Help My recovery is on the edge

[oneess]

I entered this loop phase we all love to hate, no day and no night, just a linear slow passage of time. The only thing that saves me from buying drugs is the fact that my town closed itself only for it citizens because of the corona situation, it makes me so angry. I know abusing substances is the worst decision I can do right now, but I feel totally lost and defeated. I can't go out of bed anymore, I was supposed to go my psych hotel in the morning(it's 1am so yesterday's) but couldn't drive myself to go out of bed, just want to disconnect from the world and myself, I'm out of my benzos that the hospital is giving me, fuck I'm so annoyed and desperate for something, but oh God, I know there's no miracle pill or something of the sort, but I just can't accept this new reality.. my psychologist said that I have to, but I just can't, I don't have any powers left. I really appreciate the mundane routine I had before the pandemic started, I actually felt good for the first time in my life, woke up in the morning because I wanted and not because I need to verify myself or to prove myself to others. This downfall spiral, I'm sick of it, just happening again and again and again Everytime for other reason.

I'm happy there's a place like SS where I could vent and be free with my thoughts, I don't even have the courage to talk to my buddies from NA and others right now.

Sorry if my vent was tiring or something, sending love to all of you guys, I know it's rough for all of us right now.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Just a big hug for you. This new reality thing, whatever it may turn out to be scares the hell out of me. But for once, we're all in this together, and i find that somewhat conferring