Venting My safe space collapsed, i want to die, please dont ignore me(age regression)

[Cyber4ngel!]

My safe place collapsed and now I don't know what to do.


With my partner, I always had the possibility of doing age regression. He took care of me, made me fall asleep in his arms while I sucked my thumb (I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I can't sleep if I don't do it). He told me I was his princess, that I was a baby and I didn't have to worry about anything, that I didn't even have to think. He often made me food, took care of me, and was attentive to my health, making me feel safe.


he made me feel like I was 8 years old again and that I finally had the chance to have a father figure


I lost my mom when I was 8 years old, and my dad abandoned me 7 months later to be with another woman, and I lived years of abuse (I won't go into detail because I already made a thread about everything my dad did to me, if you want, you can read it).


So for me, it's very important to feel that I can be a little girl again, I can't do this with anyone else but my partner, and I don't like to talk about it either because people judge it a lot, thinking it's pdfilia, its not.


Anyways, I became homeless and had to temporarily stay at my partner's house. I pay for my food and my things and help around the house, but his mom doesn't like me and fills his head with the idea that I don't care about him and that he should stop doing things for me and taking care of me.


My partner, unfortunately, is a mama's boy and listens to everything she says, putting her first (then his friends) and me last.


The other day my partner told me that I'm lazy, that he won't take care of me anymore and that I have to start living on my own and not needing him anymore, that he won't take care of me or do anything for me anymore and that he's not my dad anymore.


I'm devastated because he doesn't even spend time with me anymore, he doesn't take care of me, I'm currently very sick, I have a urinary infection that's spreading to my kidneys (and as I mentioned in another thread, I'm taking as long as possible to heal because I hope to get sepsis and be able to ctb) and he doesn't even bother to take my temperature, he doesn't speak to me nicely anymore, he doesn't care, and he's making me go alone to a neighborhood I'm not familiar with to the hospital even though I can't even move, he doesn't cook for me even when I'm feeling bad, I've been without food for 6 days.


And I admit that many times I depend on him, especially when I'm sick, and also because I have traumas and I'm afraid of his family and touching things in his house that aren't mine because I was punished for touching things in my house.


But whenever something happens to him, I take care of him, and whenever he wants something, I do it right away, I also take care of him.


And now he doesn't talk to me sweetly, doesn't take care of me, doesn't hug me, doesn't kiss me, doesn't hold me in his arms, doesn't do anything, even though that was one of the aspects of the relationship that I liked the most and my main love language is words of affirmation and physical touch.


I'm having severe anxiety attacks because I feel like my dad is abandoning me for the second time and I have to go through all of that again. I have a great need for someone to hold me and treat me like a baby, a need as strong as the need to breathe.


I am overwhelmed, scared, depressed, and inconsolable; I cry every day, and the worst part is that since I am living with him due to my homelessness, I depend on him for a place to stay and I can't do anything about it because he doesn't want to talk about it either.


I need my dad, I need someone to take care of me, I want to die if I don't have that, it's one of the few things that keep me afloat.


To make matters worse, I blocked my entire family, I don't talk to any of my friends anymore, and the only one I have left is him. I need to be a baby again, please, I just want to be held in his arms until I fall asleep.

I feel like, if I die of sepsis, just like my mother did when she purposely didn't treat it to ctb, I will be able to see her again and sleep in her arms forever. I'm so lonely. I want my mum. I want a dad. Please don't ignore me, I need someone to talk to I need to know that i still exist, I need someone to tell me that I'm just a baby and i don't have to worry anymore
Sorry for the bad English, I used a translator for the most part
The other day I had a panic attack in front of him, I cried a lot and screamed, I dug my nails into my own forehead so hard that I hurt myself, I hit the pillow and begged him to please understand that I wanted my dad, and I wanted my baby (my cat) and I repeated it a thousand times while he told me to shut up and that I was incoherent and crazy, that he wanted to have a life and that I was driving him crazy and he didn't want anything to do with me

 

[suicidaltransgirl]

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that. I age regress too and it's an awful awful feeling to find myself alone. I hope you can find a way out of your situation soon. Sometimes though it's better to be alone than with someone who doesn't treat us well. Take it day by day. It's still possible to regress alone. What I do is hug a pillow and talk in a baby voice and pretend someone is holding me.

 

[toxicjester]

I can feel your pain all throughout this post, I'm so sorry this is something you're going through. I do something similar myself and you can see in my posts that I talk a lot about wanting my "mama".

I think something that helps me with that feeling especially when I want to feel like there's someone bigger than me is to have a big plush(or even pillow if you don't have a big enough plush) and just imagine that's the person that's there for you, that's taking care of you. This is v bare bones and short because I feel like the complexities of this kind of this would be real winded to talk about.

I also turn into a sensitive mess when I'm sick, and I know that being sick, whether it's intentional or not, is shitty as it is and even worse without support. If you won't treat it for ctb reasons, at the very least be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself emotionally.

I'm sorry your partner is being the way he is atm. I hope he can at least treat you decently soon enough, or that you can find your comfort another way, and I hope my words could be of some comfort, even if it's just to let you know that you're heard

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew something to say that would help. Your condition sounds understandable after all the trauma you have been through. I just wish you could find someone/ somewhere that could reliably look after you.

 

[RCantCope]

My safe place collapsed and now I don't know what to do.


With my partner, I always had the possibility of doing age regression. He took care of me, made me fall asleep in his arms while I sucked my thumb (I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I can't sleep if I don't do it). He told me I was his princess, that I was a baby and I didn't have to worry about anything, that I didn't even have to think. He often made me food, took care of me, and was attentive to my health, making me feel safe.


he made me feel like I was 8 years old again and that I finally had the chance to have a father figure


I lost my mom when I was 8 years old, and my dad abandoned me 7 months later to be with another woman, and I lived years of abuse (I won't go into detail because I already made a thread about everything my dad did to me, if you want, you can read it).


So for me, it's very important to feel that I can be a little girl again, I can't do this with anyone else but my partner, and I don't like to talk about it either because people judge it a lot, thinking it's pdfilia, its not.


Anyways, I became homeless and had to temporarily stay at my partner's house. I pay for my food and my things and help around the house, but his mom doesn't like me and fills his head with the idea that I don't care about him and that he should stop doing things for me and taking care of me.


My partner, unfortunately, is a mama's boy and listens to everything she says, putting her first (then his friends) and me last.


The other day my partner told me that I'm lazy, that he won't take care of me anymore and that I have to start living on my own and not needing him anymore, that he won't take care of me or do anything for me anymore and that he's not my dad anymore.


I'm devastated because he doesn't even spend time with me anymore, he doesn't take care of me, I'm currently very sick, I have a urinary infection that's spreading to my kidneys (and as I mentioned in another thread, I'm taking as long as possible to heal because I hope to get sepsis and be able to ctb) and he doesn't even bother to take my temperature, he doesn't speak to me nicely anymore, he doesn't care, and he's making me go alone to a neighborhood I'm not familiar with to the hospital even though I can't even move, he doesn't cook for me even when I'm feeling bad, I've been without food for 6 days.


And I admit that many times I depend on him, especially when I'm sick, and also because I have traumas and I'm afraid of his family and touching things in his house that aren't mine because I was punished for touching things in my house.


But whenever something happens to him, I take care of him, and whenever he wants something, I do it right away, I also take care of him.


And now he doesn't talk to me sweetly, doesn't take care of me, doesn't hug me, doesn't kiss me, doesn't hold me in his arms, doesn't do anything, even though that was one of the aspects of the relationship that I liked the most and my main love language is words of affirmation and physical touch.


I'm having severe anxiety attacks because I feel like my dad is abandoning me for the second time and I have to go through all of that again. I have a great need for someone to hold me and treat me like a baby, a need as strong as the need to breathe.


I am overwhelmed, scared, depressed, and inconsolable; I cry every day, and the worst part is that since I am living with him due to my homelessness, I depend on him for a place to stay and I can't do anything about it because he doesn't want to talk about it either.


I need my dad, I need someone to take care of me, I want to die if I don't have that, it's one of the few things that keep me afloat.


To make matters worse, I blocked my entire family, I don't talk to any of my friends anymore, and the only one I have left is him. I need to be a baby again, please, I just want to be held in his arms until I fall asleep.

I feel like, if I die of sepsis, just like my mother did when she purposely didn't treat it to ctb, I will be able to see her again and sleep in her arms forever. I'm so lonely. I want my mum. I want a dad. Please don't ignore me, I need someone to talk to I need to know that i still exist, I need someone to tell me that I'm just a baby and i don't have to worry anymore
Sorry for the bad English, I used a translator for the most part
The other day I had a panic attack in front of him, I cried a lot and screamed, I dug my nails into my own forehead so hard that I hurt myself, I hit the pillow and begged him to please understand that I wanted my dad, and I wanted my baby (my cat) and I repeated it a thousand times while he told me to shut up and that I was incoherent and crazy, that he wanted to have a life and that I was driving him crazy and he didn't want anything to do with me

Whether or not it makes any difference— it sounds like your partner is enmeshed with his mother. The way you described him being a "mamas boy" and how suddenly he changed his tone/feelings around you after he spoke to her, indicates to me that his mother could potentially view him as a pseudo partner and therefore she feels like you are a threat to that. It's quite common unfortunately. Look up enmeshment or emotional incest and see if that fits what you've witnessed between him and his mother.

I enjoy studying psychology.

I'm very sorry this happened to you.. we're groomed at young ages in society to believe being "dependant" on others is a bad thing. When in reality, human beings have a pack mentality just like other family orientated animals. We aren't supposed to be hyper individualised. We're meant to depend on others.

You should find a partner who's happy to care for you the way you need to be. Theres social media or other websites dedicated to people who need care in life and people who want to give it. You'll find someone who puts you high in their priority list. I promise.