter I said you know you took my fucking package and they would just say like yeah they were nervous. They were really really really nervous about me so they definitely know which sucks. T-T
To be fair, from what I've heard from other members, the packaging from DMC looks suspicious asf. Maybe you can dig through the trash or search the house for the box later?
yeah, here's a post from someone else. My package looked exactly the same,
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-arrived-final-update.197252/
It's this little black box that's like tightly wrapped. It definitely does look suspicious and I guess- I still don't know how they knew about my SN but I guess since they did know somehow apparently and they saw that package I feel like it'd be pretty easy to put two and two together like it doesn't look like an normal package. I've already tried searching for it, but it's a little precarious with the others in the house but yeah maybe I gotta look through the trash as well. It sucks having to fucking order again.
Maybe it's a sign you shouldn't do it. The universe is conspiring for you to live
I don't know since this morning, I've been thinking about this little bit. It's no secret and Ive said before on this forum that I don't have the same clarity about my suicide since I'm so impulsive with it. I keep flipping between two extremes of being really scared of myself that I'm gonna die and I don't have any control over me committing suicide to being really manic about suicide and being really eager and excited and like, yeah I catch myself repeating out loud how excited I am to die.
I do have my reasons for attempting and yeah I mean they've compelled me to attempt three times now and it would've been four but I guess there's still a part of me that's that really doesn't like suicide and thinks everything about it is so tragic so I guess for that part of me, the scared part, I guess it's yeah I guess the universe is conspiring for for me to live.
But it feels so pointless at the same time because what's removing my SN gonna do? I don't feel any better. It doesn't fix me. I'm still fucked in the head so it's just like this Band-Aid fix that doesn't do anything. Sure I'm safe for now but I'll just feel bad again and I'll just order some more and this time I know not to order it to my house. I know I'm still very very much a danger to myself and I'm still probably still gonna CTB within- I don't know when, I can't set a date because I'm so impulsive and not in control but I mean with my SN here I thought I had days to weeks left so I don't know. It's just so frustrating that even though my family is trying to "help" me it doesn't do anything meaningful.
I don't know if I'm making any sense here. I feel like everything I write on this forum- it just makes no sense. Well, I guess it's cause I really do flip back-and-forth between all these states and I don't have a diagnosis, I don't know what's wrong with me I can't put any labels to this. So it'd make sense if things get a little confused between all my different states. I guess zooming out a bit, I do recognize that I guess my family getting rid of my SN is for my own safety because I really am a danger to myself, but at the same time I mean, I've reasons that've compelled me to attempt and it's really frustrating that they're sort of removing my autonomy for making that decision. Butttt at the same time when I do make the decision to attempt that's like- I'm not the driver seat there. I'm not in control of that.
OK, I'll stop now. I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm just fucking rambling: I sound so crazy. I sound so fucking crazy. ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡
