quiet.rabbit
NEET
- Feb 27, 2020
- 118
This is just a journal kind of thing I might do from now on. If this isn't okay to post I'm sorry. I didn't see the rules say anything about this, so l'll try anyway. Mods can just delete this if they want. I'm going to get real and nasty btw. Just warning you.
After deciding to commit to CTB I am beggining to accept just how little I can care about others. I try to appear like I care because part of me wants me to be good, but I don't feel much for them for some reason. I make this clear to people when I don't intend to. Actually I made it clear to everyone today, I didnt even take my dog out. I am still aware that I need people so I guess that I just try to seem like I care. But I also kind of dislike people. You make me feel jealous and anxious when you talk to me or when I learn about your lives. How most of you have friends or a partner. Whenever I see a human being I just don't like it as well, like their body repulses me. The most humanly thing I can look at is anime characters, in fact those are the only things I've ever felt sexually attracted to (feel free to laugh.) I think it's a remain of being pushed away all my life for reasons I used to not understand. Now that I know bad I am I don't think it's fair to others though, so I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone and avoid expressing these things. Actually, I've never even hurt anyone emotionally or physically (on purpose anyway.) I guess I always knew and only just realized this now. The only reason you're reading this is because I will die soon and I'd like people to know this about me. I have nothing anyway.
I am going to dissapear because I am useless to everyone, so they will inevitably throw me out. And I am so useless, I am not even useful to myself. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to have a job because of how dull and dense I am. And how anxious I am, and how unhappy I am. I can't act confident or happy. If I go out there alone, it will be worse than death. Homelessness means there won't be a way out for me. Not even CTB. Stuck between yearning for others and wanting them out of my life for 40 more years. So I am 100% doing this, and for myself only. My existence will only cause suffering, and I am slightly afraid I'll face some retribution if I still exist after death, that is. Despite this, it's got better chances of being beneficial to me, unlike staying alive as a low IQ/EQ btch who doesn't have any empathy or skills.
My brain is drained... Enjoy the mess.
After deciding to commit to CTB I am beggining to accept just how little I can care about others. I try to appear like I care because part of me wants me to be good, but I don't feel much for them for some reason. I make this clear to people when I don't intend to. Actually I made it clear to everyone today, I didnt even take my dog out. I am still aware that I need people so I guess that I just try to seem like I care. But I also kind of dislike people. You make me feel jealous and anxious when you talk to me or when I learn about your lives. How most of you have friends or a partner. Whenever I see a human being I just don't like it as well, like their body repulses me. The most humanly thing I can look at is anime characters, in fact those are the only things I've ever felt sexually attracted to (feel free to laugh.) I think it's a remain of being pushed away all my life for reasons I used to not understand. Now that I know bad I am I don't think it's fair to others though, so I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone and avoid expressing these things. Actually, I've never even hurt anyone emotionally or physically (on purpose anyway.) I guess I always knew and only just realized this now. The only reason you're reading this is because I will die soon and I'd like people to know this about me. I have nothing anyway.
I am going to dissapear because I am useless to everyone, so they will inevitably throw me out. And I am so useless, I am not even useful to myself. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to have a job because of how dull and dense I am. And how anxious I am, and how unhappy I am. I can't act confident or happy. If I go out there alone, it will be worse than death. Homelessness means there won't be a way out for me. Not even CTB. Stuck between yearning for others and wanting them out of my life for 40 more years. So I am 100% doing this, and for myself only. My existence will only cause suffering, and I am slightly afraid I'll face some retribution if I still exist after death, that is. Despite this, it's got better chances of being beneficial to me, unlike staying alive as a low IQ/EQ btch who doesn't have any empathy or skills.
My brain is drained... Enjoy the mess.
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