My self hatred keeps me going

[the_path_of_sorrows]

It's extremely hard to explain. In the gym this gives me the best results that others tend to look at with respect. I push myself in every aspect of life to the point where burnout doesn't exist anymore. I deserve this, I deserve to suffer and I love life for giving me such great opportunities, these endless experiences..

I am my own experiment.

I turn these unhealthy amounts of self loathing into fuel, have been doing this for many years. It's addicting, others can even see my seemingly endless energy as mania, this ain't it.

The secret to the best version of yourself, in my case, is self hatred.

Stars don't shine, they burn.

 

[CloudyNightSky]

Thanks for your version of life. Really bc now I can understand people who are depressed but still do something. Especially that last sentence. Self hatred can really show in all versions and this is ofc also a form of self harm. Idk if you can talk about it with a friend maybe, but this living in silence destroys someone. If you think the person will understand then explain it like you just did.
And I'm pretty sure you don't deserve this suffering. Ik it's hard to convince yourself but just the fact that you say this seems like you're a pretty good person.

 

[D!psh!tMcgee]

well your not wrong the people who have seen and been through the most tend to be the best people hence why i tend to put my self in shit situations so that i can gain more "character" yeah ik sounds dumb but its fun besides whats the fun in being happy?

 

[tiger b]

Well...if it works for you, then great. It's all passing time, really.

 

[the_path_of_sorrows]

Thanks for your version of life. Really bc now I can understand people who are depressed but still do something. Especially that last sentence. Self hatred can really show in all versions and this is ofc also a form of self harm. Idk if you can talk about it with a friend maybe, but this living in silence destroys someone. If you think the person will understand then explain it like you just did.
And I'm pretty sure you don't deserve this suffering. Ik it's hard to convince yourself but just the fact that you say this seems like you're a pretty good person.

Thank you for being so kind, beautifully said! If I manage to convince myself before THE date, I might as well live just a bit longer. I just feel like the amount of destruction that I've been through cannot come with a so called "happy" ending. I don't know what it means to live without chaos so if no one is there to destroy me, I begin to destroy myself. Eh, somehow. Thanks again.