Venting My reasons

[Randomgirl009]

I don't expect anyone to read these. I'm just speaking into the void at this point. But I have to vent.

No family. My dad died years ago leaving me with an abusive narcissistic mother who never calls or bothers to see if I'm ok.

No friends. I've never been at a point where I've not been able to speak to anyone. Even if it's someone in discord, I've at least been able to vent or joke to feel better. But now I have absolutely no one.

I haven't had proper friends in years. I don't even think good friends even exist. My acquaintances from school after uni stopped messaging. I make 'friends' online but the only ones who seem interested are men. They only try to get closer to me for one reason, then when they find out it's not happening they leave.

I live with my boyfriend, but since living together it feels like we're more like roommates that sometimes see each other. I tell him sometimes how I feel, why everything is pointless and I haven't found genuine long term joy in anything for years. He says I need therapy but then won't bring it up again until I'm visibly sad.

Im convinced chronic depression is a terminal illness. I feel like I've already said goodbye to anything and anyone I ever had sentimental feelings towards. I'm just passing through like I'm on a holiday or something.

At social events I feel like I'm watching it happen through a window or watching a tv show. I don't feel apart of anything in this world, like I don't belong here. When I talk to strangers I put on a show, from my fake smile to my inflection and feigning interest.

At parties I've taken breaks to go into the bathroom just to cry because I dont want to be inside this weird bullshit simulator.

Sometimes I fantasise about contacting an old abuser, someone i met online who caused me great anxiety and hurt, just so I'll have an excuse to finally do something.

The car is parked, I'm sitting at the edge of the cliff, dangling my feet waiting for one final push.

I don't expect replies to my little novel. I hope putting these words out there into the open will make me feel a little better, especially somewhere where it's more likely to be understood and resonated with.

 

[the box is empty]

I'm sorry feel that way. I know therapy was brought up but nothing was followed through. Have you considered pursuing it on your own? Where I'm from they're planning to implement free therapy for people with chronic mental illness.

I get that feeling about social events and parties. Every time I go out there's a voice that says I don't belong there. Even if it's just a walk with one friend, something in my head clicks and tells me to get out. That they're gonna see the "real" me, be repulsed and then abandon me.

 

[PhilosOfDoom]

I don't expect anyone to read these. I'm just speaking into the void at this point. But I have to vent.

No family. My dad died years ago leaving me with an abusive narcissistic mother who never calls or bothers to see if I'm ok.

No friends. I've never been at a point where I've not been able to speak to anyone. Even if it's someone in discord, I've at least been able to vent or joke to feel better. But now I have absolutely no one.

I haven't had proper friends in years. I don't even think good friends even exist. My acquaintances from school after uni stopped messaging. I make 'friends' online but the only ones who seem interested are men. They only try to get closer to me for one reason, then when they find out it's not happening they leave.

I live with my boyfriend, but since living together it feels like we're more like roommates that sometimes see each other. I tell him sometimes how I feel, why everything is pointless and I haven't found genuine long term joy in anything for years. He says I need therapy but then won't bring it up again until I'm visibly sad.

Im convinced chronic depression is a terminal illness. I feel like I've already said goodbye to anything and anyone I ever had sentimental feelings towards. I'm just passing through like I'm on a holiday or something.

At social events I feel like I'm watching it happen through a window or watching a tv show. I don't feel apart of anything in this world, like I don't belong here. When I talk to strangers I put on a show, from my fake smile to my inflection and feigning interest.

At parties I've taken breaks to go into the bathroom just to cry because I dont want to be inside this weird bullshit simulator.

Sometimes I fantasise about contacting an old abuser, someone i met online who caused me great anxiety and hurt, just so I'll have an excuse to finally do something.

The car is parked, I'm sitting at the edge of the cliff, dangling my feet waiting for one final push.

I don't expect replies to my little novel. I hope putting these words out there into the open will make me feel a little better, especially somewhere where it's more likely to be understood and resonated with.

Your childhood and current situation has resulted in possible trauma, and psychological damage. Have you seen a therapist? I don't want to state the obvious, but your current situation is averse to actual happiness. Loneliness, past abuse, you're the prime victim. The situation is likely beatable, with proper therapeutic treatment, and improvement. I know what it feels like to want to just end it all right now, and not have to deal with it any longer, good or not. It's ultimately your call to pursue treatment, and I wish you the best.