Venting My reasons and ideas

[only-a765]

I'm new to this forum and don't exactly know what to expect but I'm going to vent a little and I need advice and I'm wondering if my reasons are valid. I'm 18 and my life up to now has been hell I'm not going to give my life story just a summary of the past 4 years this is a long story and might be boring just hear me out please. I was always suicidal in middle school and didn't think I would make it this long but one day I went to science class and saw a girl she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen so immediately she was off limits in my mind because I didn't have a chance about 2 months later she found my scars from s.h. not on purpose I was pretty good at hiding so she was paying close attention to me over time we talked and got into a relationship. Over the summer of 8th grade my life changed I had reason to live we loved each other and would talk for hours and cuddle and watch movies and fuck like bunnies that lead to a child which miscarried, a year later and we have another one this time scared me. I was paranoid what if she left then I loose her and my child and I was 16 with no job and so we argued and broke up. When my child was born that night I couldn't sleep my step dad who was a meth addict gave me a Xanax to sleep that night not knowing what it was I took it and kept taking them until it got really bad I would take between 6-10 in a day, I finally got tired of not remembering shit and needed to clean my act up so I quit cold turkey and had multiple seizures so I switched to Klonopin and used that to stop entirely, but this was just the beginning next it was oxycodone think 2020 when a few things started to be fake but still a few real ones floating around however things progressed and I got addicted to fentanyl over time so I went to rehab, got my girl back and kid back and we were better than ever, sadly the story doesn't end here it's been 2 years since then and we've talked about marriage a bunch and I love this girl with ever fiber of my being she said forever and I thought she meant it I hit a rough patch started smoking 8ths or more a day and broke my hand this was about 3 months ago they put me on codeine and I mixed it with Kratom and one day got laced with meth (long story) I freaked out and stayed with her for 3 days and she held me and made me feel like I was worth something she told me she loved me and looked in my eyes every time she said it was perfect so I decided it's time to do the right thing and took my 2nd trip to rehab. When I got back things picked up where they left off marriage conversations I was around more and doing my best to provide for my family, 2 weeks later and she gets really distant I ask if she needs a break and she said yes but for a very long time I think she means forever. I lost my job for going to rehab I don't get to stay with my kid the girl I loved and did all this shit for took off and it's been a month and a half of nothing but depression I've talked to a therapist and tried help and medications but I'm fucked this girl is beautiful and has the best sat scores in my state I really thought the rest of my life would be spent with her I have nothing left she will easily find a new guy to replace me and my child will be okay with a step dad I can't do this shit I don't know how to get my hands on fentanyl anymore I want to go by firearm but the therapist has made my family aware of my mental health risks so that's out of the picture I want quick with minimal pain and something not to expensive or hard to get any suggestions? Am I overreacting?

 

[FuneralCry]

The fact is that suicide could never even need a reason in the first place, it's a completely personal decision when to exit this world that can only be made by the individual. Sadly we exist in an such an anti suicide society where more peaceful methods get restricted but if quick, reliable, painless and easily accessible methods existed I would be long gone at this point and I doubt that there would be all these endless threads on this site. But there is a suicide resource compilation on here for method research, there are no easy answers to finding ways to leave though.
But anyway I wish you the best, it does sound like you've suffered a lot, it's true that existing here in this world certainly can be hell.