Help My Second Time Going Inpatient; What Do I Do?

[dhk96]

I was "voluntarily" (insert eyeroll) admitted into the inpatient program on campus 2-3 years ago. It was a horrible experience for sure, and I felt much worse coming out of it than I did going in. I felt like a prisoner being conditioned into thinking that any right I had, prior to getting trapped inside, was a reward. I wasn't allowed to listen to music, one of the only things I could enjoy, because we weren't allowed to have any electronic devices. Simply going outside for fresh air was a privilege--not a right as a human being--and it was a very infrequent group activity. There was literally nothing to do in our spare time, and all the activities/talks were so superficial. I ended up learning more from the patients themselves than the "professionals" working there.

Anyway, yes, that program is only for stabilization and everyone knows it's horrible. Why am I thinking about going there again? I don't know.

My counselor recommended going inpatient again so I could get IOP treatment faster (there's apparently a line). I don't believe in treatment at all, whether it's through medication or counseling, and I don't want to experience any more side effects. This is just who I am. I've always been a complete mess, inside and out, and that will never change. I will never be genuinely happy. But that answer will never be acceptable.

What can I do at this point?

I'm already failing a class of my (supposed to be) last semester of college. There was an exam last night which I just skipped out on and never studied for. I've also already failed one of my major classes last semester by pretending it didn't exist, and then told my parents that everything went fine. Eventually, if I'm still around, my parents will find out that I can't graduate this year.

I just can't get myself to care anymore. I feel so empty.
I wish I could die this second so I don't have to think any longer.


However, I have to make my decision within the next few hours because I'll be meeting with my counselor to give them my answer. To be honest, I'm slowly getting more scared about this as the time nears. Nothing will change from being admitted (for probably a week), other than maybe me wanting to die more and maybe getting extensions on my work after I'm released/enter IOP. The problem is that I doubt I will have the motivation, energy, drive...anything to make use of that extension. I'm going to fail this semester regardless of my decision because I can't get myself to study anymore. It's only a matter of: do I make a show of trying to get some help so it doesn't seem like I didn't try, or do I wait it out until my doom and I have to face my parents?

I don't know anymore. Thinking about having to suffer another week of inpatient or any other option is killing me but I'm already so dead.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi, I'm sorry you're in this predicament - it's not a nice place to be when it feels like you have no choices. My thoughts are that as you were last in 2-3 years ago, maybe, she says optimistically, things might have changed a tiny bit and they might be a little better?

As you say, at least if you go in, it shows you are making an effort to get help - even though it sounds like you are exhausted and depressed. Hopefully your parents will be a little bit understanding if they know you've been in, and it will buy you some time on your assignments.

Give it a try - it shows you are trying to get help xx

 

[dhk96]

Hi, I'm sorry you're in this predicament - it's not a nice place to be when it feels like you have no choices. My thoughts are that as you were last in 2-3 years ago, maybe, she says optimistically, things might have changed a tiny bit and they might be a little better?

As you say, at least if you go in, it shows you are making an effort to get help - even though it sounds like you are exhausted and depressed. Hopefully your parents will be a little bit understanding if they know you've been in, and it will buy you some time on your assignments.

Give it a try - it shows you are trying to get help xx

I wish that were the case.

I think I will be going, just 'cause I don't know what else to do. Currently waiting for my laundry to finish so I have some clothes to bring with me, and I've got my student card and some other stuff (toothbrush, etc.) waiting to be packed up. Feel free to remind me of anything I might be missing. And thank you.

I'm mostly afraid of what to say to my parents this time. It feels like they're gonna go "this again?" and that whatever happens will never be a revelation for them. Is there meant to be a revelation when suicide isn't an option for them? In the end, I'm only a burden if I don't suck it up, heal through time, and live for everyone else's sake.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Have you got something to read, a notebook to write in and 'non-harming' writing implements? Pack of cards or anything like that?

As for your parents, believe me, they are the disappointment, not you. They don't deserve to have a child if they cannot love and support it unconditionally through the good times and the bad. Wouldn't it be so nice if we could turn round to our parents and say, "I am so disappointed in you" and see their reactions! Then they would know how it feels!

 

[JustAboutDone]

I know it's really difficult - because it took me years to learn this - but your parents are just people. Just ordinary, nothing special people. They do their 'thing' and they think it's 'right' (it usually isn't as they have learned bad habits from their folks!) so the most important thing to do this week while you have some thinking time is think "what do I want" and "who do I want to be"
You are currently dependent on your parents for now, but it won't always be that way - you will be able to make your own life and choices and be free

 

[dhk96]

Have you got something to read, a notebook to write in and 'non-harming' writing implements? Pack of cards or anything like that?

As for your parents, believe me, they are the disappointment, not you. They don't deserve to have a child if they cannot love and support it unconditionally through the good times and the bad. Wouldn't it be so nice if we could turn round to our parents and say, "I am so disappointed in you" and see their reactions! Then they would know how it feels!

Actually, I want to bring a book called Harmony (Project Itoh) to read! I've held back on reading it for about a couple years now but with no internet or anything to do there, it would be a good time to start. The problem is that suicide plays a big part in that story and the short description on the back doesn't leave much to the imagination haha. Kind of worried that they'll read the back and that it would trigger some alarms for them.

Hm...I don't think I have anything fun to do in my dorm room that I could bring there. Most of my entertainment comes from browsing Reddit or YouTube. I'll try to look around for something in a few minutes.

My parents aren't particularly bad. We're close but don't really communicate about deep stuff, I guess. It's just that even if they want to understand, they really can't because our end goals are complete opposites from each other (their wanting me to live and my wanting to die). They wouldn't me able to support me (emotionally and financially) if I just rotted away in my room for the rest of my life, and I certainly don't want to live that long anyway. I've had a lot of time to resent and hate them growing up. And sometimes, I still do. They're indirectly the reason I'm suffering, by giving birth to me and all that, but I'm trying not to think like that now.

I know it's really difficult - because it took me years to learn this - but your parents are just people. Just ordinary, nothing special people. They do their 'thing' and they think it's 'right' (it usually isn't as they have learned bad habits from their folks!) so the most important thing to do this week while you have some thinking time is think "what do I want" and "who do I want to be"
You are currently dependent on your parents for now, but it won't always be that way - you will be able to make your own life and choices and be free

I've had my entire life to think about what I want to do or who I want to be, and nothing has changed since. I still hate people and am scared of them. My social skills have gotten worse and I have no skills in anything. I've half-assed my entire life to where I am now because I lived in fear and anger and resentment and had no will to live. Only the fear of death and pain was driving me.

That said, I can't imagine a non-dependent me. I lack in every aspect as a 'human being,' like with social skills and marketability in the labor market. I'm afraid of people, my patience has reached near nonexistence... I'm just worthless in society's standards. I can't be an adult when I can't and don't want to grow up, or want to be here at all.

EDIT: Sorry for all the negativity btw. I appreciate your help.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's a tricky one, isn't it, the 'living for other people' - it comes up quite a lot on here. I don't know that people can necessarily "live" for others - it creates resentment for a start! Unless you have young children which is a different set of issues.

As for worthlessness, I don't think anyone is - but that's just my take :-) and for job and social skills, a lot of those are over rated!

You'd better stick something over the back cover of your book!

 

[JustAboutDone]

Don't apologise for "negativity" - that's part and parcel of depression. Plus it must be hard to feel any positives when you are heading to a place where they don't allow music!

 

[JustAboutDone]

I hope they will feed you ok in there?

 

[dhk96]

Plus it must be hard to feel any positives when you are heading to a place where they don't allow music

Very true haha.
I automatically cringe when I see jigsaw puzzles now because all I could do, the last time I was there, was exactly that I'll try to remember you while I'm there so it doesn't feel too lonely. As for food, yes. IIRC we choose our meals from this menu-like paper. It's not great but it's not horrible?

 

[JustAboutDone]

Omg!! Why do these places always have jigsaw puzzles!!! And they always have three bits missing

 

[JustAboutDone]

They should invent some sort of non strangling headphones for hospitals so people can have music. It would help people far more than jigsaws. If you have a vending machine, take some emergency chocolate just in case they serve up some dodgy food one night

 

[JustAboutDone]

Tell them that you'd like to do some things while you are there eg making cake, origami, learning the bagpipes

You can keep them on their toes :-)

Make some notes while you are in there, leave them visible for them to read, then you can share them here after. Makes a useful resource for people who haven't had the joy!

 

[dhk96]

It's a very...confined place. You have the bedrooms, the shared room that's connected with the front desk, the workshop (talking), and that's pretty much it. No opportunity for actual recreation like cooking because it's too dangerous. We're not allowed to have shoelaces or bring our own food either, and they check whatever you have when you go in. The meals, we have to eat or we'll be questioned. Basically, the faster you wanna leave, the more you have to submit to what they want from you.

The last time, out of sheer luck (!), I was able to sneak in a MP3 player and chocolates that my parents brought for me while they were checking on my clothes. The music kept me sane through the night when I couldn't sleep, and slightly sane over the duration of my stay. They never found out that I was listening to music at night and thought I was sleeping like a baby the whole time :P I don't have that MP3 player with me anymore though. I gave it to my mom since she wanted to go jogging. I have short bluetooth earphones and my phone, but I don't think they'd let me use them even if I were under their watch. It's hard to believe that you're not allowed to do what makes you, uh, not as sad as you could be.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hide your phone and headphone in your socks. Same with chocolate. I would never surrender chocolate - they'd have to kill me first!!!

 

[dhk96]

Hide your phone and headphone in your socks. Same with chocolate. I would never surrender chocolate - they'd have to kill me first!!!

*looks at my socks and then my oversized Note 8*

Mm, I really wish I could >_< It's a good thing you're not going there then!

 

[JustAboutDone]

*looks at my socks and then my oversized Note 8*

Mm, I really wish I could >_< It's a good thing you're not going there then!

I just burst out laughing at that vision of you looking at socks and note 8!!! Ha!!!!

Yes! Woe betide anyone who comes between me and chocolates

 

[dhk96]

I'm gonna go take a quick shower and then catch the bus to meet with my counselor, and then see what happens from there. Thanks for sticking around to chat with me :) If I'm not on after this, you can assume I'm in for the second time

 

[JustAboutDone]

Go for it!! You can do this...
Good Luck :-)